(NeoAU1) What I do not say, I still feel
by Neobug
Summary: I will probably never forget the day I met her. It wasn't a very peculiar day. Nor she was a very peculiar girl. At that time, I would never had guess that she would change my life forever. POV SaitoxChizuru canon/AU All the historical events are still respected though. M-rated chapters : 21, 29, 55, 62
1. Encounter

**[UPDATE : it started as a simple POV (as you can see below) but Saito wasn't really okay with the idea of waiting 4 years for Chizuru so it's still a POV but totally rewritten ! I only kept the chronology of historical events like Ikedaya, Hamaguri... The beginning of the story is very close to the game since it's very rich in events but it then completely differs.**

**M-Rated chapters : Chapter 21 Dream, Chapter 29 Truth, Chapter 55 First and chapter 62 Gold. **

**Don't hesitate to leave reviews ! It really motivates me and I love to know what you think (good or bad !) enjoy !]**

**I will sometimes write at the beginning of chapters if I have some interesting things to say or if I want to point out something but I won't do it in each chapters.**

I will probably never forget the day I met her. It wasn't a very peculiar day. Nor she was a very peculiar girl. At that time, I would never had guess that she would change my life forever.

January 1864

A night patrol as usual. Souji and I were together, walking a bit ahead of our units in the quiet, beautiful night. There weren't so many clouds, allowing us to look in awe at the gorgeous scenery that were offering us the winter stars. Small snowflakes were dancing in the wind tainting our hair with white pure sparkles. The sight was peaceful, only troubled by the sound of my comrade's voice next to me. Souji was especially talkative tonight and his voice was the only sound echoing in the night.

« What do you think Hajime-kun ? Why not get a little fun tonight ? »

« We have to patrol » I answered, calmly.

« Those three monkeys are in Shimabara again tonight ! We should go and join them ! After the patrol of course » he adds, seeing that I was ready to repeat myself.

« Hijikata-san wouldn't allow it. Besides, he's probably gonna go after them. I heard he's quite pissed by their attitude. »

« Who cares what Toshi thinks ?! I'll take the blame and ask forgiveness to Kondou-san »

I didn't bother to answer, it was irrelevant. Souji could be quite stubborn but I was good at that game too. He knew the rules. Either you were on patrol or you were at the compound. If you wanted to go somewhere, you needed to ask for permission. It was that simple.

Souji was still trying to convince me when I stopped walking. I heard something.

Souji stopped too, looking at me with curiosity and our units caught up with us.

« Anything wrong, Saito-san? » asked Tairô, a member of the third unit, mine.

With a tongue click and a glare, I silenced him, listening to the wind in the streets of Kyoto. That was the moment when I heard it again. I could identify it this time. It was a mad laugh.

_Rasetsu... _I thought. We had to hurry. Souji gave me a nod and adressed the men.

« You all stay here and make sure no one gets in the way. Hajime and I will deal with it. » he ordered.

No one batted an eye. They obeyed without any question to the first captain. As for me, I was already running in the direction of the sound when Souji caught up with me. When we arrived, three men were on the floor, dead. The Rasetsu were mad with bloodlust, their crimson eyes open wide as the uncontrollable laughter was becoming stronger, echoing in the silence of the night like a sinister omen. There was only one thing to do. I didn't hesitate.

In a single swift blow, I took my blade out of my scabbard and cut deep in the first Rasetsu. The others didn't even realize what happened before I cut them open too, letting their lifeless corpses fall on the ground. It didn't take me more than mere seconds.

« Ara, Hajime-kun ! You took all the fun for yourself ! » complained Souji.

He was already behind me but I didn't answer him. I knew he was teasing me by calling this « fun ». Taking a man's life wasn't fun. Especially when it was three men you knew. Even with their white hair and mad eyes, I could recognize them. One from Nagakura's unit, one from Inoue's and Jirô, one of mine. And they were wearing the same haori we were, the one with the Makoto we were so proud of. They were comrades, or at least, they had been, therefore, it wasn't « fun ».

My eyes caught something in the periphery of my vision and Souji saw it too. Two wide chestnut eyes hiding behind some baskets and planks of wood.

_Great. A witness. We needed that_, I sighed.

Souji grabbed the guy by the arm, lifting him up as he escaped a terrified short scream, and we saw him better. It was just a kid. Fourteen, fithteen years old maybe. Dressed with a man's hakama but clearly a girl.

« Ara... what should we do with this little rat? » asked Souji with a grin.

The girl was terrorized. I could understand considering what she just saw. Still I didn't know what to respond. She was a civilian. Therefore, our code of conduct was forbidding us to harm her. Yet, she saw our Haori and worst, she saw the Rasetsu with our Haori.

_What should we do ?_

« Maybe we should just kill it. » Souji said with a wicked smile, savoring the terror that his words were generating within the girl's mind.

I saw that she was ready to run but I didn't have the time to try and stop her before she got a blade pointed at her, frozing her in place.

« Run and I'll kill you. »

_Fukuchô..._

Hijikata-san was there. I had mixed feelings about this. It was taking away the responsability of what we should do with her but it also meant that he knew about our incompetence and how we let someone witness the Rasetsu.

I waited in silence while Souji couldn't keep his mouth shut.

« Hey Toshi ! The kid saw everything ! We should kill him anyway. I'll do it, save you the trouble. » he shrugged with his trademark grin still painted on his face.

« Shut up, Souji. We do not kill civilians. » frowned Hijikata-san, already annoyed although he just arrived.

Just what I expected from the vice-commander. The code of conduct was the code of conduct. Unbreakable. Still, I wondered what he wanted to do with this girl. We couldn't let her go freely. I guess...

« Pick up those Haori » Hijikata said to Souji. « We're taking the kid to the compound. »

I nodded and grabbed the kid's arm firmly. That's when I noticed the kodachi on her left side. By the scabbard, the tsuka and the kashira, it looked like an ancient one, maybe a family heritage. It made me curious but I kept my composure and my impassive mask. Using the pommel of my katana, I knocked the girl unconscious and put her on my shoulder while Souji laughed and winked at me.

« Ara ! Already your hands on her, Hajime-kun ! You're quite the fast type ! »

I decided to ignore his snide comment as usual and I tailed the Vice Commander.

« Saito »

« Hai, Fukuchô. » I replied.

« I was originally going to Shimabara to get Harada, Nagakura and Heisuke back to the compound. » he explained « I want you to deal with the kid while I'm going. And don't let Souji scare her. We will have a meeting in the morning.»

« Understood » I nodded.

Joining my unit, we all got back to the compound where I left the girl in an unoccupied room, hands tied in the back.

Looking at her, still unconscious, I wondered.

_What shoud we do with you ? _


	2. Guest

I stayed up all night out of the room, guarding it. I could have asked someone else to do it but i didn't want to decieve Hijikata-san again. My negligence the night before was unforgivable. At least, i had to make sure no further incidents would occur and bother Hijikata-san. He already had enough on his mind to add useless subordinates to it.

The moment the sun rose, Inoue rose with it. This man was like a clock. Always up early in the morning, his chonmage hair perfectly tidy and his face rested. He didn't see me at first and went straight to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for everyone. Since he was always the first up in the morning, it was like a morning routine to him. When he got out, he disappeared for a while before I saw him again, coming my way. He greeted me with a smile and came to me.

« Oy, Saito ! Let me release you. I'll guard the kid now » he said.

« Inoue » I nodded.

_Does he know already ? Hijikata-san told him ? _

« Toshi sent me. Get some rest, we'll have a meeting as soon as the kid is awake. Try to sleep a little. » he explained with a kind smile.

I nodded, grateful. Although I wasn't sure I could actually sleep, I went to my room and took my kimono off before I laid on the futon. One or two hours of rest shoud suffice, I thought, grabbing my swords to keep them near me, always prudent even if we were in the security of the Yagi house, our headquarters. The compound was a safe place but no place was really safe when you were a warrior. I assassinated too many people to not acknowledge this. I closed my eyes and emptied my mind, closing myself and at the same time, opening myself to all my surroundings. Meditation was a good preparation for an effective sleep. In no time, I felt myself drift away.

« Hajime-kun » I heard, pulling me out of sleep in a heartbeat.

I opened my eyes immediately, left hand on my katana, slightly out of its scabbard, ready to strike. But of course, no one was in the room. Souji was calling from the outside and i sighed before answering him. I must have fallen asleep deeper than i thought.

« Ha. »

« Kid's up. Meeting in 5 minutes » he sang in a playful voice. It seemed like the presence of this civilian girl in our headquarters was amusing him a lot.

« Alright » I replied.

I combed my hand in my hair, messy as always. _How deeply have I slept ?! _I arranged it quickly in my usual side ponytail and put on my black kimono and my white scarf, slipping my swords in my obi.

When I arrived, everyone was already here. Nagakura, Harada and Toudou were sitting on the floor, leaning on the wall, probably still hangovered from their little nocturnal adventure. Sannan was writing something, in big discussion with Kondou-san.

Inoue arrived last, followed by the girl. She looked like a rabbit in a room filled with wolves. Before the meeting even started, she threw herself on the ground, crying.

« I didn't see anything, I swear ! Please let me go ! »

_Pathetic,_ I thought before I remembered she was a young girl, not a warrior. Her reaction was quite normal in her situation. Yet, she was lying and it was bugging me.

The commanders started talking about her fate but I didn't listen that much. I didn't really care what could happen to her. If Kondou-san ou Hijikata-san asked me to kill her, I would do it immediately.

« So you did see everything... » I heard Harada said.

The kid started begging again as the commanders couldn't settle on what to do with her. I decided to act.

« Fukuchô. Allow me to take the kid back to the room. »

« Yeah. I guess it's best. We'll call him back when we had decided what to do »

I nodded and raised the girl, gripping on her arm firmly but without violence and led her back to her room. I closed the door and stayed outside. Soon, Harada and Toudou joined me but before we could exchange any word, I heard the kid through the door.

« Please, I wanna talk » she begged.

I sighed and opened the door and we came in.

« ... »

She stayed silent, uneasy, dancing in her feet, her body movements reflecting how much her mind was messy.

« ... what do you want to say ? » I tried, on my guard.

« ... i'm not from here. I'm from Edo and i arrived to Kyoto just yesterday. I want a chance to explain my situation ! » she blurted out with a subtle change of personality.

From terrified rabbit, she went to proud peacock for a second, inflating her lungs to look more impressive. Which was pretty ineffective against warriors like us when she was nothing more than a young girl. I smiled a bit before answering.

« I see. That's why you dress like a man even though you're a girl. It's safer for traveling. It's smart. » I praised.

Toudou openned wide eyes and yelled in my ears, totally confused.

« Whaaaaat, Saito ! A girl ?! »

Toudou had a lot of quality. But quick thinking wasn't one of them. Especially when hangovered. After a few explanations, we decided to bring her back to the common room to share these new informations with the rest of the captains. That's when I realized that both Kondou-san and Nagakura thought she was actually a man. Now Kondou said they couldn't kill her anymore. I thought it was stupid. What difference did it make? Not that I would like to kill her but I just couldn't understand the logic in this. Lost in my thoughts again, I snapped back to reality when I heard something I wasn't expecting.

« Yukimura, Kodo is your father ?! »

Unbelievable. I felt my eyes widen a little before getting the control back and put on my neutral mask again.

Hijikata-san then explained her about her father disappearance and how he worked with the Shinsengumi but didn't mention the Rasetsu. It was better this way. The less she knew, the better it was. They decided Yukimura Chizuru, the girl, would stay in the compound until we found her father since we were also looking for him. I personally wasn't sure it was a bright idea but I didn't question their decision. It wasn't my place to do so.

It was decided that she would officially be Hijikata-san's page or so they said and would have to pretend to be a man. I could tell already it was the worse idea ever. The men weren't that stupid and when they would discovered how we lied about her, the trust in the Code would undoubtedly be broken.

As I watched Inoue take her back to the room, I could already smell trouble.


	3. Kill

February 1864

Yukimura had been here for weeks now but she was still not allowed to leave her room. I didn't really care but I wondered what was the point of keeping her here if we were just ignoring her. Yet, orders were orders.

Speaking of orders, Hijitaka-san asked for me that morning so I was walking towards his office at a quick pace, not eager to make the vice-commander wait to long for my person.

Outside, Nagakura and Harada were testing new recruits. Even though they were moving a lot, the temperature was below freezing and I couldn't understand why these two were always torso half-naked even in winter. And they dared calling _me_ insensitive.

« Fukuchô » I annonced myself before entering Hijitaka-san's office.

« Come in, Saito. »

I slid the shoji and waited quietly for my orders. The vice commander was scribbling on a paper, his face looking tensed. He finally put his brush down and rose. I slightly bowed respectfully.

« Saito, in a few days I will have to go to Osaka. I will take Sannan with me and will let you in charge » he said in his commanding voice.

« Your trust honors me, Fukuchô » I replied, bowing.

« But before I go, I have something I have to ask you. There's been rumors of a spy in a pleasure house in Shimabara who talked about an incoming Choshu rebellion while he was drunk. » he said, crossing his arms with a frowning face « I want you to go there and get every information you can. And if this man is affiliated to the Choshu and is formenting a rebellion, I want you to get rid of him »

I said nothing. I didn't question the mission. It was my duty. I wondered why he was sending me. I wasn't very accustomed to this sort of place. As if he knew about my concerns, Hijitaka-san answered my silent question.

« I need to send a capitain, someone I can really trust. Harada, Nagakura and Toudou are too well known in Shimabara. Shimada's on mission, Gen has a lot on his hands right now and I know you will fulfill your duty. Yamazaki will be here to assist you if necessary but I still need his identity secret so it will only be in last ressort. »

« Alright » I said.

And that was it. I exited the room and as I slid the wood panel I saw Yukimura outside along with Toudou, Harada, Nagakura and Inoue. They were loud.

« Actually Gen, I promised Chizuru-chan to visit the compound with her ! » Toudou said, enthusiastic.

_Chizuru-chan... _I thought to myself. _When did they become that intimate ? And when did she get permission to leave her room ? _

« And I'm going too ! » said Harada « to make sure no one's gonna bother her! »

« I see ! It does make sense ! » Agreed Inoue with a kind smile « then, Nagakura-kun, let's go ! »

Nagakura, trapped, tried to call his friends back but they were already fleeing with Yukimura, all laughing. I realized it was the first time I saw her smile. She was quite pretty when she did. Still in the entrance , I turned myself back to Hijitaka-san.

« Fukuchô, while I'm in charge, will you allow me to let Yukimura out of her room sometimes ? » I asked and my boldness surprised even myself.

The vice-commander frowned at first then sighed and said « You'll be in charge. Do as you see fit. »

I nodded, grateful, and exited his office without turning back this time. I had to get ready for my mission.

Shimabara at night was the most crowded and lively place in Kyoto. I stopped at the pleasure house Yamazaki told me about, the Hanamado, meaning window of flowers. The customer I was looking for should be here tonight. The ninja was nowhere to be seen but I knew he was there. I entered the building and an oiran greated me immediately but I wasn't there for entertainment. After a quick study of the place, I had to resign myself. The man I was looking for either wasn't there anymore or was in a private room with an oiran.

I decided not to blow my cover and accepted the service of the courtesan but I chose to sit where I could have a perfect vision of the room, the exit and the stairs coming down.

The oiran I chose was beautiful even if a bit older than her collegues, I acknowledged, but I couldn't care less. She spoke to me but I wasn't listening. My eyes were roaming around the room constantly, searching for my target.

« May I pour you some sake, Saito-han ? »

"Ha." I answered without even looking at her.

She poured me a cup and I drank it mechanically. It was a good one. I nodded to signify my approbation and she poured me another one. While drinking again, slower this time, I kept my senses in alert. Sake wasn't an obstacle, I always had a great resilience to alcohol.

« Would you like me to dance for you, Saito-han? » she asked with a smile.

I nodded again. _Anything but just shut your mouth. _It's not that I couldn't appreciate the arts mastery of a skilled oiran but I was on duty and had better to do that to hear her babbling. She started dancing and something caught my eyes. A purple haori as described by Yamazaki. The man got down the stairs, grabbed his swords and exited the pleasure house. I immediately finished my cup of sake and followed after him without a word to my oiran.

« Was it that bad ? » I heard her ask to a fellow courtesan in the background when the owner gave me back my swords. I had to remember to come again and give her the attention she deserved as an apology, someday.

I caught up with the man with the purple haori quite easily and in a blink my katana was on his throat, threatening.

« Get in that alley » I told him, voice as sharp as my blade. Obedient, he did as advised and soon enough, it was only the two of us, my katana between our two bodies.

« What do you want ? » he asked me with fear. « Money ? »

I frowned. It was a disgrace for a samurai to talk about money. They had to care only about duty and honor, not personal wealth. I guess times were changing although the guy didn't look like a warrior at all. His haori was made of silk with subtle gold patern on the deep purple color and his kimono had the same luxury style. Only his swords on his left side and his hairstyle, a chonmage, proved that he was considered a samurai. I doubted he used his sword in battle once.

« Informations » I replied harshly, icy eyes plunged in his terrorized one. The eyes of a killer.

« About what ? I'll tell you anything, please ! » he begged.

He started crying. I was disgusted. How could this sort of man proudly call himself a samurai ?

« The rebellion » I said, applying my sword more firmly on his neck. A bit of blood poured from a small cut and the eyes of the man widened.

« I don't know anything about it ! I swear ! There's this merchant, Kiemon. He's in charge. I was only a decoy to keep the Bakufu out of the way. Please ! Please let me go » he begged again but that wouldn't save him. He was guilty of treason.

« For allying yourself with the ennemies of the Bakufu, I, Saito Hajime, capitain of the third division of the Shinsengumi, sentence you to die. »

He never got the chance to reply or beg again. My katana slide across his throat with ease and he fell at my feet with a gag. As he touched the ground, Yamazaki appeared besides me, in his black ninja outfit. Even with all my senses fully awake, I didn't hear him arrive. He really was a spy of excellence and I was glad he was on our side.

« Did you hear what he said ? » I asked.

« Hai, Saito. Kiemon. I will try to find out who that is. » he bowed.

I nodded and cleaned my blade in the corpse's kimono. I would clean it better back at the compound. I started walking when Yamazaki stopped me.

« Saito ! » he called.

I paused and turned myself back to Yamazaki.

« Hijikata-san said that you don't have to come back to the compound straight away. You have a permission for tonight. » he bowed.

The thought of the oiran at the pleasure house crossed my mind and I decided that the sooner I could make it up to her, the better it was. Besides, I needed a drink. And some company.


	4. Duel

Hijikata-san and Sannan-san left a week ago and I was in charge of the compound. Lost in reports and paperwork, I didn't have much time to sleep and kept myself in the vice-commander's office. I even brought my futon in it and asked my meals to be bought here so that I could be more efficient. As I was scribbling a note, Souji entered the room without announcing himself. Annoying but unfortunately predictable.

« Afraid of the outside light, Hajime-kun ? I'm gonna believe you changed into Rasetsu ! » he grinned widely.

« Souji... » I sighed to show him that I disapproved of his joke.

« Come on ! It's a beautiful morning ! You should step outside once in a while. This paperwork ain't gonna disappear. » he said, getting closer to pull on my arm.

« Hijitaka-san trusted me with it. I cannot deceive him » I replied without looking up as I made a movement of shoulder to throw his arm away.

« This is so you, Hajime-kun ! » Souji chuckled « But ! You have only two options ! » He added, lifting two fingers in front of my face.

I finally looked up and crossed my arms, waiting for his proposal.

« You can stay here all day and I will stay here too, bothering you until you get out OR you could come and duel with me, one short exchange, match in one point, and I will leave you alone with all your boring occupations. So, what say you? »

I didn't need to answer. He knew he had won. He got me at "duel". I grabbed my swords lying next to me and followed him outside. He wad right, it was indeed a pleasant morning. The wind was fresh and blowing my hair, sharp on my skin but I didn't mind. I liked the cold. Souji and I went in the courtyard but someone arrived nearly at the same timing.

« Yukimura. » I said to salute her.

« Ara, Chizuru-chan ! Good morning! » added Souji with a smile.

_Chizuru-chan too, just like Toudou..._

« Okita-san, Saito-san » she answered, politely bowing.

_She didn't call him Souji... Maybe he's just teasing her by calling her by her first name... _

« What are you doing here? »

My voice came out harsher than I anticipated. I could see a bit of fear in her eyes but she quickly regained her composure. Looking at her, I felt the urge to apologize but instead I stayed silent. It was the first time I had the chance to speak with her alone. Well, nearly alone.

« Don't worry Chizuru-chan, Hajime-kun ain't gonna eat you. » Souji said, smirkingly.

« I have been told I was allowed to get out of my room now. I felt like getting some fresh air but if you prefer, I can go »

« Stay if you wish. » I said, making Souji chuckle.

« Thank you, Saito-san. » she replied, bowing again.

I could see that she was happy but she was dancing nervously on her feet. Souji saw it too and of course, couldn't loose an occasion to make her even less comfortable.

« You have something to say, Chizuru-chan ? Just spit it out already ! »

« I'm... I'm sorry ! » She bowed again, embarassed. « I've been left in my room for so long. I'm grateful for your hospitality but I can't help but wonder if you've found any information about my father... Heisuke told me he had none but... »

_Heisuke. First name basis already ? _I raised a brow. _They must be close in age but still, he's a capitain of the Shinsengumi._

Since I remained silent again, Souji replied with seriousness, crossing his arms.

« We don't have any clue, I must admit. We sometimes ask during patrols but nobody seems to know about Kodo's whereabouts. That's strange because he was an estimated doctor. »

« I understand... » her eyes expressed her sadness but she lifted her head, determination reflected in her entire face. « Would you mind if I got out of the compound sometimes? I'd like to help search for my father. »

« No. » I cut her speech right there and saw the hope desert her eyes slowly.

« What Hajime-kun means is that our patrols can be dangerous. It's no place for a girl like you. We won't be able to protect you. »

« I can defend myself ! » She objected « I can use my kodachi, I learned in a dojo when I was younger. Please, I won't be a bother ! »

Souji chuckled but I was curious. Could she really wield a sword ?

« Alright. I will judge your swordsmanship. » I stated.

She clearly didn't expect that but her volition didn't falter. I liked that.

« Ara, what an honor! Hajime-kun is one of the bests here ! After me, of course ! Don't decieve him, Chizuru-chan. »

I walked to place myself at duel distance from Yukimura and waited, leaving my katana in its scabbard.

_What are you waiting for ? You want our trust ? Earn it. _

« Come on, Chizuru-chan ! Attack Hajime-kun ! » applauded Souji, overly enthusiastic.

« Shouldn't we use other swords ? » She suggested, panicked. « It's too dangerous ! » She turned to me and added with a lot of seriousness « What if I kill you ? »

_Then you could take my unit, my rank as capitain and behead my body to shame me since I was nothing but a joke. You really think this could happen?_

« Hahaha ! » Souji laughed uncontrollably « that's the best one i ever heard ! You, kill Hajime-kun ! I'll probably be the one dying here ! »

« But... »

« But if you worry that much » I said calmly in the usual toneless voice I use with people « use the dull side of your kodachi. Go as hard as you can if you want to convince us. I will hold back but you must not. »

This seemed to reassure her and she took her fighting stance in front of me, not perfect but I could see that she took lessons. She was calm, putting her will into the duel as if her life depended on it. It almost made me smile. Holding her kodachi without shivering, eyes on me burning with volition, in her fighting stance... She was... cute ? A little giggle escaped my lips before I disciplined myself.

She charged me with all her strength. In a swift single movement that I already did more than a thousands time, I unsheathed my katana, disarmed her and pressed my blade on her neck. I heard her kodachi land on the ground of the courtyard before she even realized it left her hand. Our eyes met. I didn't budge, neither did she. I heard Souji clapping his hands behind us.

« Hahaha, surprised, Chizuru-chan ? Hajime-kun is a master of Iai, the art of drawing the sword. Most of his battles end in a single blow. » he explained.

« I... I see... » she stuttered.

Her eyes changed. I was expecting fear to reflect on it but I only saw respect. It wasn't the kind of respect you have for someone older or for an host. It was the respect you have from one warrior to another. I didn't know why, but seeing her look at me like this made me feel more joy than I anticipated.

I broke the eye contact and put my katana back in its scabbard before crouching on the ground to pick up her Kodachi. As I suspected on the first day we met, it was ancient and probably passed from generation to generation. A crest was engraved on the blade, near the pommel but I didn't know it, neither did I know if it was a blacksmith kamon or a clan kamon. If it was the latter, it should have been an infamous family. The blade itself was of good quality although with minor traces of old rust. It really was a fine kodachi, not the one you expect a kid to carry.

_Who are you, Yukimura Chizuru?_

« Your master can be proud. » I said, giving her her sword back. « You didn't falter. »

She gave me the widest smile I have ever seen while putting her sword back in its scabbard.

« Ara, you've got yourself Hajime-kun's blessing ! That's an event ! » Souji said playfully. « We'll talk about it to Hijikata-san. Maybe you'll be allowed to join us during our rounds. »

I turned my back on them without any more words, I had still so much paperwork to do. Souji was still in conversation with Yukimura and that should entertain him long enough to let me work peacefully. I knew he didn't really care about the duel anyway, he just wanted me to get out. Souji cared about others, in his own annoying way. I smiled.

_Yukimura Chizuru... Maybe you're more interesting than I thought... _


	5. Dinner

Even if I was in charge of the compound, it didn't release me of my other duties. Harada and Nagakura were going on night patrol tonight and it was my turn to cook.

I finished my note in Hijikata-san's office and stretched my arms and my neck before taking the kitchen's direction with a light heart. For me, it wasn't a chore. In fact, I liked cooking and I secretly wished I could do it more often, when I had the chance. Plus, it was a nice way to take my head off the paperwork. I wondered how Hijikata-san could deal with this everyday without getting insane. I wasn't showing it, of course, but a few weeks already got me exhausted.

As I entered the kitchen, anticipating what I could cook, a nightmare began. Everything was dirty. The one who was on kitchen duty before me didn't bother to clean up before handing the chore to me which was unforgivable. I could accept many things, but a dirty kitchen and a half fulfilled duty weren't among those things. Furious, I looked on the hanging paper on the wall who was responsible for this mess.

_Toudou._

I should have known. However very skilled and a good captain, Toudou was easily distracted. Probably Harada or Nagakura, maybe both, came in and made him abandon the chore. I could picture that quite easily. _Come on Heisuke ! There's something funnier to do ! You'll finish this later ! _And Toudou forgot to come back.

But I could not tolerate this. I exited the kitchen and found Toudou. He was with Yukimura, both laughing like old friends. I stopped in front of them.

« Toudou. The kitchen. » I said in a monotonous voice. I didn't want Yukimura to see I was angry. I still didn't know a thing about her, if she were to be a spy, I wouldn't like to give her any information about the captains's dissensions. Toudou seemed to remember immediately and his face became red with shame.

« I'm... I'm sorry, Saito ! I'll go clean immediately. » he said with a frenetic nod.

I nodded calmly and Yukimura came to take her friend's defense.

« I'm sorry, Saito-san, this is my fault ! Heisuke came to spend some time with me. May I go with him ? We'll work faster ! »

« No. » I simply answered and Toudou left us, still red.

To be honest, she was right. They would have worked more efficiently together but it was Toudou's mistake so he had to fix it alone. My point wasn't to punish him but to give him a chance to make things right himself and he knew that. At the end of the day, we were comrades and I liked Toudou but that didn't mean he could not respect the rules. I turned to Yukimura and she looked at me with sad eyes. I didn't want her to look at me like this. Still, I didn't know what to say for her to stop.

« I'm sorry, Saito-san » she confessed.

« You have done nothing wrong, Yukimura. Toudou had a duty, he has to do it accordingly. »

We stayed silent for a bit. No one seemed to know how to continue or end the conversation. It was awkward.

« Do you want me to get back to my room, Saito-san ? » she asked shyly, playing with her hands in discomfort.

« As you wish. » I said « And please, drop the san. I heard you don't use it with other captains. »

« I... It depends... » she stuttered « They asked me to... So... »

« And I'm asking you » I said, plunging my eyes in hers but instead of reassuring her, that seemed to make her even more uncomfortable.

« All.. Alright... Saito. »

She couldn't help but stutter. It wasn't happening with other captains. Well maybe Souji when he was teasing her but it was understandable. I smiled a little to make her more at ease.

« Hum Saito... » she asked suddenly.

« Yes, Yukimura ? »

« While Hijikata-san is away, I must obey to you, right ? »

« That is correct. » I nodded.

« Can you allow me to help with the chores ? I... I want to help, you know, around the compound.» She asked nervously.

« I'll allow it. » I said as I watched her smile growing wider. « But only on my watch. When Hijikata-san returns, you'll have to ask him again for permission. I am merely his substitute for a few weeks. »

She was glowing. I didn't know chores could have this effect on anyone... She looked just as if I had offered her the moon... She bowed and thanked me with so much sincerity that I almost felt confused. I wasn't accustomed to provoke this kind of reaction. I almost blushed but I saw Toudou coming back and with him, my chance to leave before embarrassing myself.

Alone in the kitchen, I felt better. Everything was shiny and clean. Toudou probably got some help to do something this good in a so short amount of time but I didn't care about the means, only the result. I started cooking, cutting the vegetables with a lot of ease and boiling some water. I prepared a vegetable soup, grilled fish and some sesame flavored rice to accompany it. My mind drifted away and I thought about Yukimura once again.

It probably wasn't easy to be the only girl in a house of men. I'd better keep an eye on her and make sure no one was going to act shamefully with her. I thought about Toudou, already on first name basis, Souji and his teasing, Harada and Nagakura, known for their love of women and I sighed with despair. Not the best place to land for a young girl with so much innocence. She would need weapons, mental weapons, to protect herself.

Dinner was ready and I let the guys know. I started picking my tray up to go eat in the office as usual but I heard Toudou's joyfull voice.

« I'll go get Chizuru! »

« Wait ! » said Harada as Toudou was storming out « I think Souji already went ! »

_She's been eating with them... Maybe I should stay. Just to be sure there's no wolf after her. _

I sat in the dining room under surprised looks and she arrived shortly after, following Toudou and Souji. She sat next to Harada and Nagakura and we started eating. I wished I could say that it was peaceful but of course, it wasn't since Nagakura started picking on Toudou again, stealing his food as usual. It was loud but it wasn't annoying at all for me. In fact, eating in the office for so long made me realize how much I liked those shared moments. Sharing a good meal with my friends, that was one of the sources of my happiness, probably because I never experienced it younger.

« Sorry about that, Chizuru... » Harada said with an embarassed smile.

But she didn't seem to mind at all. She was laughing and enjoying herself. I wondered if she had brothers. But before I could ask, Inoue entered the room with a worried expression on his face.

« Oy ! Gen-san ! Are you joining us ? » said Harada joyfully before noticing Inoue's dark face. « What happened ? »

« Commanders Kondou-san and Hijikata-san are gonna come back sooner than expected. There has been a fight and Sannan got hurt. »

« Sannan ?! » yelled Toudou « Is it bad ?! »

« His life isn't threatened, I was told. But his left arm was badly injured. » continued Inoue with a glum expression.

Silence was deafening. All the contrary of the joyfull ambiance before Inoue entered the room. I couldn't look up, eyes locked on my plate. Sannan... Injured... We all knew what it meant. All except Yukimura who was the first to speak up.

« Well, it's an injury... At least he's not dead... We should be thankful. » she said with a small smile.

_Just shut up, stupid. You don't even know what you're talking about ! _

« A katana takes two hands to be wielded » I explaned to her calmly even if my blood was boiling inside. « Sannan will probably never use a sword again. »

She seemed to understand and kept silent after this. But Toudou opened his mouth.

« Maybe... Maybe he could take it... »

« Heisuke ! » yelled Harada, putting his hand on Toudou's mouth.

I couldn't believe my ears ! Bringing up the subject of the Ochimizu in front of Yukimura ! I stepped up before more mistakes could be made.

« Yukimura. Allow me to take you back to your room. »

It was a suggestion but it sounded like an order. I just didn't want her to ear things that might lead her to a death sentence. She thanked me and followed. She entered her room and wished me good night before closing the wood panel. I stayed there a moment. I wanted to go in and explain to her why I had to do this and why ignorance was bliss. But I knew that it would be inappropriate for me to get inside her room, especially at dusk.

I just took the direction of my room to think about Sannan. A warrior without the ability to swing the sword, unable to die honorably in battle, that was probably Sannan's destiny. I didn't know how I would react if it happened to me. I would probably try to seppuku with only one hand. Without a sword, I would be useless to the Shinsengumi and this was my greatest fear.

_I hope Sannan will be alright..._


	6. Return

March 1864

Kondou-san, Hijikata-san and Sannan came back shortly after we got the news. As I suspected, Sannan's arm injury was deep and his arm would never wield a sword again. I was directly summoned in Hijikata-san's office as soon as he arrived.

« Fukuchô. » I announced myself.

« Come in, Saito. »

I entered the room and bowed respectfully, as usual, before sitting in seiza, waiting for my new orders.

« First of all, thank you for taking care of everything while I was away. I know it wasn't a simple task. » he said with a small smile.

« I only did my duty. » I bowed again, happy to be praised for my hard work by the man I respected the most.

« Don't be that modest. » he smiled again « Anyway, I think we are all going out tonight, all the captains. Our trip to Osaka was a success on the financial aspect and we got new fundings from the Bakufu. Sannan's morale is very low since his injury, I think a night out with everyone will benefit him. »

« Alright » I nodded, happy to go out with everyone after so much sleepless night working.

« I still have a dilemma though. » he sighed « I don't want to take Yukimura to Shimabara. She's too young, she's a girl, she's not a member of the Shinsengumi. But I don't know who should guard her while we're out. »

I wasn't very comfortable with the idea of leaving the girl at night with a womanizer like Harada or Nagakura. Why not Souji or Toudou but I wasn't really sure of their intentions either. Inoue would be the logical choice but anyway, if the vice commander was talking to me about the matter, there was only answer possible.

« I'll do it. » I stated.

« Are you sure, Saito ? You deserve a reward too for all the work you did during these past weeks. » he frowned.

« Ha. » I nodded.

« Then I accept. Thank you for volunteering. Now on a more unpleasant subject » he continued, handing me a sheet of paper. « Here's Yamazaki's report about the Kiemon merchant. He's under surveillance for now. Yamazaki and Shimada are taking turns but they didn't notice anything abnormal yet. Are you sure about your information ? »

« I am. »

I didn't need to say more. No one's eyes could ever lie to me and the vice-commander knew it well. That was why he sent me on this mission, I was the best to dig the truth. Hijikata-san looked at me in silence before continuing. « Fine. We'll keep an eye on him. »

I nodded again. Hijikata-san's trust was something that I treasured like my own life. I would gladly die for him, Kondou-san or the Shinsengumi. There were no orders they could ever give me that I would flat-out refuse.

« Thank you, Saito. You can dismiss. »

« Fukushô, about Yukimura... » I said, out of nowhere.

« What about her ? » said Hijikata-san, raising an eyebrow in surprise that I was bringing up the subject again.

« She asked if she could accompany us during the rounds to search for her father. » I blurted out.

There. I said it. I was probably looking like a fool now. A warrior asking to tag along with a kid while on mission... But I promised Yukimura that we'll talk to Hijikata-san and I was a man of my word. It was better if I was the one to do so before Souji. Surprise grew even bigger on the vice commander's face.

« Saito... You do realize she's a kid, right? » he said in a gentle voice. He probably was thinking I was out of my mind. But I couldn't withdraw now.

« She actually knows how to handle her sword. » I explained calmly « I tested her myself. Plus, she's polite and obedient, I don't think she would be a bother. And she is our best chance at finding Kodo. »

It was only a logical statement. Nothing personal in that and Hijikata saw it. He brushed his chin with his fingers and finally sighed. « I'll think about it. »

« Thank you, fukuchô. »

I bowed and exited the office to find Souji leaning on a wood panel outside. He probably listened to the whole conversation, as always.

« What was that, Hajime-kun ? » he said playfully, a wry smirk on his face.

« What do you mean ? » I replied as I started walking in the direction of my room.

« Don't play innocent with me ! » Souji laughed, circling around me. « Oh Hijikata-san, leave me here alone with Yukimura tonight, please ! Oh Hijikata-san, allow me to bring my pet Yukimura when I go out ! »

« That's not how I sound. » I objected calmly.

« But that's what you meant. » he commented snidely.

« Don't you have anything better to do ? »

« I might. But this is way funnier ! » he chuckled.

I had no doubt he was indeed finding it funny but he was totally making things up and I had no intention of carrying this conversation any further. As I arrived next to my room, I noticed Yukimura who was hanging some laundry outside. Souji noticed her too and his smirk grew bigger.

« Oye ! Chizuru-chan ! » he called, waving his hand.

She smiled at us and waved back « Saito-s.., Okita ! »

_She nearly said san. _I didn't realize I had a small smile on my face.

Souji did.

« Hajime-kun's gonna stay with you tonight ! Isn't it wonderful ? I bet you two will have a lot of fun together... You better be overly nice to him, if you know what I mean, or else, i'll kill you ! » he said with a wink.

_Souji, you bastard. _

Yukimura's face took the color of a tomato, probably wondering what Souji was implying. I glared at him screaming « _I will kill you first if you continue » _with my eyes and entered my room, closing the wood panel with force.

Souji's laughter echoed behind the wall and it made me angry. From now on, I was going to keep away from Yukimura. I was right from the beginning, this girl was trouble.

I decided to meditate for a while to cleanse my mind of all this anger towards Souji. Deep inside, I wasn't mad at him. That's just the way Souji was. Yet, I was still annoyed in the surface and these feelings were troubling the peaceful surface of the lake of my emotions. They weren't necessary and worse, they were the enemies of the warrior's way. In seiza, I closed my eyes and focused on my breath. I let my mind drift away and calm myself. After a while, maybe a couple hours, I was stopped in my meditation by voices outside. I recognized Harada's.

« Saito, we're going. »

« Ha. » I responded.

« Sannan said he didn't want to come and locked himself in his room. Do you want to come with us ? » he said.

I took a moment to think. If Sannan was there, I didn't need to stay. But if he locked himself in his room, he probably wouldn't keep an eye on Yukimura like Hijikata-san asked me to do.

« I will stay here. » I finally replied.

« Yeah, Okita said you'd say that. » he said with a small chuckle « Then take care ! See you tomorrow. »

I sighed and tried to get back to my meditation as I heard their steps move away. When I was sure they were gone, I exited my room to practice a few moves outside. I didn't want to get any more snide remarks.

When I opened the shoji, I nearly bumped into Yukimura and she flushed at my sight. Was she thinking about what Souji said ?

« A.. Ah ! Saito-s... I... I made dinner if you wish to eat. I bought some to Sannan-san but he refused it... »

I wasn't surprised. If I were in Sannan's situation, I wouldn't want to eat either. I simply nodded at her and followed her to the dining room. We didn't exchange a word during the meal. I could see she was very uncomfortable. I put my chopsticks down when I was finished and decided to break the silence.

« Yukimura... »

« Yes, Saito ? » she startled, blushing red.

« Please don't think about what Souji said. » I muttered, feeling the tip of my ears becoming red as well.

« I don't ! » she yelled, making big apologizing gestures with her hands « I mean ! I do a bit but that's not the reason why I cooked ! I didn't want to be nice to you because he asked me, I just... The Shinsengumi is nice to me, I wanna help ! »

I smiled and she flushed again. She was indeed cute. I understood why the other captains were all so friendly to her. I wanted to know more about her but I didn't know where to start and what could be asked or not. I never had been very inclined to small talk.

« I'll guard your door tonight. » I just said.

« All...Alright... Thank you, Saito »

We did the dishes together and I accompanied her to her room afterwards. She opened the wood panel and stepped inside, before turning to me, embarrassment painted on her face along with a certain candor.

« Would you like to come in, Saito ? I mean... » she blushed again when she realized how it could be interpreted. « You're supposed to guard me but it's a bit cold outside. Maybe drink a tea together ? »

« It would be unseemly for me to be in a girl's room at night. And I don't mind the cold. » I replied, politely refusing her invitation « Good night, Yukimura. »

« Good night, Saito. » she said quickly.

She closed the wood panel with force, as if she was fleeing my presence and it was a bit hurtful but I ignored it. I was accustomed to these kind of behaviors. I wasn't scary on purpose and I always tried to be polite to everyone but I guess my social skills weren't really the best, outside of missions. I stayed outside, guarding, for the rest of the evening. It was already morning when they all came back, totally drunk except Hijikata-san who usually didn't drink alcohol.

« See ? Told you he'd be there ! » yelled Toudou angrily and I saw Souji throw him some money. Harada came to sit next to me and I looked at him, locking my gaze in his, waiting for an explanation.

« Okita bet with Heisuke that you'd be in Chizuru's room when we come back. They pretty much spent all night arguing about it. » he said with an embarassed smile and a shrug.

« I see. » I simply replied, my gaze wandering on my comrades.

« Are you alright ? »

« I'd better get some sleep. » I replied, fleeing his questions.

I stood up and took the direction of my room to rest after this night spent guarding in the cold. From afar I could see Souji still teasing Toudou under Nagakura's laughter, mimicking kisses and pounding hearts. Toudou on the contrary, looked like he could kill Souji on the spot. If he was less drunk obviously. In his current state, Souji wouldn't have trouble evading any of his attacks. I sighed and entered the solitary security of my room which was like a cocoon to me.

_Yukimura... What are you doing to us? _


	7. Nights

April 1964

I had been very busy the past weeks. Thanks to my plea in her favor, Yukimura was allowed to join the captains in their rounds during the day but I didn't want to take any part in it. All the understated words of Souji were still very fresh in my mind and I had enough of his teasing already.

In an attempt to avoid Yukimura and all the trouble she was causing, I took all the missions I could get at daylight and took all the nightshift rounds so I wouldn't have to be with her. I could see my unit wasn't very happy with it but I couldn't blame them. Nightshift were hard for everyone and even I was starting to feel a bit exhausted.

As I was walking in the compound to join Hijikata-san, I saw Yukimura from afar, serving tea to Harada and Nagakura. Toudou was in patrol, I wondered why she didn't join him since they were like the best of friends recently, maybe he left too early.

« Hey Saito ! » said Nagakura, waving at me. « Come and join us for tea ! »

« No, thank you. » I refused politely as I continued to walk, trying my best to ignore the sad and perplexed look Yukimura was sending me. As I turned around the corner, I heard her voice, filled with sorrow and guilt.

« Saito-san doesn't like me very much... » she muttered sadly.

« Ignore him, Chizuru-chan » I heard Harada reply. « I don't think it's the case. He's just not very talkative but he's a good man. Things will get better when you'll get to know him. He's just a bit shy, you know. »

« But he's always working... How can I get a chance to know him better ? »

I didn't hear the rest of the conversation. Why did this kid want to befriend me so bad ? It made no sense.

« Why are you avoiding her ? »

In a heartbeat, Souji was there. I should be avoiding him too, it would save me some trouble.

« I'm not. » I lied.

« Come on, Hajime-kun... Everyone noticed... You're working all the time, you're eating as far away from her as you can... People notice these sort of things you know. And they start to talk... »

« Let them talk then, I have nothing to hide. » I simply replied.

« Do you like Chizuru-chan ? » he asked bluntly.

I stopped to walk to look at his face. He had a smile but nothing teasing or mean. It seemed like it was a simple question and so I decided to answer it with honesty.

« I have nothing against her. She's very polite, she's helping a lot around the compound, she's obedient... I think she's a nice girl. »

« Don't you think she's cute ? » he asked with a wry smile.

« I don't have any opinion on the matter. » I replied, evading his piercing eyes.

Okay, I wasn't totally honest there but Souji was being a bit too nosy.

« I see. I wont be bothering you any longer. » he chuckled.

« Saito ! »

I heard Hijitaka-san's voice and turned around to see him walking toward us.

« Saito, there's perhaps something fishy at the pleasure house you went last time. Yamazaki is keeping an eye on the merchant, Shimada's resting, I need you to go tonight. Plus, you already know the place. Souji, you're going too. Harada is taking the night round. »

« Ha. » I simply said.

« Yeah ! Partners in crime again, Hajime-kun ! I love this ! » Souji laughed.

« Fukuchô, what should we be looking for ? » I asked, confused.

« It's only a spying mission. » he said « You go, you enjoy yourself but you let your ears open and you report everything you ear. I don't want any fuss, am I understood ? You act like any other customer. » he added, looking at Souji.

« Hai, Toshi ! You can count on us ! » said Souji with faked obedience.

« Good » he said and in a blink, he was gone.

« Toshi has been so nervous lately... Acting so bossy... » muttered Souji, a grim look on his face.

« He's the vice-commander. » I stated.

« Yeah but Kondou-san's the real commander ! » he frowned « He should learn to let Kondou-san take care of things ! Toshi's acting like he's in charge here ! »

« He is. »

« Because Kondou-san wants it. I don't like him to be so pumped with power ! »

I didn't answer this time, knowing it wouldn't serve any purpose. I let Souji complain about Hijikata-san until he calmed himself. They were friends and had been for a long time but sometimes, Souji just needed to let out some steam and complaining was one of his ways of doing so. The less deadly anyway.

I quietly listened to him until he was done, both sitting on the wooden floor outside, legs hanging, and we stayed there in silence. The wind was howling today and I could hear it in all the compound, almost whispering things to the one who can listen.

I stood up when I saw Yukimura approaching and fled without showing it but I sensed Souji's eyes following me with amusement. I would probably hear about it again tonight.

The pleasure house hadn't change since the last time I came. Souji and I were in the common room, waiting for an oiran to entertain us. I would have liked to ask for the one I had last time but I didn't get her name. Pretending to be two friends coming to celebrate something, we were carefully listening to conversations around us but nothing caught our attention.

« Saito-han. »

It was the same oiran, still very pretty. She recognized me and I was honored with it. There was something in her that I was finding very appealing although I didn't know what.

« Good evening » I replied with my best smile. « I'm sorry I didn't get your name last time but I'm happy you remembered me. »

Souji looked at me, curious. He was probably wondering why I was so friendly to that woman. He wasn't very accustomed to spying missions but the reason was simple : If you want to make people talk, you have to talk first and make them confident enough to deliver their secrets.

« It's Yuki, Saito-han. And YOU honor me by remembering me. » she said, sitting but a bit above us and not on the floor, as her position allowed her to. Oirans were queens in their houses, a lot above us in hierarchy.

I nodded and Yuki started to entertain us. She was a marvelous dancer and she had a lot of conversation as suitable for an oiran, and she was clearly interested in me. Even if I wasn't the sharpest about these kind of feelings and lust, she didn't make any mystery of it and I would have been blind not to get the message. Souji saw it too and whispered to me.

« I'll go see if I can drink with someone or get an oiran to talk. You try to get something out of her. »

I nodded discretly while emptying my sake cup and Souji stood up, excusing himself.

« Is your friend leaving ? » Yuki asked me.

« I don't think so. He just wanted to give us some time alone. »

She blushed but I wasn't a fool, I knew it was nothing but an act. I saw her big chestnut eyes light with interest.

« Should we go somewhere private ? » I told her, knowing already that even if oiran could refuse themselves to a client, this one wouldn't oppose.

« As you wish » she replied, leading me to a private room.

When we entered, I asked her casually « Do you have a lot of customers here ? »

« It depends but most of the nights, we do. » She lit the encense before closing the wood panel. « It is a very respectable house here. How would you like me to entertain you ? »

She sat in seiza, her chestnut eyes on the ground in a submissive stance. She was beautiful with her rich kimono, her makeup and all her hairpins but the only thing that matteted to me was her eyes, big chestnut eyes sparkling with promises of a good time. Suddenly, I felt the urge to possess her and I undid her kimono to reveal her body. I felt my desire growing stronger but I didn't loose sight of my spying mission and kept asking some casual questions about the place and the clients while undressing her, but I learned nothing.

Naked in front of me, she was a real beauty and I took a lot of pleasure in exploring her body before losing myself in her embrace, just the time for the encense to be totally consumed. It was the first time for me to get an oiran but I just couldn't keep my composure with her. I desired her like never I desired a woman before, her eyes hypnotizing me in a way I didn't know was possible, almost as if I was bewitched. When time was over, I put on back my kimono and got back in the common room where I found Souji. We exited the place together and he asked me « Did you learn anything ? »

« No. You? »

« Nothing either... I don't know what we were looking for but anyway, we didn't find it. » he said walking with his hands behind his head « Maybe Toshi lied. »

« The vice-commander would never do such a thing. » I stated.

« Sure. » he said with a grin « just sayin, maybe he knew you wouldn't ask for time for yourself and he wanted to make it up to you for staying alone all night in the compound while we were all out, offering you quality time with a friend. But, maybe that's just my imagination... »

He glared at me with a small smile and asked the question that was burning his lips.

« You had a good time with Yuki ? »

I didn't answer but my ears got red, answering in my place. On my lips, I could still taste the sweetness of her skin.

« She's beautiful isn't she ? There's something about her that makes her special, don't you agree ? I can't put my finger on it, though... » he tapped his chin with his finger, looking at the stars « What made you choose her, Hajime-kun ? What did you like in her ?»

« Her eyes. » I answered without a doubt.

« Really ? Her eyes ? I guess they are pretty, I noticed them too. They are exactly the same as Chizuru-chan's... »

Now that he was mentioning it, it was true. They had exactly the same eyes. I turned to Souji to see his smirk.

« You're making things up. » I stated.

« Futur will tell. » he laugh. « I wonder if you will continue to see Yuki now that you realized she looks like Chizuru-chan... That'd be awkward... Since you're avoiding Chizuru so much... »

I didn't bother to reply and kept walking.

_Futur will tell. _


	8. Fushimi

« Saito. »

I heard Shimada's voice from behind the wood panel. It was already morning. I had a little headache due to last night's drinking game. Although I won and had the best resilience to alcohol, it didn't prevent me from the after effects, especially considering the enormous amount I swallowed. I wanted to ask Yukimura to bring me some green tea, a good remedy to hangover, but it would be breaking my inner promise to myself of staying away from her. I would go and do it myself.

« Ha. » I answered Shimada, combing my hand in my messy hair and arranging my ponytail.

« Hijikata-san asks you to fetch Yukimura and bring her to his office. There's a concil going on and her presence, and yours, are requested. »

_Shit... I slept too much... _

That wasn't in my habits. I guess I got exhausted from all the spying missions I had lately. And the night rounds too. I got out of my futon, put on my black kimono and went to fetch Yukimura.

« Yukimura. Hijikata-san asks for your presence. » I called.

« Thanks, Saito ! I'm coming ! » she replied joyfully.

We went together to Hijikata-san's office to find Souji, Harada, Nagakura, Inoue and Toudou already there. I bowed politely and took place near Souji.

« Good morning sleepy head... » he whispered so only me could hear.

« Just shut up. » I muttered.

Hijikata-san started talking and we all kept silent.

« I'm sure everyone has heard already but we found a man in Fushimi matching Kodo's profile. »

« Really ?! » Yukimura nearly shouted.

_Ugh... My head... Please don't do that..._

« We're not sure about it yet. But we'll inverstigate. He's supposed to be at Terada-ya. Saito, you're going. »

I nodded quietly.

« That doesn't mean he's staying at the Inn... » said Harada, seconded by Nagakura. « He could be anywhere in Kyoto. »

« You're right » agreed Hijikata-san. « That's why perhaps it would be better to take Yukimura on your round today. I will also make a round, she can accompany me too.»

Hijikata-san turned to Yukimura and asked her. « Where do you want to go ? »

_Please don't say Fushimi... _

« Hijikata-san, if you'd allow me, I'd like to go to Terada-ya with Saito. »

_Shit._

I heard Souji chuckle next to me and he whispered « Ara, isn't that interesting Hajime-kun ? All this trouble to avoid her and she just can't get enough of you... »

_Shut up. She just wants to find her father. There's nothing to do with me._

Everyone knew what to do so we all exited Hijikata-san's office and I waited outside for Yukimura.

« Thank you for taking me with you, Saito! » she said, bowing.

« Ha. »

We began walking toward Fushimi in silence. With my hangover, I was pretty pleased with that even if I would love to get a hot green tea.

« How do we know my father might be here ? » she finally asked.

« We had a report about a bald doctor at Teradaya practicing western medecine. It matches your father's description. »

I saw her eyes express a multitude of feelings, anticipation, fear, hope, joy... And I caught myself thinking of the oiran Yuki who had the same eyes and the embrace we shared. I quickly put this thought away and adressed Yukimura.

« Let's hurry. But please tell me if you need to rest. »

We arrived to Teradaya sooner than I expected. Yukimura was making a lot of effort to walk quickly even though I could tell something was bothering her, probably her sandals that she kept looking at. She was walking awkwardly, changing the position of her feet often to make the pain go away. I slowed my pace to make things better for her but it didn't change anything. I was admiring her self control though. She didn't complain once.

« Should we enter the inn, Saito ? » she asked, excited. Her voice was vibrant with anticipation.

« There's a tea shop accross the street. Let's go in. » I ordered.

Obedient, she followed me without questioning. I led her to a seat on the shop balcony and I bend over to whisper in her ear.

« Teradaya is very popular among the Satsuma domain. » so close to her, I could smell her scent, like spices. « It might be dangerous for you with ronins of the west. »

« What could it mean for my father to be here ? » she asked, confused.

« I don't know yet. But I need you to observe the customers of the inn. I cannot go due to the connections of the Shinsengumi with the Aizu clan. The imperialists know what I look like, it could be dangerous. I will try to gather informations in the neighborhood. »

I could see fear pass through her eyes and I did my best to reassure her.

« Do not worry. If something happens to you, I will be here in a blink. »

She nodded with determination and I smiled gently. I went to scout the roads of the area, looking for intels but always coming back where I could have an eye on her. It seemed like she was taking the job very seriously, asking customers questions... I felt a bit of pride, as if she was actually my page and not Hijikata-san's. I continued my walk but all my leads were dead ends. The doctor at Terada-ya wasn't Kodo. I had to go back to fetch Yukimura. When I arrived, I saw her with a man overly flirtatious. She was smiling but her body language was showing she wasn't at ease at all. I hurried and came to rescue her.

« Yukimura. Sorry to keep you waiting. » I told her, by her side in a blink.

« Ah Saito ! » she smiled at me, relieved.

« Seems like you don't need my help now, Chizuru. I'd better get going. » said the man with a wink adressed to Yukimura.

_Why is everyone always on first name basis with this girl even when they just met her ?! Doesn't anyone respect each other anymore ?!_

I was pretty annoyed butIi didn't show it and the man just went away. I came closer to Yukimura when he turned back to wave at her and whispered in her ear.

« Who was it ? »

« I don't know. Saitani he told me. » she replied, flustered, and she took a step on the side to put a more comfortable distance between us.

_Saitani... Didn't ring any bell..._

« Lets go back. » I simply said.

As we were walking back to the compound, I told her that we were misled and her father wasn't at Teradaya. She couldn't hide her disappointment and I saw her eyes getting humid. I stopped near a tea house and adressed her.

« Would you like to get in ? » I asked.

She was very surprised. It was understandable. I've been so cold and distant with her lately.

« You did a great job today. Think of it as a reward. »

_And I'm still craving for green tea. _

Her face lit and she flashed me a giant smile. I felt something in my chest, like a rock, heavy and warm. She was so cute when she smiled, I wanted her to smile this way all the time.

« Thank you, Saito ! » she grinned widely.

The weather was exceptional and so, we sat at a table outside the tea house and ordered two green teas and some Yatsuhashi, triangle sweets stuffed with red bean paste. Sitting in front of her in the sun, Yukimura was glowing even more, light reflecting on her hair and eyes.

« It's my first time stopping at a tea house in Kyoto. » she said « the Yatsuhashi are delicious. »

« Ha. » I answered, sipping on my green tea.

« Thank you for taking me here. » she said genuinely.

« You're welcome. » I nodded.

I saw that she wanted to say something but couldn't seem to find the right words.

« What is it ? » I asked, plunging my azur eyes in her chestnut ones.

« No... Nothing ! » she stuttered, embarrassed.

« Please. » I insisted.

« I... You will think I'm stupid... but... I thought maybe you didn't like me... I thought you were avoiding me and... Sorry ! I just want to say that... I'm happy I was mistaken ! »

_So even she realized I was trying to avoid her... _

« I just had a lot of work lately. » I decided to lie. « It had nothing to do with you. »

« Yes... I'm... I'm sorry ! I must have embarassed you... » she blushed and it put a smile on my face.

« It's alright. » I said to reasure her.

The smile came back on her face when she saw mine and the rock sinked further in my chest. When we finished our teas, I payed the bill and we took the direction of the compound.

« Saito ! Chizuru-chan ! » I heard yelling from afar.

I turned to see Toudou, Harada and Nagakura waving at us in their blue haori. Yukimura waved back to them and they rapidly caught up with us.

Harada, all smily, ruffled his hand in Yukimura's hair and they laughed together. I was amazed by the way this girl became one of us in only a few months and I was happy to see that captains like Harada or Nagakura were acting with her like she was their sister or something. In the end, she didn't need weapons to defend herself, she had a multitude of big brothers ready to do it.


	9. Ikedaya

June 1864

« Souji did what ? » I asked Yamazaki to repeat, not believing my ears.

« He barged into the shop of that Kiemon guy, Furutaka Shuntarô. I heard he was following Yukimura who hid there during a street altercation. He found a lot of weapons that we didn't know about yet. »

The merchant on whose I had the intel months ago at the pleasure house had been found to be a Choshu spy but we didn't arrest him in order to find out his connection and make a better catch. Now everything was ruined.

« Kiemon had been arrested and is now questioned by Hijikata-san » he continued. « He's trying to get everything he can out of him but Sannan-san isn't really happy with the situation, he's been scolding Okita-san for half an hour already and you know his mood isn't very much improving lately. »

« We should go. » I replied, taking the direction of the common room with Yamazaki.

He hadn't lie, Sannan-san was practically yelling at Souji and he sighed when we entered and when he saw Yamazaki.

« Do you realize all the work of the past months you just destroyed ? » he asked with visible anger.

« For his defense » said Yamazaki « we were getting nowhere. I'm glad it's over now. » he said, smiling to Souji.

« And now we have a hell of a problem. » said Hijikata-san, storming in the room.

« Hijikata, you're finished interrogating him? » asked Sannan, turning his head on the vice-commander.

« Yes and they plan to wait for a dry and windy day to set fire to the whole city. These Choshu bastards are even madder than I expected ! » he frowned.

_Burning the city down... they're out of their mind..._

« There's a meeting tonight but I couldn't get the exact location. » Hijikata-san continued. « We're gonna divide in two groups. »

Kondou-san chose this moment to enter the common room, a concerned look on his face. « They can be in Ikedaya or Shikokuya but i'm betting on Shikokuya. »

« I agree » replied Hijikata-san, nodding.

« I will go. » affirmed Kondou-san.

« No, Kondou. I can't let you go to Shikokuya. It's too dangerous. »

Souji erupted when hearing this.

« Stop acting like you're the commander, Toshi ! Who are you to give orders to Kondou-san ?! »

« Shut up ! Kondou's going ! But not to Shikokuya. We need another group at Ikedaya with a commander in each of them. Souji, you'll be responsible for the safety of Kondou at Ikedaya. Can I count on you ? »

It was smart. By giving this order to Souji, it wasn't questioned that Kondou-san was in the Ikedaya team. Plus, it was defusing the situation by giving Souji something he craved : sharing a mission with Kondou-san.

« You just want the credit for yourself... » he muttered but he didn't question his orders.

« Good » continued Hijikata-san as if he hadn't heard. « Heisuke, Nagakura, you're with Kondou-san too. I want his safety to be top priority. Saito, Harada, you're with me. Shimada's coming too and we take every men available.»

« Ha. » I agreed.

Teams were set and we spent a decent amount of time speaking strategy before noticing Sannan-san leaving without a word, a grim look on his face.

« Sannan ! » called Hijikata-san. « You didn't get your orders yet ! »

Sannan stopped and gave a sad smile to the vice commander. « And what am I supposed to do with this arm of mine ? »

« You'll have to protect the compound. Everyone will be away except the sick soldiers and our enemies could see this as an opportunity to strike. You'll also have to keep an eye on Yukimura. Yamazaki, you'll assist him. »

Sannan-san didn't reply and just exited the room. I could see the knuckles of his healthy hand turn white as he was clenching his fist.

« Sannan's not getting better. » said Toudou, saying aloud what everyone was thinking.

« Mind your own business » said Hijikata-san, angrily, and the silence went deafening, the word Ochimizu on all the lips but not spoken.

When everyone was ready, we divided the men available in two groups. Ten went to the Ikedaya and twenty-eight to Shikokuya.

_So few... _

We put on our white haori, better to be seen during night time than our blue ones, and departed to take our positions. All waiting in anticipation of the meeting, time was running on pretty fast. Near Shikokuya, the wait was starting to bore everyone and no Choshu moves were observed. I was starting to wonder if the man hadn't lie during his questioning to escape Hijikata-san's methods. Nagakura made me a rather descriptive depiction of Hijikata-san's torture, being the one who brought him the tools after minutes of ineffective questioning and stubborn silence, and even if I was impassive on the outside, I was a bit shaken by the cruelty of his methods. From what I've heard, Hijikata-san suspended Furutaka by the ankles and hammered five inches iron nails into his heels. He then placed candles on top of the wounds, so that melted wax could drip onto open flesh, while the iron was slowly getting white-hot. He told me that it was also one of the reasons behind Sannan's anger. Apparently, he left the room, not able to cope with Furutaka's screams...

« What are you doing here ?! » I suddenly heard and I saw Hijikata-san and Harada gathering. The vice commander had his hand firmly grasped on the arm of...

_Yukimura ?!_

« Let me go ! I wasn't escaping ! I have a message from Sannan-san ! They're at Ikedaya ! Yamazaki is telling the Aizu domain ! » she said, nearly screaming.

« They're at Ikedaya... » Hijikata-san couldn't believe his ears and nervousness could be read on his face. He was probably thinking of Kondou-san and his small team. « Saito, Harada, take the men and go. »

« Ha. » I said before turning to Yukimura. « You're coming with me. Kyoto is too dangerous at night. »

We ran to Ikedaya the faster we could. In the air, I could already hear screams and smell blood. They were already engaged in furious battle. I turned to Harada.

« I'll take the front. » I stated

He nodded to me. « Understood, I take the back. »

Yukimura looked at both of us and took my sleeve. « Saito, can I come with you ? »

_No you can't ! It's a battle, you could get hurt or killed ! Plus in a space so tight, I could be the one hurting you ! You're out of your mind ! _

« Just stay close to me. And watch out for my sword. » I heard myself say in a toneless voice.

_Hajime, what the hell are you doing ?! _

« Sorry... » she replied, afraid, and she seemed to understand that she was a burden.

« I don't wish you dead. But my orders aren't to ensure your protection. So watch out for yourself. » I said harshly.

_Or just stay outside ?! Why is it so hard for me to tell her that ?! _

« Let's go. » I said, not wanting to waste any more time.

When we entered, the stench of blood grew stronger and I though Yukimura was going to vomit but she regained her composure. Kondou-san and Nakagura noticed me and smiled widely. I believe it was an awkward sight for Yukimura, all these men smiling, drenched in blood, fighting for their lives but that was just who we really were. Fighters, warriors, roshi... Killers.

« Saito-kun ! Go to Souji upstairs ! » yelled Kondou.

« Sorry there's not much left for you ! » added Nagakura « That's your fault for being late ! »

« I'll let it slide this time. » I answered him with a small laugh before I saw all the injured.

_So many... And I wasn't even there ! _

« Kill all of them ! » I barked to my men before turning to Yukimura. « Can you help the injured ? You're the daughter of a doctor. »

She lifted her eyes toward me and I felt something, a common understanding, a connection. Something broke between us, a wall I didn't notice was there but that I had built brick by brick with my own hands during the past months. I could feel she was able to understand me, to see the bottom of my heart even if I wasn't speaking. I felt I could die happily if her gaze was the last thing I see.

« I can do first aid.. » she said without assurance.

« Good. That's already plenty » I reassured her and I drove into the battle, knowing in my heart that she would help our fallen comrades. When I arrived upstairs though, the battle wasn't raging anymore. I found Souji and Toudou, lying on the ground and I wondered who had been talented enough to beat them both. There was no one else standing in the room, no corpse, as if they fought against some kind of ghost. I noticed the window was opened and supposed the mysterious warriors fled this way. Carefully, I put Toudou's body on my shoulder and took him outside, leaving him in Yukimura's hands before I did the same with Souji's.

Thanks to her, there was only one casualty in our ranks that night. And my admiration for her dedication made the rock in my chest pound again. I knew that feeling, I just didn't want to feel it and therefore decided to ignore it but I made a new promise to myself. I would not avoid her anymore. I would watch out for her, protect her... I would be the elder brother she deserves.


	10. Gion-matsuri

After the incident at Ikedaya, the end of july 1864 had been rough. Souji had a gunshot wound that took time to heal. Toudou and Nagakura were injured too, head for Toudou and hand for Nagakura. The two other men badly injured in the incident had died a few days later. Yukimura was working hard to help all the sick and wounded and it didn't seem to be easy. Warriors usually think they can deal with their problems alone so she had to step up most of the time to make them take their medecine, especially for Souji and Nakakura.

Toudou however was always very conciliant when Yukimura was the one bringing him medecine. I think the boy was starting to fall in love with her though I wasn't really sure. It sometimes annoyed me to see them getting so close but sometimes, I was also glad to see him make Yukimura smile so often. She looked happy. Exhausted but happy.

« Ah ! Saito ! » she smiled, waving at me.

« Yukimura. » I nodded politely.

« Do you want some tea ? I'm making some for the ills. »

« Thank you. I would like some. »

She flashed me the biggest smile and I wondered why she seemed so happy today. She came back shortly after with a hot cup of tea and sat next to me, her legs hanging and moving back and forth. She was excited about something and I wondered what could bring her so much joy. I must have been staring because her smile faded and she looked at me with a kind of defiance.

« What is it ? » she asked, perplexed.

« Nothing » I replied in my usual toneless voice. « You seem happy. »

« Yeah ! It's Gion's festival tonight and Harada told me he will bring me there ! We were supposed to go with Heisuke and Nagakura but since they are injured, they are assigned to the compound... I thought maybe neither of us would go but Harada insisted about bringing me. I'm so happy ! »

She was glowing. I didn't know she could be that excited about something but Gion Matsuri was indeed something to look forward to for most of Kyoto's inhabitants. And for Yukimura, who came from Edo, it would probably be the first time she gets the chance to witness it.

« I see. » I simply replied and I saw her flush next to me.

« So... Sorry... I was babbling... I just feel so excited... » she stuttered.

I continued to sip my tea next to her, enjoying her company when she turned to me again.

« Saito, would you like to join us tonight ? I'd be happy to have you with us. »

« Alright. » I agreed.

Here she was, glowing again and I noticed Harada coming our way. She gave him a cup of tea too and he joined us.

« Saito's coming with us tonight ! » she announced him joyfully.

« Is that so ? » he asked, looking at me with playful eyes. « Poor me, I was so happy to have you all to myself ! »

She became totally red and it seemed to amuse Harada a lot.

« If you prefer, I can leave you two some privacy. » I said calmly, as if it didn't matter to me.

« No ! Please Saito, you promised ! » said Yukimura, grabing my sleeve as if she wanted me to stay close to her. She was looking at me with her face still red but with a kind of sadness in her eyes.

_Do you really enjoy my company this much ? There is no logic in this. We barely speak to each other. _

Harada let out a loud laugh and passed his hand in Yukimura's hair, making them all messy.

« I'm joking of course ! Anybody who wants to come with us is free to join ! Especially if the princess of the compound asks for it ! » he chuckled.

_The princess... _I escaped a small laugh at the idea. But there was some truth in what he was saying. Even though she was only doing chores around the compound, we all liked her very much and she quickly became a part of our family. She was a comrade like any of us even if I wasn't sure she was actually realizing it.

« You heard him, Saito ! I wont take no for an answer ! » she laughed too and I couldn't help but make a small smile looking at both of them and their complicity.

« I'll come. » I said and I stood up to train with my Iai. « Thank you for the tea. »

In the evening, Gion's streets were all lit with paper lantern of various colors and the air carried the scents of all the food stands. Because of an assignment that I took, I didn't leave the compound with Yukimura and Harada and they went before me to see the beginning of the procession at Yasaka-jinja. We agreed to meet at the half of the procession and here I was, trying to find them in the crowd. I finally noticed them thanks to Harada who was so tall I could see him from afar. I wasn't as lucky with my short height and they didn't see me coming before I was already there.

« Saito ! » said Yukimura, visibly delighted by my presence.

Yukimura's eyes were sparkling with excitement as she was looking at all the chars. The sound of the gongs and flute was echoing even in our hearts and the multitude of colored lights reflected in her hair, tied in a bun. That's when I noticed it.

« What's this ? » I asked, my eyes pointing at her hair with curiosity.

She blushed a bit and touched the colorful flowery hairpin which was accessorizing her hairstyle with a bit of embarassement.

« It's a present from Harada... He said that I can be beautiful too during the festival even if I'm dressed like a boy... It's a bit strange with my hakama though... Do you think I should take it off ? Does it look weird ? »

« No. it suits you. » I simply replied.

« Ora, a compliment from Saito ! I told you it was beautiful, you look like a real princess ! » said Harada, reassuring her.

The sparkles came back in her eyes and she looked at the stands, smelling the scents of dango with envy. Harada came next to her and gave her some money that she refused.

« I'm not buying you anything more, I'm just asking if you could fetch some dango for the three of us. » he laughed with a wink.

She nodded and went to the stand while Harada came back next to me.

« What's with the hairpin ? » I asked, curious.

« Look around you. Every girl here puts on her prettiest yukata, her most beautiful hairpins, her most expensive juwels to go to Gion matsuri. And now look at her in her boy's clothes. How do you think she felt when she saw that ? »

I looked around me and understood what Harada was talking about. It shouldn't be easy for a girl like Yukimura to pretend to be a man everyday for several months and it must be especially hard on a day like this one, when every girl tries to be the prettiest. Yukimura was at an age where appearances did matter, especially to girls since they started to catch the eyes of men and tried to find a suitable husband.

« I see. » I nodded as Yukimura was coming back to us, three dango in her hand.

We sat on a bench, Yukimura between us, and looked at the chars, enjoying the sweet dango, the music, the joyfulness around. We really needed this. A moment of grace before a storm I could sense coming in every fiber of my being.

Even with our victory at Ikedaya, I knew the Choshu were still out there, conspiring against the Bakufu and that made me worry. I looked at all the lanterns burning in the night and remembered they were planning to burn the whole city down at first. Things were coming, times were changing, I could feel it in my bones. But for now, we could just wait and appreciate the company of each other and the lively festival. The dango finished, Harada grabbed Yukimura's hand and she grabbed mine. At first surprised, my hand twitched before I closed it on hers and we stayed there, the three of us, like siblings, forgetting for a moment the storm coming our way.


	11. Reserves

August 1864

After a few days of peace, Kondou asked all of us to gather in the common room for a special assignment.

« I brought some tea... » Yukimura said, distributing some cups to all of us. After the Ikedaya incident, she was given more liberty. She still wasn't allowed to exit the compound without one of us to accompany her but she could walk everywhere freely inside. Instead of taking advantage of her new privileges, she did even more chores. Seriously, there was something with this girl and chores I couldn't understand...

« It's not hot enough... » complained Souji, siping on it as Yukimura gave me my cup. « You probably took too long to pour it. »

He was right... The tea was lukewarm at best, even colder.

« Sorry ! I can go and make another one if you'd like ! » she flushed, embarrassed.

« Don't worry Chizuru-chan ! » said Toudou, taking big sips with a lot of enthusiasm. « I love it lukewarm ! It's perfect ! »

_Love is blind... _I thought to myself but Toudou turned to me unexpectedly. « Don't you agree, Saito ?! »

_No I don't. Tea is supposed to be hot otherwise you miss a lot of its flavors._

« Sure... With a hot day like this, lukewarm is perfect. »

_Damn it, Hajime... Why can't you just speak your mind in front of her ? _

But in the end, it didn't really matter. Tea was tea and the smile she gave me was so warm that I felt my chest burning from within. It was an innocent lie, just to make her happy, nothing of importance. Everyone was served and Kondou-san started talking.

« The Shinsengumi recieved an official request from Lord Matsudaira Katamori of the Aizu domain. We are going immediately so everyone gather you troups ! Our hard work has finally been noticed ! »

_The Aizu ! _I felt more pride than any day in my life. We were finally recognized like a corp and not a bunch of ronins. This would have never happened under Serizawa's command. Thanks to Kondou-san and Hijitaka-san and their code of conduct, we were better organized, had more discipline and it finally paid. My volition to serve them all my life grew even stronger.

« Just get moving now ! » yelled Hijitaka-san in his commanding voice and I obeyed immediately, gathering my unit, counting my men and waiting for the other divisions in the entrance of the compound while the other captains were still discussing who was supposed to go or not.

After a short while, everyone was there except from Sannan, Souji and Toudou who were still injured. And next to Harada, Yukimura was walking.

« Why is she here ? » I asked Harada. « this is no place for her. »

« She told me during a round that she wanted to come. And I can't refuse anything to the princess of the compound. » he shrugged.

_You're gonna get her killed. _

_« _No. » I heard Sannan say, coming our way. « It's dangerous, she's not a fighter and we are not here for her entertainment ! She's staying here. I wont allow her to be a burden for the Shinsengumi. »

« So you mean to say that if she's not a burden, she's free to come ? »

My voice surprised even myself and I saw Yukimura blink.

« Saito, you can't be serious... » said Sannan, holding his forehead, annoyed.

« She actually was an asset at Ikedaya. I only intended to point out that, judged by her actions, she has hardly proven to be a burden. »

Sannan blinked and an angry look got on his face.

« Fine. But she'll be under YOUR responsibility, Saito. Yours and only yours. And you'll see what it's like to fight alongside a burden ! »

Sannan got away, furious, and Yukimura, who still seemed not to realize what just happened, turned to me and bowed deeply.

« Thanks for taking me. I will not decieve you. » she said, polite.

« Good. » I simply replied and we all started walking to the Magistrate office in Fushimi to report to Matsudaira Katamori-sama, the lieutenant-general of the Aizu clan and Kyoto Military Commissioner. I worked for the Aizu a bit before entering the Rōshigumi after my year at Kondou-san's Shieikan and so, I felt a bit like coming home even if I had never met the daimyo in person.

At the gates, we were stopped. I couldn't hear clearly since the third division was walking a bit behind the first and second. I chose to walk alongside my men instead of walking with Kondou-san and Hijitaka-san at the head of the procession but I saw the confusion on Kondou-san's face and anger on Hijitaka-san's.

_What's going on ? _

I quickly understood that there were only two possibilities : either a rivalry between the military commissioner and the judiciary commissioner was responsible for not exchanging informations about us or the Choshu had their hands on the lines on communication. I wasn't sure which one was better. The clans loyal to the Bakufu shouldn't have so much rivalry between them and I hoped they could behave professionally but I knew the Aizu (military) and the Kuwana (judiciary) weren't very found of each other and that their petty rivalry was unfortunately something that we had to cope with.

I moved to the head of the procession and heard Takeda trying to convince Kondou-san to stay there. We had to stay because this was where we were stationed. I couldn't bring myself to agree with him and so, I spoke up.

« Kondou-san, we should find the Aizu troops ourselves. There's nothing to do here. » I said in my toneless voice, not showing my disappointment.

« How dare you question my advices ! » Takeda told me, gritting his teeth. « There's no point of ignoring a military command on the battlefield. »

« This is no battlefield, Kondou-san. » I continued, ignoring Takeda. « We need to act in the interest of the Shinsengumi. The battlefield is where the Aizu troups are. »

« I'm the war counselor ! » yelled Takeda.

« Enough. » said Kondou-san, shutting his mouth. « Saito has a point. We're joining the Aizu troops. »

The procession started walking again and I stayed at the head of it this time, only to feel Takeda's eyes throwing daggers in my back. I didn't like that man but he was a good strategist and the Shinsengumi needed him so I didn't make a fuss. Yukimura took her place in the procession at my side and walked quietly until we arrived at Kujo beach, where the Aizu were stationed, but the situation at the magistrate office repeated itself. They were telling us once again that we weren't supposed to be here. Nagakura started loosing his temper and I was grateful that Kondou-san had enough diplomacy to calm everyone down. After hours of trouble, we finally were allowed to stay and we set camp with the Aizu retainers. This camp was for reserves and most of the Shinsengumi was pissed about it. How could the Shinsengumi be taken seriously if we were reserves ? But all we could do was wait for orders. We stayed vigilant through the night, gathered around a campfire, ready to go. Yukimura tried to stay awake too but she eventually surrendered to sleep.

At dawn, we heard the cannon. The fighting had begun.


	12. Hamaguri

Gunshots were cracking in the distance and I quickly gathered my unit and fetched Yukimura who had been woken up by the sound of the cannon. She had to stay close to me no matter what. I was responsible for her. The Aizu reserves tried to stop us but Hijikata-san froze them in place with his attitude. The one of a true leader.

« We're here to stop the Choshu from attacking the Imperial Estate. Tell me, what is the Choshu doing right now ?! » he yelled with a lot of autority. « Now, forget about orders. We are moving. Anybody who wants to come is free to join. » and we all followed.

« Where are we going ? » asked Yukimura.

« To the enemy which, in that case, means Hamaguri gate. » I replied without slowing my pace. « The battle will probably be intense. Prepare yourself. »

She nodded with determination and followed me.

Hijikata-san's speach also convinced the Aizu reserves who started walking behind us. We arrived before long, Shinsengumi leading the way. It smelled like blood and powder. Gunshot holes were visible on the gates and bodies of the dead and the injured were already numerous on the ground but the enemy was nowhere to be seen. Chances were that the battle was already over. I went to fetch informations and left Yukimura with Kondou-san. I learned that the combined action of the Aizu and Satsuma domaines forced the Choshu to retreat and I went to report these news to Hijikata-san immediately. Like me, he didn't understand. Satsuma and Aizu were supposed to be enemies. If allied with someone, it would be more logical that the Satsuma allied with Choshu... Then were both clans of the west, from Kyushu, and with similar political beliefs. But then again, the Choshu, which claimed to be imperialists, attacked the imperial estate so I guess logic shouldn't be looked for today.

Anyway, I was assigned into guarding the Hamaguri gate alongside Yamazaki. Harada was sent to Kuge gate were Choshu troups were still fighting and Hijikata-san and Nagakura headed to Mount Ten'nou to track down the Choshu fleeing the battefield towards Osaka. Kondou-san and Inoue went to speak with the Military commissioner about the possibility of a punitive expedition and so we all split up to take our positions.

« Stay close. » I ordered Yukimura.

I was glad I had this assignment. It would be the least dangerous one for Yukimura.

« We need to speak to the Aizu on behalf of the Shinsengumi. » I said after a while.

« Why ? » asked Yukimura.

« We disobeyed a direct order from the Aizu clan. » I explained « We marched to battle even though we were supposed to stay in reserves. It could cause trouble to the Shinsengumi if we don't go and talk to them now. »

« I will take care of this. » said Yamazaki. « The recent events must have sent confusion in their ranks. I don't think they would impede us. »

« Alright. I leave this in your hands, Yamazaki. » I nodded in agreement.

Yukimura and I stayed at the gate until we heard some sounds of a conflict nearby. We went to see what it was and found some Aizu and Satsuma troups arguing.

« What are they arguing about ? » asked Yukimura.

_They're disputing the bone, like dogs._

« I assume its about who shoud take credit for the battle. How pity. » I replied with contempt although my tone was monotonous.

Samourai did fall low if it was the case. But I knew that the spirit of true samourai had been gone for a while now. Politics were gangrenous.

The Satsuma spotted us and didn't loose that occasion to spit on the Aizu for recruiting a bunch of useless scum ronins like the Shinsengumi. I could see the face of our warriors stiffen, hands on their katana and I glared at them to avoid any bloodshed.

_Will the Shinsengumi get the recognition it deserves one day ? Will I be there to see it ?_

« Ignore them. Just do your job. » I ordered calmly.

I looked at each of them and saw their hands drop from their swords. On the contrary, the Aizu weren't that disciplined.

« Satsuma dog ! How dare you mock the Aizu ?! » barked an Aizu samurai.

Swords were taken out of their scabbard in both sides and blood was likely to start spilling if I didn't do something.

Surprisingly, a guy from the Satsuma stepped up. He didn't have any sword but his confidence was palpable. I dashed foward and stopped before an Aizu soldier about to charge.

« Stop. He's too strong for you. » I said calmly.

The mysterious Satsuma started speaking with a deep voice full of assurance and respect, plunging his analytical turquoise eyes into mines, gauging my abilities as a warrior.

« I would like to apologize for the trouble we caused at Ikedaya. I believe I had a duel with a man named Toudou. If his injury isn't healed yet, please tell him I'm sorry for not restraining myself any better »

I ignored his apology but I couldn't help but wonder what that man was doing at Ikedaya and how he could have defeated Toudou. Though his words were apologetic ones, someone like me could understand quite easily the threat underneath them. « _I beat Toudou easily, I could beat you in a heatbeat. »_

So fast that normal eyes couldn't see it, I unsheathed my katana and took it hairsbreadth from the man's forehead. He didn't budge and I stayed there, my eyes as cold as ice. _« No you couldn't. »_

« The Shinsengumi has unfinished business with you. Toudou will have his revenge. » I said in my toneless voice but with threatening eyes.

« Maybe. But not today. » he answered calmly as if his life wasn't threatened at all by my blade on his forehead.

« Our goals today are the same but we will not take any more insults. If you can't discipline your men, the Aizu and the Shinsengumi will have to take action. » I continued coldly and he nodded.

« It is true our conduct was intolerable. » he bowed deeply « Please accept my apologies on behalf of the Satsuma clan. »

I returned his nod and took my sword away. The Honor of the Aizu was safe thanks to the man's apology and without any blodshed. Yet, I was feeling very uncomfortable. The display of my iai technique didn't impress him the slightest. I wondered if he would be capable to kill me. The Satsuma had a very powerful ally.

« My name is Amagiri Kyuju. I pray we will be able to work together next time we meet. » he said.

And on these words, he went away, leaving me with my doubts. Now I understood how much of a powerful man he was and how he was able to defeat Toudou. He didn't even need to have a sword to inspire respect.

« You never intended to fight him, did you Saito ? » asked Yukimura.

I turned to her to see her face filled with concern, taking me back to reality.

« I couldn't even disuade him with my iai... He saw right through my ruse. If he wasn't a man of reason, we could all be dead... » I muttered, turning away from her. Feeling hopeless was something I never experienced before. I was skilled, on the same level as Nagakura or Souji in terms of swordsmanship. I was the man charged with most assassination missions and the least injured ever in conflicts, undefeated on the battlefield. But this guy... What I felt when I had him at the tip of my blade, it was almost... fear ? I couldn't have Yukimura notice how incompetent I felt right now and so I returned to Hamaguri gate and left her there, keeping an eye on her from afar and isolating myself to think about the troublesome encounter.


	13. Swords

I was walking in the compound when I saw the captains, all lined up, sitting on the balcony and commenting on something. There was the inseparable trio, Harada, Nagakura and Toudou but also Souji, eating sweets from a paper bag. I approched them, curious, and sat next to them.

« What's happening ? » I asked Souji.

« Can't you see ? Chizuzu-chan is learning Tennen Rishin-ryû with Kondou-san ! » he replied mockingly, pointing his finger at the courtyard.

My gaze followed and I saw her, in her fighting stance, holding a bokken firmly. Her face was pure determination as she was wielding it up and down under Kondou-san's command. I smiled at the sight of the commander barking orders at her « more firm ! More strength ! » like he was his sensei or something. Souji handed me a sweet that I politely refused and looked at me with amusement before he shoved it in his mouth.

« Chizuru-chan's cute, isn't she ? » he said casually but with his trademark smirk.

« Why is she training with Kondou-san ? » I asked, ignoring his question « It's not like she really needs to protect herself. »

« I don't know. They've been at it all morning already. Her technique isn't so bad but I highly doubt she has the physical strength to progress in Tennen Rishin-ryû... » he shrugged.

I nodded in agreement and Toudou replied « Hokushin Ittô-ryû style would suit her much better ! It's more into quick movements than brutal strength... I could teach her ! »

« Or Iai... » said Souji, playfully.

I didn't answer, focused on the scenery in front of me. She wasn't rapid enough to be a master in iai but she could improve with the right sensei and be able to desarm a simple ronin. As I was keeping silent, Souji gave me a shoulder tap and explicited his thinking.

« Could you teach her iai, Hajime-kun ? » he asked with a wide wry smile.

« Too difficult. » I shook my head to deny.

« For her or for you ? » he asked, raising an eyebrow.

« Both. » I affirmed « She doesn't have the mental. Toudou would be a better sensei. »

I thought Toudou was going to jump of joy when I praised his skills.

« Yosh ! » he yelled, clenching his hand into fist « I'm gonna be Chizuru-chan's personal teacher ! You'll see, with my teaching, she will kick your asses in no time ! »

« She'd better beat the sensei fast then ! » laughed Nagakura. « Last time I checked, Heisuke, you couldn't beat anyone's ass here ! Now that I'm thinking of it, I'm also a disciple of Hokushin Ittô-ryû and I'm far better than you are. Maybe I should teach her ! » he added, contracting his muscles in a really show-off manner.

« Oy Shin ! Don't ever think about putting your dirty hands on Chizuru-chan ! » yelled Toudou in response, his face red.

I decided to ignore them and reported my attention on the training just in time to see Yukimura collapse with exhaustion, panting. Kondou-san hurried to her and seemed to apologize, helping her to stand on her feet.

« Why did Kondou-san agree to train her in the first place ? » I heard Souji mutter to himself.

« Maybe she reminds him of a young boy he used to train. » I said with a smile, amused.

Souji immediately reacted to the teasing with a laugh while looking at Kondou-san and Yukimura heading our way.

« Maybe you're right. » he chuckled.

« Souji ! » said Kondou-san « give some of the sweets I gave you to Yukimura-kun. She did well today. Tennen Rishin-ryû isn't the easiest style to learn, especially for a girl... »

Souji handed the paper bag to Yukimura and Kondou-san and they both took a sweet and shoved it in their mouth.

« Saito-kun. » continued Kondou-san, chewing loudly on his sweet in a very unpleasant way for my ears. « You're taking the next round ? »

« Ha. » I replied, looking at my unit getting ready next to the enter of the compound, their blue haori already on. Tairô waved mine in the air and I nodded to him. He was a good kid. I stood up to join them but the voice of Yukimura stopped me.

« Saito ! » she asked « Sorry for bothering you but... may I join you for your round ? »

« You look exhausted. You should rest. » I opposed.

« I'm perfectly capable of walking. » she objected firmly.

I looked at her and saw that the determination I noticed in her eyes earlier hadn't left. I turned my back on her and said in my usual toneless voice « Do as you wish. »

I heard her footsteps behind me and I felt my heart pounding in my chest.

_So she chose to come... Even if she is tired with all the sword training... Her dedication to her father is admirable... _

I thanked Tairô and put on my blue haori, taking the head of my unit as we exited the compound.

We walked quietly for quite some time, Yukimura walking by my side on my right and careful not to get too close to not touch my swords. That was very considerate of her and I was glad she thought about it considering how rare it was for someone to carry their swords on their right side. Our walk was so peaceful. The streets were calm, no altercations, a pleasant afternoon ... and the scent of spices so characteristic of Yukimura next to me, stronger than usual because of the sweat of her training and the hot weather... The feeling I felt at Ikedaya was making its way through my heart, settling there without my consent. I wasn't ready to feel it, I had a duty much greater than any feelings. Especially this one.

« Aren't you hot, Saito ? You're wearing black and with your haori on, you must be uncomfortable... » she asked me, breaking the silence.

It was true that the sun was burning but it wasn't my main concern.

« It's bearable. » I simply said.

She nodded and kept quiet again. Somehow, I regretted it. I didn't know why but I wanted her to continue speaking.

« I hope the autumn weather will be there soon. » I continued in an attempt to make conversation.

« Really ? Why ? » she asked, happy that I was actually speaking to her.

« Kyoto's summers are too hot and humid. I have to be overly careful with my swords otherwise they will become rusty. » I explained as I noticed a sword shop on my right side. I stopped a few seconds, looking at the good facture blades displayed in front of me. I wanted a new sword but it wasn't easy to find a good one and even more difficult to find one you could wield with a left hand without any disconfort. It was a matter of balance.

Lost in my thoughts, I saw Yukimura's face looking at me in my peripheral vision and I turned to her feeling the tip of my ears turning red. I arranged my hair in a way to hide them.

« Pardon me, Yukimura. We can keep walking. » I apologized.

She smiled and kept walking with me, asking me questions about swords that I happily answered. In the end, she began to laugh and I briefly lost my composure, blushing at the thought that she was mocking me.

« What is it ? » I asked, trying to keep my voice as toneless as I could but conscient that my cheeks were already red.

« You really like swords ! » I heard her laugh and it made my heart ache. I did like swords and seeing her laughing at me like this... It was painful, more than expected.

« Sorry for bothering you. » I just said between my teeth, wounded in my pride.

« You're not bothering me ! » she corrected, suddenly realizing how her laugh had been interpreted. « I think I understand what you mean. » she said in a lovingly voice as she unsheathed her kodachi to show it to me. « My sword has a lot of value for me too. »

I smiled. Maybe she could understand... My heart became lighter when it realized she wasn't mocking me and I felt like I could just take off, carried away by its lightness.

_Just... Calm down please... Hajime, gods, what is happening to you ? _

« I see. » I just said, trying to keep neutral.

We resumed to walk in silence again until I dared to ask the question that was burning my lips.

« Yukimura, why did you ask Kondou-san to train you ? »

She blushed and seemed to look inside herself to find the answer.

« I... I want to help to protect the compound. I want to help everyone and not be a burden anymore like at Ikedaya... »

_I see... Well this is gonna take more than one lesson with Kondou-san... _

I couldn't help but let a small laugh escape my lips and she blushed even more, face totally red with embarrassment.

« Sorry... You must think I'm stupid... I'm just a girl with a small kodachi and I'm relying on you all the time ... » she stuttered.

« It's not stupid. » I said, fixing her with all the intensity of my gaze. « But I think Tennen Rishin-ryû isn't the best for you. It reposes too much on brute force and it doesn't suits you. Maybe you should try something else. »

Her face lit up with hope and I could already devine the question that was coming next. I felt trapped.

_No. No I won't. Just don't ask this from me, please. _

« Saito... Would you be okay to show me some iai moves ? Do you think I can learn ? » she asked shyly.

« Ha. » I nodded.

_Why did I agree ?! I said no ! I don't have the time to train someone and especially someone who doesn't know the basics of iai. Go and ask Toudou ! He's craving to help you ! »_

« Thank you Saito ! » she said loudly with excitement vibrating in her voice. Her chestnut eyes were lit and sparkling with so much emotions that it was hard to ignore my owns, turning in my chest like a hurricane of both pain and pleasure. My condition didn't seem to get better and I wondered if I could keep it secret forever. I didn't reply and we kept walking together with my unit until we arrived at the compound.


	14. Training

The captains were once more aligned on the wooden floor outside, along with my unit, but this time, they weren't looking at Kondou-san but at myself.

_The great Saito Hajime, captain of the third division of the Shinsengumi, teaching some swords techniques to Hijitaka-san's page... Something he never did for anyone, even from his own unit. That's quite the show. _

Yukimura didn't ask me to train her only to be polite. She had been harassing me for days until I found a moment to exchange some moves with her. I didn't expect to have all these people looking at us, though. Toudou was missing, in recruiting mission in Edo and I was glad for that. I liked Toudou very much, like a little brother, and I wouldn't like to see the look of betrayal on his face while seeing me doing something he wanted to share with Yukimura. It was pretty obvious now that he was in love with her and I didn't want to step in between the both of them. They had an amazing complicity.

I didn't mind being the center of the attention. My inner discipline was preventing me from getting distracted but that wasn't the case for Yukimura. Although she really wanted to improve, I could see she was uncomfortable with all the eyes on her, watching her every moves, judging her technique and her progression.

« Ignore them. » I told her but it was easier to say than to do.

For the moment, she didn't even have a sword in her hand. She was learning how to move her feet and how to balance her body. Iai required a lot of self-discipline and no movements could be fuzzy. We left our swords near us, on the ground, but we weren't using them. I knew that the captains would probably get bored after a while if there was no sword action. Then, maybe Yukimura would be able to concentrate better.

Once again, I corrected Yukimura's posture before she took a quick step forward. It was better than the beginning but I saw her impatience growing.

« What's the matter ? » I asked before adding « heel on the ground. »

« So... Sorry Saito ! » she blushed, putting her heel back down « It's just that I don't see the point of repeating these movements. »

« These movements will be the ones which will eventually save your life. » I explained, correcting her posture again. « anybody can stab someone with a sword. These movements and the way you execute them will destine you to live or die against an opponent who actually learned how to fight. »

« Yeah... I understand... But for the moment, I can't see how doing this will help me to defend myself... »

« Grab your kodachi. » I sighed and I heard sounds of excitement coming from the side where the captains and my unit were still observing. I also grabbed my katana and wakizashi and put them on my left side like any other samurai. It was pretty uncomfortable since I was so used to have them at my right side but if I wanted Yukimura to mirror my moves, it was better if I was showing her like a right-handed.

« Leave it in your scabbard. » I said when I saw her unsheathe her kodachi and she obeyed immediately. « Good. I'm going to attack you like this » I explained, making an ark in front of her with my katana in my right hand. « I want you to unsheathe and block it. The kodachi is perfect for iai because it requires less strength to unsheathe it quickly. »

She nodded and put her hand on the pommel, waiting for my blow. I came with more strength than she expected and she couldn't block me. The blow made her loose her balance and she fell on the ground, my sword above her head.

« You're dead. » I stated « Do you know why ? »

« Because you have more strength than I do. » she replied without an hesitation.

« Incorrect. You're dead because you focused on your sword and not on the rest of your body. You didn't position yourself right and you didn't do the movements I learned you. »

I sighed, terribly disappointed. That was a waste of time. She wasn't even capable of repeating only a few basic stances.

« Iai isn't for you if you cannot respect my guidance. » I said harshly but in a calm voice, trying not to have my disappointment noticed. « I will not train you any longer. If you want a teacher, you will have to ask Toudou when he comes back from Edo. »

She stayed on the ground, eyes wet with tears of humiliation and I resisted the urge to take her in my arms. She had to toughen up. I turned my back on her and saw in the corner of my eye Nagakura and Souji exchanging some money, and some guys of my unit giving some to Souji as well. I wondered what the bet was but I couldn't help to be annoyed by their behavior. Souji came following me, throwing and catching a heavy and sounding pouch in the air.

« Ara, I made quite a lot of money today. Do you wanna go and celebrate ? » he asked with a smirk.

« What was the bet ? » I said in my toneless voice, as if it didn't really matter to me.

« That you'd do your best to make her quit and get your tranquility back » he laughed. « Most of the guys in your unit bet that if you were conciliant enough to teach Hijikata's page then you'd never give up. Guess they were wrong... And I lost a bit of money to Shinpachi, he bet she'd be ass on the ground before the end. I didn't think you could actually do this to poor Chizuru-chan. »

« I guess all of you were very entertained. » I stated.

« Well, we were, I must admit. Chizuru-chan surely is something... But I think her teacher was a bit mean... And easy to surrender... »

I turned to him with daggers in my eyes.

« I didn't renounce. She just can't listen to anything I say. I don't like wasting my time with someone that can't respect me enough to keep focused on my guidance. Maybe that's why I never trained anyone before. »

« Yare, Yare... Anyway, with what you said to her and the humiliation, she'll probably hate you now. So, problem solved ! She won't be bothering you anymore. »

_She's not bothering me. She's never been. Everytime I see her smile, my heart smiles with her. I don't want her to hate me, I want her to... I want... _

« Ha. » I agreed. « It's better this way. »

Souji stopped walking and looked at me with surprise before getting a teasing smirk back on his face.

« Okay then, I'll let you think about it. » he said before going away, leaving me with my pride and my doubts.

_Why did I accept to train her in the first place ? Why didn't I refuse ? _

I got back in my room, took off my swords on my left side, and stayed there. I needed some time alone, to meditate, to find myself again, to get rid of the feelings that were altering my warrior's heart, bit by bit. In the silence of my room, I felt better and shameful at the same time. What I did to Yukimura was bad, I knew it.

_I should apologize to her..._

And say what? No, it was too late. How could I possibly go and talk to her again?

As the sun came down, I heard some noises coming from outside. Curious, I went to see what was happening but what I saw there left me speechless.

Yukimura was repeating all the fighting stances I had been learning her, her kodachi in her scabbard on her hip. From her panting and the sweat on her face, I could decipher she had been practicing for quite some time. She was so focused, out there alone, that she didn't hear me approching. Her face wasn't flustered at all, reflecting only will and determination. The moonlight was reflecting on her pale skin and inside her eyes which seemed lit from the inside, like a burning flame of volition.

Slowly, I came next to her and grabbed her waist from behind, accompanying her movements.

« That's better. Your position is nearly perfect. » I praised.

She escaped a tiny squeak before realizing it was only me.

« Sai... Saito ! » she whispered-yelled.

« Just relax, now take your step, good. Repeat. » I ordered.

She did as I commanded and I took pride in her improvements. Her movements were more firm but also more fluid.

« Now, on the next movement, we'll unsheathe your kodachi. » I continued, putting my right hand with hers on the pommel of her sword. Like our bodies were one, we moved together and the sword blow cut the air, precise, unfaltering.

My face was inches from hers and I saw her face become red under the sweat. She was still a bit panting even if she calmed down a little since I was here. I could feel her breath on my cheek and I was pretty sure she was feeling mine in her neck. Her scent of spices was even stronger due to the sweating. It was intoxicating.

I suddenly realized how close our bodies were and how the pommel of my sword was pointing on her back and I detached myself quickly.

« That was my katana. » I explained poorly but she didn't reply and I felt the tip of my ears heat under the shame. « My apologies for my behavior, Yukimura. I shouldn't have come so close to you. »

« No... it's fine, Saito. You helped me a lot. Thank you for everything you do for me. » she smiled genuinely.

I stayed silent and I was glad the only source of light was coming from the moon so she wouldn't see my face, red with embarrassment. Looking at her, being just the two of us, under the night sky... I desired to take her in my arms again. When I did it seconds before, it was to teach her and I didn't even realize our proximity. I wanted to feel my grip on her waist, the touch of her hand... and be able to remember it ! I was so absorbed by her swordsmanship that I made abstraction of all the rest... And I regretted it. Badly. Something new awoke in me, the craving of her touch, of her skin... I had to flee before loosing all control over myself.

« Good night, Yukimura. » I said, bowing down.

« Good night, Saito. » she answered, nearly as a whisper.


	15. Deserters

October 1864

Toudou still hadn't come back from Edo but he sent some new recuits that we dispatched in our units. It was needed to grow our ranks. The battle of Ikedaya made us loose only three soldiers but some of the injured didn't recover and were now unable to fight. Some were offered the Choice and they joined the fury corp but most of them couldn't bear the idea of becoming a Rasetsu. Our ranks were lower than ever with all the injured, the sick and the...

« Deserters. » Hijikata-san explained to me. « I want you to go and track them, Saito. They violated the code and so they were ordered to seppuku or drink the Ochimizu but they decided to break the code again by deserting. We should show no mercy to this kind of men. »

« Alright. » I said.

Desertion was a shameful act that I couldn't even understand. It was my duty to regain the honor of the Shinsengumi by delivering its justice. I wasn't new to this kind of mission, assassination was one of my specialities.

« Good. I knew I could count on you. They fled last night and one of them is injured at his right leg. The two others are in good shape. They mustn't be far and three ronins are easier to spot than one alone. You'll depart now. Dismiss. »

« Ha, Fukuchô. »

I bowed and exited Hijikata-san's office just as Yukimura was entering, bringing him some tea.

« Hijikata-san, Sannan-san still doesn't want to eat... » she informed him with concern.

I continued walking. My assignment was the only thing that mattered. But I couldn't help but think about Sannan. He had been getting better the last months. Well, not physically obviously, but his mental seemed to be back. He had been outside more often, taking part in the meetings, eating with all of us... But everything changed with the new high rank recruit sent bu Toudou : Ito Kashitarô.

I didn't know what to think of him. He was said to be a talented swordman. Actually, he was Toudou's sempai in the style of Hokushin Ittô-ryû. But since he's been here, I never saw him wield his sword, even to train. The man was more interested in his appearance, using some oil on his hair, some balms on his skin... Just like a woman. And his perfume... It was so strong, flowery but stinking nevertheless. It could make my nose ache just at the scent of it. Worst of all, he was an imperialist. I didn't question Hijikata-san and Kondou-san's decision of recruiting him but it didn't mean I approved. We were defending the Bakufu. What good could an imperialist bring in our ranks ?

I went to tell my unit I was going on solitary mission and gave Tetsuya the command while I was away. He was my second and even if he wasn't the more skilled swordsman, he was the best at evaluating risks and taking strategical decisions. I had no doubt he could lead in my absence. That done, I exited without a second thought and began my hunt.

I asked around if anybody has seen three ronins but people weren't very cooperatives. Even if we executed our previous leader Serizawa and changed our name to Shinsengumi, we would always be the Mibu Wolves for a major portion of Kyoto's inhabitants and Serizawa's abuses were still very fresh in people's minds. Murders, racketeering, torture... And even the most honorables of us were stained with this image.

I didn't really know the men who fled the compound. They weren't from my unit. Although, I was pretty sure that my men wouldn't dare to break the Code. Not with me as a captain. They knew me, they knew my talent and sense of duty and most of all, they knew I would personally be the one coming after them.

Maybe I should have asked around the compound before, trying to get some background informations. Where were they from ? Did they have family ? Somewhere to return to ? Looking for them like this was like looking for a needle in a haystack. I had been careless and although it wasn't in my habits, I knew exactly why. While Toudou was gone, Yukimura was spending a lot of her time with other captains and a selfish, obscured part of me wanted to use that time to get closer to her and get her away from Toudou's amourous feelings. Everyone at the compound could see how he was looking at her and his love for her was totally obvious. For the moment, I hadn't seen Yukimura answer his feelings but it could be only a matter of time. My heart was torn with two conflicting wishes and I wasn't as focused as I should have been lately. On the one hand, I'd like her to choose me over Toudou but on the second hand, maybe if she chose him, my heart would admit its defeat and stay still, allowing me to be myself again and not pollute my mind with thoughts that didn't belong there.

Thank to a lead, I took the direction of south east along the river Kamo and followed it for quite some time until I exited Kyoto. I had to be extra cautious, I was now out of my jurisdiction. However, I didn't have to walk long. Arriving at a bridge, I found the men I was looking for on the other side. I engaged myself on the wooden floor and I suddenly got surrounded. Instinctively, I put my hand on my katana and took a defensive stance.

« Saito Hajime, third captain of the Shinsengumi. What an honor. » said the man who seemed to be in command. « Thanks for bringing him here » he continued, turning to the three deserters. « You'll have the Choshu protection. »

The three men bowed and I felt my blood boiling.

_You rats... Men without honor can't be called men... _

Yet, I stayed silent, all my senses alert. Calmly, I looked around me.

_Ten men... Plus my three targets... Thirteen... I can do it. _

« Aren't you gonna say anything ? I heard you're not much of a talker but every man can change when death is upon him. » he commented snidely, sure to have me cornered.

I don't know what he was expecting of me but it it was begging, he would be disappointed.

_Lets finish this already._

« Alright then. Kill him. » he ordered.

The men came at me all at once and I unsheathed my sword in a swift movement. I took support on my left feet so my blade could rise in a wide arc, cutting through flesh. I saw in the corner of my eyes an opponent coming from behind me and I blocked his blow before killing the man next to him in the same movement. There were already four deads in seconds.

_Nine left._

Some of them backed off with terror but it was too late. Years of practice and true mastery teached me how to kill smoothly and that's exactly what I did, my sword mercilessly swinging around me. In no time, ten bodies were at my feet and I started running after my three deserters who were trying to reach a forest nearby. I caught up with them easily and they stopped, realizing that resistance was futile. They looked at each other and one of them step up.

« Saito-san... Would you let us die as samurai ? » he asked.

« You sold yourself to the Choshu. You don't deserve to die honorably » I answered as death sentence.

They fell on their knees but they didn't cry. They were ready.

« For breaking the Code and desert, I, Saito Hajime, captain of the third division of the Shinsengumi, sentence you to die. » I said calmly as I walked behind them to slice their neck.

They didn't move and accepted their fate with a lot of dignity. I took their heads, one by one, and put them in a cloth to take them back to the compound as proof that I accomplished my mission. I left their bodies there for anyone to find. They weren't my problem anymore and probably some Choshu guys would come and look for them eventually and then, they would realize their mistake. Underestimating the Shinsengumi and Saito Hajime was a very bad idea.


	16. Autumn

November 1864

The autumn came and with it, my peace of mind. Kyoto summers were a lot too humid for me and my swords but I had to get used to it since the Shinsengumi was here to stay. Outside my room, I was examining my blades for any traces of rust but they were immaculate. I smiled, pleased to see that my efforts to keep them in good shape were actually working, even with Kyoto's weather. I noticed that the oil was starting to get old on my katana and looked at the sky. The autumn leaves were dancing in the wind but there was no sign of bad weather incoming and so, I decided to stay outside to take care of my katana. I disassembled the pommel from the blade and rubbed powder on it to remove the old oil and gently polish the metal. I used a tampon with a lot of care. My blade was like a woman, delicate, fragile, needy for attentions but also supporting me in times of doubts. She was my soulmate, the only one never decieving me, accepting that my duty was above everything else. And she was never asking questions. Unlike...

« I came to bring you some tea but you seem busy, would you rather have me come back later ? »

« Yukimura. » I saluted her and I saw interest glowing in her eyes. « I can't take the tea right now. »

« What are you doing ? » she asked, curious.

« Oiling my blade. » I answered with my toneless voice.

« Can I watch ? I've never seen a warrior do it. » she asked again with enthousiasm.

« Alright. » I said and she sat next to me, studying my every moves.

I kept brushing the powder against the metal until the result was satisfactory and I took it of with a rice paper that I chafte against the blade on both sides. Then I used another rice paper, this one drenched in oil made with clove to oil my sword carefully, almost like carressing it.

« This will protect my katana from oxydation. » I said, absorbed by my task. « Have you never done this before ? »

« Never. » she shook her head.

« Then who took care of your kodachi ? » I asked, perplexed.

« My dad, I suppose... or blacksmiths... I don't really know.. » she replied, embarrassed.

I was a bit bothered by that. Even if she didn't use her kodachi, a non used blade still must be taken care of twice a year. Since she had been with us for almost a year, it meant that she missed at least one oiling. On an ancient blade like hers, it could be catastrophic.

« Do you want me to take a look ? » I said as I was finished with my katana.

« Please, Saito. I'd be honored ! » she said joyfully while handing me her kodachi.

I nodded and took away the pommel just like I did with my katana moments ago. The metal inside the pommel was all rusty and I saw her eyes widen with shame and fear.

« Oh no ! » she gasped, putting both her hands on her mouth.

« Don't worry. That isn't negligence. The inside of the pommel is something we do not oil or polish. It is normal for ancient blades to be rusty there, it gives it a lot a value because it proves that it's an antiquity. »

She sighed, relieved, and I inspected the blade for traces of rust. There were some but they were brown, not red, therefore they weren't dangerous for the integrity of the sword. I powdered it, scratched it with the rice paper and oiled it before putting the pommel back and giving it back to Yukimura.

« You must do this every six months if you do not use your Kodachi. If you use it and put some blood or anything else on it, you'll have to do this as well as soon as possible. You can come to me or any other captains if you need the materials. And if you don't remember how to do, find me and I'll show you again » I explained while unsheathing my wakizashi to look if I needed to take care of it too but it wasn't necessary. I didn't use my wakizashi in battle and so it didn't need as much care as my katana. The wakizashi was the guardian of the honor of the samurai. If one day, I had to commit seppuku, I'll do it with it. Until then, I could count on one hand the moments I used it.

« Thank you very much, Saito. I will follow your advices ! » she smiled while looking at the shimmering blade in her hand. « Thanks to you, I know more about swords. Your knowledge is incredible ! »

« I don't know what you want, but flattering me will not work. » I warned her, on the defensive, but she just laughed and I felt a smile paint across my face in response.

« Should I bring you tea now ? » she asked, considerate.

« Yes please. » I agreed.

And she went running towards the kitchen. My gaze followed her, amused, and when she disappeared, I went to store my equipement in my room. When I stepped outside again, she was already waiting for me with two cups of tea. I accepted one and sat next to her in seiza.

« The weather is so pleasant now ! » she said, excited. « Do you like autumn, Saito ? »

« I do. » I replied, sipping my tea.

« Me too. It's a lot more comfortable than summer... It's my first autumn in Kyoto... It makes me happy to witness all the colored leaves but at the same time, I feel a bit sad... »

« Why ? » I asked, concerned.

« It's been months now without any news from my father... And with all that's happening with the Choshu, I can't help but think that maybe, something happened to him... »

She could be right. We had no lead on Kodo's whereabouts, as if he disappeared. No one seemed to have any information on him since months and it was pretty likely that we would never see him again. Yet, Yukimura was still joining the rounds everyday, asking around with a dedication that I found admirable. And therefore, I couldn't let her be so depressed.

« I know it's difficult, but we'll find a lead someday. Be patient. » I reassured her.

She had a strange sad smile and I wondered if I found the right words. I was pretty bad at conforting people. If she wanted confort, she should have gone to Harada. But as I was looking at her sad face, I saw that her father wasn't the only thing bothering her.

« What's the matter ? » I asked again.

« There's a lot going on, don't you think ? » she sighed « My father but also the Choshu, the compound... Sannan-san is getting grimier and grimier since Heisuke went away. He's often in a very bad mood and I can't help but worry about him. »

She was right. Anybody could see that Sannan was getting sinister and we all knew that Toudou's new recruit, Ito, was the cause of this attitude, even Yukimura. Ito was a man who was craving power. I don't know if he was aspiring to Sannan's position as colonel in addition of being a strategy advisor but it sure looked like he was trying to drive Sannan insane. And his little brother, Miki, was the same kind of man. In my opinion, they had nothing to do with the Shinsengumi. And their influence on Takeda...

« What do you think of Ito, Saito ? » asked Yukimura as if she was reading my mind. « He's an imperialist... I don't understand why he would choose to join the Shinsengumi... I don't really trust him ! » she added with a flustered face. « He's mean to Sannan-san ! »

I nearly chuckled at seeing her so pissed off by Ito but the truth was that she was right.

« When a group gets bigger, you can't avoid divergence of opinions amongst its members. But if the dissensions get bigger, the group can rot from within. »

I didn't mean to sound so sinister but I just hoped it wasn't an omen. As she stayed silent, I opened my mouth again.

« Do not worry, Yukimura. Nothing troublesome will happen to the Shinsengumi. Not on my watch. »

_I will keep a close eye on Ito Kashitaro. And Miki Saburo. And Takeda Kanryuusai. And if I see one sign of betrayal, only one, I'll kill them all. _

« I trust you, Saito. » she said with a wide smile and I smiled too. She was bringing the best of me at the surface all the time. After a while, I excused myself to go to Kondou-san's office for an assignment and she got back to her work. I found Souji exiting the office with a sad look on his face and I hoped that his gunshot had totally healed and that he didn't hid how severe his injury was.

« What's the matter ? » I asked him.

« No more rounds for me for a while » he shrugged « now that I'm not injured anymore, I caught a cold and Kondou-san asked me to rest... He did it himself, I'm sure he knew I wouldn't do it if Toshi was the one asking me but still, I'm pissed. »

« It wont do you any good to be out if you're ill. Especially with the weather getting colder. » I stated.

« Yeah, I know. I figured you'd say that... I'm gonna rest for a few days and then, I'll be back on my feet. »

I nodded and entered Kondou-san's office without any second thoughts. At that time, I hadn't realized how unwell Souji really was.


	17. Sannan

December 1864

I was nighttime when I heard it, raising every hair on my body.

« OKITAAAAAA ! »

_Yukimura ! _It was her voice, loud and clear but tainted with intense fear and I rushed towards the sound, my heart pounding in my chest.

_Please, gods ! Let her be alright ! _

I ran inside the Yagi house to find Yukimura crying next to Souji, his blade out of its scabbard. At their feet, a body with white hair was lying, probably dead. _Rasetsu..._ another one had surrendered to the bloodlust... It was about time we let this experiment behind us... As I moved closer to them, joined by the other captains, I noticed the outfit and the glasses.

« Sannan... » I sighed and I saw all the captains gasp in disbelief. The silence settled in the room, only broken by Yukimura's weeping and Souji reassured her.

« Don't worry, my blow wasn't enough to kill him. Let me accompany you to your room, don't move close to him. » he said in a gentle voice so different of his usual teasing one.

Yukimura nodded and followed him, wiping the tears off her face and we all stayed there, wondering if we could have done something to prevent this from happening. Hijikata-san was the first to open his mouth.

« Harada, Nagakura. » he ordered « You carry Sannan back to his room. Gen, I want you to stay with him all night. If he wakes up, you send someone to me immediately. Saito, you go in the courtyard and intercept any curious soul who tries to come near Yagi house. I don't want anyone but us to know what happened tonight. »

« Hai, Fukuchô. » I replied, bowing. « What about Yukimura ? »

« We'll decide tomorrow. » he frowned.

I nodded and everyone obeyed their orders. I knew exactly what the vice commander meant about « anyone ». It wasn't the right time to give these kind of sensitive informations to Ito and his followers. We didn't know where their loyalty was standing yet.

Alone in the courtyard, I was soon joined by Yukimura. She didn't speak. I didn't know what she wanted. Confort ? Company ?

« Go inside. Nights are getting colder. » I ordered her.

« I'm not cold. » she simply said and she stayed close to me without saying a word, under the moonlight. I wasn't even annoyed, I was glad she was there even if she wasn't talking. What she had endured tonight must have been traumatic. Once again, I was amazed by her strength, her will...

_Sometimes, I feel like you're even stronger than I am, Yukimura Chizuru. Maybe you're the strongest person in this compound. _

I wanted to cry. It hadn't happen to me in years. In an attempt to prevent the tears from flowing, I turned my head back to look at the sky.

« For us, living by the sword, our hands define life itself... To loose them... » I muttered more for myself than for her « I could never have borne it... » I sighed.

She stayed silent and I felt my tongue untied itself as I continued. I needed to talk, tonight more than ever.

« I should have seen. I didn't notice how bad it was for him... I thought I knew him but it seems like the Sannan we knew was only a fragment of who he really was. » I continued.

« What's gonna happen to Sannan-san ? » she asked in a whisper.

I stayed silent, wishing I knew the answer to that question, wishing I could tell her that Sannan would be alright... But the truth was that I had no idea. The only thing I knew was that Sannan's act couldn't reflect on the Shinsengumi.

« We can't let people know that the colonel of the Shinsengumi had gone mad. Sannan will probably die. » I stated.

« What ?! » gasped Yukimura, a hand on her mouth « you can't be serious, Saito ! If you were to be given orders to assist with Sannan's beheading... »

« I'd do it and make sure he can be sent to his next life without suffering. If I am called to do it, then I will kill who I must. It's as simple as that. My feelings don't matter when it comes to obey a direct order. » I answered, coldly.

I saw tears fill her eyes and I suddenly remembered our first encounter. That day, she was crying too and I was killing Shinsengumi members. Would our corp one day be free from killing each other ?

« I... prefer... not to kill my comrades, if possible, you know. » I continued « it is painful, even for me. But I've done it before and I will do it again if necessary. »

« I understand... » she said and I had the feeling it actually was the truth.

« Oy ! What's happening here ? The common room is so noisy we can barely sleep. » I heard.

I turned to find Miki, Ito's little brother, and I saw Yukimura start to panic. With a gaze, I asked her silently to stay still and let me do the talking.

« I can't tell you right now. » I just said, hoping he would walk away, but that didn't seem to be his intention.

« I'm a captain. I'm sure a captain shouldn't be kept in the blur. » he said, crossing his arms.

« to be honest, I still haven't fully grasped what is going on, either. » I lied « if I were to tell you something that turned out to be incorrect, it would cause an unnecessary confusion. We all should wait until the morning and Kondou-san and Hijikata-san's explanations. »

« I see. » he said and walked away.

« Do you think it's okay ? » asked Yukimura « he believed you ? »

« I don't think so. But he's not the kind of man who would provoke an unnecessary commotion. Now all we can do is wait for Sannan to wake up. » I replied.

We stayed silent again until Yukimura asked a question that seemed to be on her mind for as long as she's been here.

« Saito... Okita told me that my father was the one responsible for the Ochimizu. »

« Ha. » I confirmed.

_You can't ever shut your mouth, can you, Souji ? As if the event haven't been traumatic enough for her, you had to put this on her shoulders as well ?_

« I hoped he lied... » she whispered.

« It's not my place to talk to you about it. Nor was it Souji's. You should ask Hijikata-san in the morning. » I said coldly to stop the conversation and she nodded. I thought maybe she would go back to her room but she stayed with me through the night, under the stars filled sky.

In the morning, we all met in the common room and Gen informed us that Sannan was still sleeping but out of danger. The powers of the Ochimizu had healed the injury caused by the blade of Souji but also his left arm. Yet, we didn't know if his sanity was still there and the worry was still in all our hearts.

« Good morning everyone ! » said a joyfull voice entering the common room.

_Ito... _I gritted my teeth and all the captains took a defensive attitude. We all looked at each other wondering what we should say to him.

« What happened last night ? What's with all the grim faces ? » he said, malicious as a fox.

« It's... you know... » Kondou-san tried to explain.

« Sano ! Make something up ! » whispered Nagakura, pushing his elbow into Harada's ribs.

« Well you see, yesterday... » started Harada but Souji put his hand on his shoulder.

« you're a miserable liar. » he stated « Shut up. Leave the explanation to the expert. »

I stood up when Souji turned to me and bowed towards Ito.

« As you noticed, an incident occured yesterday at the compound. However, it is too early to jump on conclusions. Therefore we can't give you a proper report until we have a complete understanding of the situation. »

« I see... I understand... » said Ito without erasing his stupid foxy smile from his face.

« If you'd like, I will make you personally a full report this afternoon. » I added, bowing again.

« And I look forward to it. Then, I shall be going. »

As soon as he left the room, Sannan entered from a different door. I instantly put my hand on my sword but didn't take a fighting stance to not shame Sannan. I put my hand away as soon as I saw that he seemed to be his usual self.

« Good morning everyone. Please don't look at me as if I were some kind of monster. » he said in his soft kind voice.

Relief was palpable in the room when Sannan adressed us with his usual peculiar humor but the sad smile that had been painting his face for the last months hadn't quit him.

« I'm sorry I have worried all of you... » he said and I thought he was going to faint but he just put his hand on a wood pannel to help him stand. « It's difficult for me to be active in the daylight... Some kind of after effect of my new condition. I'm not a human being anymore... »

We stayed silent and Kondou-san was the first to open his mouth, adressing Sannan with a lot of kindness in his voice. « We're happy to see you well, Sannan. We should have been more supportive of you, for that, the shame is on us. »

« That's good. » said Hijikata-san in a annoyed voice « but what are we gonna tell Ito ?! We can't just tell him about the Rasetsu ! »

« Just tell him I'm dead. » replied Sannan and I could see he had thought a lot about it, studying every possibility that were offered to him and chose his path accordingly. « If you'll allow me, I would like to take the head of the Fury Corp, the Rasetsu. I still have my sanity for the moment and I want to be able to help the Shinsengumi again, as I always did. »

We debated about it and I personally took Sannan's side. He, like myself, was living by the sword. You can't take away a warrior's soul and spirit. In the end, everyone agreed that it was best for all of us.

From this day, Sannan was legally dead, due to an enemy ninja raid on our compound. We all agreed to move the headquarters and Ito was very pleased with it. Sannan went into hiding with the rest of the Rasetsu and only got out at night.

The Ochimizu had taken its first captain.


	18. Zôni

**During the Edo era, Japan was under the chinese calendar and New Year's eve was in spring. Japan adopted the Gregorian calendar in 1873 in the Meiji Era. Hakuouki takes place before that but I noticed that when Nagakura was speaking about it, in Hakuouki's timeline, they celebrate it in January. I decided to keep the Hakuouki timeline even if it's not historically accurate. Enjoy this chapter ! **

After the Sannan incident, the ambiance of the compound was a bit strange. Exception made of the captains, everyone was thinking we had suffered an ninja raid and that Sannan was a casualty. The faces were sinister and the morale was dropping quite fast. Most of the men were only moving in groups, hand on their katana, in case of any attack. I was pleased to see them so alert but they weren't for the good reasons. Our recent victories at Ikedaya and Hamaguri gate had given our men a lot of confidence and pride but now, these feelings were starting to fade away, replaced by fear and anger. These feelings weren't good for an army, they were the enemies of discipline.

As we were all reunited in the common room, Ito suggested that we should do a big meal with everyone for tonight's New Year's Eve.

Nagakura was very excited about this and I felt like I heard him say « mochi » more times that day that I heard the word in my entire life. Harada was also very happy, alongside with Yukimura and Inoue. The only frowning face was Hijikata-san's.

« We don't have enough money to spend it on something as trivial as a party. » he said in a harsh voice. « The enemy is preparing and we should be preparing too instead of wasting our time on futility. »

« You're too strict, Toshi. » replied Kondou-san with a commanding voice, despite his wide smile « We all need a break with all the glumness around and I think inviting all our men would be a wonderful idea. »

« What a pity that Sannan-san can't be with us... » signed Ito with his foxy smile and I felt my blood boil, responding immediately to this lack of respect. If I wasn't the master of my own body, my fist would already had landed on his face. A quick look around the room showed me that I wasn't the only one willing to do it. For all we knew, Ito had been the one harassing Sannan for weeks, pushing him always further. We all held him responsible for Sannan's actions and the animosity we had towards him was starting to be hard to bear. I just hoped I wouldn't be the one to explode first. But that wasn't likely. If I had to bet, Nagakura would be the most likely to erupt with his short temper.

« Yeah... » said Kondou-san « Sannan would have loved this idea too... »

He was pretty bad at lying and I was sure that Ito wasn't the kind of man who would let it go unnoticed. But before he could say something about Sannan again, Hijikata-san came to rescue Kondou-san.

« Alright then. But I don't have the time to take care of it. Ito, since it's your idea, you're in charge. Everybody dismiss. »

« Alright ! » said Ito with a giggle. « We need some to decorate, some to cook obviously... some to find accessories for the games... Maybe some cards we can exchange ? »

Ito seemed to be taking this very seriously but it didn't surprise me. He was a man who was putting culture and pleasure above duty and honor. It was only natural that he was so excited about a party.

I was at first assigned to the games team but I managed to exchange with Nagakura to be in the cooking team. Ito didn't seem to mind and honestly, it was better that way. I was a better cook and Nagakura... Well I had doubt that he would have eaten half the food while cooking, especially the mochi. I had Takeda and Miki with me but I didn't really care. I would just have to ignore them and do my part. Yukimura had been placed in the decorating team and she was already speaking with Ito about what he wanted.

I headed towards the kitchen and got to work. There was a lot to do if we wanted to make a good New Year's Eve feast for more than two hundred men. I looked at all the supplies and made a mental list of all that was needed. I wrote it down and gave it to Miki. « Can you get all these groceries ? »

« Who do you think I am ?! Your page ?! Your servant ?! » he said, snarling. « I know you captains have nothing but contempt for me and my brother but I AM a captain too ! »

« Then just ask some of your men to fetch them. » I said without reponding to his intimidation. He was only inched from me and looking down in a way that I despised.

_If only I had been a little bit taller... _I thought to myself but I knew that height wasn't something that important. The only thought of Miki trying to impress me with domination by physical height was a sign of his failure. It only showed that he couldn't dominate me in any other field. He looked down on me for several seconds but I didn't break the eye contact and he finally pushed the list against my chest.

« Go and ask YOUR men. » he said between his teeth and I heard Takeda chuckle.

I didn't want to fight. Not on new years eve and not against an idiot like Miki so I took the paper and went outside, calling at Tetsuya, my second.

« Take a few men and bring all these, please. » I ordered.

« Hai, Saito-Kumichô ! » he said, bowing, and I saw him regroup my unit.

« Heisuke ! »

The cry of joy that I head escape from Yukimura surprised me and I turned around to see her running towards Toudou who passed his hand in her hair.

« Hi, Chizuru-chan ! I'm back ! » he said with the biggest smile and I went to greet him alongside Harada and Nagakura.

« Welcome home, Heisuke ! » said Harada « we were starting to worry you won't be back in time for new year's eve ! »

« I wouldn't have missed it ! » he laughed. « Anything ready for tonight ? »

« Not yet. We just decided we'll throw a party so there's a lot to do but if you're tired, you can go rest before helping out. »

« No, I'm good ! I can get to work right away ! What should I do ? »

« Come to my team, Heisuke ! » said Yukimura with bright eyes vibrant with excitement « it's the decoration one ! »

« Yosh ! Alright ! This headquarters will be the most beautiful headquarters you've ever seen ! » he grinned widely, showing us his fist as a sign of his determination.

« Well, if you're gonna decorate it like you tidy your room, I think we're in big trouble ! » said Nagakura with a teasing attitude and it felt good to see the trio reunited after several months.

« Oy ! Shinpachi ! Mind your own business ! » yelled Toudou and everybody started laughing.

I wondered if, if I was going on a mission for months, Yukimura would run to me like that to greet me. I wondered how I would react but I was already picturing it in my mind.

« _Hajime ! Welcome back !_ »

I sighed. That was ridiculous.

_She doesn't even call me Hajime..._

I started to prepare everything I could before the missing ingredients arrived and then, the serious business could start to feed a bit more than two hundred men with traditional food. Miki and Takeda were helping on the small tasks but they weren't very useful and I had to be extra careful with my words otherwise they would complain and nothing would be done in time. I prepared a big hot soup for the kake soba. I would put them inside at the last minute otherwise they would be too smushed. Nagakura chose this moment to barge into the kitchen uninvited.

« Oy ! Saito ! Don't forget the mochi, man ! I can't wait to eat some zôni until I'm full ! »

« Ha. Don't worry, Nagakura. There will be plenty. » I nodded.

« Do you need some help, Saito ? » asked Yukimura, head in the doorway.

« No, I'm good. » I replied, starting to prepare the zôni. « All will be ready in time. »

« I trust you, Saito ! » said Nagakura « that's possibly the hardest mission you had this year ! Filling my belly ! »

I pushed them out of the kitchen before they could start to put their hands on everything and got back to work when the kitchen was peaceful again.


	19. Party

In no time, I was finished and Miki and Takeda were very proud to show Ito and Kondou-san how great of a team we were. Of course, the other captains weren't fooled by their attitude. The banquet was a frank success and I had to admit, it was worth the hard work. Everyone was laughing and enjoying themselves and it felt good to all be mixed up and not pay attention to ranking differences. Tonight there were no pages, no grunts, no captains or commanders. We were all united as comrades.

We were lucky enough to have some zôni I made. Nagakura wanted to keep it all to himself but he stuffed his mouth so much he almost choked on the mochi. I was intimately persuaded that Nagakura would die eating rather than fighting, one day. As alcohol was poured and food was eaten, the grim faces were disappearing, at least for a while.

Yukimura and her team did a great work at decorating. There were lanterns, paper garland... and encense with a very delicate smell that wasn't too strong but enough to be scent in a room full of men.

Speaking of which, I saw Yukimura from afar, in conversation with a soldier who was making fun of her.

« Hanetsuki ? But that's a girl game ! » he laughed.

« Oh... Yeah... Sorry... » she replied with embarrassment and I saw that she was very unconfortable. « please, excuse me. »

I stood up and went next to her.

« I remember you told me your little sister used to love this game » I told her.

« _Please play along_ » I was shouting with my eyes and she seemed to understand that I was trying to protect her cover.

« Saito ! Yes... I miss my sister a lot, that's why I wanted to play that girl's game... » she explained.

I took the two racket and the shuttlecock but before I could say anything, Toudou appeared.

« I'll play ! I'm not afraid about playing a girl's game ! » he grinned.

I gave the game to him promptly without a word and looked at them go away to have a bit more space. I didn't regret my gesture at all. Toudou has been away for a long time and he needed some fun, especially on a day like this one when you were supposed to gather with your family. I reported my attention on other games and wrote a few cards for the captains, commanders and Yukimura. I also wrote some for every man of my unit.

« Heisuke ! Letter for you ! » yelled Inoue and Toudou came back immediately, to open the same letter he gets every year.

« Who's it from ? » asked Yukimura behind his shoulder.

« My father. » he answered.

« That's nice of him ! » she smiled genuinely.

« No it's not... » he replied with a half smile. « I'm an illegitimate son and I never saw him. He just sends me money every year to make sure I stay out of the way... My father is a daimyo, Toudou Takayuki, lord of Tsu, but he would probably kill me if I try to meet him. He's been buying my silence and my absence for years. The only thing that I have inherited from him are my name and my sword. »

Yukimura stayed silent. A lot of us had this kind of backstories, she should have anticipated it. You don't become a ronin because you want to. You become one because you are rejected. Well, at least, most of the time. Some of us like Nagakura for example decided from his own volition to be one.

Hijikata-san and Kondou-san got a letter from their family too but they were more joyful about it. They didn't have any problems with their respective relatives. Kondou-san was very proud to show us that his daughter wrote a part and Yukimura was very surprised to learn that he had a daughter and a wife. He left them behind in Hino, near Edo, when he joined the Rōshigumi of Serizawa and now, with his duty as commander, he was seeing them even less often than before. Kondou-san was receiving letters every months and he was writing some with the same frequency but he didn't really talk about it. He turned to Souji and with a great smile he waved the letter at him. « There's a part from Mitsu too ! Do you want it ? »

« Na. I'm good. » replied Souji with a half smile.

« Who's Mitsu ? » asked Yukimura to me.

« Souji's older sister. » I replied.

She nodded and a cloud passed in her eyes.

« What is it ? » I asked her, wondering why joy had left her eyes.

« It's just that I miss my father... Don't worry Saito ! It'll pass ! » she continued speaking but this time like a whisper so no one could hear « I'd better bring some food to Sannan-san ! It's the late evening so he must be up at that hour. It's also New Years Eve for him and the rest of his ... corp. »

I nodded and I stood up to take her to the kitchen where there were plenty of leftovers. We gathered some and took the direction of the Yagi house.

« I can go alone. Thank you, Saito. » she said politely.

_No you can't._

« Don't worry about me. I want to see Sannan too. » I said.

I couldn't tell her that I was coming to check on her and assure her safety. Sannan was a Rasetsu now, who knew what he could do to her ? It was out of the question to let her be in the presence of Sannan without at least one bodyguard. But if I told her that, it would hurt her feelings. I knew she felt responsible for what happened to Sannan. She was there when he drank the Ochimizu and her father was the one developing the serum. It was a lot for Yukimura's little shoulders but as usual, I never heard her complain once. She was indeed a strong girl.

At Yagi house, Sannan greeted us with a smile and we all sat together on the tatami. Sannan's spirit seemed to be back again and he was very proud to show me how his left arm was moving again. He was joking about everything with his subtle dark humor and I felt I was stupid to have been afraid of what could happen to us. He was still the old Sannan. From afar, the joyfull sounds of the banquet were echoing in the night.

« Yukimura. We should head back. » I told her after a few minutes.

« So soon ? » she asked with regret.

« If our absence is noticed, we could bring some unwanted attention to Yagi house. » I stated.

« Alright, I understand. Happy new year Sannan-san ! » she said, bowing.

« Thank you for coming. Saito, if I'm not mistaken, it's your cooking. I really appreciate you brought some to me, it's delicious. » he smiled kindly.

« Ha. » I simply said and we got back to the banquet which last until morning.

As the sun rose, we all took the direction of the nearest temple to pay our respects to the gods and witness the first rising sun of the year, full of promises of happiness for the new year.

At the temple, we drank another sake, the toso, made with medecinal herbs, so we could be healthy this year and we took some predictions.

« Kichi ! I'm gonna be lucky this year! What about you, Saito ?! » said Yukimura, trying to read my paper.

« Hum... » I just replied, embarrassment painted on my face, and I rolled the paper to tie it to a pine branch.

On it, I read « kyo », bad luck and I just hoped I could defuse it by tying it to the pine. I was a bit superstitious and I didn't want bad omen to interfere with my life.

I did a small prayer at the shrine and we all headed back « home », to the compound, to get a bit of sleep and start the new year of 1865.


	20. Cough

February 1865

Due to what happened to Sannan, a lack of space and our outgrowing ranks, we had to move the headquarters. Ito came with the idea of Nishi-Honganji and I had to agree it was indeed a good idea. The dormitories would be less crowded. The captains all had their own room here but not the grunts and with the increasing number of them, they were starting to sleep looking like « smushed sushis » according to Harada. We needed more space and why not, reunite them in smaller dormitories.

Only one thing bothered me, the monks had hosted Choshu men in the past and that was precisely why Ito chose it or so he said. I didn't really know what his real goal was but Kondou-san and Hijikata-san agreed with him and so we took quarters in Nishi-Honganji. My room was a bit smaller than the one that I had before but I didn't mind. I only needed a futon and my swords, the rest was futile.

Another advantage of having all this space was that it was easier to hide Sannan and the rest of the Rasetsu corp to Ito and the others. But it was also easier for them to sneak and conspire without us noticing.

Yukimura seemed to enjoy very much the new compound and she was nearly killing herself in work, trying hard to please everyone. In a few months, she changed a lot and I couldn't believe that the men were still believing she was a man. An observant eye could see quite easily that her features became thinner, her breast grew and she even gained a few inches. She went from girl to woman and I couldn't take my eyes off her. I eventually acknowledged that I fell in love with her for quite some time now. I loved all of her : her determination, her devotion, her joyfulness and even her candor but now, with her body growing, it was even more difficult to act around her as if we were just comrades. I wanted to tell her how I was feeling, finally get a chance to taste her lips and why not her skin if she would allow me. I imagined the sweetness of it countless times in my mind but deep down I knew she wasn't mine to take. The life of a warrior's wife was a difficult one and I loved her too much to make her endure that. Plus, what could I offer her ? I had no samurai title anymore, no land, no house, no lord, no wealth appart from my monthly salary and sometimes some bounty money. Nothing that could allow me to court her. At least, that's what I was telling myself. In the end, maybe I was just scared. Souji told me that Toudou confessed to her a few months ago and she didn't answer his feelings. If it happened to me, I would probably have committed seppuku out of shame. Okay, maybe I'm exagerating a little bit... But I wouldn't have been able to look at her in the eyes. Yet Toudou... he just continued as if it didn't matter and they stayed the best of friends. I could admire that.

« What are you thinking of ? » said Souji next to me, walking with his blue haori on.

« Nothing. » I answered.

We were still patrolling all around Kyoto but now our situation was better. The townsfolks had learned to respect us and we weren't called Mibu wolves that often anymore. Our alliance with the Aizu domain had grown stronger since the Hamaguri gate incident and we were now taken seriously. Hijikata-san and Kondou-san were often at the military commissioner's building in Fushimi to discuss some operations. The Bakufu had ordered a punitive expedition against the Choshu and there were rumors than the Tosa domain was also acting in the shadows even if it was aligned with the shogunate. The Bakufu was starting to get ennemis eveywhere.

« It can't be nothing... Hajime-kun, is someone in here ? » yelled Souji, poking at my head.

« Stop it. » I said, annoyed, and I positioned myself out of reach.

« Are you gonna tell Yukimura how you feel at some point ? » he asked me, a smirk on his face.

_You never give up, do you ?_

« It's not any of your business. » I stated, annoyed.

« So you DO feel something for her ! » he said triumphant !

_Shit, Souji ! It's already complicated enough. I don't need you to make it even more complicated. _

« You know, maybe she rejected Toudou because there's someone else in her mind... » he blurted out of nowhere.

« Or maybe because she wants to be left alone, like a certain man right now. » I sighed.

« We'll never know if this certain man doesn't show her he's got balls ! Well, in a metaphorical way, obviously, please don't do that. »

I ignored him, knowing we were going nowhere with this conversation, but Souji wasn't ready to let it go.

« And what about that oiran from last spring ? What was her name again ? » he faked to think intensely.

« Yuki. » I answered without an hesitation, putting the smile back on his face.

« Yeah... Yuki... She was pretty, wasn't she ? Did you go to see her again since last time we went together ? » he asked.

« No. »

To be totally honest, I had totally forgotten about that courtisan. I had been totally drawn to her in a moment of weakness a few months ago because of her wide chestnut eyes which drove me crazy and bewitched me but with all the missions and event that happened in the summer, I didn't have neither the envy nor the time to go and see her again.

« That's a pity. You're too proud to ask Yukimura out, you ignore another woman who clearly had an interest in you... Hajime-kun, that's not healthy... Cough! Cough, cough, cough ! »

« Souji ! Are you all right ?! » I asked with concern as I was watching my best friend cough his lungs out, hand on a wooden wall to help him stay up. I put my hand on his shoulder in an attempt to help him but he threw my hand away, furious.

« Don't touch me ! » he yelled in anger.

I backed off, surprised with all the violence that filled his voice and stayed still next to him, waiting for the coughing to stop. It took longer than I expected but Souji eventually managed to calm himself.

« You lied to Kondou-san. » I simply said. It wasn't an accusation, just an ascertainment. « You're not well. »

« Kondou-san was too worried about me. » he replied with a half smile, wiping his mouth with his clenched fist. « It's just a cold, there's nothing to worry about and it doesn't prevent me from doing my job. Kondou-san wanted me to stay still until it was over but I stayed still a month already ! He just can't let me be a burden because of a small cold ! »

I understood what he meant so I nodded. Even ill, nothing could prevent me from doing my duty and in this aspect, Souji and I were very similar even if our reasons were different. We started marching again as if nothing happened but in my bones, I could feel that Souji's coughing wasn't natural. A cold wasn't supposed to last for weeks. He should see a doctor. Yukimura was the closest we had to a medical officer back at the compound but she wasn't an actual physician. She could patch us up, look after us and clean our wounds but against an actual illness, I doubted her knowledge would really be useful. I decided not to tell Souji about it because he'd be furious but back at the compound, I would ask Hijikata-san if we could organize a medical examination for the ills and especially Souji.

« So... What were we talking about... Ah yes ! Yukimura ! » he said, punching his fist in his opened hand.

_What were YOU talking about. I don't really think I was a part of that discussion._

« You know » he continued « I think Yukimura is interested in you. And that you must be blind not to see it. »

I wasn't expecting that and I felt my eyes widen and my ears become red.

« What... What makes you say that ?! » I stuttered, flushing in embarassement.

« I'm not gonna tell you my secrets ! » he told me with a wink.

« Did she talk to you ? » I asked, curious.

« No. She doesn't need to, Hajime-kun, it's pretty obvious ! » he chuckled.

_Ok so you have no proof and you're just messing with me. I have been a fool to react to your teasing. I hope you enjoyed it very much. _

« If you say so. » I said with the toneless voice that was like my defense mechanism but doubt grew bigger in my mind. Could it be that Yukimura had as much affection for me as I had for her ?


	21. Dream

« Saito... »

Her voice was filled with desire as she was slowly passing her fingers on her collarbone in a suggestive way. Her kimono was loosened, revealing her neckline but no more, leaving the rest to my imagination or if I dared, my exploration. Her lips, moist and ajar let out my name once again, as a whisper filled with lust. Her long dark brown hair were cascading around her face in a way that I found terribly erotic, crazy strands circling her face.

What was she doing in my room ? I didn't know and I didn't care. She was there, standing in the doorway, trembling with desire and I felt my reason leave me.

« Saito... » she whimpered again.

« Yukimura... » her name escaped from my lips and she moaned just at the hear of it, eyes closed, her hand carressing deeper inside her kimono, spreading its edges even more to reveal the valley between her breasts. I wanted to dig my face there and never take it off, I wanted to rip off the pieces of fabrics hiding her body from me, I wanted to claim her as my own and I couldn't take it any longer. I stood up and came closer to her. Her lips parted even more, wet, moist, welcoming, as she lifted her face towards mine, and I took them with force, almost with desperation.

Her tongue invaded my mouth and I replied with mine, avidly. She was sweet, like mochi, and it was hard to let her go to catch my breath. Her arms came around my neck, carressing my untied hair and the back of my head and mines responded immediately, wandering on her shoulders, ripping the fabric and exposing her breasts, unable to cope any longer with the torture that her teasing was. I lingered on them, pitching the nipples and feeling them tense as moans of my name were still coming out of her lips... The lips I couldn't detach myself from. Like someone drowning and gasping for air, her kisses seemed to be the only thing keeping me alive.

« Saito ! » she cried in pleasure as my tongue followed the curve of neck and landed on one of her nipples.

So sweet... So soft... And her moans... Maddening. I lifted my head to catch her lips one more. I couldn't get enough of her.

« Saito ! »

Her hands left the back of my head to get on my chest and she pushed me back, making our lips part way and I looked at her with surprise, wondering what i did wrong. She was the one coming uninvited in my room and starting to turn me on !

« SAITO ! »

I opened my eyes, fixed on the ceiling, without understanding what was happening. As a reflex, my right hand grabbed my sword next to me and I unsheathed it. The shoji was opened and the daylight burned my eyes. I passed my hand on them and tried to see the figure standing in the doorway.

It was Yukimura, eyes widened with worry. Her kimono was worn tightly, not ripped by my hands and her hair tied in her usual ponytail.

« Saito I'm sorry to barge in your room but I tried calling from the outside and you didn't reply... I heard you groan and I thought maybe you were injured or needed help so I came in... I'm sorry.. »

_You're so innocent... _

She was bowing frenetically, face red with embarrassment. I noticed I was naked, the blanket only covering me from toes to hips, and I sat in an attempt to mask my morning erection, pulsing hard because of the dream I just had.

_Saito... _

I remembered her voice filled with lust and the way she was teasing me, touching herself, and I tried my best to keep a neutral face.

« What is it ? » I just said casually, hiding my shame.

« I know you were in night round the past days and that you're supposed to rest but Hijikata-san said he wanted everyone to be there this afternoon for a meeting. I made some tea and I was about to bring them to the common room but Okita told me to wake you up first. »

_Of course he did..._

« Alright. I shall be on my way. » I said without moving.

I couldn't possibly stand in front of her naked with my morning wood... I kept my eyes on her, waiting for her to exit the room.

« Saito... » she said, embarassed « Were you hurt during a night round ? Do you want me to look at it ? »

_No, I'm not hurt, Yukimura. In fact, I was groaning because I was having a wet dream about you and I want to have you so bad it still hurts between my legs. You'd better go before I pin you to the wall and take everything I want from you. _

« I'm fine. It was probably a nightmare. » I said, embarrassed, while arranging my ponytail.

« O... Ok then, i'll leave you alone and we'll be waiting for you in the common room. » she smiled shyly.

I didn't reply and she left. Finally alone, I let out a long sigh of relief. Why, of all the persons who could wake me up, she had to come ? What if she noticed my inappropriate lust for her ? What if I talked in my sleep and told her everything I feel when her eyes meet mine ?

I tried to calm myself and specifically my body which was still craving her touch but I didn't have much time. It was tingling, as if I could still sense her skin against mine, featherlike. Shaking my head to wake up completely, I put on my kimono and went to the common room where everyone was already gathered.

We discussed the Choshu moves and their connections in politics. The scission between pro-bakufu and imperialists were getting even more critical. I tried to concentrate but my eyes were always coming back to Yukimura who was sitting in seiza, obedient, waiting for any orders Hijikata-san could give her. I felt the desire overwhelm me again but I hid it well, trying to focus on the reports. When everyone was finished talking, captains exited the rooms but I stayed to talk to Hijikata-san.

« Fukuchô. » I bowed.

« Yes, Saito ? » he answered with a small smile.

« May I have a permission for the late afternoon ? » I asked, turning my gaze on the ground.

Hijikata frowned and raised an eyebrow, not accustomed to the fact that I was requesting something, but he smiled to me and gave me permission.

« We all need to let out some steam sometimes. You can go Saito, and take anyone with you if you wish, just notify me. » he said.

« Thank you, Fukuchô, but i'll go alone. » I bowed in respect.

He nodded and I exited his office. Outside, Yukimura was talking with Kondou-san but I couldn't hear the subject of their discussion. I just saw her eyes lit when Kondou seemed to agree about something and I quickly passed them before she could ask me where I was going and if she could accompany me. I was already ashamed enough without adding her questions to it. I needed to get some fresh air and I nearly fled the compound. Walking at a quick pace to try to calm myself, I arrived to Shimabara and entered the Hanamado. My body was aching with desire and I asked for Yuki. In the late afternoon, there were not much customers, who usually come more at night and so, she was available. I ordered a private room and waited in it for the oiran to join me.

As soon as she entered the room, I stood up.

« Saito-haa... »

My mouth swallowed the « han » she was going to say as I pressed desperately my lips on hers. I knew that I wasn't supposed to act like this. Oiran weren't prostitutes, they were much more refined, like queens, but I couldn't stop myself. I needed her right now and she didn't seem to mind at all. Maybe the reason behind my boldness was because I knew she wouldn't refuse herself to me. I pulled on the ties holding her richly decorated kimono and with a swift hand, untied her obi.

As I stopped to breath, she smiled at me and a small laugh escaped her lips.

« Well, Saito-han... »

« Don't talk. » I ordered her as the heavy kimono fell on the ground revealing the pale skin, soft like silk, that I was craving.

I didn't want her to talk. I didn't want her to do anything that could make me get out of my fantasy. I wanted to believe it actually was Yukimura, as stupid and vain as it could be. My hand landed on one of her breast, cupping it as my mouth came nibbling on her other one. I bit her nipple and a gasp escaped her mouth in surprise, probably not accustomed to clients acting this way with her. My desire to possess her grew stronger as memories of my dream came flashing in my head and I pinned Yuki to the futon. I loosened my own kimono, without even taking it off but just so I could reach her. I didn't need anything else and I was growing impatient, which wasn't really in my habits. Usually, and even with women I paid, I would always try to make it as pleasant for them as it was for me but I seemed unable to do it this time. I had no love for this woman, she was just a tool to help me cope with my growing desire. I poised myself at her entrance and looked at her, panting, eyes closed...

« Open your eyes. » I told her in my toneless voice.

« But... it feels good... » she moaned.

_What a good actress. I could nearly believe it... _

« Do as I say. » I told her, tightening my grasp on her sides and nibbling on her breasts again.

She finally opened them and I felt the blood flow even rapidly in my crotch, pulsing with lust as I lost my eyes in hers, chestnut eyes, humid, sparkling. I wanted to imagine they were tears of desire.

I came inside her abruptly and she escaped a small cry. Panting, I moved faster without detaching myself from her eyes. She closed them again and I grabbed her arms with one hand, pinning them over her head.

« No. » I asked « Open them. Look at me. I don't want you to close them. » my voice was vibrant with autority and lust and she obeyed.

I felt myself being overwhelmed with pleasure and my whole body twitched while releasing all the passion that was consuming my mind.

« Yuki... Mura... » I groaned before collapsing on the oiran. I stayed there a moment, head nested in her generous cleavage, until I realized that my body was probably a bit too heavy for her and I rolled to the side, looking at the ceiling. She didn't hold me, she didn't kiss me or hold my hand. It wasn't her job and she had every right to push me away now after the disrespectful way I behaved with her. Yet, after several minutes, she started talking.

« Who's Yukimura ? » she asked, curious.

« Why do you care ? » I asked in return, still panting.

« Well, you said her name and you seemed quite desperate when I entered the room. Is it the woman you love ? » she asked, turning to me with her cheek in her palm.

« It's not any of your concern. » I said with a sigh as memories of my dream crossed my mind again. My name escaping the moist lips of Yukimura as her hand was exploring her collarbone _« Saito... » _

« Well, if you're with me and not with her, I suppose it is a bit of my concern. » she chuckled « I have the right to be curious ! » she marked a pause and her face got closer to mine, a teasing smile painted on it. « Does she look like me ? » she asked in an innocent way, her finger drawing on my chest.

I plunged my gaze in hers to see amusement and curiousity sparkle in her gaze. She was different from other oirans. They were supposed to be refined, cultivated, entertaining... but they weren't supposed to laugh or chuckle or show any bare emotions like she was doing now. I decided to be honest with her.

« You have the same eyes. » I confessed before looking back at the ceiling and she chuckled again. We stayed silent together until the time was over and the encense, totally consumed. Thanks to her, I knew that I could take it a little longer. Just a little longer... Yukimura wasn't mine to take...


	22. Shopping

March 1865

I woke up in the morning to practice my iai moves as usual. Alone in the courtyard, I was slicing the thin air with ease and with a total mastery. After a while though, I began to worry to see no one up and I went to investigate only to find all the boys still sleeping, hungover. Seriously, if they couldn't resist alcohol, they shouldn't drink that much. Once more, Harada and Nagakura who were supposed to be the ones on groceries shopping duty weren't up in time. The market was only in the morning if you wanted the fresher products and it was almost noon already. I sighed and took the grocery list. They would owe me one.

As I walked in the direction of the entry of the compound, I was greeted by Yukimura, sweeping the floor. This one didn't go out last night at least. I saluted her politely and she waved at me in return.

« Good morning, Saito ! Are you going on a round ? » she asked, all smily.

« I'm off to the market for groceries. » I explained « Harada and Nagakura are not feeling very well so I'm going in their place. »

An understanding smile on her face informed me that she wasn't a fool and that she totally knew what was the cause of their « illness ».

« Let me accompany you ! » she said, enthusiastic « If there is two of us, we will be more effective ! »

« Do as you wish. » I simply said but inside, I was glad she decided to tag along.

« Just give me a minute ! I'll change my clothes, these ones are dirty because I was sweeping the floor... »

« I'll wait. » I nodded.

She ran to her room and my gazed followed her. My mind wished that my body could follow her too... She came back shortly after and I couldn't help but notice that she was wearing the exact same outfit that the one she was wearing when we first encountered, more than a year ago, now. She had two or three other outfits but I hadn't seen her with this particular one since a long time.

« Sorry ! I did the faster I could but my other clothes are still wet from the laundry... This one is a bit too small for me now... » she apologized.

It was true that it was a bit short on her legs now and the kimono inside the hakama was a bit too tight. She was lucky that no men were here with us otherwise, they would notice that she wasn't a man, even with a hakama and a ponytail... I had to tell Hijikata-san that we needed to take her to the tailor. This wasn't acceptable and could ruin her cover.

« Let's go. » I said and off we went.

The market was still very lively with people screaming at every corner. I kept my mind focused on the list but that wasn't the case for Yukimura. She was excited like a kid, going from stand to stand to look at all the products and always coming back to me because she kept forgetting the content of the list...

« So ! What do we need now, Saito ?! » she asked for the... I don't even know how many times...

« Sweet potatoes. » I answered calmly.

« I think I saw some over there ! I'll go and check the price ! »

She was running everywhere and I didn't really know if I was finding it cute or annoying but she was efficient at negociating prices. In no time, we had all the vegetables, fishes, and the miso that was on the list and we still had money left. I was pretty impressed with the way she handled it. Since we had everything, I called to her so we could go back to the compound but something caught her eye and she stopped.

« Wait ! Saito ! » she called me. « There's a tofu merchant here ! »

« Tofu isn't on the grocery list... » I replied, perplexed.

« I know, but we have some money left and if we put the tofu in the miso soup instead of the vegetables, we can use them for another meal and gain some time ! »

I had to admit it was smart and I handed her the pouch of coins so she could buy the tofu. She disappeared from my sight immediately, talking with the merchant. I wasn't scared to have her out of my sight anymore. I knew when she was there and when she wasn't, like a sixth sense. Maybe that's what love do to people. She came back eventually, running toward me.

« Ok, i got it ! We can go ! » she smiled genuinely.

I nodded and took the direction of the Nishi-Honganji, our headquarters. While we were walking, I asked Yukimura, curious « Why did you want to get tofu ? »

« Because it's your favorite food, Saito. » she answered with the biggest smile.

My jaw almost dropped. It was true that tofu was my favorite food but... How could she know ?

« Why do you think that ? I don't think I ever mentioned it... » I muttered, perplexed.

« I noticed that everytime there is tofu on the menu, you smile more. Was it supposed to be a secret ? » she replied with concern.

_I smile more ? Me ? This can't be good... Is this girl the only one to read me like an open book or can everyone do it as well ? Always trying to mask my emotions... Well done, Hajime ! Not even capable of hiding your favorite food ..._

« Are you okay ? » she asked, her smile gone.

« Ha. I never realized it. I will be more careful in the future. » I nodded.

« Plase don't be ! » she said with a flustered face « I like to see you smile. »

« Smiling is giving informations about my emotions. » I tried to explain in my toneless voice but I knew my cheeks were tainting red as I was speaking. « Emotions are the enemies of the samurai. »

« I don't think emotions are a bad thing... » she objected.

« But then, you're not a samurai. » I said harsher than I thought.

When we arrived, it was past noon already but aside from Hijikata-san, Kondou-san and Inoue, all the captains were still sleeping. I didn't expected much from Toudou, Harada and Nagakura but i was surprised not to see Ito, Mikki or Takeda. It was good that they all went outside together last night. It could perhaps make things better with these three and create some bonds.

« You can go, Yukimura. Thanks for your help. » I released Yukimura from her duty.

« Where are you going ? Cooking ? »

« Ha. » I nodded.

« Let me help you. » she smiled.

« Do as you wish. »

We went to the kitchen together and started cutting the vegetables. She was skilled, more than before. All the chores this past year were probably a lot for only one girl but she never complained and now, her movements were the ones of an experimented cook.

« You do like cooking a lot, don't you Saito? » she asked, out of the blue.

I nodded without looking up, all to my task.

« Why do you enjoy it so much ? » she continued.

« Why do you ask ? »

« I don't know... Maybe because it's rare... A warrior who likes cooking » she said, embarassed.

« Cooking has a lot more in common with the warrior way than you might think. » I explained calmly.

« How so ? » she asked, curious.

« There is no place for mistakes. It requires discipline. You have to follow the recipe just like orders otherwise, it can be a disaster. There are timings that you cannot modify. I like this constancy. »

« But... Don't you think it's sometimes good to experiment while cooking ? »

« Souji often experiments. » I stated « Can you eat his cooking ? »

« Not really » she laughed.

We finished cooking together just in time for everyone to wake up. When I brought my chopsticks to my mouth, I found that it tasted even better than what I usually cook. I wouldn't mind cooking with her everyday for the rest of my life.


	23. Yuki

April 1865

« You've been here often, lately... »

It wasn't a question nor it was a reproach. It was a simple ascertainment. But the smile on her face had something very teasing.

« You look like a fox. » I said.

« Maybe I am one. » she replied without erasing her stupid smile.

« If you try to bewitch me, I'll have to kill you. »

« I don't need to bewitch you, Saito-han ! As I said, you're here quite often ! » she laughed.

I locked my gaze on the sake cup I had in my hand. It was true. Since the day I came barging in the pleasure house and asked for her, I spent a lot of evenings with Yuki. More than I would have considered reasonable. Truth was that I really enjoyed her company. We always met in a private room but most of the time, I didn't even undress her. She was clever, interesting and she had something more. Oirans were supposed to be sweet, fragile, docile, respectfull, well versed in arts like shamisen, dancing or poetry. She wasn't like that and to be fair, I didn't care the slightest. She had like a fire burning from within. She was playfull, strong, insolent... And I liked it. I wondered if she was like that with me alone or if it was her usual way with customers. Anyway, if she was like this with others, it wasn't paying well. She was far from being as expensive as a Tayuu, a master oiran, and therefore she didn't have the privilege of choosing her clients. She was the cheapest of the place and even if my purse was quite happy with it, I couldn't help but feel a bit sorry for her. Maybe that's why I let her be so insolent.

« Not more than others. » I eventually answered.

« It is true that the Shinsengumi has quite the reputation here in Shimabara... » she chuckled « But not you specifically, of course. There are captains more famous here... »

I didn't need to ask who. I had a perfect picture in mind. But one thing got me curious though.

« Did they ever come here ? » I asked.

« A year ago you came with a friend if I recall but no, I've never seen the others here. You're my only Mibu Wolf ! » she said with a wink.

_Nice match for a Shimabara fox._

« We're not Mibu wolves anymore. Now we have official recognition. » I objected, sipping my cup.

« I guess. But for most people, that kind of reputation is hard to forget. Anyway, how are things going on with Yukimura? »

I drank my sake and turn to her. She was teasing again. In a way, that woman was a bit like Souji. The difference was that Souji was like this in front of everyone but she was only teasing when we were alone. In front of other customers, she wouldn't dare.

« I already told you that she's not mine to take. » I stated.

« Why not ? Is she married ? » she asked, curious.

I didn't reply but I guessed she got the answer she was looking for anyway because she continued.

« Is she engaged ? Is she from your family ? Is she a prostitute ? Is her family dishonored ? Is she dead ? ... I give up... I don't have any more ideas... »

« Good. You ask too many questions. » I said, relieved that the interrogation was over.

« You're not very kind, Saito-han... You come to me because I look like her, according to your own sayings, but I don't get to have anything spicy in return... » she pouted.

« You get my money. » I stated.

« The pleasure house gets your money, that's a little different. » she chuckled in response.

I didn't reply and kept drinking the sake that she was pouring in my cup.

« I've been locked here since I was six. It's been fifteen years now... » she said with a melancholic voice, her gaze on the closed window were bars were installed. « The only things I know are the ones I've been taught or the things that customers tell me or other oirans. I know that I'm lucky to have this position. I will never be harmed, never feel hungry... I will always have the more beautiful kimonos and expensive juwels... My hands will never be marked by hard work, my skin never tanned by the sun... Still, I sometimes wish my life had been different... »

I stayed silent, not knowing what to do after a confession that melancholic. I always thought oirans were privileged and never would I have thought that they could feel that way about their condition. Of course, I knew they were bought as kids to poor families and were not allowed to go out but still, they looked so perfect all the time, it was hard to imagine they wouldn't be satisfied with it.

« Pardon me, Saito-han. » she said, reporting her big chestnut eyes on me with a sad smile « I guess I had been driven by my emotions. »

« It's fine. »

Her confession made me think about my own life. I had been a warrior for as long as I could remember. I couldn't live another way. But what if I had chosen a different path ?

_No. I couldn't be anything else. I chose to live by the sword and that is how it is. _

« Thanks for the sake and your company » I said while standing up.

« Are you going already ? »

I saw all the feelings mixed in her gaze. Sadness, surprise, guilt. She was probably thinking that her declaration had something to do with my departure. Little tears were ornamenting the corners of her eyes like little sparkling juwels and I brought my thumb to them to wipe it of her face.

« I will come again. » I simply said and she nodded gently.

I exited the pleasure house and walked down the street, thinking.

_Why am I always going back to her ? And why is she crying when I leave ? Why did she tell me all this ? I just hope she doesn't expect me to buy her and set her free... No... She knows about my feelings about Yukimura, she knows I would never buy her... But still... I should maybe stop..._

But I knew deep inside that I wouldn't stop. Not until I found the courage to tell Yukimura how I feel about her. When I thought about it, it was kind of ridiculous that I could drive into battle without a second thought but talking to her was so difficult. Anyway, it was hard to admit but until that day comes, I needed Yuki.

« Oy ! Saito ! »

The voice yelling at me was very recognizable. It was Toudou, waving at me.

« What are you doing in Shimabara ? » asked Nagakura when the caught up with me.

« I went to get a drink. » I answered in my toneless voice.

« Alone ?! » yelled Toudou. « Hey ! The night's still young, come with us ! »

« I'm assigned to a night round. I would better go back. Thanks for the invitation. » I refused politely.

« But then, if you're not partying, what are you do... »

« Heisuke ! » cut Harada « leave him be, would you ! » he turned to me and served me an understanding smile but I had never felt so ashamed in my whole life. « Have a nice evening, Saito. » he turned to the rest of them « let's get going. »

And off they went and I stayed there with my shame. I sighed and took the direction of the headquarters to get my unit and my blue haori for the night round.

_Shit. Now they're gonna think I went to see some kind of prostitute or something._

I trusted Harada to make sure there wouldn't be any gossips and well, an oiran was very different from a prostitute so my honor was saved but it didn't make any difference since I wasn't willing to tell anyone where I had been. If someone else were to realize that Yuki and Yukimura were so similar, no way that could end well.

This year was too calm and I had too much time on my hands. That was the real problem here. If I was drowning in work, I wouldn't have any time to think about Yukimura or go and see Yuki. I thought about my prediction at the temple again, the one from the New Year. _Kyo...bad luck... _I hoped the pine was enough to defuse it.


	24. Aoi-matsuri

May 1865

For months, nothing had happened with the Choshu. Even Yamazaki or Shimada's report weren't showing anything. Since their large defeat at Hamaguri gate, they were enemies of the court and they kept a low profile. I knew I must have been happy about it but I could sense in my bones that something was off. I thought the other captains could sense it too and that's why everyone was glumier and glumier. Souji was isolating himself, patrolling alone or solely with his unit, showing himself only at dinner time... and he wasn't the only one. Nagakura was always ready to burst in rage about anything, especially Ito, and even the joyfull, young Toudou seemed to have a heavy heart. I wondered if it has something to do with Yukimura's rejection or if there was something else, maybe worst. Even Kondou-san and Hijikata-san were worried. Unlike the men, they knew that the silence from Choshu was a bad omen and were trying their best to resist a storm without knowing it's true nature. Even the cherry blossoms floating everywhere couldn't seem to improve the mood.

The only one who was always the same was Yukimura. Day after day, she was working hard to make everyone happy and she was smiling all the time, unfaltering. I saw her with Harada that morning as they were exiting the compound together. Harada wasn't with his unit and I wondered why they were leaving alone. I was torn between minding my own business and satisfying my curiosity when I saw Inoue approach me.

« Saito-kun, Toshi asked for you. » he told me while noticing how my gaze was following Yukimura. « Harada-kun is taking Yukimura-kun to buy larger clothes. The ones she has are starting to get too small for her. »

« I see. » I said, turning immediately around to go and meet Hijikata-san.

It was true that even I had noticed that she grew up but I was feeling a bit of jealousy that Harada was the one accompanying her. I was pretty sure he would treat her well but again, Harada was known to be a womanizer... I suddenly recalled the hairpin he bought her last time at Gion festival.

_What if he covers her with gifts this time ? Maybe Yukimura would fall in the trap... Wait, stop. That's ridiculous. Harada wouldn't dare to do this to the « princess » of the compound... She's untouchable. Hijikata-san will probably kill the first man who tries to get his hands on her. But... Toudou tried... What if..._

Lost in my thoughts, I arrived in Hijikata-san's office before realizing it.

« Ah ! Saito ! Good to see you ! Are... you alright ? » he asked with concern.

« Hai, Fukuchô. » I said in my toneless voice while regaining my composure. « You wanted to see me. »

« Yes. This afternoon there will be three parades for the Aoi Festival. It starts near the entrance of the imperial palace as you know and I want to be sure there will be no problem. »

« My unit will ensure the safety of the streets during the festival. » I said, bowing.

« No. There will probably be a lot of imperialists there. I don't want our uniforms spotted. You will go as immediate response in case of problem. Yamazaki will be watching too and message us if anything happens.

« Alright. »

« Saito ! » Hijikata called me as I was bowing, ready to go. « It's Aoi Festival. You'll have to disguise, you know that ? »

« Ha. » I nodded.

« Harada will bring something to your room at noon. I sent him buy some Heian era clothes. »

Heian era... Well I guess it's gonna be alright, everyone will be wearing some Heian costumes anyway. It's the particularity of the festival, one of the oldest in Japan. It celebrated the end of a great famine and all was decorated with hollyhock flowers, « Aoi », that's why we call it the Aoi Festival. I went back to my room and waited for Harada to return with my costume. I hadn't to wait long.

« Saito, may I come in ? »

I heard Harada's voice on the other side of the wood panel and opened it. The package he was holding was voluminous.

« Here's your costume ! You'll look like an emperor with all the details and the long train ! »

« I dare to hope you're not serious. » I said, opening the package but I knew that Harada loved detailled things so there was a chance it could be the truth. « How am I supposed to fight with a train, Harada ? »

But I was soon relieved to see that the costume was simpler than I expected. Plain white and light blue.

« Chill out, it's just a costume. There's a lot of merchant selling some for the festival so that even commoners could dress Heian style. I took one of the cheepest so it's plain colors but the blue will highlight your eyes. » he said, jokingly.

« I see. » I said as I was taking off my kimono and he turned his heals immediately, leaving with another package. « Who's that for ? »

« Souji's coming too. It's a request from Kondou. »

I felt relieved. For a moment, I was worried that Yukimura would be coming to the festival but if I had to ensure both the surveillance and her security... She would have been a distraction. I started by putting on the white puffy pants and then the blue nôshi. I tried to put my swords in my belt in a practical way but I couldn't find any. It fitted but it wasn't as easy to unsheathe quickly. I went outside my room to have more space and tried to make some iai moves. They were slow. That outfit wasn't designed for combat and I thought about taking it off and putting on my lousy black kimono again but that would mean disobeying a direct order. I sighed. I'll have to manage with it. If I were lucky, perhaps I wouldn't need to fight at all.

« Hi, Saito ! »

I heard the one voice I didn't want to hear and turned to Yukimura, trying to be as inexpressive as possible. She had a new hakama, light salmon color which was suiting her well and was of perfect length. And here I was, dressed like a clown.

« Yukimura. » I saluted her.

« I heard you'll be assuring the security of the festival. I wanted to come but Hijikata-san said it'd be dangerous. I wish you good luck ! I'm doing laundry today, may I take your kimonos since you don't need them ? » she asked with a smile.

« Please, do. » I said without looking her in the eyes.

I just couldn't bring myself to do it, I was feeling so uncomfortable. Heian era was known for its cultural apogee, dance, poetry, music... Not for its warriors. In fact, there weren't real warriors or samurai back then and that's why their clothes were so unpractical. As a bushi, I was feeling like an impostor in this outfit.

« I have to go. » I told her before fleeing.

« Right. Take care, Saito ! And don't forget to tell me how the festival was ! I couldn't go last year... and this year too... » I saw sadness pass in her eyes before she smiled again « maybe next year will be better ! »

« Ha. »

I nodded and went in the courtyard where Souji was already there, waiting for me. He seemed to have problems moving too in his green pants and purple noshi.

« Ara, you look like shit. » he said with a smirk.

« You're worst. » I simply said and we looked in each other's eyes for a moment before smiling together. Souji let out a sonor laugh.

« I guess you're right ! What kind of samurai are we ? Toshi and Kondou-san really can make us do anything right ? » as I stayed silent, he added « hey, that blue highlights your eyes. »

« Let's go. » I just said to make him shut up.

We took the direction of the festival at the imperial palace. The festival was very lively and I was relieved to see that nearly everyone was playing along and wearing heian style outfits. The other ronins and samurai were exactly in the same situation that we were with the difficulty to carry our swords. Good. That meant that in case of combat, we wouldn't be at a disadvantage.

In the afternoon, there were three processions, each starting at the imperial palace and ending at the Kamigamo-jinja. Horses, beefs were conveying chars decorated with hollyhock flowers and the woman in saio-dai's, the twelve lawers silk kimono, char was ending the procession. It really was beautiful and joyful and no incident occurred at all. I had a thought for Yukimura who desired to come and felt a bit sorry for her. In the end, it wasn't dangerous. Our job done, Souji picked up a hollyhock flower on the ground and brought it to his face to look at it.

« Ok, we can go. » he said to me.

« What's with the flower ? » I asked.

He gave it to me and a teasing smile I knew all too well grew on his face.

« You'll offer it to Chizuru-chan. » he grinned.

« I will not. » I refused.

« Then I'll do it. » he said without removing his hand which was extended in my direction, offering me the flower « I might get lucky, who knows... »

Without a word, I took the hollyhock and put it in my belt near to my swords.

« Good choice » Souji commented but I didn't reply.

When we arrived at the compound, I went to my room immediately to find my kimonos clean and folded near my folded futon. I put one on immediately and the flower fell on the floor at my feet. I picked it up and gazed at it for a while before putting it back in my belt and going out. I stopped at Yukimura's room and took the flower out of my belt.

_« Yukimura. _» I wanted to say. But the words couldn't pass the barrier of my mouth. I stayed there a moment, alone, the hollyhock flower in hand, knowing that she was just on the other side of the shoji. I could hear a presence inside.

I sighed and turned my feet away, all the way to Shimabara where I met Yuki, in our usual room. I handed her the flower and she accepted it with joy.

« A little something from the outside world. » I simply said to her.

Her wide chestnut eyes were sparkling like a child and I could see in it how much my gesture had touched her. I wondered if Yukimura would have had the same reaction. It was the gaze I would like her to give me. I wondered if i'd be lucky to see it one day. But in the meantime, my weakness took me again and I lost myself in Yuki's arms. Closing my arms and lips on her, I let her undress me and lowered her on the futon to share a sweet moment of abandon.


	25. Saitani

End of May 1865

Summer was already at our door and I couldn't believe how fast it arrived. It was the return of the hot and humid weather... I would need to worry about the rust of my sword everyday... No, really, I despised the summers of Kyoto.

I heard Hijikata-san coming my way before I heard his voice. His steps were always quick but full of assurance and I could recognize them pretty easily.

« Saito, Shimada has intels about the Choshu. Apparently, they are in negociation with the Tosa Clan. They have an emissary here in Kyoto, a country samurai, I heard. We didn't get his name yet, he seems to use an alias and stays at Teradaya. Since you're already familiar with the place, I'd like you to go and find out what you can. If the Tosa joins the Choshu, war can be at our doors in no time. »

I simply nodded at Hijikata-san and he smiled in return, knowing I will do my duty. Without another word, I turned away. As I passed near Souji's door, I heard him cough behind the wood pannel. His cold was still there... At that point, even if I wasn't a doctor, I knew it wasn't a cold. I didn't go in. I had a mission. Plus, Souji would probably be furious about it. He was trying so hard to hide his condition... Without a second thought, I headed to Teradaya.

Familiar with the place was an euphemism even if recalled the place well. It was the inn in Fushimi where Yukimura and I went when we heard that Kodo was probably there. I couldn't even get in, it was full of imperialists already at that time. With the incidents of Ikedaya and Hamaguri gate, I was sure that the tensions in the inn would be even more vivid. Going in would be suicide. I scouted the roads near the building to have a global view on the whereabouts of the customers. The inn seemed rather calm and I posted myself near the tea shop to pretend to look at the different teas. That's when I noticed a young beggar boy.

« Kid, do you want to make some money ? » I asked him, showing him a coin.

« Yes, samurai-sama. » he said, bowing.

« Good. I want you to enter the inn and ask for the Tosa emissary. They probably won't let you see him but that isn't important. You exit the inn right away and go in that direction before running back here from a different path. Am I understood ? It could be dangerous. If I get the information I want, you'll get three of these. »

The kid nodded and his eyes sparked at the thought of the three coins I was promising him. He was probably eight or nine. I gave him the coin I had in hand and looked at him as he entered Teradaya. After a few minutes, he stepped out and his gaze searched for me.

_Don't, idiot. I'm going to be spotted, just do what you were told ! _

I made him a head sign in the direction I told him to take and he began walking. Just as he disappeared at the corner, and started running I hoped, a man exited the inn and looked around. I recognized him immediately. He was the man who had been overly flirtatious with Yukimura last time we were here. I turned over quickly so he couldn't see my face. He saw me last time and Yukimura called me by my name, he would probably recognize me too and understand I had been the one sending the boy. He went in the direction where the boy went and I waited for the return of the kid. I saw him coming back from another direction just as I instructed him and I threw him the three coins I promised before adressing him.

« Quit Fushimi for a few days. » I ordered.

He nodded and ran immediately. He was smart. Little beggars like him were often used by ronins to get informations, it probably wasn't his first time and he knew the risks if he found himself in front of Saitani again.

_Saitani... the Tosa emissary... Probably an alias though since the name didn't ring any bell when I first heard it. Just like Hijikata-san said. _

I waited a bit and bought some tea since I had been in the shop for quite some time. I didn't want someone to remember a suspicious man who stayed a long time there and didn't buy anything in case the Tosa came and investigated here. With my bag of tea in hand, I went back to the headquarters to find Toudou, Souji and Yukimura coming back from a round. I didn't put the subject of Souji's earlier coughing on the table and just greeted them but I could see that Souji and Yukimura were rather troubled. Toudou was cheerful though so maybe it wasn't linked to the round.

« Hajime-kun, would you mind if I talk to you for a minute ? » said Souji and I hesitated before answering him.

« I have to make my report to Hijikata-san »

« Right. » he said, visibly disappointed.

« I'll see you afterwards. »

« Okay then, I'll be in my room. » he smiled.

I nodded and gave the tea to Yukimura.

« Thank you, Saito ! » she said, all smily.

« It's not a present. If you want to make some tea for Hijikata-san, use this one. » I said in my toneless voice.

« I will. Thank you. »

« Why are you thanking me ? I told you it's not a present. » I asked.

I was confused even if I was trying not to show it but she just kept smiling at me and I smiled in return, warmth invading my chest. I bowed slightly and turned away to go to Hijikata-san's office. He wasn't there but I eventually found him in the common room. I made my report and saw him take his chin in his hand, thinking.

« Saitani... I don't know anyone with this name. Probably a fake one... » he muttered.

« I think you're right, Fukuchô. » I confirmed.

« And you tell me, he has been drawn to Yukimura last time... »

I felt the hair on the back of my neck raise as I understood what the vice-commander had in mind.

« Fukuchô, Yukimura is no warrior. Nor is she in the watch. » I objected immediately.

« I know that, I don't want to send her to spy or fight. I just want to see if she could get his name. Why not dressing her as a woman for once and try to seduce the Tosa emissary ? »

He was muttering as if he was trying to keep his thoughts to himself but they were still passing through his lips.

« Fukuchô, before we try this, give me more time. I'll get the name. » I assured him.

I stood straight, eyes locked in the vice-commander's ones and he saw my determination. He nodded.

« Fine. You have not more than a month. Then we'll try my way. » he agreed.

It was my turn to nod and I exited the room. One month. Short but feasible for a experienced spy like I was. And my motivation was even greater than usual. The duty was a thing but the fear of putting Yukimura in a dangerous situation was another. I wouldn't let it happen.

I went directly to Souji's room and entered after announcing myself. I found him lost in thoughts and waited for him to speak.

« Hey, Hajime-kun. Your oiran... You know, the one you see all the time... » he asked softly.

I was surprised. I thought I was quite precautious to not let anyone know I was seeing her. But Souji was a man hard to fool and we had known each other for too long.

« What about her ? » I said without letting emotions leak from my words.

« She can't go out, can she ? » he asked me.

« No. I don't think she can. » I confirmed « Why are you asking me this ? »

« Does she really look like Chizuru-chan ? » he asked again, ignoring my question.

« Not really. » I shook my head « The eyes are similar but the rest of her features differ a lot from Yukimura. »

« All right... » he just said and then he kept silent, lost in his thoughts again.

I waited a moment but my curiosity had to be satisfied.

« What happened ? » I asked.

« We just met a girl in our round. She was bothered by ronins, you know, patriots. » I nodded to encourage him to continue « I made them go but the girl... She was... Like Chizuru-chan. »

« What do you mean ? » I asked, confused.

« Well, she was wearing a girl's kimono and her hair were beautifully arranged but her face... It was like I had Chizuru in front of me. If she hadn't been with me at that time, I would have thought it was her in girls clothes. I put the two of them next to each other and they were like twins... »

« Have you spoken to Hijikata-san about this? » I asked.

« Toshi wouldn't care about that... and maybe it was just my imagination. Heisuke was there and he said they weren't so similar... » he marked a pause then smiled at me. « anyway, sorry for bothering you with my questions. »

He went to open a cupboard and took out a bottle of sake and two cups.

« Let's drink to Chizuru-chan who's driving us crazy enough to see her in every woman we meet ! » he chuckled with a wry smile.

I escaped a small laugh. Thinking about my obsession for Yuki, I thought « _Y__eah. I could totally drink to that toast. »_


	26. Shogun

June 1865

The emperor had passed that month and the shogun, Iemochi Tokugawa, decided to come and visit Kyoto to pay his respects. Kondou-san reunited all of us to talk about it in the common room of our headquarters in Nishi-Honganji. That's when he told us the news.

« The Shinsengumi has been chosen to guard the shogun through the city until he reaches his palace of Nijojô. » Kondou-san announced us proudly.

I felt my heart pounding in my chest. Guarding the shogun ! The honor of a lifetime for Roshi like us !

« Whaaat, seriously man ?! The Shinsengumi is gonna guard the shogun?! » yelled Nagakura in disbelief.

« That's one big promotion ! » said Harada, all smily.

All the men were yelling and chatting, no one could believe their ears. What a long way since the Rōshigumi of Serizawa and our name of Mibu Wolves ! Under Kondou-san's guidance, we were becoming a respected militia ! Even Hijikata-san seemed to be joyful, all the stress of the recent events was absent from his face.

« After our hard work at Ikedaya and Hamaguri gate, it's finally paying off ! »

« So basically, the fate of the country is resting on our swords, is that right ? » said Souji in an excited voice.

« Exactly Souji ! » replied Hijikata-san « I'm counting on all of you ! »

« If only Sannan-san was alive... » said a foxy voice in the back « he would have been so happy... How dreadful we have loosen a man of his quality... »

I turned over and my eyes met with Ito's, a playful grin accross his face. I wanted to put my sword through him right at this instant. He perfectly knew that he, and solely him, was the cause of Sannan's downfall. And he couldn't resist to bring it up everytime he had the chance. This man didn't deserve the name of man. He was a rat, a fox... A rare combination of the two. Next to him, Takeda was chuckling. He also was kept out of the secret that Sannan was alive as a Rasetsu. He had been fed the same lie that the one we fed Ito and his followers.

« Ito-san, I'm sure Sannan would have been honored to perform a job like the one we are given today. He would have wanted us to do it. » Kondou-san said in a low voice vibrant with autority. It defused the situation pretty well and Ito bowed in respect.

« I understand, it's a wonderful opportunity. » he said, his smile gone.

« Alright. » Kondou-san continued « everyone will have an assignment ! First, Toshi and Souji... »

« Excuse me Kondou-san but Souji still has a cold. » said Hijikata-san and since Souji protested he continued in a harsher voice « Souji, you almost coughed a lung out earlier ! You stay here ! »

« As always, you're just trying to sell your Ishida powder. Well guess what ? I won't buy it and I'm perfectly fine ! » he yelled.

« Shut up ! I'm not trying to sell you anything ! » said Hijikata-san with a frown.

« So it's settled. » said Kondou-san calmly. « Souji, you stay here and... what, Heisuke ? »

« I'm not feeling very well either... Can I stay here too ? » he said, embarassed.

« Fine, you health comes first even if I was looking forward to have each and everyone of you with me for this mission... » replied Kondou-san with an understanding smile.

We discussed our orders and I heard in surprise that Yukimura was coming too, encouraged by Kondou-san and more surprisingly, Hijikata-san as well. I didn't think it would be a good idea but the danger wasn't supposed to be great. The Choshu were enemies of the court and they couldn't get in or out of Kyoto so they probably wouldn't fight anyway and I could understand that for Yukimura too, it was the chance of a lifetime to witness the shogun. Therefore, I didn't object. She was in charge of running errands and message everyone. It was a good position but it was a target one. If enemies wanted to come unspotted, the messengers would be the first to fall. I went to her after the meeting to ease my mind.

« Yukimura. Do you remember the iai courses I gave you last year ? » I asked her, concerned.

« I do, well, I think I do. » she answered with a smile. « And Heisuke taught me a few things too when he returned from Edo ! Not directly after, he waited for the spring weather but it's fresh in my mind. »

« I see. Come and show me. » I said and I went outside.

She followed me with a lot of assurance and I nearly smirked. She positionned herself in front of me, volition burning in her eyes, and I had a feeling of deja-vu as I remembered our first duel. But this time, roles were reversed. She kept her ground, kodachi in her scabbard, waiting for my blow. Her feet were in the right position and I took some pride in it. I stayed there a moment, watching her every features and her position when she tilted her head in confusion.

« Is something wrong ? Aren't you going to attack me ? » she asked.

« No, your posture is good. » I said calmly. « Are you ready ? »

« Yes ! » she said and concentration came back in her eyes. Her muscles were tensed, even her jaw. She would have to learn that she can concentrate and keep her body relaxed at the same time. A tense body was a slow body.

Without another word, I unsheathed my sword and put the back of it in direction of Yukimura. She didn't move but I saw surprise pass in her gaze. She was probably expecting me to come at her with a iai technique but if I did it, I would probably have hurt her. I chose to use a more classic style.

I came at her with a blow in direction of her abdomen. I wasn't at full speed of course and she managed to dodge it in the same movement of the unsheathing of her blade. Without letting her rest, I turned over and attacked her legs but she dodged this one too. I felt a smile painting on my face in pride. I decided to go a little faster and stronger to push her. She dodged my blows one after the others but I saw that she was panting. She couldn't keep it up much longer. I disarmed her and put my blade on her neck, my face inches from hers. Still panting, she smiled at me and I leaned over to get closer to her lips before getting my composure back. I backed off and took my sword off her neck. She immediately crouched on the ground to get her kodachi, visibly not noticing my inappropriate behavior. On the side, I heard some clapping hands and I saw the captains all lined up, witnessing the duel. Even Ito and Mikki stayed to watch.

« Good. There's improvement. » I said « You are free to accompany us. »

« Thanks ! » she said and she bowed to salute me as if we did a real duel. I escaped a small laugh and bowed too.

« Hey, Hajime-kun ! » I heard Souji shout « If I beat the shit out of you, can I get a special permission too ? »

« You can try. » I simply said, smile still painted on my face.

« Oh, yeah ! That's gonna be good » I head Nagakura say with excitement.

Yukimura went to sit with the rest of them. When she crossed Souji's path, he extended his hand and she tapped in it with hers.

« Good luck, Okita ! » she said.

« I don't need luck » he winked « I'm gonna kill him. »

Yukimura laughed, visibly okay with Souji's sense of humor now. He positioned himself in front of me at duel's distance. Neither of us budged for a while, gauging each other. After several seconds, Souji smirked and adressed me.

« I'm not gonna be stupid enough to draw the first blow. Come at me, you coward. »

« Alright. » I just said and I made my move.

Unsheathing my katana, I took a big step forward and aimed for his throat. I wasn't using the back of my sword this time, if he wasn't dodging it, he could be beheaded. But that would be surprising of Souji, the sword of the Shinsengumi. He dodged it with ease and riposted immediately. We were going at full strength, like back in the days at Kondou-san's Shieikan. The strength we were putting in our blows could have put any normal warrior on the ground but we weren't normal warriors. We weren't even faltering. An outside eye could only see the violence of our movements with the dust that was ejected with force but our bodies were as still as rocks.

« Back at Kondou's dojo, they were fighting like that every day. They had bokken, in wood, and everyday they were breaking them. Kondou was pretty mad about it. »

Harada's voice was near but I was so concentrate it was like I was hearing it from afar, like a bug.

« Whoah. It's the first time I see a duel like this one... » Yukimura replied with admiration.

« Saito, Okita and I are the best here. » Nagakura added without proudness « they are of same level. This could take a while ! »

« But.. they aren't using the back of their blade... What if they hurt each other ?! » asked a concerned Yukimura.

« They won't. » said Harada, reassuring her.

« TOO SLOW ! » yelled Souji.

Souji's blade cut my cheek as I was taking a step back.

_Shit. I lost my focus on the duel because I was listening to the conversation. Classical beginner mistake. I should be ashamed_.

I dodged Souji's next blow and he started laughing, probably because of the blood leaking from my cheek, but his laugh didn't last. It turned into a violent cough and Souji fell on his knees, planting his finger in his chest. I rushed to him.

« Souji ! » I shouted.

His other hand was covering his mouth to hide it but I saw it anyway. Blood.

« Don't ... let them come... » he stuttered between his coughs.

« Alright. » I nodded and I stood up to stop anyone who would try to come closer. They saw in my eyes that approaching would mean crossing blades for real and so, no one budged. Souji calmed down after seconds that felt like hours and he left. As he was disappearing at the corner, he turned around and smiled to me.

« You win this time. But, I got the first blood. »

« Let's call it a draw. » I replied and he went away, probably to isolate himself again.

I bought my hand to my cheek and wiped off the blood. I looked at my hand covered in the crimsom liquid and unsheathed back my katana.

« I have to see Hijikata-san. » I stated.


	27. Demons

We met with the shogun's suite outside of town and escorted them all the way to Nijojô, the supreme leader's palace in Kyoto. We didn't get to see him, he was in a palanquin during all the journey. His ancestors were known for travelling riding their horses like their soldiers but Tokugawa Iemochi was a bit different. Only a shadow in the palaquin showed that there was someone inside but not once did he open the curtain to greet us or just take a curious look. Some of our men were torn between the honor of serving the shogun and the disappointment of not being able to see him but that wasn't my case. I knew he was there and that my duty was to protect him, it was enough.

As everyone expected, the journey was a quiet one. No incident occurred and we safely escorted the suite all the way to Nijojô. Kondou-san joined them inside with Yukimura as his messenger and we were assigned to patrol the surroundings of the castle. Mikki took his unit, so did Inoue, Nagakura and Takeda but I teamed up with Harada's since we both had reduced staff. Lots of our men were ill again but luckily, I spoke to Hijikata-san and he finally agreed to make a medical examination of the men at the end of this mission after I explained to him the seriousness of Souji's condition.

We were guarding a gate all afternoon and sometimes patrolling near it. When the night fell, Inoue came to replace us so we could switch of spot. As we were going to take our new positions, we noticed Yukimura in a alley. Three men were standing in front of her and I recognized Amagiri Kyuju from the Satsuma, the guy from the Hamaguri gate.

« Saito ! » said Harada « this guy with the long hair ! That's Shiranui Kyô, he's from the Choshu ! »

My blood boiled in response and I hurried with Harada to position myself as a human shield for Yukimura.

« Ora ! Trying to pick up chicks in back alleys ? That's pretty creepy. » said a joyful but threatening Harada, yari ready to strike.

« Shinsengumi... » said the one that I didn't know in a very low voice, as if he was already bored « Always barking, obedient like dogs... »

« Harada, Saito ! » yelled a visibly relieved Yukimura.

I didn't know what the guys did or said to her but she was more troubled than ever and she nearly collapsed. Luckily, Hijikata-san arrived at that moment and helped her stand up before unsheathing his sword.

_Three against three, choose your opponent._

« You don't seem to be here for the shogun's head... State your business with the kid. » ordered Hijikata-san in his commanding voice.

« I couldn't care less about the shogun, or you for that matter. This is only between us, Oni. » replied the leader, still in his low, bored voice.

« Oni ? » repeated Hijikata-san, perplexed.

Harada and I were also puzzled, wondering what they could mean by Oni. Hijikata-san was called the Oni Vice-Commander but they didn't seem to be referring to him. Could it be that they were talking about Yukimura ? I took a quick look at her and saw her put her hand on her kodachi before Yamazaki, out of nowhere, put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

« Don't worry about the commander or the captains. I'll return you to the headquarters, follow me. » he told her.

I was relieved, she was in good hands. But I heard the conversation between her and the ninja take an unexpected turn. She wanted to stay and Yamazaki was having a hard time to convince her.

_« Just take her away ! » _I wanted to shout.

Yamazaki eventually grabbed her arm to force her to follow him but the man called Shiranui pointed his gun at them.

« Princess said she wanted to stay. » he said with a grin.

Harada tried to pierce Shiranui with his spear but failed and that's when the fighting started. I unsheathed my katana and leaped forward to aim a blow at Amagiri but he dodged it with his gloves. I heard Yukimura cry for help, telling Yamazaki that they should go and find Kondou-san instead of fleeing. Amagiri lost interest in our duel for a second and reported his attention on her.

« We cannot allow any further outside interferences. » he said in a calm voice.

« I'm your opponent ! » I said, taking back my position as Yukimura's human shield. If he wanted her, he would have to kill me first.

« Stay back, Yukimura. » I ordered « You are their target. Please, do not make any sudden movement. I'll protect you with my life. »

« Got it, Saito. » she replied as she took a few steps back.

« Good. Leave the rest to me. » I smiled. I felt like I could die happy as long as she trusted me this way.

« May I convince you to retreat ? » asked Amagiri « just like when I first encountered you at Hamaguri gate, I have no reason to fight you. »

« Unfortunately, I have one. » I told him coldly.

No one would ever hurt Yukimura. Not until I stopped breathing and even then, I was sure I would come back from the dead to protect her. That was how much she meant to me. I slightly moved to make Yukimura even more untouchable. Behind me, I heard her gasp as we both took our fighting stance. Neither of us moved for minutes, air thick with tension.

I made my move at the same time Amagiri made his. We met for a single blow and continued forward, backs to one another. We clearly both tried to end this duel with a single blow and we both failed. Amagiri let his hands down, still in his fighting stance but the fight was already over, I could sense it. He didn't have the will to fight against me.

« There's no point in fighting you. We would only draw unwanted attention. » he said.

The two other men who were fighting Harada and Hijikata-san seemed to agree and all fighting stopped.

« We only came here to verify the truth. We have our answer. We can go. » said the leader.

« Do you really believe we'll simply allow you to walk away ? » I said, surprised to hear my own voice and not Hijikata-san's one.

« You can call your men if you wish. We'll kill every one of them and then go. Even if you three survive, can you really afford these casualties ? » the blond one continued with an arrogant grin.

We let them go. They turned their back on us without any fear but the leader turned to Yukimura one last time.

« Wait for me, Yukimura girl. I'll return for you, soon. » he told her with a grin.

His smile had something of a predator and I felt like I couldn't take all these provocations any longer but neither Hijikata-san or Harada moved and so, I stayed still too, furious. Yukimura though collapsed in fear. Harada rushed to her faster than I did and helped her out. She stayed a while seated on the ground, trembling, holding her head like a terrified child. Hijikata-san waited a reasonable amount of time before questioning her.

« Kid, do you know these men ? Do you have any idea why they're after you ? » he asked, frowning.

« I'm... I'm not sure... » she stuttered and we all knew that questioning her would be ineffective. She was in shock.

« Yamazaki, carry her back to headquarters. » ordered Hijikata-san. « Harada, Saito. You take your positions. We'll discuss it later. »

And we did. Back at the compound, we had a meeting between the trusted captains to talk about the three men at Nijojô. I learned there that the leader's name was Kazama Chikage and that he encountered Souji at Ikedaya and Hijikata-san at the mount Ten'nou. He was responsible for Souji's injury. We knew they had connection with the Choshu, enemies of the court, and the Satsuma, who seemed to be more and more opposing the shogunate as well even if it wasn't official yet, and they called themselves Oni... Was it only a way of saying or were they actual demons, as extraordinary as it may seem ? In any case, they were dangerous men and we would better keep an eye on them. Another mystery was their business with Yukimura... Still in shock, the girl didn't give us any information helping us understand and the mystery remained unsolved.


	28. Souji

At the end of June 1865, we were all reunited for a medical exam by Matsumoto-sensei, a shogunate affiliated physician who practiced western medecine. As an healthy man, I went first with all the other healthy men to take a simple physical examination. The only ones not coming were obviously Yukimura and more surprisingly Ito who refused to be seen bare skin by all of us and fled, furious. I thought it was pretty ridiculous. We were all men here... except if Ito was also fooling everyone and was a girl like Yukimura... That would explain a lot... Anyway, we all gathered in the common room and waiting in line to be examinated.

« All right ! Check this out ! »

Nagakura's proud voice was practically yelling as he was taking poses in front of Matsumoto-sensei, the latter visibly embarrassed. Nagakura was making his muscles roll in a really show-off manner, proud to show his well defined torso. We were acostumed to this kind of behavior but the poor doctor wasn't.

« This is the result of years of training ! A wonderful machinery made for combat ! » he yelled, proud.

« Maybe doctor Matsumoto should take a look at your head, Shin... » said Toudou in a teasing voice « it seems to be the problem here... »

« Do you want to have a taste of this, Heisuke ?! » he replied, clenching his fist in frond of Toudou's wide grin.

« Nagakura... » said Matsumoto-sensei in a low, embarassed voice « You're perfectly fine. Please send the next one. »

« But doctor ! I don't think you appreciated it enough. It's a masterpiece of a body ! »

« I've seen enough, thank you... » he muttered.

« Get out of the way, Shinpachi ! » yelled Harada « you're holding up the line, idiot ! »

As he was protesting again, I finally let my voice heard.

« A medical examination is supposed to be for finding problems, not showing off. Now, move. » I said in my toneless voice, not impressed by his display.

Nagakura protested again so both Harada and I took an ear and got him out of the way. After a few insults, he let us be examined without any other interruption until Yamazaki entered the room.

« Excuse me, Matsumoto-sensei. Can you come for a minute ? I'll take a look at the ones who only have minors injuries. »

« Alright. Thank you, Yamazaki ! » said a relieved doctor, happy to flee from Nagakura.

He went away for a certain time while Yamazaki took his place and dismissed me, along with the other captains. We all put our clothes back on and exited the common room to find the doctor in great discussion with both Kondou and Yukimura. The chief was passing his hand behind his head, embarrassed, while Matsumoto-sensei seemed to be scolding him. Yukimura came to us, running.

« Everyone must take a brush, a broom or anything else ! We must clean this place until it shines ! »

« Pardon me ? » said an incredulous Harada, not accostumed to hear her express herself so boldly.

« It's an order from Kondou-san ! » she said, waving her finger in front of his face.

That was a sufficient information for me so I grabbed a broom and got to work. The other captains joined soon, even Takeda and Mikki. The only captain absent was Souji, probably getting examined, but it was a good thing. There was too many dust moved and no one wanted him to breath it with his cold. All the tatami were brought outside to be cleaned, all the shoji were changed, all the floors were swiped... Even the ceilings were shining when we were finished. That represented hours of work in a complexe as big as Nishi-Honganji. Takeda and Mikki were complaining almost as much as Toudou and Nagakura during the whole operation. The only silent ones were Yukimura, Harada and I, and we also were the most efficient since our energy wasn't wasted on stupid complaints.

After hours of cleaning, the compound was as shiny as new and it felt good. We weren't realizing that it was so dirty but when I thought about it, there were more than two hundred men living in the same place and only one person assigned to chores everyday. No wonder Yukimura couldn't keep up with it.

I got out of the room to take a bowl of fresh air and that's when I heard Shimada's voice.

« Yes, I saw Okita and Matsumoto-sensei going in the courtyard, maybe you could catch up with them. »

_Souji and the doctor..._

I turned around to see Yukimura bowing to thank Shimada but instead of going running after Souji, she took another path to get there before them.

_Clever girl... _I thought to myself as I followed her, unnoticed. She stopped behind a wood shed to listen to the conversation and I came close to her and put my hand on her mouth before she could scream.

« Shhh. » I put a finger on my mouth and she nodded, eyes wide but trusting. We didn't move or make a noise and what we heard from Matsumoto-sensei felt like a death sentence.

« Okita-san, you have tuberculosis. »

« Yeah, I figured it was that... » Souji's voice answered with sadness.

« You need to quit the Shinsengumi, get proper treatment. » continued the doctor.

« Correct me if I'm wrong, doctor... But isn't that illness incurable ? »

« We can treat it, help you live better and longer with it... But we cannot cure it. » he sighed.

« Then I refuse. » objected Souji « I'm the sword of the Shinsengumi, captain of the first division, Okita Souji. I will keep fighting for Kondou-san and the Shinsengumi until my last breath. »

« If you keep fighting the way you always did, that could happen sooner than you expect » replied Matsumoto-sensei in a harsh voice. « In a few months, you'll probably be too weak to hold your sword anyway. Okita-san, you need proper care ! »

« Thanks but no thanks. Maybe the illness will take me but I will never put my sword down until Kondou-san's dream has become true. » said Souji with volition.

« I see that nothing I could say could change your mind... » the doctor sighed. « Very well, stay here if you wish. »

« One more thing, sensei. Could you not tell Kondou-san and the others about it ? »

« I can't promise that. » refused the doctor.

« I promise to take any medication that you want me to take but please, don't tell them. » he begged and that hurt my heart. Never before had I heard Souji beg to anyone.

« Alright. As long as you take your drugs, I will keep silent. » agreed Matsumoto-sensei.

« Thanks, doctor. » and these were the final words of the conversation as their steps went away.

I released Yukimura and saw some little tears in the corner of her eyes.

« Okita... Okita is gonna die ? » she asked me as if I could have the power to cure him.

« Ha. » I simply replied and she threw herself on my chest, crying.

My arms closed on her body and my hand came combing in her hair to reassure her. If I could cry, I would probably have too. But I hadn't cry for ages. I don't think I was even capable of crying anymore. Souji was my best friend. And he was dying, slowly and painfully, not even a warrior's death. I would have given anything to save him but I knew there was no solution. Yukimura was sobbing so much that I felt my kimono become wet under her face. I caught her head and lifted it, locking my eyes in hers.

« He wouldn't want you to cry. » I said as I used my thumb to wipe away her tears.

She nodded and calmed herself just as Yamazaki approached us.

« Sorry to interrupt. » he apologized « have you heard everything ? »

Of course he was listening. I should have known. He was the Watch. It was his job to know everything about us.

« You're not interrupting. » I replied.

« You mustn't talk to anyone about it. We cannot leak the information that one of our most powerful warrior is dying of tuberculosis. » he explained, looking at Yukimura.

She nodded again, not able to speak. And Yamazaki smiled to her.

« Don't worry, he's not dead yet. He's a fighter. »

She smiled gently and Yamazaki bowed, leaving us alone. I stepped away from Yukimura to give her some space and we got back to the compound together, thinking about what we witnessed. This would probably be a turn for the Shinsengumi as its whole. And not a good one.


	29. Truth

July 1865

Resting on my elbows, my gaze was totally captured by the gorgeous sight of Yuki working slowly her mouth on me, in a sweet torture. Her lips moving up and down and her tongue swirling around me, insisting on the underside, were driving me crazy. With each of her movements, her red lipstick was tainting my skin with crimson and I couldn't help but whimper softly, enslaved by the delightful sensations she was giving me. She didn't even need to use her hand as support or to go fast, she was good enough to swallow me entirely and make me see stars with her slowness. I was totally caught in a blissful extasy. Even if it was far from being the first time, I was amazed everytime with how talented she was. When I reached my climax, she kept moving, sending me completely over the edge as I twitched in overwhelming pleasure, collapsing on the futon. When it was over, she crawled between my legs and came to deposit a small kiss on my forehead.

« Sake ? » she asked in my ear playfully.

I nodded, thirsty, and she ordered a bottle of sake for me. Yuki was never sharing my bottle, as suitable. An oiran was supposed to serve the client, not drink with him.

She served me a cup and I sat up, still in cloud nine, putting back my kimono but not tying it well, keeping it loosened. I looked by the window and drank in my cup, satisfied.

_Alcohol and pleasant company, could there be a more agreeable way to spend the evening ? _

« Do you want something else, Saito-han ? » she asked and I shook my head to deny.

She didn't insist, knowing that I wouldn't mind a bit of calm and so, she took some paper and ink from a cupboard to keep her busy while I was enjoying the silence. Naked, lying on the futon, Yuki's ankles were moving back and forth in the air while she was writing with black ink and a big brush.

« What are you doing ? » I asked her after a while, sipping the sweet alcohol.

« Practicing my calligraphy. » she replied without even lifting her gaze from her brush.

« I can see that. But why my name ? » I asked, confused.

On her paper, my name was written over and over in a beautiful calligraphy.

« It's pretty. » she said, shrugging.

« It isn't. » I objected.

« Well, maybe Hajime isn't THAT pretty. » she agreed, still writing. « But Saito is. » she lifted her eyes to look at me and chuckled. « You're quite lucky, I guess you never struggled as a kid to learn and write your first name ! »

« I guess not. » I answered and she laughed some more.

« Hajime... One... First... 一... Wouah. I'm gonna send your parents a prize for imagination ! » she laughed.

« Please do, and send my regards. » I told her, smiling.

I couldn't tell her that my parents wouldn't even know who Saito Hajime is. It wasn't my birthname but it had been my hiding name for so long that I couldn't imagine getting back to the old one. Anyway, having « Hajime » out of Yuki's lips had something strange. Like it didn't belong there but was installing itself anyway.

From where I was, the view was quite enjoyable. Her hair were still beautifully arranged, with so much colorful hairpins that it contrasted with her bare white skin. From here, I couldn't see her breast that were hidden by her arms but I could see the perfect curve of her back. She really was a beautiful woman. She kept writing my name until there was no room on the paper then brought the end of the brush to her mouth, thinking.

« Ok, I'm bored. Let's do something else. » she said with a playful smile. Really, this girl wasn't meant to be an oiran. She lacked all the subtlety of her job.

« Can I keep drinking my sake ? » I asked her with a sigh.

« Right ! Good idea, let's play a drinking game ! » she said, sitting up and covering her body with her nagajuban, the under kimono.

« I never mentioned a drinking game. » I said, confused.

« Nevermind, let's play anyway ! » she said with excitement.

« You'll loose. » I said as I emptied my cup.

« I'm not talking about an amount of alcohol drank. Let's play truth or dare. » she said, filling my cup again.

« I'm not playing that. » I refused « Besides, I don't need to. I never lie. »

« Yeah, well, you never tell the truth either, Saito-han. You're pretty good at eloping questions. » she replied with a teasing smile.

« Alright. » I sighed. « I'll try your game. »

« Great ! » she said, clapping her hands « alright ! I start ! Truth or dare ? »

The foxy smile on her face had something that made me think of Ito for a second but I threw that thought away.

« Truth. » I said.

« Why don't you confess to the woman you love ? » she asked with her foxy smile.

« Always coming back to the same question, I see. » I answered calmly.

« Hey ! Warrior ! Are you fleeing the battlefield ? » she chuckled.

« What happens if I don't answer ? » I asked.

« Well normally, you're supposed to drink... But with your resilience to alcohol, that would be cheating ! » she pouted.

« I see... Alright then... » I sighed « Where to start ? »

I paused to think about my reasons and organize my thoughts to give a complete honest answer.

« First, she's young. She has probably never been desired by a man before and I feel like it would be a sin to take away her innocence. Second, she's like a little sister for a lot of us and I don't want to have a multitude of angry brothers coming for me. It could really bring some tension in our headquarters and we don't really need this now. There's already enough. Third, I could die at any moment while doing my duty. If she falls for me, I don't want to leave her with sorrow. I couldn't bare to be the cause of her sadness. Fourth, I am not in position of marrying her and she's from a good family. I can't possibly court her in my current situation. » I explained. « Are you satisfied ? »

« These reasons sound more like excuses... » she muttered « but nevermind ! I got my answer ! Your turn ! I'll go for truth ! »

« Do you love me ? » I asked without an hesitation. I've wondered for quite some time now and I was curious.

« Would you like me to ? » she said with her foxy smile.

« I don't know... You're not bad either at dodging questions... » I observed, sipping another cup of sake.

« Alright, alright... » she chuckled and then answered seriously « No, I don't love you, Saito-han. I appreciate your company and I'm always happy when you choose to come but you're still my customer. If my life had been different, who knows ? But as an oiran, love is something I cannot afford. »

I was satisfied with her answer but even if I was, there was a hint of regret in my heart. I nodded and sipped my sake again.

« My turn again ! Truth or dare ? » she said, her serious face gone.

« Truth. » I said.

« No, it should be a dare ! » she protested.

« Why ? » I asked, frowning.

« Because it's funnier ! »

« Truth it is. » I stated.

« Alright... let me think... » she eventually surrendered. « If you can't get Yukimura, will you buy my contract ? »

I nearly spitted the sake out of my mouth in surprise after hearing a question so bold. That was a slippery slope. It had never been my intention of buying Yuki and even she admitted that she didn't love me. Why in the world would I do that ?! Yet, when I saw the hope in her gaze, I couldn't bring myself to refuse. I didn't love Yuki, that didn't mean I had no affection for her, otherwise I wouldn't go to her that often.

« I don't know what to tell you. » I just said. « I would like to tell you the truth but I don't know it myself. »

« Ok then, fair enough ! That was a hard one ! » she replied with a smile as if the answer didn't matter at all to her. « It's your turn. »

« I don't think I want to play anymore. Besides, the encense is nearly consumed. »

« Wait ! Can you allow me one more ?! » she said in a begging voice and that voice alone made me curious enough to accept. « It's a dare ! » she said, her foxy smile back, and I knew immediately that I made a mistake « before our next encounter, you'll have to confess to Yukimura. »

« We'll see. » I told her in my toneless voice before opening the shoji and bowing to her « have a nice evening Yuki. »

« You too, Saito-han » she bowed in return « are you going to the Gion Matsuri tomorrow ? If you can, bring me a little something from it. »

« I'll think about it. » I just said as I exited the room.


	30. Yukata

_Before our next encounter, you'll have to confess to Yukimura. Are you going to Gion's festival ? If you can, bring a little something for me. It's a dare ! __Before our next encounter, you'll have to confess to Yukimura. Your reasons sound like excuses. Are you going to Gion's festival ? Confess to Yukimura. It's a dare ! Will you buy my contract ? Bring me a little something... Your reasons sound like excuses. Confess to Yukimura._

_It's a dare !_

_It's a dare !_

_It's a dare !_

Yuki's words were like a typhoon in my head, spinning and spinning again in a maddening dance. I spent all night staring at the ceiling and repeating them in my head. I think I fell asleep at some point but I wasn't even sure. It felt scary. Not knowing if I slept or not, loosing control over my body and my mind. That was the scariest thing I could imagine. I have always been in control. Swordsmanship, meditation, calm. All of this made me know my own body and mind perfectly. I knew my limits, I could push them and I knew to which point. Now everything was upside down.

_Maybe she actually is a Shimabara fox, after all. _

I sighed and sat up, arranging my ponytail. I positioned myself in seiza, my katana in front of me and I meditated to clean my mind. When I was satisfied I picked up my swords to go outside and practice. The sun was up but I could decipher that it was very early. I saw Inoue from afar who saluted me. Some things never change and Inoue's morning routine was one of them. My blade was cutting the thin air with precision at first but my blows began to be more violent as I was repeating them.

_Calm down, Hajime... Calm down..._

I regained my composure and my movements became precise again, like art, as if I had a brush in hand and was drawing in the air. Satisfied with my spirit, I put my sword back in it's scabbard and took the direction of the common room to see if there was help needed for the preparation of the breakfast.

_Are you going to Gion's festival ?_

I stopped and changed my mind. I was walking at a quick pace that wasn't really in my habits and stopped at Harada's room.

« Harada. » I said and I waited for an answer but none came. « Harada, are you up ? »

« Saito... » I heard Harada's sleepy voice from behind the wood panel « What time is it ? What do you want, pal ? »

He sounded annoyed, sleepy and probably a bit angry but I didn't really care.

« I need your help. » I just said and the shoji opened immediately on a fresh, half naked Harada, smily and eyes sparkling.

« I've waited so long for this... » he said, teasing « What's your problem, lone wolf ? »

I felt embarrassed and the tip of my ears became red as I was wondering what I was doing here. I tried to organize my thoughts to explain to Harada the reasons of my presence.

« I need a Yukata. » I blurted out.

« Well, then go and buy a yukata. » he sighed, closing the shoji. I put my foot in the door's opening to block it.

« It's not for me. » I explained and I saw interest come back on on his face.

« Ora, and who could it be for ? » he asked with sparkles in his gaze.

« That's not any of your concerns. » I replied and the red started invading my cheeks.

« Oh, what a pity... I thought you wanted my help... » he muttered, turning away.

« Alright... » I sighed « it's for Yukimura. »

« Chizuru-chan ?! But.. She can't dress like a girl, Saito. » he said, lifting an eyebrow.

« I know, not in the compound, but Harada, do you remember last year, at Gion's festival ? She was upset to be wearing boys clothes and you bought her a hairpin and she felt better and again at Aoi Festival, she wanted to come but wasn't allowed and you've been shopping with her, you know her size and you also have experience in women and know the trends and... » I stopped the debit of my thoughts which were flowing uncontrollably from my mouth and paused. « I just want her to be happy and feel like a woman, for once. »

Harada had a gentle smile on his face, an understanding one that looked a bit like the smile of a proud father. His paternalistic attitude annoyed me but I still needed him so I stayed silent.

« So... YOU want to take Chizuru-chan on a DATE ? » he said slowly, insisting on every word.

« No ! » I blushed and gritted my teeths « it's not a date. I just want to do something nice. »

« Like buying her a beautiful yukata and going together to a festival... Just the two of you... At night... Yeah, you're right, that doesn't sound like a date at all. How stupid of me to assume... » he laughed.

« Forget about it. » I said, turning away.

« Wait, Saito ! » he yelled « I'll help you choose one. Just... wait a minute, I gotta get dressed. »

I stopped and the shoji closed and reopened on a fully dressed Harada.

« Can it wait after breakfast ? » he asked me.

« Ha. The shops are probably not opened yet anyway. » I shrugged.

« How early is it exactly ?! » he growled.

We went to help prepare the breakfast and ate together, joined by men waking up. Hijikata-san joined too after a little while.

« Ah good, Saito. I wanted to ask you. How is your investigation on Saitani going ? » he asked, chewing on his food.

« We are taking turns with Yamazaki and Shimada when they are available. » I answered « The problem is that Saitani knows my face and name. We seem to be going nowhere though. That man is cautious. »

« Alright. » he frowned « I know we have been busy with the shogun's visit but your time is nearly over. If you don't get any information, I will use Yukimura to our advantage. »

« Don't worry, Fukuchô. I will get his name. » I said with assurance. I never failed before at getting intels.

« Good. » he said, trusting me, and he took another portion of breakfast.

« Fukuchô. May I have permission for the Gion matsuri tonight ? » I asked.

« Alright. » he said without an hesitation.

« May Yukimura have one too ? » I added, trying not to show any feelings on my face.

Hijikata-san stopped eating and looked at me, frowning, probably wondering why I was asking this and if it was linked to our previous conversation. After a few seconds, he sighed and started eating again.

« Fine. But I don't want her in any dangerous situation. Am I understood ? »

« Ha, Fukuchô. Your trust honor me. » I said in respect.

After the breakfast, I followed Harada in the streets of Kyoto. He was talking a lot. What color did I want ? What length for the sleeves ? How much money did I have ? That last question was quite easy to answer. I spent so much at Shimabara that year that I didn't have much left but it still was enough for a good yukata, not a cheap one, and for anything that we could do at the festival. That was the great part with assassinations. It paid.

We entered a shop of women fabrics to choose the design and color of the yukata and the obi. My eyes stopped on a orange fabric with maple leaves on it but Harada looked at me with disapproval.

« Saito, it's still July. We just entered the summer, she can't wear maple leaves ! It's good omen to be a bit ahead of seasons but right now, it's really too soon. » he frowned.

« I know that. » I nodded « I just like the color. Orange would be suiting Yukimura well. »

« I agree. The color of her skin has an orange undertone... Dark pink or purple would look bad... » he muttered.

« How do you know that sort of things, Harada ? » I asked, confused.

« Easy. You want to pick up chicks ? You talk to chicks. You talk to chicks, you learn things about chicks. » he laughed.

I shrugged but I could see the logic in that. Harada was the best flirt in town. He could have any women he wanted at his feet in a heartbeat. Something I could never achieve but it's not like I wanted to live like this either anyway.

« Why not a salmon shade ? » he asked me, showing me a beautiful fabric and I nearly agreed.

« It's the same color as her hakama. » I explained « I want her to feel different. »

« Riiiight... » he sighed « but salmon is a color perfect on her... » he muttered again « I chose that hakama myself... »

I kept looking until I found it. It was a dark yellow one with a simple patern, fireworks, orange and green. I showed the fabric to Harada and he smiled.

« Yes ! That's one perfect ! » he agreed. « Now for the obi... what about a green one that matches these fireworks. »

« Alright. » I agreed. Yellow and green would be perfect on Yukimura.

We quickly found what we were looking for and headed to the tailor where Harada gave Yukimura's body measurements. The tailor was very busy and said it couldn't be done for tonight but a little more money made him change his mind. He told us to come back in an hour and so we went waiting in a tea house in the meantime. I hated to admit it, but I had a great time with Harada, trying to find the perfect gift for Yukimura. Harada was a very kind man, always happy to help people and never judging anyone, I knew it already, but having him personally helping me was really nice.

« I got a round to make, would it be ok if you go to the tailor by yourself ? » he asked me, finishing his tea.

« Ha. Thank you Harada, I can take it from here. » I nodded.

« Good. Oh and just so you know ! I'm planning to do a surprise inspection on swordsmanship skills tonight so everyone will be in the dojo. No one will be outside » he winked at me and I nodded again.

That meant I could get Yukimura out of the compound unnoticed. Harada was really thinking about every details. He left, waving his hand and I quietly finished my tea before grabbing the yukata and the obi and getting back to the headquarters. I stopped at Yukimura's door but she wasn't there so I kept the package and bought it to my room.

After lunch, I went back again but I couldn't bring myself to call her name and I went back in my room again. I don't know how many time I stood up, sat up and stood up again during the afternoon. Then I heard a voice from outside.

« Saito ? Are you here ? Okita said you wanted to see me ? »

« Yukimura. Come in. » I said.

Souji probably saw me with my package and decided to spice things a little. I didn't really know if I wanted to thank him or kill him. She came in, smiling and I closed the shoji behind her. It was the first time she ever entered my room. It had something strange. Without a word, I handed her the package.


	31. Friends

« What is it ? » she asked, grabbing the package from my hands.

« It's for you. » I simply said and I waited for her to open it but she didn't.

She bowed and thanked me before turning around. I couldn't blame her, it was normal to not open a present in front of the person offering it but right now, I wanted her to do so. I caught her arm gently and made her sit in front of me as I sat too.

« You may open it. » I said.

« Is it really okay ? » she asked.

I nodded and she reported her attention on the present. She untied the fabric of the wrapping with a lot of caution and saw the obi first. Confusion painted on her face, she lifted it to reveal the Yukata.

« Is that... a woman yukata ? » she asked, puzzled.

« It is. » I confirmed.

« But... I'm sorry Saito, I'm confused... Am I not supposed to dress as a boy anymore ? »

« Not tonight. There's Gion Festival and if you are willing to accompany me, it would be my honor. »

_Alright. I said it. Wasn't that difficult in the end, was it Hajime ? _

Confusion didn't leave her face though and I felt a hint of disappointment. That wasn't really the reaction I had been hoping for.

« Is it... For a kind of mission or something ? » she asked, perplexed.

_Is it so unbelievable to imagine that maybe I'd like to spend some time with you ? _

« No. Hijikata-san said you had permission for tonight and I thought about going to Gion's matsuri together just like last year. »

_Are you satisfied now or do you want me to yell in your ears that I want a date ? _

Her eyes lit instantly and a smile grew or her face.

« I'd love to ! » she said, excited, and the warmth invaded my chest once more.

« Good. » I said as she was unfolding the yukata to take a better look at it. « I'll see you in the evening then. »

« Alright, thank you, Saito ! It's really beautiful. » she said, standing up.

She bowed again and exited my room as my gaze followed her until she was out of sight. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest that it felt like it was resonating in the whole room but she didn't seem to notice. As soon as she got out, Souji invited himself in.

« Hey, what's that package ? » he asked with a head movement in the direction of the door.

« Nothing that concerns you. »

« I'd figured you'd say that. I can't count on you to tell me anything, can I ? » he sighed « So... you're going on a date with Chizuru-chan ? »

« No. »

« Sure. So you're taking her out at night, alone, under the romantic lanterns of the Gion's festival while she's wearing a brand new outfit you specially bought for her... but that's not a date. » he chuckled.

I lifted an eyebrow in surprise that he already knew so much about my plans. Did Harada talk to everyone in the compound about our morning errands ?

« What did you expect ? » he laughed « I've been behind that door the whole time ! It's not everyday you can have this kind of entertainment ! »

« Souji... You snake... » I muttered.

Souji got his tongue out with a « sssss », laughingly, but couldn't even be angry at him. It was just the way he was. Plus, with the discovery of his incurable illness, life shouldn't be as fun as it used to be for him. I couldn't blame him for trying to find entertainment where he could. I sighed and stayed silent to see if he was going to go at some point but it didn't seem to be in his intentions. Instead, he took out a bottle of sake and two cups from his sleeves.

« It's not strong, but enough for courage. » he said, handing me a cup.

I nodded and grabbed it. That was Souji's way of showing he cared and I needed a bit of courage anyway.

In the evening, I met with Yukimura outside. She was breathtaking. The dark yellow really suited her skintone and she had arranged her hair in a bun with Harada's hairpin from last year. She wasn't wearing any makeup but she didn't need to. Her beauty was a natural one. Her obi was tied in a Asagao musubi knot (the morning glory flower) and I was a bit surprised since this knot was most of the time used by little girls and Yukimura wasn't that young anymore. It added some innocence to her outfit.

« You look like a woman. » I said and she smiled but didn't reply, probably not knowing how to answer.

_You look pretty. You look beautiful. You look gorgeous. You look breathtaking. So many options. But you chose « you look like a woman ». Whoah. That must be the most sincere compliment she ever heard. Please try again and do better you moron. _

« I mean, this color suits you well. Sorry, I am not used to see you like this. I apologize if I made you feel uncomfortable. » I muttered, sensing my ears becoming red.

« It's all right. It feels good to have some girls clothes for once. » she blushed « thank you. »

« Let's go. » I just said before the situation got any more awkward.

We walked quietly and slowly in the streets of Kyoto. Yukimura seemed to have a bit of trouble walking. She had worn a hakama for so long, with a huge freedom of movement, it probably was hard to come back to a tight woman outfit, I figured. She was taking hesitant little steps and was as red as a tomato, probably thinking she was embarrassing herself.

« We don't need to hurry. » I said to reassure her and she relaxed a bit.

In the Gion's district, the lanterns were already lit even though it wasn't nighttime yet. It was very crowded and I took Yukimura's hand without thinking about it to not loose her in the crowd. We stopped near some stands where various dishes were displayed. It smelled very nice and I turned to Yukimura.

« Are you hungry, Yukimura ? » I asked her.

« Maybe a little... » she said, looking at the stands with envy sparkling in her eyes.

« Oye ! I have the best Kabayaki, you'll feel like you're in Edo, having the best time of your life ! Here lady, have a bite ! » yelled a merchant to Yukimura and she grabbed the eel dish he was handing her and bite the half.

« It's delicious ! » she told me, handing the second half that I shyly refused.

She ate the second half and I bought a 6 piece plate of the kabayaki for us to share. The gong and flute started playing and the procession started at the Yasaka jinja. We watched it while eating our grilled eel glazed in mirin and soy sauce as they passed near us with the chars, singing. Just like last year, Yukimura had stars in her eyes and I was happy to see that she was happy.

« Let's look at the other stands. » I said to her when the procession was gone. « Unless you wish to follow them ? »

« I'm fine, I'd be happy to look at the stands. » she replied.

Aside from the food, there were a lot of other various stands at the festival. We stopped at a wanage game where Yukimura tried to throw 5 rings but she couldn't manage to get a single one on the cone. Disappointed, she turned to me.

« You wanna try ? » she asked.

« I don't think I would be any better. » I confessed. I had never been good at aiming in distance, let it be bow, riffle or ring toss.

« Nonsense. » she said, shaking her head. « I'm sure you just want to make me feel better about myself... »

« Alright. » I surrendered and paid the merchant who handed me 5 rings. I concentrated, trying to feel the target, and threw them, but only one got on the cone. I turned to Yukimura, embarrassed, and felt the blush on my face.

« If you don't mind, I'll stick to swords. » I told her.

« Yeah, it looks like it suits you better. » she laughed.

My gaze stopped at a accessory stand and I looked at the merchandises displayed. I saw a simple wooden hairpin with a fox head carved in it and gave some money to the merchant to buy it.

« Who is this for ? » asked Yukimura, curious.

« A friend. » I replied, trying to elope the question but before she could ask any precisions, a voice interrupted her.

« It's not pretty enough for a princess like you anyway, my lady. »

We turned over and Yukimura opened her eyes wide in surprise.

« Saitani-san ! »

« Oh you remember the name ? That goes straight to my heart. » he said with a charming smile, putting his hand on his chest.

It was surreal. I have been tailing this guy without any success for days and now, he was speaking to us casually. Well, to Yukimura, at least. I was torn between the desire to protect her and the order of Hijikata-san about getting his real name.

« I'm happy to see you, Chizuru-chan » he continued in a flirtatious voice « and in girls clothes nonetheless. It suits you so much better... »

He gave some money to the merchant and planted a beautiful silver hairpin in Yukimura's bun next to the one offered by Harada.

« Now, it's perfect. You're the most lovely girl here. » he said with a charming smile.

Yukimura was blushing red and I was mortified. It almost seemed like she was receptive to Saitani's advances.

_Shit. This guy's even worse than Harada. _

« Are you on a date ? » he asked, looking down on me.

_Sure. You're taller than me. Is that really an achievement ? Most people are anyway. _

« N...No... » explained Yukimura, blushing some more « Saito is just a friend. »

The words hit me like bullets but I stayed impassive.

« Oh. Then he won't mind if I borrow you for a minute. »

He winked at me and I immediately felt the urge to put my sword through his abdomen but I didn't budge. Yukimura turned to me with a puzzled look on her face and I took a few seconds to think. My feelings aside, this could be a wonderful opportunity to learn more about Saitani.

« Alright. » I said « but she can't be out of my sight and if you misbehave with her, I'll be there to reestablish her honor. »

My voice was sharp as a knife and my right hand was positioned on my katana, thumb unsheathing it a little. Yukimura couldn't see it from where she was but Saitani wasn't a fool. He understood very well what I was implying.

« Don't worry, I'll be a gentleman. » he winked again as he grabbed Yukimura's arm, taking her away from me.


	32. Jealousy

I looked at them going away and I saw that Saitani was telling the truth. Yukimura didn't get out of my sight once. It was both conforting and painful. Saitani was serving her a big white smile, full of charm and assurance and she couldn't help but blush at everything he was telling her. At least, I supposed. From where I was, I had no idea about what they were telling each other. It was maddening. I felt something I didn't know I could feel, the ugliest feeling I knew : envy, jealousy. This feeling was unworthy of a bushi. I knew I had no right on Yukimura. She wasn't my wife or my concubine and I never told her about my feelings therefore I couldn't complain about this situation. Yet, I wanted to go get her, take her arm and pull her straight back to the compound while scolding her. But scolding her for what purpose anyway? She wasn't doing anything wrong.

_Calm down... Perhaps she's going to get his name. That's the most important part... _

Everything I had planned for tonight was ripping into pieces but I had to focus on the mission Hijikata-san gave me. If I could get his name today, there would be no need to put Yukimura in a dangerous situation. Plus, here, I could really protect her. If he ever tried something inappropriate, I would not waste time hesitating. If he misbehaved, he would be a dead man.

He brought her to a shateki, a gun shooting game, and I watched from afar as he took three shots and knocked down three prizes without any effort.

_Damn, this Saitani is good with a gun. _

He gave the three prizes to Yukimura : some yatsuhashi, some sesame mochi and a little wooden doll. I thought that last prize was pretty ridiculous. Dolls were for kids, not for women. Yukimura accepted them with a smile but I could see something in her eyes. She was uncomfortable with Saitani. Her gaze wandered around the festival to find mine and I heard her silent voice in my head as if she was screaming.

_Help me, Saito ! I don't want to be with that man !_

I didn't have to think twice. In a heartbeat, I was near them. I didn't care about Saitani's name anymore. I wanted to rescue her.

« Yukimura. It's late. Let's go back. » I said in my toneless voice but my eyes were aiming only at Saitani, threatening.

« Alright Saito. » she answered, bowing at the Tosa emissary. « Thank you, Sakamoto-san. Have a nice evening. »

« Hey princess, you're not supposed to tell my real name in public ! » he laughed « what about my cover ?! Anyway, I had a wonderful time with you, Chizuru. I hope I'll see you again soon. Without a chaperone. » he added, returning me my threatening gaze with a smile that had nothing charming anymore.

Without breaking the eye contact, I took Yukimura's hand and got her behind me. I paused a second to let the message sink in. « _Don't you try to approach her ever again. » _and we went away together. As we were walking away from the festival, I took the prizes Yukimura was holding.

« You shouldn't keep it. » I said, talking about the wodden doll.

« You think so ? » she asked.

_Yes. I don't want to have to see it and remember how you got it. I don't want you to have any souvenirs of that man. You were supposed to have memories about me. _

« A doll could make people realize that you are not a man » I said instead « I wouldn't bring it back to the compound if I were you. »

« I understand. » she said.

She noticed a little girl also coming back from the festival and ran to her to give her the doll. I was relieved. We walked quietly for a while but the question I was holding back found its way to my lips.

« Did you have a good time with... Sakamoto-san, was it ? » I said casually, as if I didn't care about the answer.

« I don't know. » she said, blushing and shaking her head. « He's very kind and thoughtful but there's something about him, like he's a liar. I don't know how to express it but I could feel it. »

I nodded. Sakamoto was not using his real name, was probably in negotiations with the Choshu... Even Yukimura could sense that something was odd. He wasn't a really talented spy though. How could he give his real name away like that to the first pretty girl he saw ? It didn't make any sense. Lost in my thoughts about Sakamoto, the Tosa and the Choshu, I hadn't noticed that Yukimura had stopped walking. She was dancing on her feet, uncomfortable, and I remembered the last time I saw her like this. It was just before our first duel, when she wanted permission to accompany us outside.

« What is it ? » I asked her.

« Also, I... I wanted to tell you... thank you... You know, for making Sakamoto-san go away. » she stuttered.

She was blushing red again and I nodded.

« You're welcome. »

« I... didn't want to spend some time with him you know... » she added.

« I could see that. »

« I came tonight to... spend some time with you. »

_Could it be ?_

« I also wanted to spend some time with you, Yukimura. » I said and I felt the blush starting to invade my face.

« Thank you. » she said and she walked again, coming closer to me.

_Could it be possible ? _

Yuki's words came spinning in my mind again. _« Confess to Yukimura. »_

These words alone gave me the courage I needed and I grabbed Yukimura's hands. Here we were, standing in front of each other, holding hands and it was too late to hold back. I took a few seconds to think about all the things I wanted to tell her. But in the end, there was only one thing that really mattered.

« Yukimura, you've been special to me for a long time, now. I... sometimes I don't know if I deserve you, I don't know if I have the right to be with you, to bring myself into your life... But if you were willing to try, you would make me the luckiest man in whole Japan. »

It came out longer than I expected, and messier too. It was my first confession and I wasn't really satisfied about how it went. But the look of Yukimura's face, full of affection and shyness was the reward I had been craving for for months. She didn't need to speak, I knew already that her feelings were meeting mines.

« I... want to try. » she replied shyly and I leaned over to come closer to her lips. The scent of spices caught my nose again, heady, and I did my best to master myself to prevent my veneer to crack.

« May I ? » I whispered and I never heard my voice so raw and inploring before.

She nodded and I gently pressed my lips against hers. It wasn't as sweet as I had imagined, I could still taste the kabayaki we both ate and it made me want to devour her as a whole. My hands left hers to comb into her hair and hold the curve of her back, bringing her closer to me, closer than she had ever been. I wanted to merge in her, become one with her, and maybe that wish was shared since she grabbed the sleeves of my kimono to keep me close. Unable of restraining myself, I let my tongue wander on her lips before parting them and explore her mouth. She tried to do the same but while my tongue was eager, hers was hesitant, full of inexperience. I didn't care. I didn't need her to be the best lover I ever had. I just needed her. Just her. I felt like someone who was dying of thirst and was eventually offered water. I was swallowing her breaths as if they were the only thing keeping me alive. I hadn't lie to her. At that moment, I really felt like the luckiest man in all Japan, because she chose me.

Even if I didn't want to, I put all my volition in taking a step back, parting from her to let her breath. The sight of her, panting, cheeks red and swell lips, was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I resisted the urge to explore more of her and brought my fingers back to her hair to arrange the bun I had just ruined. I planted back both Harada and Sakamoto's hairpin in it although I would be lying if I were to say that I didn't hesitate to throw Sakamoto's one away. But Sakamoto didn't matter now. He could try and buy her the world, she was kissing me. Jealousy was gone as suddenly as it appeared. She stayed silent and doubt began to invade my heart.

_Maybe I've been too bold, maybe I have been too eager. It probably was her first kiss, maybe I should have been more gentle... What if she didn't like it ? What if she realized that she did a mistake ?_

But the doubt faded away when she smiled to me and grabbed my hand, combing her fingers into mines, like a promise. I couldn't resist to lean over once more to leave a small last kiss on her forehead, a gentle one. I didn't need more, I had my dose of euphoria for the night. We kept holding hands until we reached the headquarters of the Shinsengumi and I parted from her with regret.

« Yukimura... Chi... Chizuru... » her name coming from my mouth had something strange but sweet. « I know this behavior isn't honorable and I apologize in advance for what I'm going to ask from you. But the situation in the compound is very tense and as you know, there are people we cannot trust. Plus, you're still supposed to be a man so... Would you mind not talking about what happened ? »

I was feeling so ashamed of asking that from her. But I couldn't fathom any other solution. Luckily, Yuk... Chizuru understood my point of view quite well and agreed. Grateful, I accompanied her to her room and wished her goodnight. I wasn't ready to push my luck that night, it would have been unworthy. As I was going to my room, I noticed there was still light in Hijikata-san's office and I went to talk to him about Sakamoto. As I approached, I heard he wasn't alone.

« All right Sannan. Your corp can take night rounds but if there is any incident, you're out. Am I understood ? »

« Thank you, Hijikata. Don't worry, you'll soon see the efficiency of my Rasetsu. They are the futur of the Shinsengumi. »

« Futur will tell. »

Listening to doors wasn't something I could do as if it didn't matter, I wasn't Souji, so I went away to leave Hijikata-san and Sannan to their conversations. I could talk to the vice commander in the morning.

I entered my room and undressed myself before I laid down on my futon. As I closed my eyes, I passed a last time my tongue on my lips to taste the kabayaki. That night, the luckiest man alive had the best sleep of his entire life.


	33. Hiding

**Hey everyone ! I've been a bit on fire these past days, releasing chapters everyday and stuff but I just couldn't stop myself from writing ! I'm not sure the updates will continue to be that fast but I'll try to keep them up ! **

**We finished the first arc ! I'm glad because in the end, it wasn't at all what I had planned but it's even better. But I'm also a bit scared because since it took a different path, I have no idea where I'm going (but i'm going anyway) ! Saito and Chizuru are ahead of a lot of difficulties, that I can say ! I'm happy because there's a lot of people commenting or sending private messages and you all seem to like my story a lot so THANK YOU ! And don't worry Yuki's fans ! I'm not putting her character aside and she's still there even if Saito confessed. I will not abandon Yuki in the cemetery of the « useless side characters ». Enjoy the rest of the story ! Second arc starts now ! **

August 1865

Hijikata-san reunited all the Shinsengumi captains and high ranked to speak about Sakamoto. I didn't really tell him how I got the name but he supposed that I used Yu... Chizuru, to get the intel just how he intended to and, in a way, he wasn't really wrong.

« Alright. This Sakamoto is a well known guy. » started Hijikata-san. « Yamazaki, can you do a brief summary ? »

« Hai, Fukuchô ! » replied the ninja « Sakamoto has been in the Tosa Imperialist party for a long time before the Tosa decided to track them down. From what we know, Tosa clan is still officially affiliated with the shogunate but having Sakamoto as an emissary is something we should look into. The guy is supposed to have left his affiliations with the imperialists behind him and is officially working for the Bakufu as a Navy Ingenieur. He's trying to modernize our warships to make some new ones, closer to the europeen's black ships. He's supposed to be working full time in both Nagasaki and now Osaka. What business he has in Kyoto though, we still don't know. But we know that he stayed at Terada-ya, a well-known imperialist inn, and that he has already met with some Choshu officials. He also has good connections with the Satsuma. To be fair, we don't know which side this man's on, yet. »

We all let the informations dig in. Only I wondered, if Sakamoto was really that important and surely a double agent, then why did he blow his cover so easily with Yukimu... Chizuru ? Nearly a month after our first kiss but it still was hard for me to call her Chizuru. The hiding of our relationship, if we could call it that way, wasn't really helping. In front of the others, she was still Yukimura and only once we were alone, I would call her Chizuru. For her, things were easier I guess, she was still calling me Saito all the time. We didn't talk about it, I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. Maybe it was too soon for her to call me Hajime... Since I've kissed Chizuru, I hadn't gone to visit Yuki. Not that I was avoiding her but I just didn't get the time. I still had the hairpin for her, the wooden one with the fox head. I should drop by to give it to her but I felt like it would be betraying Chizuru. I should maybe talk to her about Yuki beforehand... Or maybe not... I didn't know how she would react and I wasn't ready to screw this off already.

« Saito, have you learnt some more ? »

« Unfortunately not. I only got his name at Gion's festival but that's it. I think however that the man should be under surveillance since he has a lot of connections with the imperialists. » I explained as if I wasn't lost in my thoughts seconds ago.

« Alright. We're gonna keep an eye on him. Yamazaki, Shimada ? » said Kondou-san.

« We're on it. » answered Shimada without an hesitation.

« Good. Any other topic we should discuss? » asked Kondou-san.

« Nothing of importance. » replied Hijikata-san. « Everyone can dismiss. »

All the captains stood up to go to their obligations or anything else and I bowed in respect before exiting the room.

In the courtyard, the heat was unbearable. I had the feeling that Kyoto summers were worse and worse each year and I couldn't wait for the autumn to arrive. I saw Yukimur... Chizuru in the distance who was hanging some laundry. In her hakama, just as usual, she looked like any other page. Only I, knew the taste of her lips... but I knew nothing more. Chizuru was still innocent and I couldn't bring myself to taint her even if I desired it so much. It sometimes got frustrating but the prospect of sharing my life with her was worth the wait.

Souji next to me waved to Yukimur... Chizuru in the distance and she waved back.

« Oye, Chizuru-chan ! I'm going on a round » yelled Souji « do you want to come ? »

She took a second before answering him.

« Sorry Okita, I have to finish the laundry first. Saito, I have your kimono. I'll bring them in your room in a moment. »

« Alright. » I just said.

Souji shrugged and greeted me before getting his blue uniform. He had been doing less rounds lately. Even if he was keeping his tuberculosis a secret, everyone could tell that something was odd. It was a common understanding. Everyone knew, no one talked about it. I got back in my room to get away from the burning sun and in no time, Chizuru was there.

With all the missions, all the rounds, all the chores... I couldn't be with her as often as I wished to. She blushed and put the pile of kimonos she was holding near my folded futon.

« Are you going on any rounds, Saito ? » she asked me casually.

« I have one in the evening. Since the Rasetsu took the night rounds, we have less work. » I answered.

« Okay then. » she told me, smiling, and she already opened the shoji to get out.

I wanted to tell her to stay for a while but it was just how things were. We never exchanged much more than this. She never had been with me at night, never had we shared anything else than that hidden kiss and I was torn between wanting more and the desire to protect her honor. After all, she was a kid not so long ago and I wasn't in position of marrying her right now. My duty towards the Shinsengumi was greater than any other feeling. For the moment, knowing that she was loving me back was enough.

I took the pile of kimonos to store them and sighed before taking a look at my swords. They already needed to be oiled again and I went outside to do it.

In a way, nothing had changed. I was still going on my missions, still doing my rounds and still polishing my swords. I didn't know what I wanted. It had something reassuring because Chizuru didn't expect me to change or anything but in the meantime, it also felt like our relationship wasn't really one. Was it anyway ? Could we call a kiss without tomorrow a relationship ? My head which was supposed to be calm all the time was now crowded with conflicting thoughts. Was that what love was supposed to do to people ? It was exhausting.

« Oy Saito, would you mind giving me a hand ? » I heard Inoue say, hands full with groceries.

I put my swords back in their scabbards and nodded before joining him and I took some of his bags.

Nothing had changed.


	34. Wood

September 1865

« I thought I'd never see you again. »

I entered the room like I did so many times before. Yuki hadn't change in nearly two months. Her voice was a simple assertion, just like always. No repproach, no jealousy, not even a hint of regret. Did she miss me ? I had no idea and I didn't know if I wanted to have the answer to that question anyway. I sat in seiza in front of her and she did the same.

« I've been busy. » I told her in my toneless voice but she saw clear in my game, it was nothing but an excuse. She smiled at me gently but said nothing and I got the hairpin out of my sleeve. « A little something from Gion's festival, as requested. »

« A fox... » she laughed before grabbing it and putting it in her date-hyogo hair next to all the other hairpins. Hers were made with silver, gold, bronze... The wooden one was contrasting a lot « Why did you choose it ? »

« Because it made me think of you. » I said.

« Because it's a fox ? » she smirked.

« Not only. »

« Then why ? »

« Does it matter ? »

« I missed these conversations... So much to share between the two of us, Saito-han, it's crazy... » she chuckled.

She was openly making fun of me and the truth was that I didn't even cared. I missed her joyfulness and the way she was always teasing me. Having a spirit that free locked in this golden cage had something criminal.

« You're used to metals. » I eventually said « It's shiny, precious, refined. Everyone find it beautiful. Just like oirans. The wood is raw, strong, honest. It reflects your soul. »

The teasing smile on her face disappeared instantly and I could see my words sinking in her. She was overwhelmed. I've never seen her like this.

« This is possibly the most beautiful thing I ever heard... » she muttered to herself, touching the hairpin in her bun and I did as if I hadn't listen. Seeing me stay silent, she leaned over and put her hands on each of my cheeks before merging her lips with mines. She parted, her malicious smile back and whispered « that probably deserves a reward... » in a voice full of promises.

I took her hands in mine and put them back on her thighs, releasing them.

« What's the matter ? » she asked me, puzzled.

« I can't do this. » I said calmly.

« Why not ? Is there a problem ? Do you... Oh. Oh ! » realization hit her and her smile came back. It was the same smile a child could have when getting a new toy, full of excitement and eagerness. « You dit it ! Is that right ?! You confessed your love for Yukimura ! » she clapped her hands frenetically « you have to tell me everything ! Oh, I'm so proud of you ! When did it happen ?! How ?! Is it because of my dare ?! Hey ! Don't keep silent ! I won't tolerate it this time ! »

« I took her to Gion matsuri. » I said to calm her down.

The flow of her words finally stopped and I felt relieved. She waited, silent, until she couldn't take it any longer.

« And then ? » she asked, impatient.

« Then what ? »

« What happened ?! And don't give me the short version ! » she pouted.

« No. »

I could feel that I was on the verge of blushing red but I owed nothing to Yuki and I didn't have any obligation to tell her anything. It was between Chizuru and I.

« Alright... Your stubbornness knows no limits, Saito-han... » she sighed. « So that's why you don't want to be intimate with me then... That doesn't seem like a bad reason at all ! » she smiled again.

« Ha. » I nodded, embarrassed.

« Does she make you happy ? » she asked.

There was no hint of sadness or regret in her eyes or smile. She wasn't feeling rejected by my behavior and I was relieved. I took a moment to think about the answer. Was I happy ? The moment I knew she loved me back was one of my most precious memories. But since this event ? What have we shared ? Was I satisfied with it ? I knew the answer was « no ». To be fair, it was « not yet ». But a huge step had been taken and I was confident that brighter days could come if only I could give it a try.

« She does. » I lied.

« Good. » she nodded « then I guess you don't need my services anymore. »

I didn't know what to tell her. I didn't want to betray Chizuru by seeing an oiran even if I wasn't intimate with her. Apart from my word, she could not have any chance of knowing if it was or wasn't the case. Therefore, the logical choice would be to stop seeing Yuki, even if I enjoyed her company. I decided not to answer, at least not now. She saw my hesitation and chuckled.

« You know, married men come here all the time. And most of the time, their wives know and just don't care. Anyone who comes here is welcomed, married or not... »

« I'm not anyone. And I'll be faithful to the woman I love. » I answered before standing up.

« I didn't mean to offend you, Saito-han. » she apologized.

« You didn't. » I simply said.

Opening the shoji, I turned to her one last time.

« Have a nice evening, Yuki. »

« I hope I'll see you again, Saito-han. If you decide to come back, I will not come between you and your woman. Please, do not turn your back on me. I'll respect your faithfulness if this is what you desire. »

I nodded, thankful before she added « as a matter of fact, I'll do anything you desire me to. »

I got out without another word. I wasn't sure how to interpret her last sentence. The way she said it was weird, as if she meant exactly the contrary of what she said just before. It would probably be a good idea to stay away from her for a while, and why not forever, if her goal was to test my faithfulness.

I thought about the kiss she gave me without even knowing it would be the last. I didn't feel anything as she was kissing me, no desire, nothing. The spell was broken now that I had what I was seeking for in her. My desire for Yuki was a decoy, I knew it from the start, but I didn't expect it to be that much of a decoy. Even if I learned to like her for what she was, I didn't love her. In a way, I was relieved to see that. It was making things so much easier.

I got back to the compound with a much lighter heart. I couldn't change the past and everything I did with Yuki before having Chizuru but at least now, I was at peace. It was behind me.


	35. Teahouse

October 1865

« Saito, Hijikata-san wants to see you. I think it's pretty urgent. »

« Ha. I shall be on my way. » I replied to Shimada.

When I arrived to Hijikata-san's office, I was greeted by very frowned faces from both the vice-commander and Yamazaki.

« Good, Saito. Sit down. » said Hijikata-san in his commanding voice and I obeyed immediately. He waited for me to be in seiza before continuing. « We need to talk about Yukimura. »

_About Chizuru ? _That could only have one explanation and the presence of the ninja at this meeting was evidence enough. They knew. I was ready to accept any punishment they could give me. I tainted the honor of Chizuru and put the Shinsengumi in danger, taking the risk of creating new dissensions in a group already tensed. They could order me to commit Sepukku and I would gladly execute myself. I bowed my head, keeping my gaze on the ground in respect, waiting for my sentence.

« We saw what you did this summer, at the festival. » continued Hijikata-san.

« Fukuchô... » I started but the words kept in my mouth. Now wasn't the times for apologies.

« You made me realize something important. We have a weapon that we are not using properly. »

_A weapon ? Ochimizu ? What does it have to do here ? _

I was starting to feel confused about the whole conversation.

« Yukimura had proven that she could be useful at getting intels. Your idea of using her at an event as trivial as a festival was a genius move. We need to use her at our advantage. »

I couldn't believe my ears. They were thinking about turning Chizuru into a kind of ... spy ?

« Yamazaki here is holding concerns about her usefulness but I think she could be able to achieve simple spying missions. Women are more trusted than men anyway. What do you think, Saito ? »

« I don't think she would be a good spy, Fukuchô. Getting Saitani's name was more of a fluke. She didn't try to get informations from him. » I answered genuinely.

« That's the point. » he confirmed « She didn't try. She succeeded. I think we should give it a try. There's a bar in Gion, a Geiko teahouse, frequently visited by Choshu officials. I want to station her there undercover. You and Yamazaki will prepare her to the job. You are our most talented spies. »

I was gritting my teeth, knuckles white but I couldn't refuse a direct order from the vice commander. Things had gone too far. Now, something I thought impossible was happening : I was regretting I ever brought Chizuru to Gion's festival. She was in danger because of me.

« If you allow me to speak my mind, Fukuchô, we can't go into this kind of teahouse as Shinsengumi members. » I objected « therefore there will be no way for us to insure her safety. »

« It's a teahouse. » cut Hijikata-san, his mind already made up « she'll be safe. Now if there is nothing else, dismiss. »

I stood up and bowed, exiting the office along with Yamazaki. Outside, we both sighed.

« I'll go find a way to get Yukimura in that teahouse. I have connections with an okiya, maybe we can pretend she's a maiko. »

« Ha. » I replied, mortified even if I wasn't showing it.

« as soon as I have a plan, we will tell Yukimura about it. »

I nodded and Yamazaki went away. I stayed a moment in the courtyard, looking at the first maple leaves of the season becoming red.

« Ora, that's a long face... » I heard behind me.

« Souji... » I replied without looking in his direction.

« What's the matter, Hajime-kun ? »

« Why do you ask ? » I replied in my toneless voice.

« I know you better than anyone. Don't play the emotionless puppet with me. Now, spit it out. » he said, crossing his arms.

He wasn't smiling, his face was only expressing concern and I felt I could use a listening ear.

« Hijikata-san wants us to use Yukimura as a spy in a tea house of Gion. As a maiko. »

« Ara ! Chizuru-chan's gonna be so pretty ! But jokes aside, I don't understand the problem here. »

_You don't understand the problem of having someone as innocent and helpless as Chizuru entertaining men all day long ?_

« The tea house is full of Chōshū officials. »

« Yeah, usually when you want to plant a spy, you do so where the enemies are... »

« We wont be able to protect her, Souji. »

« Think a second. You know Toshi and Kondou-san. They thought this through. If they are willing to send Yukimura, it's because she's not gonna be harmed. No chances. » he told me with a reassuring smile but I couldn't bring myself to return it. « See the bright side : a maiko isn't an oiran. »

True. Different from an oiran, a geiko and her apprentice, the maiko, dispensed no sexual services to customers. They sticked to arts and entertainment. The only way a customer could have sex with a geiko was to be recognized as her danna, her protector, and that was expensive. He had to give money every months to his geiko's okiya to keep her all for himself. And for maikos, they were supposed to be virgins anyway. Their virginity was taken when they turned from maiko to geiko and sold to the highest bidder. That was even more expensive than being a danna. Everybody liked to be the first... So normally, at least sexually, she was safe as a maiko.

I nodded to Souji. He was right, I needed to keep faith in Kondou-san and Hijikata-san. They both liked Yukimura very much. They probably thought this through. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I was imagining it and maybe it could serve the Shinsengumi well. Still it was sickening me to imagine all the gaze filled with lust that she would probably recieve in this teahouse. The first man who tried to get her innocence, official or not, would be a dead man. That was an oath I made to myself.


	36. Maiko

November 1865

Yamazaki spent two weeks looking for an okiya willing to help us. It wasn't an easy task. For okiya, reputation was everything. An okiya who was known for openly having spies amongst their geiko would be the end of it. If you'd asked me, I would have replied that the task was impossible but the ninja seemed full of ressources and Chizuru got taken as an undercover maiko. I was pretty anxious about it but I just hoped that Souji was right and that she would be safe. I had been very busy lately so I wasn't the one who talked to her about the job, Yamazaki did, but I was going in the courtyard anyway to see her off for her first day, or should I say, first night. When I arrived, I was surprised to find not one, but two maiko waiting in the entrance of the headquarters. Even with white fondation, eyeshadow and lipstick, I could recognize Chizuru's round features and her chestnut eyes. I always wondered if, if I saw her with makeup, or Yuki without, I would find them similar. I knew now that eyes aside, they had nothing in common.

Both maiko were wearing the mishidashi hairstyle, made with their own hair and that alone was enough to tell that they were geiko in training and just starting their formation, still virgins. The other maiko next to Chizuru had her hairstyle even better, probably because she had naturally longer hair. They were also light brown while Chizuru's were from a darker shade.

Another sign showing they were beginners were the shoes, okobo, reserved to maiko, and the color of their strips. Red indicated a new maiko. Later, they could wear yellow or blue.

Unlike oirans, they were wearing a very tight kimono, not loosened, and had an imposant obi tied on the back. Yuki and her collegues were always wearing theirs tied on the front, easier to remove for customers.

Harada and Nagakura were with them, probably incapable of missing an occasion to witness beautiful womens and the vice commander and Souji were there too.

« I'm sorry, Chizuru-chan » sighed Harada « I see all the efforts put in your hair and outfit but your collegue here is so gorgeous... You look pale in comparison... »

« I agree. » nodded Nagakura with a very serious face « she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Would you like to spend a night with me, my lady ? »

The maiko tried to jump feet first to attack the two of them, yelling insults in a voice that lacked all the refinement you would expect from a woman of her standing.

« Bastards ! I'm gonna have your heads ! Get lost Shin ! And you too, Sano ! »

_Toudou ?! _

My eyes widened in shock. The beautiful woman next to Chizuru was Toudou in disguise.

« Shut up Heisuke ! » ordered Hijikata-san as I was approaching « and stop gesticulating like this ! You're going to ruin your kimono ! »

Toudou calmed himself, daggers in his eyes while Souji, Nagakura and Harada were laughing so much that I thought they would collapse.

« Why do I have to do this ?! » complained Toudou with a sulky pout « why not ask someone else ? I can't walk with something this tight... and those shoes... They're torture ! And I can't even wear my swords !!! »

« Yare, Yare, would you rather send Chizuru-chan alone ? » asked Souji with a smirk.

« And with all my due respect, Heisuke » continued Harada « you are the skinniest, you have the longer hair and the most feminine little face »

« I'm not feminine ! » he yelled in response.

« Yeah sure, maybe we should send Shinpachi instead ! » replied Harada again.

That sentence left a rather disturbing image in my mind and I shook my head to get rid of it.

« Why not you Sano ? Or Souji ? » he continued, growling.

« They're too tall. » cut Hijikata-san « now stop your little act and do as you're told. You are only there to keep an eye on Yukimura. Chances are you won't even have any customers. »

« If anyone tries to get near me, they're dead, you hear me ?! And if I'm just supposed to guard her, why can't I be like a bodyguard or something ?! Plenty of geiko have some ! »

« Enough ! » bellowed Hijikata-san « we cannot afford you to be recognized. You're going as a maiko and that's it ! »

During all the altercation, Chizuru had kept quiet, eyes on her feet.

« Are you alright ? » I asked her.

« Ye... Yes ! » she blushed « I just hope I'll be up to the task... »

« Do not worry. They probably will give you simple tasks and a formation. And customers would not expect a new maiko to act perfectly. » I told her to reassure her.

She stayed silent but lifted her eyes and smiled at me. I was stunned by her beauty. With all that makeup on, she really looked older, more mature. Her gaze was filled with love, just like that night at Gion's and I felt remorses for not being able to be with her as much as I wanted, for being on missions all the time, for always pretending like I didn't care when others were here and for not taking time to be alone with her. But the integrity of the Shinsengumi was something I wasn't willing to play with. Chizuru and I would have to wait for better times. Times when we wouldn't have to hide and I could propose to her. She knew it, I knew it.

« Okay, the guard is here to take you to the okiya. Have you chosen your names yet ? » asked Hijikata-san to the two maiko.

« Can I keep Chizuru ? » she asked shyly.

« No. But if you worry, we can choose something close... Chiyoko suits a geiko. »

« O... Okay then... » she said with hesitation.

« What about you Heisuke ? »

« I don't want to be called by a fucking girl's name ! » yelled Toudou.

« You're a maiko for god's sake ! » shout Hijikata-san in return.

« Fine ! I'll be Hisae, _resistance_, is that fine with all of you ?! » he yelled, looking at each ones of us in the eyes with defiance. « Let's go, _Chiyoko-chan._ »

Souji was with the guard a bit afar and the two maiko joined them shortly, walking at a slow pace with their okobo and tight kimono. Chuckling, Harada and Nagakura watched them until they were out of sight. In no time they were joined by Souji and the three of them exploded in laughter.

« You all calm yourself and dismiss. » said Hijikata-san, frowning. « Saito, you come with me. I've got something to ask you. »

« Ha, Fukuchô. » I nodded.

I followed Hijikata-san to his office and sit in seiza, waiting for instructions.

« Saito, would you mind being affected to night patrols again ? » he asked.

« I will do as ordered, Fukuchô. But ain't the Rasetsu taking the night shifts ? » I asked.

« Yeah. They are. I want someone to team up with Sannan, just to be sure everything's all right. I had the Watch keep an eye on Rasetsu since they had this affectation but I need Shimada and Yamazaki for other purposes. I know you will do your duty according to your orders and I also know Sannan has you in great estime. He would probably prefer teaming up with you than with someone like Nagakura. »

I could see the sense in that. Nagakura and Sannan were always cordial with each others but since the colonel drank the Ochimizu, the second division captain was erupting more often about it. They would probably argue a lot if they were to team up.

« Thank you for putting your trust in me, Fukuchô. » I said, bowing.

« No, thank you, Saito » he replied with a small smile « for alway complying with everything that is asked from you. »

« I live for the Shinsengumi. » I simply said.

« We all do. »

I bowed a last time before exiting the office. The night was beginning to fall and therefore I went to the back of the compound to find the Rasetsu and inform Sannan of Hijikata-san's orders.


	37. Teamup

December 1865

As requested by Hijikata-san, I had teamed up with the Rasetsu. My unit, not aware of their existence, was told I was on special mission and therefore were under Harada's command in the meantime. Toudou's unit also changed of commander for a time and joined Inoue's. It had been a month now that Toudou and Chizuru had been stationed as undercover maiko and I was kept in the blur. Us captains didn't have any informations about the mission. Hijikata-san and Kondou-san were probably thinking that we didn't need to have any if there wasn't anything of importance discovered and it wasn't my duty to ask, even if it was killing me inside. I had faith in Toudou for keeping her safe, even without swords. That boy wasn't the most talented of the captains but he still was far above any average swordsman. And I didn't know if he was still in love with Chizuru but I knew for sure that they were very close friends. He wouldn't let anyone hurt or dishonor her. I had to convince myself that no news were good news and calm my anxiety.

Teaming up with the Rasetsu was actually not bad. I always prefered patrolling at night anyway. It was silent, less crowded and I could really have all my senses alert. Plus, I was very surprised with Sannan's corp. They didn't look like the Rasetsu I was accustomed to. They were disciplined, their white hair and crimson eyes weren't showing and they looked exactly like any other men. I guess they weren't mad yet like the ones I was ordered to chase.

« Impressed, Saito-kun ? » asked Sannan with a proud smile.

I nodded in response. I was indeed impressed that Sannan could keep so much Rasetsu under his command.

« Hijikata-san gave us a wonderful opportunity to show our merit. I really believe that Rasetsu could be the future of the Shinsengumi » he continued.

_Future of the Shinsengumi _seemed to be a big word though. I sincerely hoped the Shinsengumi could keep being humans and not yield to the ochimizu.

« How's your arm, Sannan ? » I asked.

« Better than ever. It healed perfectly and that's not all. All my body has been enhanced since I drank the ochimizu. Better reflexes, more strengh, more speed... That medecine isn't a curse, it's a gift. »

« Until you go mad. » I couldn't stop myself to say.

« I suppose » he chuckled « I'm working on that specific part and I have already proven that my Rasetsu were better than Kodo's. Keeping their sanity for longer... Maybe I could cure the... madness... » he said but he hesitated on the last word.

I knew the word he was avoiding was bloodlust. I wondered if Sannan had already experienced it. It was said to be so painful that it was what was driving you mad. If Sannan could find a way to cure it... What a breakthrough it could be for the researchs on the Rasetsu and what a relief it could be for the Shinsengumi. We wouldn't have to kill our own men then. I thought about Sannan's miraculous recovery and I couldn't stop myself from asking.

« Can the ochimizu only cure wounds ? »

« What do you mean ? » he asked me with a malicious smile « are you thinking about Okita-kun ? »

Souji's illness was a secret but in the end, everyone knew. You couldn't cough blood for so long without it being tuberculosis. In respect for Souji, no one was bringing up the subject but he was dying. I nodded to Sannan.

« I knew it was something like this... Truth is I don't know. I lack data on the matter. I've seen the efficiency of the Ochimizu on wounds and physical damages but I never tried it on illnesses. The only way for us to know would be for Okita-kun to drink it. » he turned to me « do you think you could persuade him, Saito-kun ? »

I paused to think. The Ochimizu could be the best way to save Souji's life but it came at a great cost. If Souji were to get mad, would I be able to kill my best friend ? Not only could I lack the will but also the strength. Souji was the Sword of the Shinsengumi, the most talented swordman with me and Nagakura. An enhanced Souji would be an opponent who could doom us all. And what about Souji's humanity ? What would Kondou-san think ? Souji was a son to him.

« If Souji decides to take the Ochimizu, I will not prevent him from doing so and will respect his choice, just like I would if he chooses the opposite. It's Souji's personal choice to make and I will not interfere. »

Sannan nodded in agreement.

« I agree. The decision must come from the warrior. Just like I chose one year ago that I would not bear my broken arm any longer. »

Memories of that day came in my mind. Chizuru crying, Sannan on the floor, Souji and his sword unsheathed. Since then, Sannan had lived in the shadows with his corp.

« Do you sometimes regret to be condemned to hide ? » I asked.

« I would be lying if I told you that I do not miss the sun on my skin and the colors of the day. At night, the leaves, the cherry blossoms, the water of the river... They are all in shades of grey. But I do not regret my arm injury and I enjoy my new strength. If hiding is the price to pay, so be it. I gladly take the burden. »

Again, we stopped talking and walked quietly until Sannan broke the silence.

« What about you, Saito-kun ? » he asked with a wryly smile « could you drink the ochimizu ? »

Again, I took the time to think about my answer.

« I cannot know for sure already since I'm not in position of needing it. I guess it depends on the circumstances. If taking it is for the greater good of the Shinshengumi, I'll do it. » I nodded.

« I had this feeling about you. » he smiled « Maybe you and I are more similar than we think. You, like me, belong in the shadows, Saito-kun. »

I didn't know how to interpret it, I just hoped it wasn't an omen when I put my gaze into Sannan's one, his wryly smile still painted on his face. I hoped I would never have to take the Ochimizu and loose my humanity.


	38. Weapons

January 1866

The work that Chizuru and Toudou were doing as undercover maiko seemed to have come to fruition. We finally had an information about a merchant who just like Furutaka before the Ikedaya incident, was gathering a large quantity of weapons on account of the Choshu. Nagakura and Souji were sent to confiscate them, following Shimada's intels. I learned about it in the late afternoon. Still assigned to nights patrols, I was sleeping during the day. It was when I woke up to eat a bit that I saw them all coming back to the compound, their men carrying the said weapons. There were a lot of katana and matchlock riffles but also a few more modern ones with different bullets in it that you had to reload less often. I didn't have a great interest in it. I had never been good with distance weapons and to me, anyway, they weren't honorable ones.

« Oye ! Hajime-kun ! » yelled Souji from afar. « You want a new sword ? It's on me ! » as I shook my head to refuse, he continued « what about a brand new gun ? »

_What are you, a weapon seller now ?_

« It's unworthy of a samurai. » I simply said and he shrugged.

I went to take my breakfast, or if you could call it that in the afternoon. It was composed of miso soup, natto and rice. The miso soup had some tofu in it and a small smile painted on my face when I remembered Chizuru's words.

_« It's your favorite food ! I noticed you always seemed to smile more ! »_

That girl had always been so observant. I wondered if she would continue the undercover mission now that some weapons had been found. Only Kondou-san and Hijikata-san could know. I was missing her. I've grown accustomed to see her everyday and now, I could only see her from afar sometimes when I was patrolling in Gion. I couldn't wait for her to come back and start accompanying me again on rounds, share tea with her, why not teach her a little more iai... And be with her, solely with her. I wondered if at some point, I would have the opportunity to propose to her and make our relationship public. My mind began to imagine a life with Chizuru as my wife. It wasn't an unpleasant thought. My spirit then replayed memories of our kiss at night, under the lanterns of the festival. How I was desperate to have her in my arms and how I wanted to get more of her. I calmed myself. I could share these kisses with her but no more. I would not be the one to dishonor her. When the Choshu would be defeated once and for good and the shogunate stable again, then I would have no more reason to fight so much and I could devote myself to Chizuru and get on less missions. Until then, I had no right to touch her even if she was returning my feelings. It was frustrating, sure, but it was better this way.

I finished my meal alone and cleaned my plate before going outside. Souji and Nagakura were still there, showing their treasure to the men.

« Come and take a look at least, Hajime-kun ! Don't tell me you don't like swords anymore ? Getting soft huh ? » yelled Souji.

I sighed and approached them. The men were all impressed by the few advanced guns but I had eyes only for the blades. Some of them were from very good facture, probably Bizen. I took one in my hand to have a better look.

« Go ahead Saito ! Take it if you want ! » yelled Nagakura joyfully.

« No one's taking anything ! » I head Hijikata-san shout, walking toward us at a quick pace with furrowed brows. « This is the property of the Bakufu ! Someone's gonna come and collect it all ! »

« But Toshi ! Some of the men have their blades in such a state... New ones would be perfect for them ! » objected Souji.

« You have no idea what we've been through today to bring them back here ! » said Nagakura, not afraid to stand against his commander. « The men deserve to get some ! »

Hijikata-san sighed and his expression softened a little.

« Okay... I want a full inventory of everything that's here, what had been taken and by whom. The Bakufu only cares about the guns anyway. » as a cheer erupted froo the men, he added « and if someone makes a fuss, I don't care who it is, I take everything back. »

« Alright mother hen » snapped Souji with a smirk and the commander looked at him with daggers in his eyes.

« This is also applicable to you, Souji. » he said in an icy voice before going away.

There was silent for a moment before Nagakura broke it with his powerful voice.

« Okaaaaay ! Who wants what ! Ask uncle Shin, I have everything you might desire ! »

I put the katana back. It was a fine blade but I still had my own. I was taking so much care of it anyway that it was in perfect shape. The katana displayed before me all found their new owner and I reported my attention on the shorter blades.

« May I take this ? » I asked Nagakura.

He looked at was I was holding with perplexity. It was a tanto, a short blade with its scabbard. It measured one shaku and its tsuba, its guard, was very simple without any engraved details. It was really one of the simplier weapons here but I didn't own a tanto yet and you never knew when you might need one.

« Yeaaah... Sure, Saito... Take it. But wouldn't you prefer something better ? » he asked with an understanding smile.

« The men need these more than I do. What I want is irrelevant. What is relevant is that the men are equipped aptly. » I replied in my toneless voice.

« Alright then... One tanto... Sai... to... Ok it's yours, I registered it ! » he said while writing on a paper Souji brought him for the inventory requested by Hijikata-san.

I bowed and returned to my room to display the tanto on a shelf. I thought for a moment about putting it under my futon in case of attack but I was trusting my katana better. I always kept it near me and it didn't fail me once. I didn't know what I'd do with this tanto. Probably never use it. A blade that didn't have to draw blood. Is that what I was starting to aspire to ?


	39. Alley

**Trigger warning : rape. It is not detailed or explicit but if this kind of subject is difficult for you, you can skip the chapter. Victims of rape are NEVER responsible for what happened. If you need to talk about it, feel free to PM me. **

The new year had already come but no big party was planned that year. Sannan was officially dead, Toudou and Chizuru on mission, Ito and Miki were away to Edo for personal matters and Kondou-san got back to his family for a few weeks since the situation was allowing it. It was a bit strange compared to last year's banquet and all the work we put in it. Poor Nagakura was inconsolable. No mochi for him on New Year's Eve was probably the biggest tragedy of his entire life. His complaints were echoing all around the compound like a litany.

As I was now accustomed to, I was patrolling the midnight streets of Kyoto along with Sannan and his Rasetsu corp. I wondered how long would Hijikata-san order me to do it. After all these weeks, I could testify that the colonel had them perfectly in control. That's when we heard the scream. I couldn't believe it, I could recognize this voice in millions.

_Chizuru !_

Sannan and his Rasetsu started running and I followed them to a back alley. Chizuru was there in her maiko kimono, her guard was lying on the ground in a puddle of blood. Immediately, I sensed a change in the Rasetsu, a predatory bloodlust.

« All of you back off ! » ordered Sannan and to my surprise, the Rasetsu obeyed. « Saito ! »

« Ha ! »

I ran to Chizuru while Sannan was doing his best to contain his corp. One of them took a step forward and Sannan cut him open without a second thought.

« Come on Chiyoko... I saw how you were looking at me... I saw your desire... I'll help you cope with that lust... You need to know what a real man feels like... »

Where on earth was Toudou ?! The man was getting closer to Chizuru, his hands nearly grabbing her. His kimono was already loosened, reveling his manhood. Chizuru's eyes were going from his face to his member and his face again, expressing only terror. She didn't have her kodachi and was stucked in her tight clothes, back against the wall. I didn't hesitate and drew my blade. The man looked in surprise where his hands used to be before screaming in pain and fear. In front of him, my furious icy gaze had replaced the scared chestnut one.

« You are no man. » I said as a death sentence before beheading him like the criminal he was.

I heard someone running toward me and I turned over, still in my fighting stance, before recognizing the man in front of me. Dressed as a maiko, the kimono was half opened to allow him to run and he was firmly holding a katana in his hand.

« Saito, oh thanks to the gods you were there. » signed Toudou in relief.

« Where were you ? » I asked in a harsh voice.

« I can't wear my swords with this outfit, I ran to get them ! » he yelled with defiance but I could see in his eyes that it was a defense mechanism and how much he had been afraid for her.

« Are you stupid ? » even if my voice was calm, I couldn't contain myself and the words kept flowing « you were asked only one thing, keep her safe. Now, where were you when I found her alone in the streets of Kyoto at night with a man ready to... » that last word couldn't pass the barrier of my lips but he knew very well what I wanted to say.

« As I said... Just getting my swords.. it was only a matter of five minutes... »

« Five minutes during which she could have died. You can't carry your swords, fine. At least wear a tanto or something. How do you think women do ? »

Toudou's gaze was on the ground but he was shaking in shame and anger, hands clenched into fists.

« I'm sorry... »

I ignored him and turned to Chizuru.

« Are you unhurt ? » I asked.

« Ye... Yes... Thank you, Saito... » she replied but I noticed she was crying.

I wanted to hug her, keep her in my arms until she calmed down but I couldn't do it in front of Toudou, Sannan and the Rasetsu, so I just nodded.

« I'm taking you back to the compound » I said but Toudou brought his hand on my chest to stop me.

« You can't. We have a mission ! We can't afford to be seen near the Shinsengumi's headquarters. » he told me.

« She could have been hurt. This mission needs to be aborted. »

« It's not your call to decide. »

His words hit me like bullets. He was right and I had been driven by my emotions. Only Hijikata-san or Kondou-san could decide to call off the mission. I nodded and took a step back to notify Toudou I had understood. He ran to Chizuru and took her in his arms gently.

« It's ok, Chizuru-chan. Let's go back to the okiya... »

« Wait, Heisuke ! » she objected, still sobbing « Can... can I have a moment, please ? »

« Sure ! Take as long as you want ! » he said, detaching himself from her. He went to salute Sannan but I didn't move. « Come on Saito, leave her some privacy. »

Chizuru looked up to me, tears sparkling in her wide eyes.

« Stay... »

It was nearly a plaint, like a whisper, but loud enough so I could hear it. I nodded and stayed put. My eyes threw daggers at Toudou and he went a bit further, taking Sannan and the Rasetsu with him. As they were out of sight, I finally opened my mouth.

« Can you walk ? » I asked.

Her whole body was shaking violently. I've never seen her so afraid since the night I met her.

« I... yes... » she stuttered.

Her voice was full of confusion, as if she hadn't realized what happened yet. Now the others weren't here anymore, the desire to hold her grew bigger but I restrained myself. Chizuru had been through a traumatic experience, someone tried to rape her. How could I, a man, put my hands on her body in this instant ?

« Let's walk then. » I said.

I wanted her to move, as if moving her body could make her mind move on as well. I wanted to get her away from the scent of blood and the sight of the two corpses at her feet.

She nodded and started walking but after a few hesitant steps, she bursted into tears and fell on the ground. What could I do to reassure her ? I was feeling helpless and uncomfortable. I had never before been ashamed to be a man but at this instant, I was. I was feeling dirty for all the sins my kin could do to the other gender.

« Saito... I... I'm sorry ! » she tried to say, sobbing uncontrollably, her fists on the ground, head down.

« Don't be, the blame isn't yours to take. »

« I never... wanted this. »

« I know. »

« All that he said... about how I was looking at him.. It's not true... I swear ! »

She looked up again and I could see desperation in her eyes. I finally understood. She had been through a terrible experience but she wasn't scared about her, she was scared about me. She was thinking that perhaps, I would not love her anymore, as if it could be possible. She was thinking that maybe I could believe that she actually tried to seduce that unworthy piece of shit, if you may forgive me the expression.

I kneeled before her and even if I wasn't sure that it was the right move, I took her in my arms. Her fists left the ground and came clenching onto my white haori, desperately. Her face burried itself onto my shoulder and the sobbing became even more intense. I passed a arm under her legs to lift her up a little and put her on my laps. She froze at my contact, tensed, so I moved her the slower way I could and removed my hand instantly after. My arms came circling her, my head came over hers and I stayed that way. I wanted her to feel me under her, on her, around her... to be in a cocoon of my presence, warm, reassuring. It seemed like it was effective because the crying wasn't as intense as it was and I could feel her body relax in my embrace.

« I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... » As soon as she calmed the sobbing enough to be able to speak, she was repeating it endlessly.

« Chizuru... I know you did nothing wrong. » I eventually said to calm her down but her litany was continuing as if she hadn't heard. « Calm yourself, Chizuru... I love you. This man doesn't matter. »

She twitched and I realized that it was the first time that I was telling her that I loved her. She detached her head from my shoulder and I glanced into her wide, sparkling chestnut eyes. I leaned forward and whispered again.

« I love you, Chizuru. I love you. »

I kept repeating it as I moved closer to her face. My litany had replaced hers and I saw that it was working, she was calming herself. When our lips finally met, there was no apprehension or fear from her. Our kiss was different from the first one we shared. It wasn't passionate or wild, it was a tender kiss, soft and mellow. I tried to communicate to her all the warmth I was feeling when i was with her, all the love I had for her.

Unfortunately, I heard footsteps approaching, breaking the magic, and I released her mouth but I kept her in my arms. I didn't care what Toudou or Sannan could say. With what she had endured, my behavior wasn't suspicious. Toudou asked me if she was ok and I nodded. He came closer to take Chizuru's hand and lift her up. She was still sobbing a bit.

« Thanks Saito. » said Toudou, bowing. « Come on Chizuru, we have to get back to the okiya. »

She nodded and both maiko started walking silently, we could only hear the « clac » of their okobo on the ground and the gentle sobbing of Chizuru. I looked at them going away, knuckle white, and I knew that I wouldn't be kept in the blur anymore. If Hijikata-san didn't call off the mission, I would find a way to personally look after her.


	40. Mizuage

February 1866

It had been 4 months now that Toudou and Chizuru were stationed as undercover maiko. I spoke to Hijikata-san about the incident in the back alley but the only thing I could manage to obtain was the right for both of them to wear secret kaiken, a little knife, in their obi. I had no further informations but since I was still doing night rounds, I always made sure I was going through Gion and near the okiya twice a night. I stayed in the shadows most of the times but I could sometimes witness them and their new guard, walking to or from the okiya. That was one of my rituals, just to be sure they were safe. Sannan didn't talk about it to anyone and I was grateful for it. When he was human, Sannan had this capacity of reading hearts, or pretending he could. He always had a lot of empathy. Now he was a Rasetsu, he wasn't showing it anymore but his behavior with me was proof enough that the old Sannan was still in there.

I was walking in the Nishi-Honganji when I noticed Souji, Harada and Nagakura all round up in front of Hijikata-san's office, not making a noise. They were all spying the conversation behind the shoji. That behavior was unworthy of samurais. I walked in their direction to tell them to go away but Souji put his finger on his mouth.

« Hajime-kun ! » he whispered « please don't make a noise ! »

As I was ready to answer, Harada explained to me the reason of their presence.

« The okiya's master is here ! She's talking about mizuage ! »

I felt like the ground fell off under my feet. _Mizuage ?! For Chizuru ?!_ As unworthy as it could be, I joined them to listen to the conversation in the office.

« I will not allow this ! » I heard Hijikata-san say with a voice vibrant with anger and autority.

« My okiya is taking a lot of risks by permitting your two spies to pretend to be maiko ! By the way, one of them is lacking all the refinement you expect from a geiko but the other, Chiyoko, she's a good listener and she learns quickly. She already has a lot of potential clients and one of them offered a large amount of money to be the one to take her virginity. How do you think us okiya live ?! We have to make money to take care of our girls ! »

« Chiyoko isn't going to sell her virginity to anyone ! »

« You are dramatizing things, Hijikata-san ! It's only one time... It's not that much of a big deal ! The man will not be allowed to see her ever again, according to the mizuage ceremony. »

« She's not a virgin ! » he yelled in response.

I furrowed my brows and bit my lip. How could it be possible ? When she arrived, she was probably too young, or she started very early but if that was the case, she wouldn't be acting so innocent. So that meant that it happened during her stay here. I looked at Souji, Harada and Nagakura in the eyes and they all shook their head to deny... It couldn't be Kondou-san or Inoue... Nor Miki, Ito or Takeda, she probably wouldn't have let them and they didn't know she was a girl... Toudou... Not sure he would have dared. If Hijikata-san was the only one to know then... Did he do it ? Did he make Chizuru a woman ?

« Great. » answered the woman with assurance as if it didn't matter to her « it's even easier then. Nothing to worry about ! »

« What do you mean ? » said Hijikata-san in a furious but confused voice « if she's not a virgin, there can't be any mizuage ! »

« You really are a man to be so naive ! » she chuckled « mizuage is only sacred in the eyes of men who pay to be the first ! They think it makes them special... When I was a maiko, my virginity had been sold four times ! Mizuage is more profitable than anything else we could offer. I don't care if that girl is truly a virgin or not ! »

I had no idea an okiya could act with so much dishonesty. But again, they were allowing spies in their ranks so it shouldn't be a very honorable house.

« The okiya will give twenty percent of the mizuage price to the Shinsengumi as a reparation. » said the woman to convince Hijikata-san.

« I do not care about your money. I am the commander and I choose what to do with my men ! » he shouted.

« Vice-commander... » I heard Souji mutter, followed by shhhhhhh from the others.

« And I am responsible of my okiya. And I choose what to do with my maiko. » she replied, using the same tone than Hijikata-san.

The shoji opened violently and we all saw the shocked face of the vice-commander, frowning.

« What are you all doing here ?! » he shouted.

« So this is the discipline of men of the Shinsengumi... » said the woman « impressive. »

Nagakura couldn't let her get away with it.

« Hey ! You touch one hair out of Chi...yoko's head and I'm coming for you ! »

« I'm sure you are, big boy... » she said with a small laugh « but don't worry, it's not her hair we are after. »

And she went away with a sonor laugh while we all had daggers in our eyes. Harada had one hand on Nagakura's chest to prevent him from jumping on the woman. When she was gone, we turned to Hijikata-san.

« Toshi ! Tell me you're not gonna let it happen ?! » yelled Souji, grabbing Hijikata-san's kimono.

« Of course not ! » he shouted, trying to get rid on Souji's grip « we agreed to try to get intel only if Yukimura wasn't in danger ! I'm gonna have Shimada send a message to Heisuke. I'll tell him to never leave her side and be ready to fight if necessary. »

« Yosh ! Let's plan a Chizuru-chan rescue team ! » said Nagakura but Hijikata-san frowned.

« No. The Shinsengumi cannot act in the open for this mission. We can't do this. » he objected.

« So what's it gonna be ?! We just wait and see ?! » added Harada, loosing his temper too.

« As I said. We count on Heisuke. He's gonna be perfectly capable of handling the situation. » said Hijikata-san with calm.

_Yeah sure. Just like he was perfectly handling the situation last time in that alley. _

I turned away and got to my room. I removed my katana and wakizashi and grabbed my tanto that I passed in my obi before I exited the compound. I knew exactly where I had to go.


	41. Geiko

I exited the compound and went straight to Gion. Without my swords, I was feeling completely naked. I stationed myself near the okiya and saw that I had been faster than the woman. I saw her get in, in her palanquin, as if she was some kind of lord or something, and I stayed there, waiting for anything that could happen, Chizuru getting out, a man getting in... Anything. As a man, I couldn't get into the okiya uninvited and I had no illusions that the guards had already spotted me. It was late afternoon when I saw Chizuru and Toudou exit the okiya.

« Hisae ! » I called to him and he came closer, leaving Chizuru with their guard. Normally, they wouldn't have let him get away so easily but with all the guards present, I believe they thought that I wasn't a threat.

« Saito ! Don't come here ! You want to blow our cover ? » he said with a mix of anger and surprise.

« You have a kaiken ? » I asked him, ignoring the question.

« Yeah, in my obi, but... »

« Good. » I cut him « be ready to use it. »

His eyes widened and he gave me a puzzled look.

« What do you mean ? Have we been discovered ? Is Chizuru-chan in danger ?»

« The okiya master was at the compound today. She was talking about mizuage. » I explained.

« Oh. Well, she can try but I won't let her do it. » he said with volition.

« I agree. Try to find out the man who made the offer. Where are you working tonight ? » I asked.

« Same as usual, the Himawari tea house... »

« Alright. I'll be there. » I nodded.

« But Saito ! You can't get in there ! Is this really an order from Hijikata ? » he asked, panicked.

_To hell with Hijikata-san. _

I wasn't really thinking it, of course, the Shinsengumi was my everything. Yet, I had to do something for Chizuru. And if Hijikata-san wasn't willing to act, I had to do it myself. I left Toudou and walked all the way from Gion to Shimabara. Going to see Yuki after all these months and our last conversation had something strange. It sounded so much like a farewell and at that moment, I really thought it was one. But the gods worked in mysterious ways.

I entered the room and she greeted me with a wry smile.

« Welcome back, Saito-han. I missed our encounters. » she bowed.

« I came because I need your help, Yuki. » I said to not let the hope invade her heart.

« My help ? » she repeated, confused « what kind of help could you seek from an oiran like myself ? »

I sighed, knowing that the words which would get out of my mouth would be some that I would instantly regret. I knew Yuki and her enthusiasm...

« I need a disguise. Would you lend me a kimono ? » I asked.

Her eyes lit, limit predatory, and a laugh escaped her delicate lips.

« Just to be sure. You're asking for a woman kimono, right ? » she said, trying to keep her oiran mask.

I nodded.

« For... yourself ? » she asked.

I nodded again.

She guffawed loudly and took some time to calm herself. Some time that I didn't have. I had to find another plan. I stood up but she grabbed my sleeve.

« No, no, no ! This is so much fun, you're not going anywhere ! » she pulled on my arm to make me sit again. « Alright... My kimonos are gonna be too small for you... I should ask Kiku, she's the tallest. Can you wait a second ? »

I nodded and she stormed out of the room. She got back shortly after, carrying highly decorated kimonos in her hands.

« These are used, they were supposed to go to the laundry but this way, Kiku will not notice that one is missing. It's the property of the pleasure house you see, you'll have to give it back. » she sounded very serious.

« I will. » I just said and she knew I was telling the truth.

« Try them on. » she ordered.

I obeyed, trying them on top of my black kimono. Most of them were too open, showing the collarbone and very open behind the neck, it wouldn't work. During the entire time, Yuki was chuckling gently.

« Why so shy ? I've already seen you naked countless time, Saito-han. » she commented.

I ignored her and put down the last kimono.

« I need something less... suggestive... More in a Geiko style... » I muttered.

« These prudes... » she sneezed which disdain. « wait here, i'll see if I can get something else. »

Again, she left me alone and came back with another kimono. It was deep blue with a silver patern representing peacocks. The feathers of the peacocks were rising, proud. The obi with it was a very long and large one, silver like the patern. It was simple yet refined and perfect for the winter season. A geiko could wear it. I tried it on and it fitted perfectly to what I wanted. I nodded in agreement.

« Great ! » said Yuki, clapping her hands. « Now, hair and makeup. »

I frowned, I wanted to take care of that part myself, I just came here for the kimono. But I guessed having someone helping with my hair wouldn't be a bad idea, it wasn't like I could ask anyone at the compound, Hijikata-san would be furious. Anyway, Yuki didn't seem to be in the mood to listen to my objections and she was already behind me, trying to comb my hair.

« Gods... This is messy... Are you combing them sometimes, Saito-han ?! » as I wasn't answering, she continued « and you always tie them in the same way... You've got a lot of broken hairs here... You should try other hairstyles sometimes to not damage them always on the same spot... Poor mistreated hairs... What is Saito-han doing to you ? »

I remained silent and she turned my hair into a Geiko hairstyle like she had magic in her fingers. And with oil. A lot of oil. The scent was rather unpleasant. She then came in front of me for the makeup. She was totally absorbed by her task and I had all the time to look at her concentrated gorgeous face. I noticed the hairpin in her hair, the fox I offered her. It was still contrasting a lot with the ostentatious luxury of her other hairpins. She started with the white foundation then the lips but when she approached from my eyes, I took a step back.

« Wait. I'll do it myself. » I said in a voice that left no room for objections.

« But, you know, it's not that easy and you'll probably ruin my... Oh. Saito-han, I can guess quite easily that you've done this before. »

My hand wasn't trembling as I applied the red eyeshadow. Yuki was right, it wasn't the first time. When I fled from my home after the... incident... I dressed as a woman for a few weeks so that I would not be recognized and could escape easily. When Serizawa-san learned about it, he gave me a lot of spying missions in the Rōshigumi that requested to look like a woman, a geiko or even an oiran. Of course it was easier back then. I was eighteen and my features were less masculine than today. Now at twenty-two, I was grateful for all the heavy makeup that Yuki used. Without it, I could never pass for a woman.

I looked at myself in the mirror, I wasn't wearing the obi nor the blue kimono but Yuki came to put it on my shoulders.

« You look gorgeous. » she looked at my face for a second and added « hey, that blue kimono really highlights your eyes. »

_Seriously, why is everyone commenting on my eyes everytime I wear something else than my black kimono ?!_

I nodded and folded the kimono with the obi and a few hairpin she lent me. I hid the items in my own kimono and my sleeves but there was no way I could hide my face and hair. I thanked Yuki and exited the room, trying to be as silent and discreet as possible. But with a face like mine, it was impossible. I came across the path of the owner and she looked at me with puzzled eyes. I opened my mouth to say the first thing that came to my mind.

« I lost a bet with Yuki. »

The owner threw herself on the ground, bowing frenetically and apologizing.

« I'm so sorry, Okyaku-sama ! Yuki really has no manners, we are going to punish her hard ! You can count on us ! This behavior is unacceptable ! Please do not speak ill of our house ! She will be whipped ! »

I put my hand on her to ask her to stand up and I looked at her with an icy threatening gaze, despite my hair and makeup.

« If she is whipped, I'll know about it. And you wouldn't like me to know about it. She won't be punished. »

Her eyes widened and she nodded, probably thinking that I had some kind of weird fetish. Without another word, I got out of the pleasure house. I stopped in a back alley outside Shimabara and took everything I was hiding to put them on. Even after 4 years, I could remember quite well how to tie a woman obi. When I was ready, I took the direction of the Himawari tea house in Gion.


	42. Himawari

I walked quietly until I reached the Himawari teahouse. I hadn't been bothered by anyone even if I had no guards with me. I guess my eyes were pretty dissuasives. I had my brand new tanto hidden in the large silver obi and even if nobody could see it, they probably felt in their guts that coming near me would be a death wish. An assassin always had a special aura if he wanted to show it. And I wanted. I was so angry with the okiya master that I was nearly thirsty for blood.

I entered the place. It was a very nice tea house. The walls were painted in blue and yellow with cranes pattern, it almost looked like a palace. The subdued light gave to the room a peaceful athmosphere and I could hear the delicates notes of a shamisen playing in the background. I noticed Chizuru and Toudou with a Geiko entertaining some clients and I saw that the boy noticed me too. He was mouth agap, an almost stupid look on his face and I nodded. He excused himself to come near me.

« Sai... »

« Saiko. » I cut him, it wasn't a good idea to tell my name aloud here.

« Right. Saiko, what on earth are you doing here ?! » he whispered with a very angry voice.

« I'm working. » I replied politely.

« Don't play dumb with me ! » he yelled while still whispering. Quite a performance, if you ask me. « What are you really doing here ?! You're gonna blow everything ! »

« Could you get the name of the man who offered money for Ch... Yukimura ? » I asked, ignoring his question.

« Yeah... it's Yoshikawa-san. A pervert, if you ask me. He's nearly bald, about fifty years old and very affluent. He's like the « specialist » of mizuage around Kyoto. Only interested in very young women... » he said with embarrassment.

I looked around but saw no one corresponding to that description.

« He's not there yet. » explained Toudou.

I nodded and reported my attention on other men in the room. As I moved towards them to entertain them, I said to the maiko « Alright. Notify me with a nod if you see him. And do not tell Yukimura or anyone else, including Hijikata-san, that you saw me tonight. »

« Sai..ko, what are you planning to do ?! » he asked.

But I was already gone. I sat with the men with a generous but still chaste smile.

« Good evening gentlemen, may I entertain you tonight ? » I said with my best female voice. It wasn't easy, my natural one was very deep and I hadn't practiced in a while but they seemed to buy it and my work as a geiko started.

The movements and attitudes came back quite naturally. You're either a talented spy or you're not. And I was one. I performed a tea ceremony without hesitating once and then did some conversation. I was glad they didn't ask me to dance to the shamisen. I would have done it of course, but I wasn't really comfortable with my dancing abilities. My eyes were often getting back to Toudou and Chizuru. The woman hadn't lie. Chizuru was indeed a fast learner and she had all the grace and restraint suitable from a Geiko. Seeing her like this made me want to go at their table to be entertained by her but I couldn't. And I didn't want her to know that I was there. For the moment, she hadn't recognized me and I intended it to stay this way. I wouldn't like her to think that maybe I was here to spy on her. What could I say ? « _oh hi Chizuru, don't mind me. I'm just here to protect your virginity. » _Yeah, no. I'm not sure this would be a good idea.

A sign from Toudou made me change the target of my gaze. Yoshikawa-san had arrived. I nodded and excuse myself to the gentlemen who were with me to get to Yoshikawa's table. As Toudou told me, he was about fifty years old and nearly bald on the top of his head. His face was round with slanting eyes, nearly slits, and they were aiming at Chizuru. I felt my blood boil but I didn't show it. I sat at his table with a seductive grin and tried to feign interest via my gaze.

« May I join you ? » I asked with my most langid voice.

He statled and turned to me. I hadn't been very silent but he was looking at Chizuru with so much intensity that he hadn't heard me coming close. His gaze looked at me, up and down as if he was already stripping me in his mind. Pervert. _Ok now, blue eyes... Its time to do your job. _

My eyelashes fluttered, trying to get the best of my azur pupils but it didn't seem to have any effect on him. It was a little vexatious. I mean, my makeup and hair were perfect. If I had been a woman, I would have been pretty pissed by his attitude. He ignored me superbly and reported his attention on Chizuru, undressing her with his eyes.

« Ah... Yoshikawa-han... » I said in a shy voice full of disappointment « am I not pretty enough for you ? »

Again, he statled as if he had forgotten my very existence. He looked at me again, up and down, and replied with a deep voice full of disdain.

« You're too old. »

« That's not very nice... How old do you think I am ? » I said with a small shy smile.

« I don't know, twenty-five or something. »

« Oh... but I'm only nineteen... » I said with my eyes on the ground as if I had been hurt in my honor.

His attention came to me again and I hoped nineteen was young enough for him.

« Still too old. »

That one was a tough nut to crack. I had to change strategy.

« If you say so... » I said, still smiling. « I'm not here on my account anyway but for something a bit more important. » as he wasn't replying, I continued « mizuage. »

I finally got his full attention. « Are you talking about Chiyoko ?! » he asked and I could feel the thick lust in his voice. Disgusting.

« No, Yoshikawa-san. I'm talking about my personal maiko. She's like a little sister to me... Someone bought her mizuage but it is told in the okiya that you are the best at this task... » I saw a kind of proudness in his eyes and I knew I was winning « I don't want her to get hurt so I would prefer you to take care of her if you agree. »

« If she's already been sold, I don't want her. » he said with disdain.

« Oh but that's the reason I came. My okiya has decided but she's still virgin. You would do us a favor if you could take care of her before the ceremony... This way, we would be sure that she had been with the best for her actual first time. I have only but one request, do not mention it to my okiya... It has to be a secret between my maiko, you and me... » I bowed in servitude.

« Is your maiko here ? » he asked, his eyes wandering in the tea house.

« I told her to wait outside, Yoshikawa-san... We would like you to do it tonight so I came to ask you if you could honor her... You know how scary it can be for a young girl... She's only fourteen. »

His eyes lit with interest when he heard the age of my supposed maiko and he was nearly shaking in anticipation.

« All right, lead me to her. »

« Your wishes are my command, Yoshikawa-san » I bowed again. « This way, please. »

I exited the tea shop with Yoshikawa-san behind me and led him to an alley.

« So, where's your maiko ? » he asked, looking everywhere with eagerness.

I turned to him, unsheathed my tanto that was hidden in my obi and put it against his throat. His eyes widened in surprise and disbelief and I pressed the blade on his neck, making the crimson liquid pour a little.

« You will cancel your offer for Chiyoko's mizuage. » I told him with my normal voice, deep and toneless but still threatening.

« But... »

« There's no but. If you do not back off, I'll know it. And I'll come to make sure that you never defile a girl again. » I said harshly.

He nodded and I lowered my blade a little. Then, in a quick movement, I cut off his right ear. He screamed in pain but I put my hand on his mouth to muffle him.

« Just a reminder that I am not making any pleasantries. You touch her and I'm coming back for what hangs between your legs. » I said as I passed the blade slowly on his crotch.

He nodded again, unable to detach his eyes from mine and I sheathed back my tanto.

« Good. » I said before walking away, still in my Geiko outfit. He put both his hands on his wound and looked on the ground at his ear and stayed there, still not understanding what had happened to him.

I walked a while until I reached the Kamo river. I took all my clothes off and bathed to get rid of the oil in my hair and makeup on my face before going back to Shimabara. I needed to give back what Yuki lent me as soon as possible. And I could use a drink.


	43. Normal

March 1866

I wasn't proud of what I did back at Himawari teahouse. Especially chopping off that guy's ear. I guess imagining Chizuru in danger had awaken all the darkness lingering inside me. What I was glad for however, was that a few days after, the okiya master came back to tell Hijikata-san that she would not bear our two maiko anymore. Apparently, the bidder for mizuage backed off because some mysterious folk came threatening him and ended up mutilating him. This had to be someone from the Shinsengumi and therefore, we weren't welcome anymore. Luckily, Yoshikawa-san didn't give a full description of his assaillant. Hijikata-san, furious, asked to Souji, Harada and Nagakura to confess but none of them knew anything. He never suspected me once. Why should he ? I was the most devoted to the Shinsengumi and I didn't voice my opinion against the mizuage. Hijikata-san had to pron himself. The culprit wasn't a Shinsengumi member and it was a mere coincidence.

Everything came back to normal. Chizuru was back at the compound and my heart felt light again. I could have occasions to be with her again without being watching her in the shadows like some kind of creep. She came back to her old tasks like chores and first aid but I could see that she was relieved with it. I didn't have the occasion of speaking with her about it but Souji told me that she didn't really enjoy her time as a maiko spy. It was a bit strange to see her dressed as a boy again, wearing her hakama and tying her ponytail, after so much time wearing the finest kimonos and hairpins.

I saw her that afternoon, carrying some laundry and I walked to her.

« Yukimura » I saluted her « I'm going on a round. Do you wish to accompany me ? »

« Ah ! Yes ! Thank you, Saito ! » she said « Can you wait a minute ? I just have to bring these to the men. »

« Alright. » I answered before joining my men in the courtyard.

Thanks to my reports about Sannan's corp, I was back working in broad daylight with my unit. I found Tetsuya and the rest of my men in the entrance of the compound and as usual, Tairô handed me my blue haori. I put it on and waited for Chizuru. She arrived shortly after, running as if she was worried that we could go without her, and we started walking.

As usual, our rounds were pretty silent and we didn't talk much. She was walking besides me, ahead of the men and I would just have to extend my hand a little bit to grab hers but of course, I didn't. I couldn't. How much I wanted to was irrelevant. I saw that Chizuru was probably feeling the same way. I was keeping my eyes ahead of me but her hazel gaze was always getting back to me, rapidly, like a reflex, before looking in front of her again. After a while walking silently in the roads of Kyoto, I turned to my unit.

« I need to have an explanation with Hijikata-san's page. You all can go ahead. Tetsuya, you'll make me a full report of the round back at the headquarters. » I ordered.

« Hai ! Kumichô ! » he said, bowing, and they all walked pass us in a beautiful discipline without asking any questions.

I stayed there alone with Chizuru and I reported my attention on her.

« What do you want to talk about with me, Saito ? » she asked, puzzled.

« Walk with me. » I answered and I took a different road than the one we were always taking on rounds.

The snow was gone now. Not that it snowed a lot during the winter, we only had a few snowflakes but still, we could sense that spring was already on its way. When I estimated that we were far enough, I extended my hand to grab Chizuru's. She blushed like she always did. Would she one day be accustomed to my contact ? I wasn't sure and I didn't really want her to. Seeing her blush like this and knowing I was the cause of it had something extremely savory. I wondered how I'd feel if I saw her panting, crying in pleasure... I chased that thought away. Even if my mind was travelling to fantasy places, my feet led me exactly where I wanted to. It was a little tea house which Harada talked to me about.

« Would you like to go in ? » I asked Chizuru.

« Is it really reasonable ? » she asked in return « aren't they going to worry when they don't see us get back ? »

She had a point. We couldn't stroll for too long otherwise they would probably send a research team for us and explanations would have to be given.

« You're right » I sighed « wait here for a second, if you may. »

I got in the tea house and came back shortly after with a paper bag. Inside, there were two castellas. One classic and one with matcha flavor. I opened the paper bag and presented them to Chizuru.

« What are these ? » she asked, curious.

« Castellas. » I answered in my toneless voice. « I don't think you had the chance to taste it yet. »

A big genuine smile appeared on her face and she took the unflavored one and cut it in half before handing me the other half. I returned her smile and took it. I sensed the red invading my ears.

« it's delicious ! » she told me, biting in hers.

« Ha. Let's eat it on our way to the compound. » I said as I started walking.

« I never tasted something so... soft... before... » she said after her first bite.

« It's a treat brought by the portugeses. Speciality of Nagasaki so you cannot really find them in Kyoto normally. This place just opened this year so I wanted to try it. I heard it's very simple to make. It's only an egg, flour and mizu ame. The western use sugar instead of the mizu ame but I prefer the japanese style. »

She smiled even more and took another bite. She looked like she could explose in laughter at any moment.

« What is it ? » I asked.

« Nothing ! You're just talkative. » she saw me frown and her face became flustered « I don't complain ! It's just... it makes me think about when you were talking to me about swords. »

I smiled when I remembered that day, how she was laughing and how I was vexed before realizing that she actually understood what I meant.

« Pardon me for bothering you. » I said just like that day but this time, I was smiling.

« You're not. You really like food, don't you ? » she asked but she already knew the answer.

« Ha. » I nodded.

« Maybe if you weren't a bushi, you would have been a cook. » she said while taking another bite.

I furrowed my brows. That eventuality of being something else had never crossed my mind.

« As I already told you, cooking and the warrior's way have more in common than you may think. »

« I remember. » she nodded « following orders. »

_And manipulating sharp blades_.

« Ha. »

She finished her half and I gave her the other one, matcha flavored. She cut it in two again for us to share.

« This one is even better. » she said.

« The tea house had made quite a reputation from their castellas. I wanted to make them myself but I thought mines would probably be pale in comparison. I wanted you to taste the most savory ones. »

« Oh ! You don't have to get out of your way to make some for me ! » she blushed « I know how much work you have... »

« It wasn't a bother for me. Inoue told me. You've been away as a maiko for long and we missed your birthday in February. »

She became even more red.

« So... These are for my birthday ? You shouldn't have ! »

I showed her the half in my hand.

« I'm also born in February. Let's say it's for both our birthdays. With a little delay. »

She flashed me a giant genuine smile.

« Then, happy birthday Saito ! » she said.

« Happy birthday, Chizuru. »

« Can I ask how old you are ? » she asked with curiosity.

_That's funny. How can we love each other but know so little ? _

« Do I look old ? » I asked her with a smirk.

« I don't know, but at this instant, you look like Okita when he wants to make fun of me. » she pouted.

I let a small laugh escape my lips. Maybe she was right.

« I'm twenty two. » I answered.

« And I'm seventeen. » she smiled « not so far from each other. »

« I guess not. »

So I wasn't mistaken when I evaluated her age when I met her. She was fithteen then, well fourteen since it was January but this didn't really matters. How time could fly. She had been with us for two years now. I had been secretly with her for eight months. We exchanged two kisses. What kind of relationship was that ? Even if I knew the necessity of hiding, I couldn't help but feel guilt at the idea of my dishonorable behavior. She was seventeen now, perfect time for her to find a husband but I was making her wait for me. How long before I could marry her ? A year ? Two ? Ten ? What if I died before I could ? She would have been wasting years of her youth.

« Chizuru, forgive me my behavior. » I told her abruptly.

« What behavior, Saito ? » she asked, puzzled.

« I'm keeping you waiting, perhaps for a day that will never come. I need you to make me a promise. »

« What kind of promise ? »

I turned to her and met her chestnut eyes filled with love, will and dedication.

_Gods, this is gonna be hard... _

« I don't know when I could set you free from the secrecy. I need you to promise me that you won't waste your life away on my account. »

« What... What do you mean ? » she asked with confused and scared eyes.

« Do not throw your life away for me. You owe me nothing. If you get an opportunity for a better life, take it. Please Chizuru, I need you to promise me you won't be living a vain life because you spent it waiting for me. »

She stopped and for the first time, I saw an expression I never saw on her face before. Was it... anger ?

« I won't promise you that. I've never met someone that I loved enough to imagine spending my whole live with him until I met you. I know that I have to be patient and I know we can't let the others know about us. I know we have to hide and I know how much you feel like it's despicable to live this dishonorable life. But to me, my honor is safe. I have the chance of loving and be loved by the most talented and caring swordsman I know. I don't care how long it will take before you consider our relationship honorable. As long as you love me, let me walk by your side. Even if it's in the shadows. Even if you can never marry me. I want to be with you. »

My heart skipped a beat at her confession. I never expected she could come into the open like this. She was always so shy and kind to everyone but the Chizuru I had in front of me was a bold, strong one. And the confession she just delivered to me was the most heartfelt words I ever heard, as if she had delivered her heart to me. Deep inside, it was what I had wanted to hear all along. I couldn't prevent myself from regretting that our relationship was so flawed but in the meantime, her words made me feel like it was acceptable to have the selfish wish that she would wait for me eternally.

« Chizuru... » I whispered softly.

Unable to express my feelings by words, I leaned forward to deposit a small kiss on her lips and she met me halfway, turning my gentle kiss into a passionate one. I could nearly hear her thoughts as if she was yelling them in my ears.

_« I love you. »_

I parted her lips to explore her mouth. My tongue find hers and they danced together as we were both gasping for air but refusing to let go.

_« I will never leave you. » _

My hands came combing in her hair, furiously, making the kanzashi tying them fall on the ground. Her hair came circling her face, freely, and I took a strand in my fingers to play with it while my other hand traveled down her back to find her curve, pulling her closer.

_« I will walk alongside you, whatever path you must take_. »

My kiss deepened and I bit on her lower lip, gently, before my mouth came wondering on her neck, kissing, biting. A surprised moan escaped her and made me snap back to reality. I detached myself from her abruptly and the blush invaded my cheeks in both shame and desire.

« Chi...Chizuru, I... Sorry ! » I stuttered stupidly, trying to look at anything but her swollen and ajar lips and the little red mark on her neck that I just did. That was close. A few more seconds and I could have lost my mind completely.

_Shit. No way this could be unnoticed. Well done, Hajime. Perfect. _

I removed my white scarf from my neck and handed it to her, still blushing.

« You... Should probably hide your neck... » I muttered in embarrassment.

She nodded and took it as I crouched on the ground to grab her kanzashi and tie her ponytail. She put my scarf on and I arranged it to be sure that my mark couldn't be seen. I would have to find an explanation about why she was wearing it but I prefered to explain the scarf rather than the love bite.

« We're probably late. » I said.

« Let's go back then. » she answered and we started walking again in the direction of the headquarters.


	44. Scarf

When we arrived at the headquarters, I saluted her politely before getting back to my men. As requested, Tetsuya made me a full report of the round but nothing really of importance had occurred. The eyes of the members of my unit were going to Chizuru, probably curious about what I must have told Hijikata's page. Had I been scolding him ? Was it about discipline ? Did he break the Code ? Questions were howling in their gaze but I didn't have nor the envy nor the necessity to explain myself. I thanked my second for the report and went straight to my room. I was thinking about meditating a bit to calm myself from what the kiss had awaken in me but Souji entered directly after me, ruining my plans.

« Ara, good afternoon, Hajime-kun. » he said with a smirk and I knew already that I wasn't going to enjoy that conversation.

« Souji. » I replied politely.

« Guess what ? I just saw Chizuru-chan coming back from a round. And she was wearing something that I found rather unsettling. »

_Here we are. Straight to the point. I can't do anything without you noticing, can I ? _

« I see. » I just said and I feigned disinterest.

« Yeah, she was wearing a white scarf that looked exactly like yours... But I thought, no way, that can't be Hajime-kun's. Why would he give her his scarf ? He basically never takes it off... But now I'm here,I can't help but wonder... Where's your scarf, Hajime-kun ? »

I sighed and met Souji's playful emerald gaze aiming directly at me, like a cat playing with a prey before killing it.

« Around Yukimura's neck. » I said calmly since the answer was so obvious that I couldn't really avoid it.

« I wonder why is that, though... » he muttered with a grin « what could possibly be the reason for her to wear it... »

« She was cold near the Kamo. It's always a bit more windy near the river. I lent it to her for a moment and forgot to take it back. » I lied.

« Is that so... I'm so disappointed... » but his voice was teasing and not expressing disappointment at all « I thought that maybe she could be hiding something interesting underneath... She was blushing red... »

« Frostbite I guess. »

« In March ? With the weather getting better ? Maybe... » he paused, probably waiting for me to say something else but I didn't « anyway, there's a meeting, you should come in the common room. »

« Alright. » I acknowledged and I followed him outside.

When I entered, everyone was gathered, including Chizuru who was giving cups of hot tea to everyone. When she came closer to us, Souji grabbed her arm.

« Hey Chizuru-chan ! Are you feeling ok ? » he asked her.

« Yes, thank you Okita. » she replied politely, perplexed.

« Oh great. So if you're not cold anymore, maybe you could give his scarf back to Hajime-kun. » he grinned.

I nearly spitted my tea and I saw Chizuru's eyes looking at me, seeking help.

« It's alright, Yukimura. You can give it back to me another time. » I told her in my toneless voice.

« But if she's healthy, there's no reason for her to keep it... » objected Souji.

His grin was mischievous. Hiding something to Souji had always been a real challenge but today, he was even worse than usual. The other captains, hearing the dialogue, reported their attention on us, wondering why Chizuru wasn't taking my scarf off and why I lent it to her in the first place.

« Alright. » she said and she took her hands to her neck to remove the scarf. My eyes dropped on the floor. I didn't want to see the eyes on me when they'll notice the red and purple love bite ornamenting her neck.

« Thank you for your scarf, Saito. » she told me, handing me the white fabric.

I grabbed it and waited for the others to react but nothing came. I lifted my eyes to look at Chizuru and saw that her skin was immaculate. I was pretty sure that the treatment I gave her neck should have left a less temporary mark. Had I dreamt it ? Or did I bite with more restraint than I thought ? Anyway, that was unexpected but relieving. I put my scarf back around my neck and met Souji's pout, filed with disappointment.

« Ara... I really thought something interesting was hiding underneath... I guess you'll stay a coward forever then. » he whispered to me.

« I'm not a coward. » I said in a harsh voice and he shrugged with disinterest.

« I wonder if I will have the chance to see you two together before dying » he said.

« Souji, don't say that. » I scolded.

He knew that I was aware of his illness, alongside Hijikata-san, Kondou-san ans Yamazaki. But joking on it like this was something I couldn't bear. That was the moment Hijikata-san chose to storm in the room followed by Kondou-san.

« Sakamoto is back in Kyoto. » he said without even saluting us.

« I thought he was in Satsuma working under the command of Katsu-sama ? » asked Toudou with a puzzled look.

« We don't really know. We have a lot of contrary intels. He's supposed to work in Satsuma with Katsu-sama but also meet with a lot of Satsuma, Tosa and Choshu officials. » explained Kondou-san « and he's been seen in Kyoto with helmsmen of these clans. »

« These are all clans opposed to the shogunate. » said Nagakura « it's clear that he's up to no good. »

« And Kyoto is under our jurisdiction » added Harada with frowned eyebrows « Let's round up and show him who we are. »

« We can't. » sighed Kondou-san « the Aizu told us not to touch Sakamoto. We mustn't act rashly. »

« Even if we don't act, the Mimawarigumi is already on the move anyway. » sighed Hijikata-san.

« So we just sit on our asses and wait for them to steal the glory ?! » asked Nagakura, furious.

« No. We are going to rescue Sakamoto. » said Hijikata-san calmly.

The commotion in the room was deafening. No one could believe what the vice-commander just said.

« Toshi, you can't be serious ! » yelled Souji « everything points at him being an enemy of the shogunate ! »

« If the Mimawarigumi gets to him, relations between the Aizu and the Tosa will become hell. And in the best scenario, we could exchange informations about the Satsuma and the Choshu against his protection. » explained Hijikata-san.

« I see. This sounds reasonable. » agreed Nagakura.

« You're a real snake sometimes, Hijikata, but damn if you don't get stuff done... »

Hijikata-san ignored superbly Souji's snide comment and turned to Chizuru. I was starting to not like this at all.

« Yukimura, you're going to help. » said Hijikata-san, to my surprise.

« M...Me ? » she asked in disbelief.

« That's right. » he confirmed « Sakamoto won't listen no matter what we say to him but he might give you a chance. »

Thinking of last year's Gion festival, I wasn't really enticed by the idea of having Sakamoto and Chizuru together in the same room. This man was a flirt and his clear interest in Chizuru was making my blood boil in jealousy but I stayed silent. Orders were orders. And orders were above feelings of any kind. After a brief look in my direction, Chizuru shook her head in agreement.

« Understood. »

« Thank you, Yukimura. » said Kondou-san with a genuine smile « I'm gonna head to the Aizu to inform them on our plans. »

« I'm going with Kondou. » said Souji with a kid's smile.

« You don't get to pick where you want to go, Souji. » objected Hijikata-san.

« I don't care about Sakamoto, he doesn't care about us. I don't want to risk my neck for his. » said Souji in a harsh voice.

« All right, I'll take Souji with me. » said Kondou-san before the situation could escalate.

« You always go so easy on him... » muttered Hijikata-san but he didn't object. « Harada, Shimada. You stay at the compound. All the others, prepare yourself and everyone meets up at the entrance of the compound when she sun gets down. Do not wear your haori. Dismiss. »

I didn't need any preparation so I went outside to practice a little before the departure. At sundown, I met with Hijikata-san, Chizuru, Nagakura and Toudou outside the compound. Yamazaki went ahead of us and was supposedly waiting for us outside Teradaya, where Sakamoto was stationed. We ran in the streets of Kyoto to get to Fushimi but Chizuru was a bit behind, panting.

« Are you okay, Yukimura ? You seem to be out of breath. » I asked her.

« It's... okay... » she panted but she kept running.

« It's just up ahead » yelled Nagakura to her from the front of our group « we need to get there before the Mimawarigumi. »

She nodded, breathless, and didn't stop. Shortly after, we arrived at Teradaya. Yamazaki approached us and informed us that the magistrate nor the Mimawarigumi were there already. Hijikata-san ordered me to accompany him to stall them and Chizuru stayed with Toudou and Nagakura to get Sakamoto to safety.

We met with the Mimawarigumi soon enough and tried to prevent them from storming the Teradaya but they were well trained and numerous. I found Nagakura and Toudou outside the inn.

« Where's Yukimura ? » I asked them.

« She went inside with Yamazaki. » Nagakura answered as I looked at the soldiers getting in. I followed them without a second thought.

« Saito ! Come back here. » yelled Hijikata-san in his commanding voice and my body froze before I turned back to the vice-commander.

« Yamazaki and Yukimura are going to come back. We can only wait. » he told me and I nodded.

« Here ! They're on the roof ! » I heard some soldiers yell and I lifted my eyes.

_Chizuru !_

I clenched my fists, powerless. She was on the roof with Sakamoto and some soldiers. Gunshots were exchanged. She could fall or get a bullet at anytime. I saw her be distracted by something and then disappear from the roof with Sakamoto. After a few minutes that felt like hours, I saw Yamazaki coming our way.

« Fukuchô, I distracted the soldiers. Yukimura fled with Sakamoto. » he reported to the vice-commander.

« Good. Where are they ? »

« I... don't know, Fukuchô. » said Yamazaki and I felt color leaving my face.

« What do you mean, you don't know ? » asked Hijikata-san, frowning.

« I haven't given full instructions to Yukimura. I suppose they got back to the compound... »

But when we arrived, Chizuru was nowhere to be found. I turned away, ready to scout all of Kyoto's streets if I needed to.

« Saito ! Where are you going ?! » asked Hijikata-san. « I sent both Yamazaki and Shimada already ! »

« I'll find her. » I said calmly and the resolve was burning so intensely in my eyes that he didn't try to stop me.


	45. Fear

She was probably abducted. Sakamoto told her in Gion he'd like to spend more time with her. And, without a chaperone. I had the intense feeling that she was in danger. I was experiencing fear for the first time since a long, long time. I was running in Kyoto methodically : First the big axes and the alleys adjoining, then further and changing of square. No place was left unsearched. I stormed into every shop still opened, every tea house... And I couldn't find her. I was desperate. Where could she be ? After the neighborhoods of the Nishi-Honganji, I tried the center, around the imperial palace, the Nijojô, the temples... I then went around Gion and followed the Kamo with apprehension, hoping not to find her floating in there. I then tried Shimabara and got into every pleasure house, from simple prostitutes to oirans.

The night was advanced already and the roads were less crowded, helping my endless search. If I came across Sakamoto, he would be a dead man. Even if it could bring hellfire to both the Tosa and Aizu domains.

My feet were hurting, my breath short, my chest on fire but it couldn't stop me from running. I felt like a headless chicken, running madly without getting any orders from the brain. My mind was only focused on finding her, my feet moving on their own volition.

I went back all the way to Fushimi, out of breath and I couldn't care less for all the imperialists in the building of the Teradaya. I began climbing it and found the opening in the roof from where Sakamoto and Chizuru escaped. I got down to get to Sakamoto's bedroom, hand on my katana but I found it empty.

Desperation hit me like a fist in the stomach. Where could she be ?  
I exited Teradaya the same way I entered, unnoticed, and back in the streets, I tried to think of a place I might have forgotten but nothing came to mind. It left only one possibility, they left Kyoto. I started running again through Fushimi but when I was exiting the city I heard my name from afar.

« Saito ! »

It was Shimada, panting and running my way. I stopped my course to let him catch up with me.

« Saito. I've been scouting all town for you. We have Yukimura. She's safe and back to the compound. »

The fear was still clinging to my heart but the relief was stronger. I nodded to Shimada and turned my feet, taking the direction of the Nishi-Honganji.

« Saito ! Wait ! Would you mind walking please ? » I heard Shimada yell behind me.

I slowed down and waited for him. When he was nearby, we walked together quietly. He wasn't wrong, stopping my frantic race made me realize how much it had exhausted me.

« Is Sakamoto with her ? » I eventually asked.

« No. He had been shot and Yukimura helped him get to the Satsuma domain for first aid. According to her and to Yamazaki, who was the one to find her, Sakamoto didn't want her to perform first aid on his body so she had no choice. It was either this or letting him die. »

_She should have chosen the other solution. _

But instead of saying this, I nodded. It was not surprising coming from Chizuru. She was the daughter of a doctor and she valued life, the one of a friend just like the one of a foe. She would help anyone if she could.

We got back to the compound to be greeted by Hijikata-san's furrowed brows but his expression softened when he saw that we were both safe. He turned away and got back in his office and I went to my room. When I approached, I saw with surprise that the light was on inside and I could see a silhouette lying on my futon.

_Chizuru ?_

I opened the shoji to sigh at the sight of Souji sleeping on my futon. I sat next to him, wondering if I should let him sleep or kick him away.

« Souji. » I said softly.

If it hadn't worked, I would have gone sleeping in his bedroom, but it worked. He opened his eyes, at first confused, then smiled at me.

« Hey... Good morning. »

« It's still the night. » I answered as he sat up.

« Yeah... I wanted to wait for you to return but I fell asleep. »

I nodded. Souji had been sleeping more and more with his illness eating him away. It wasn't really surprising.

« Chizuru-chan is back. » he told me in a sleepy weak voice.

« I know. »

« Yamazaki found her. »

« I know. »

« Aren't you disappointed ? » he asked me.

« Why ? »

« Because you weren't the one to find her. »

« It's irrelevant. She's safe, it's the only thing that matters. » I stated.

« Suits yourself. It is said that the chase is better then the catch, anyway. » he said with a smirk, falling back on the futon.

I didn't answer and saw that he was on the verge of falling asleep again.

« Souji, let me help you to your room. » I said softly.

« I'm fine... » he replied, sitting up again. « I'm just... » he fell back « Borrowing your futon for tonight. If that's ok with you. »

« Ha. » I nodded « sleep well, Souji. »

I exited my room, tired from my mad run around Kyoto and worried about my best friend. I hadn't realize his illness was so advanced. His body was still pretty in shape though. When you looked at him, you couldn't guess he was a dying man but his behavior tonight showed that he didn't have much left. It was a matter of months now before his condition wouldn't allow him to get out of bed.

I started walking in direction of Souji's room which was pretty close to mine but I changed my mind and went to the back of the temple, not far from the Rasetsu headquarters. I stopped in front of Chizuru's room and looked around me. Everything was quiet, the Rasetsu were out on their rounds and the rest of the compound was asleep. I called her name in a low voice, nearly a whisper.

« Yukimura. »

I used her surname in case someone was listening. I wasn't sure what I was doing here and maybe she was asleep anyway, but I missed her and had been so afraid for her that I needed to see her right now. A visceral need in me awoke. I needed to see with my own eyes that she was well and unhurt. As she wasn't responding, I sighed and started to turn over when the shoji slighy opened.

« Saito ! » she whispered in surprise.

She was only wearing a nagajuban, white but thick, so it wasn't see-through at all, and her hair were loose, circling her face and cascading on her shoulders.

« May I come in ? » I asked her, aware that it was an unseemly request.

She nodded and opened the wooden panel in full to let me in before closing it.


	46. Futon

She lit a candle. Her room was very simple. Naked walls, no decorations at all, a simple cupboard and her futon. Usually, girls room, well the one I visited at least, were a lot more decorated with objects, ukiyo-e, hanging scrolls... and a ton of accessories on the cupboard. But that wasn't surprising. Chizuru was a guest in the Shinsengumi and moreover, she had to pretend to be a boy. She couldn't really decorate her room according to her tastes.

« Blow the candle. » I asked her.

I couldn't afford to have anyone outside notice two silhouettes in Hijikata-san's page's room. Her face was flustered but she obeyed immediately and we were plunged in the dark. I could barely divine her contour and her, mines, while we waited a bit for our eyes to be accustomed to the darkness.

« What.. are you doing here, Saito ? » she asked me in a puzzled voice.

Even if I couldn't see her face, I could hear her confusion and I could decipher quite easily that she was blushing red, probably looking at the floor shyly and playing with her hands in nervousness. The scent of spices so characteristic of her body was everywhere, heady and strong. I could smell it coming from her, the tatami, her futon and her nagajuban which was the only obstacle between me and her skin.

« Souji's asleep in my futon. » I explained as if it was enough of a justification.

« O... Okay... » she stuttered and I couldn't help but find it adorable.

« Are you alright ? » I asked her bluntly « Did Sakamoto hurt you ? »

« No... He was... Very kind. I'm sorry I couldn't bring him back here... » she apologized and she seemed to relax a little with the changement of subject.

« Good. » I told her « I'm glad to see you safe. »

The silence invaded the room once more. None of us was moving and I could hear Chizuru's breathing. It was calm, yet, it still contained a bit of stress. I heard her swallow her saliva before she took a deep breath and broke the silence.

« You... Want to sleep here ? » she asked shyly.

There it was. The question I wanted her to ask. I couldn't possibly impose my presence on her. It would have been unseemly of me. But if she was the one proposing it, then I could accept without breaking any honor code.

« If you would have me. » I answered.

« Yeah... Sure... My futon isn't large though, I don't know if you'll be able to sleep well. » she stuttered again, tensed.

« I'm lucky to be one of the smallest captains, then. » I said, attempting to joke to make her relax.

« I... I guess... » she answered shyly, not at all getting the joke.

Nevermind. I hadn't been much of a joker in the past and I could understand that she could be unsettled. For her, it was probably the first time she shared her futon with a man. I remembered that Hijikata-san mentioned that she wasn't a virgin but he probably lied to call off the mizuage. Chizuru's behavior tonight was far too innocent for her to be anything but a virgin. In a way, I kind of regretted it. I wasn't the kind of man to take proudness into being the first. On the contrary, I prefered not to be. First time for girls was often synonymous with pain and I didn't like the idea of being the cause of it. Plus, if she weren't a virgin, I wouldn't have any remorses taking her right here, right now.

I removed my swords and my scarf but I left my kimono on. I untied my ponytail and laid on the futon while Chizuru was still sitting on the tatami, not sure what to do.

« Come here. » I told her, trying to have a tone as gentle as possible.

She hesitated and so, I grabbed her hand to reassure her.

« I'm not going to dishonor you. » I said « we are only going to sleep. If you don't feel comfortable though, I can go, if you wish me to. »

She relaxed a bit and I pulled gently on her hand to guide her towards the futon. She slid to it and laid besides me. Her body was contracting in anxiety and with my eyes now accustomed to the darkness, I could see that her gaze was fixed on the ceiling. Even if the futon was narrow, she did her best to avoid any physical contact with me and I couldn't help but find it adorable and at the same time, be a little bit disappointed.

When she relaxed her muscles, I passed my arm around her, slowly, and tried my best not to let my hands wander to unseemly places. She turned to me and eventually came closer, nesting her head in my neck. Without my scarf, I could feel her hot breath on my sensitive skin and it gave me goosebumps. I tried to part her knees with mine and felt a bit of resistance so I gave a small kiss on her forehead and my fingers came slowly combing in her hair to make her feel more at ease and she allowed my knee to get between hers. My second arm came under her body to pull her closer.

Our legs were entwined, my arms around her and her head in my neck, breathing hot air that could drive me crazy if I didn't have an iron will. I could also feel her hands, little fists against my chest, like if she didn't know what to do with them and was scared to move. Her thick nagajuban's obi was a bit loosened and I had to use all my volition to not part the edges with a simple agile finger. I stayed that way with my nose in her hair, smelling the spices, until I felt her fall asleep in my arms. I needed to savor this moment and I knew that no matter how tired I was, I couldn't sleep that night. I couldn't tell her that I wasn't as strong as she thought I was. I had been so afraid of loosing her... And the sight of Souji's decay also added to my anguish. With or without her, I knew that I wouldn't have been able to sleep but at least, with her in my arms, I was able to relax eventually. Her scent, her steady respiration, the heat of her body... All these were calming and comforting me more than anything else I could have tried.

When the morning came, I got out without waking her up. I stealthily grabbed my scarf and swords and opened slightly the shoji without a noise. I got out and closed it, looking around me for any witnesses but it seemed like I was alone. It was still very early so that wasn't surprising. I noticed that I was only wearing my sockets and sighed when I realized that I left my sandals outside like an idiot for anyone to see. I've been lucky to get out this early. I started walking at a quick pace to get away from Chizuru's bedroom as quickly as I could.

« Oy ! Saito ! »

_Shit. Only one soul could be up at that time. _

I turned to see Inoue waving at me from afar. As he came close, I saw that he looked puzzled, as if there was something wrong with me.

« What are you doing here ? » he asked me with a genuine smile.

« I went to see Sannan. » I lied.

The Rasetsu quarters were close by. I thought it was the better option I could choose.

« But... Sannan's with Hijikata-san right now... » he frowned.

« That explains why I couldn't find him. » I answered, unfazed. « Thank you. »

And without another word, I took the direction of Hijikata-san's office. When Inoue was out of sight, I changed my direction to go in the courtyard and repeat my moves. From where I was, I could see the entrance of my room and so, I waited for Souji to wake up. The hours passed and the compound began to get busier but my room kept closed. Souji was really sleeping like a log... Tuberculosis shouldn't be easy to cope with for someone as active as he was.

« Saito ! » called Toudou from afar « breakfast ! »

« Ha. » I answered, putting my sword back in my scabbard. I went to the dining room to find the others and got greeted by two sparkling emerald eyes and a grin.

« Good morning, Hajime-kun. » said Souji playfully.

That was odd. I didn't see him leave my room this morning.

« Where did you sleep ? » I asked him with my toneless, emotionless voice.

« In my room, what question. Just after you left, I felt miraculously better and got back to my bedroom. » he chuckled « true question is, where did YOU sleep ? I didn't see you there... How uncanny... »

_You snake... You took advantage of your progressive illness to make me believe you were unwell... I should have kicked you out of my futon as soon as I found you. _

« I didn't. » I answered, impassive. « I got out for a walk. »

« Until morning ? » he chuckled.

« It was a long walk. »

« No doubt. Must have been exhausting. How was it ? »

« What ? » I asked, feeling my ears getting red under Souji's gaze and arranging my hair to hide them.

« Your walk. »

« Pleasant. Peaceful. »

« Not wild and torrid then ? » he asked playfully « I wonder how you could have lost your kanzashi then... Except a few times after you lost it in raging battle, I think it's quite rare to see you without a ponytail... »

I touched my hair and realize they were totally loose, cascading on my back. Now my ears were burning.

« Unsettling. » I said « I hadn't realized. »

« Hum hum... » he chuckled again. He paused for a moment and came closer to whisper in my ear « So... how does it feels like to spend the night with Chizuru-chan ? »

I swallowed my miso soup and turned my furious gaze to Souji. I wasn't in the mood for his pleasantries.

« Don't try the icy blue eyes with me, Hajime-kun. Your face is burning red, that's just not credible. »

At this moment, Chizuru entered the room for breakfast and I wanted to yell to her to go away quickly before Souji notice her.

« Ara, Chizuru-chan ! You slept well ? » he asked her and Chizuru's face blushed instantly red. Souji turned back to me, triomphant. « All right, now that you both look like tomatos, are you gonna tell me or should I ask her ? »

I put my chopsticks down and sighed in surrender.

« Alright. What do you want to know ? »

« Did you have sex with her ? How was it ? Is she the loud type ? » he whispered so that the other captains couldn't hear him.

« I didn't, we just slept. » I answered.

« Liar. »

« Sorry to disappoint you. » I replied, sipping my miso soup.

« Not even a little ? I mean, just touching... »

« You're being nosy. But no, as I said, we slept. »

« The second best swordman here is also the biggest coward... » he muttered in disappointment. « How long have you been hiding it ? »

« Since July. » I answered.

« Really ?! » he yelled before realizing that everyone was looking at him and he went back to whispering. « How could you do this to me ?! »

« Precisely because of that. » I sighed.

« Well I guess I can't be mad at you, it indeed was a smart move... So you've been with her since july and... nothing ? Don't tell me you're waiting for your wedding night or something, you're gonna make me puke. » he said, inserting two fingers in his open mouth.

« I'll wait the time that is necessary. » I answered. It was the perfect one, it could mean anything.

« Alright... Always so uptight, Hajime-kun... Full of principles that will led you only to regrets on your dying bed. And believe me, I know what I'm talking about. »

« Souji, please don't. » I sighed.

« I'll keep your secret. » he winked « I have the feeling that this in going to be particularly entertaining. »

I reported my attention on my food and stayed silent. I hoped that Souji was capable of keeping this kind of secret. One snide comment and everyone could know and then, what could happen to the peacefulness of our headquarters ?


	47. Instructor

April 1866

After the disaster of our capture of Sakamoto, Hijikata-san finally understood that having Chizuru as a spy wasn't the brightest idea and he decided to assign her somewhere else. He asked Yamazaki and her to exchange their knowledge about western and eastern medecine. She wasn't a doctor, of course, but the little she knew, she shared with enthousiasm. And as for Yamazaki, his family used to be pharmacists and he had a lot of knowledge about chinese medecine. I could often see them together outside with some books, talking about how they could use it to cure something. She had also been assigned to take care of Souji's health but he wasn't really willing to make her task easier. She wasn't allowed to enter his room and he often was sending back his meals without even touching them. Sometimes, she could manage to find something he really liked and get him to feed himself but that wasn't every meal and worse, it wasn't everyday. Souji's health was beginning to decline and everyone could see that he had thinned. His body was less muscular than it once was and even if he was still trying to train everyday, he wasn't getting his muscles back. His cheeks, originally full, were now carved, and even his emerald eyes were less shiny than they used to be.

With all this, Chizuru had her hands full. She was still doing a lot of chores around the compound but her other obligations forced her to ask for help from the men and the captains and so, the chores were better assigned too.

As I was walking passed them, Chizuru and Yamazaki greeted me politely and I nodded. Still with a book in hand, Yamazaki was explaining to Chizuru the benefit of acupuncture on the body as a whole, how it could cure disease but also relieve stress and anxiety. Chizuru was particularly enthusiastic and I felt a bit sad not to have any peculiar knowledge to share with her. I continued my route towards the dojo where I was supposed to instruct some men. Hijikata-san ordered me to join Harada and Nagakura as instructor to release Souji from this obligation and making him rest some more. At first, Souji erupted into anger but now, he accepted it.

« Wait ! Saito ! » I heard Chizuru yell.

I turned over to see her and Yamazaki running toward me.

« What is it ? » I asked.

« Could you try to get Okita away from his room ? We need to do a big cleanup but he wouldn't let us in and wouldn't do it himself. » she frowned.

I sighed. Matsumoto-sensei had explained Souji countless times already that the only way he could be treated would be with rest and a clean environment. Souji insisted to stay at the compound but he wasn't following Matsumoto-sensei's orders about the cleanliness and freshness of his room and so, we had to use these kind of stratagems to clean for him.

« Understood. » I said before heading to Souji's room.

I announced myself before entering to find Souji leaning on a wall, reading a book with a smirk.

« Why do I get the pleasure of your visit ? » he asked me.

« I'm going to a training session at the dojo as instructor. I could use some guidance. » I said calmly.

« Yeah, you probably are gonna scare them away if i'm not there. You're not the most patient man I know when it comes to swordsmanship. » he said, hiding the book under his futon.

« Look who's talking » I smiled « You have quite a reputation as instructor too, Souji... »

« Maybe if they were better, they'd get less hurt » he shrugged with a smirk.

« Right, let's go. » I escaped a small laugh.

He got up and followed me to the training room. I had fithteen students today. I was a bit late and so, they were already waiting for me in seiza in perfect columns of five. The ones who practiced with me were expected to have this kind of discipline. I would not accept students leaning on a wall panel or reunited in groups while they waited. I recognized Tairô, the youngest of my unit, who had never been missing an Iai lesson since I've been promoted instructor. I positioned myself in front of them and bowed to them. They bowed too, their katana lying on the tatami in front of them.

« Thank you, Kumichô ! » they said, at the same time.

« Thank you for being here. » I replied.

We all stood up and I put my swords on my left side like a right-handed for the course. We started with some simple exercises. Souji was leaning on the wall, arms crossed. When they were ready, we continued with some basic iai.

« No. » I said while sighing « your hips must do all the work. Not your arms. Look. »

I grabbed my katana on my left side, left knee on the front and pushed back my hips to help me unsheathe. I cut the air taking a step forward and bringing my hips to the front.

« See ? Hips get back to unsheathe then, they come to the adversary while stepping forward to gain strength and rapidity. Now you do it. »

I walked around the men to look at their movements but it wasn't brilliant.

« No. » I told one of them, correcting his posture. « When you unsheathe, your katana must be flat, the sharpe edge on the outside. Otherwise, if you keep it the normal way, with the rapidity of the movement, you could cut your own ear off. » he positioned his katana flat and unsheathed. « Better. You unsheathe flat, you sheath flat. Like this »

I showed him the correct movement and he mimicked it. I nodded and turned to the others. They were all doing the same mistake.

« Stop. » I told them « we are going to unsheathe and sheath until you can do it right. »

They all obeyed and I went from one to another to correct their movement one by one. When I was satisfied, they moved on to another exercise, the cut I showed them at the beginning. In the corner of my eye, I saw Souji, probably bored, starting to move to get out. I wasn't sure Yukimura and Yamazaki had finished with the cleaning so I stopped him.

« For the next movement, I need to show you a real situation. Souji, would you mind, please ? »

He turned over with a smirk and came closer.

« I thought you'd never ask. » he said playfully.

« Good. I need you to try and grab my sword. » I said calmly.

Souji stayed in front of me, taunting me and in a swift movement, he tried to get my katana. In a blink, my blade was on his neck just like I did with Chizuru two years ago.

« Alright. Seen what happened here ? » I asked the men but they all shook their head. I had been too quick. « First, I turn. » I explained, doing the movements very slowly as I was explaining them. « Instead of bringing my left hand, sorry, my right hand, on the katana, I bring the katana on my hips to my right hand. Then, I grab my katana but not on the top like we're used to but by underneath. I unsheathe flat. And i strike with my elbow. » I put my blade back on Souji's neck. « The katana must be like the prolongation of the line from my hand to my elbow. » I sheathed and turn to the men. « Understood ? »

« Hai ! Kumichô ! » the replied.

« Do it. » I said and I turned to Souji while they were all at it. « Thank you. »

« You're welcome. » he smiled « although I would have prefered a real duel. »

« Maybe next time. » I smiled in return as I noticed Chizuru's head pass the shoji with a nod to inform me they had finished.

Souji stayed during all the practice session though and I even saw him practice a little of iai discretely. He always told me that he wasn't interested in something else than the Tennen Rishin Ryû of Kondou-san but he couldn't help but try new things when he could get the chance. I knew he would never change his style, whatever he could learn, but knowledge was power. With a bit of knowledge of iai technics, he could find ways to dodge them. That was the true spirit of a warrior, learn from your enemies. Chizuru, who was looking from afar also tried to get in the course. It wasn't that easy but she managed just fine and I felt proudness from her progresses. The course finished, we parted way. Souji had a round with Toudou and I saw them go along with Chizuru, still looking for her father after all those years. I looked at them going away under the first cherry blossoms of the season and lifted my head up to look at this gorgeous sight, lost in my thoughts.

**Hi everyone, before the next chapter, I will do a quick Questions and Answers so if you have any questions about my story, feel free to comment them or PM me. The QA will be released with an actual chapter so if you are not interested, you could jump it. **


	48. Sakura

**The song I mention in this chapter does exist. It's a traditional folk song named Sakura Sakura. You can find countless versions on Youtube if you want to listen to it ! I learned it fifteen years ago in junior high school and never forgot it so I thought of it immediately and I enjoyed a lot putting it in this chapter. The poem also exists. Enjoy ! **

May 1866

Since we didn't have the occasion of doing a banquet for New Year's Eve this year, Harada suggested that we all went for a day to witness the blooming cherry blossoms and eat a bento underneath. At first, Hijikata-san refused but Harada and Nagakura eventually persuaded him, saying that it would be a good occasion for us to get along with each others. Of course, they didn't mention who wasn't really getting along but we all understood very well that they meant Ito and Miki. Hijikata-san allowed it but only the high ranked. We couldn't afford to leave the compound without surveillance and the Rasetsu weren't supposed to exist. Plus, the streets of Kyoto still needed their rounds.

I gave the commandement of my unit to Tetsuya, as usual. He was always taking my place when Iwas on mission and I trusted him to get the work done. I also gave a promotion to Tairô, the youngest of my unit who was always taking care of my haori. I named him second for the time Tetsuya was captain. Tairô was really a man that I appreciated. He wasn't a hothead, had a great capability of analysis and most of all, was one of my most talented swordman. He always had been a bit better than the rest of the squad but the gap grew bigger when I became instructor. Tairô was never missing a training session in iai and he was improving very fast. He often stayed a bit after the training session to ask some questions and try some variants of the movements we studied. When we were having street altercations now, he was the last to unsheathe but still the first to stike. I had a kind of proudness when I witnessed all the progresses he made. His promotion was fully deserved and no one contested it although he was the youngest.

Toudou was on kitchen duty and Chizuru decided to assist him which I personally thought was a good idea since she was the best cook in the compound. The rest of us didn't have much to do so we just hanged out outside, sipping some tea, waiting for the bentos to be ready so we could all go together. Harada had chosen the spot for the viewing but he didn't tell anyone since he wanted to keep the surprise for Chizuru. She was very excited about going out. Another very excited one was Souji although I couldn't understand why. He had a smile on his face since morning that wasn't fading. Everyone could see that he was preparing something and I just hoped it had nothing to do with our secret. He had been keeping it perfectly for two months already but Souji was unpredictable.

« Cherry Blossoms are so romantic ! » said Nagakura with a wink « Heisuke'd better get the best of it ! »

« What do you mean ? » I asked, confused.

« Shinpachi ! » scolded Harada with a smile « leave the kid alone, would you ? »

« But Heisuke had been in love with Chizuru-chan for so long ! » chuckled Nagakura.

« Do I have to remind you that Chizuru-chan already told him she wasn't interested ? » replied Harada.

« Yeah but that was before ! » winked Nagakura « with all these months as geiko, they grew closer, lived in proximity... And even now, they are in the kitchen together preparing some bento made with love... » he put his hands on his heart in an exaggerated manner and fluttered his eyelashes quickly « the spring is here, the feelings blossoming like sakura... Perfect day to for Heisuke and Chizuru to confess their feelings for each other ! »

Souji couldn't resist to guffaw loudly and everyone looked at him.

« Oy ! What's so funny ?! » yelled Nagakura, wounded in his pride.

« Nothing, I'd just like to see that ! » he laughed.

I sighed, sipping my tea, trying to ignore the little jealousy blossoming in my heart. Even if Chizuru told me she'd stay by my side, I couldn't help but think that maybe Toudou was a better fit for her. They were like best friends already, he was making her laugh, they were the same age... and I was sure he wouldn't care about making their relationship public, at least amongst the captains, while I was condemning her to secrecy. If she eventually chose Toudou over me, she would have every reason to. And that was probably the reason why it was making me so jealous.

My tea finished, I stood up and started getting away in anger, although my face was impassive.

« Oye ! Saito, where are you going ? » asked Harada.

« I want to see if there is help needed in the kitchen. » I replied in my toneless voice.

« All right » said Nagakura « just try not to interupt a moment between those two lovebirds ! » he laugh and the others joined him.

My fist were clenched and knuckles white but I didn't turn to look at them when I went towards the kitchen. I entered after announcing myself to find Chizuru making some Onigiri and Toudou sitting on the table.

« Do you need help ? » I asked Chizuru.

« Thanks Saito » answered Toudou « but everything's fine, we're almost finished. »

« It would probably go faster if you actually helped her. » I said in a harsh voice and he got off the table to get some rice.

Sometimes, I was a bit sorry that Toudou was so easily scared of me but that wasn't one of these moments.

« Notify us when you are ready. » I said, exiting the kitchen after they agreed.

They went much faster after that and in no time, we could go. Harada lead us a bit out of town, near the Arashiyama mountain. We sat under the cherry trees to eat our bentos. I saw that mine had extra tofu in it while Hijikata-san's had extra pickles, Souji's extra plums and Harada's extra eggplant. I smiled. Chizuru was always so caring for everyone, and so observant.

Miki and Ito ate with us before they decided to go on a walk. Takeda joined them along with Kondou-san and the rest of us stayed lying under the blossoming cherry trees until Souji eventually opened his mouth.

« Ara, these blossoms are so inspiring... Makes me wanna declaim poems... »

I frowned. _Souji ? Poetry ? Is this some kind of joke ?_

« I'd love to hear a poem ! » said Chizuru, enthusiastic.

« Alright ! Everyone listen up ! » he yelled, standing up and getting a little book out of his kimono. I recognized the book. It was the one he hid under his futon when I came in his room. He cleared his throat and took a theatrical position « you'll get lost in the way of love, whether you know it or not. »

I could recognize that it was supposed to be an Haiku but it was poorly written. I frowned again.

« Souji ! » I heard Hijikata-san say, furious « where did you get this book ?! »

« Ara... I may have found it in your office... »

Hijikata seemed to be on the verge of jumping on Souji to kill him.

« These are supposed to be for me ! Just hand them over, bastard ! It's an order ! » yelled Hijikata-san, trying to grab the book out of Souji's hand. I understood at this moment, along with the other captains, that the vice-commander was the author of that very bad poem.

« Hai ! Fukuchô ! » he said, imitating a deep voice that I recognized as being mine « anything for you, Fukuchô ! I'll die for you Fukuchô ! »

He handed the book and everyone exploded in laughter. I was a bit vexed but I couldn't help but smile. Souji was still the same old Souji. Chizuru was laughing so much that it was a pleasure for my eyes. Even if she was mocking me, I knew there was no evil in it.

« All right... nevermind... no poetry then... » said Souji, sighing. « How about other arts ? Can anyone do something ? After Toshi, anyway, you're not taking a lot of risks, it's gonna be better. »

Hijikata-san's eyes were throwing daggers at Souji, while he was putting the book in his kimono. Toudou answered him with enthusiasm.

« Hey ! Chizuru-chan can sing ! » he said and all eyes reported on Chizuru who shook her head in denial.

« N.. No... That's not true ! » she stuttered.

« Yeah she can ! » he insisted « I saw it when we were maiko ! »

Everyone gave some encouragements to Chizuru who was blushing red and she finally accepted. During all the commotion, I stayed silent, looking at her intensely, wondering if she actually could sing.

She sat up in seiza and the silence installed itself as she took a deep breath. She closed her eyes, slowly, and opened her mouth.

Sakura sakura 

noyama mo sato mo

mi-watasu kagiri

kasumi ka kumo ka

asahi ni niou

sakura sakura

hana zakari »

My jaw dropped. The other captains's too. It was the voice of an angel. We all knew this song, talking about blossoming cherry trees, but it was like we were hearing it for the first time. There wasn't any shamisen to accompany her but still we could be touched by the beauty of her voice.

She was breathtaking, singing Sakura Sakura under the cherry trees, petals falling around her like they were dancing to the sound of her voice. Her eyes were closed, her head held high to let the sound surround us. When she started the second part, Toudou joined her, followed by Harada and we all started singing with her.

Sakura sakura

yayoi no sora wa

mi-watasu kagiri

kasumi ka kumo ka

nioi zo izuru

izaya izaya

mini yukan

Even I was singing with her and I saw a smile draw on her face when she realized we were all singing together. I couldn't detach my eyes from her angelic face, singing her heart out, and I wanted my heart to travel through my voice to reach her too. When the song was over, she opened her eyes, still blushing, and plunged them into mine. I knew at this moment that I had succeded.


	49. Q&A

This is gonna be my QA chapter ! I will answer to questions posted in comments and PM. If you are not interested in these questions, do not worry, I'm releasing a real chapter at the same time so you can skip directly. If you have any questions you want to ask or any remarks, feel free to comment/PM and i will update this chapter.

(Unless your questions are about events AFTER these chapters. I will not answer because of spoilers but if you like QA, i could do another one at the end of the second arc)

**In hakuouki, Saito can't stand alcohol, why is it that your Saito has so much resilience ? **

Saito in Hakuouki is based on an historical person. The « real » Saito was known to be an alcoholic and was even killed by his liver due to his alcohol consumption. I decided to keep this fact for my fan fic.

**Did you invented Yuki or is she based on an actual historical figure ?**

I invented her. When i think about Saito, the snow comes to my mind so i chose the name « snow » for her because it seemed logical in my head to have « snow » and Saito together. I'm happy that so much people like her and i can say that she's going to be staying in this fan fiction for a while !

**Are there going to be lemons at some point ? Saito seems on the verge of jumping on Chizuru anytime but he never tries anything...**

Yes. Definitely yes. But Saito is so honorable that i just can't make it happen out of the blue. I know exactly where I'm going and i know when it's gonna happen. I can't say when exactly because spoilers but be patient, there will be more than one !

**How can you manage to release chapters so quickly ?**

First, they are short so it's easier. And when i release a chapter, normally i have already at least two written already. I don't want to release anything if i'm not sure of the sequel. That's why sometimes i can release two or three chapters at the time. For the moment, i know all the events that are going to happen from now to Toba-Fushimi. I think the second part will be harder because there is so much things happening that making originals is going to be very, very hard. And i can also tell that the story will probably continue after the game events.

**In the chapter « instructor », you give a lot of information about iai. Do you practice it ? **

I'm a beginner and my school of iai is based on more like « dueling » kind of iai but last time, we tried another type and my teacher explained that it was more of a iai for fighting in streets, with no armor, Edo era, and i thought it was pretty close to Saito's style even if it wasn't really the same. Saito's iai is Mugai Ryû and i have no knowledge about it so i tried something else. I'm glad i could make you feel like i knew what I was talking about. That's what i wanted since Saito is so much of a master in iai. By the way, the teaching of Saito about the hips and the unsheathing flat isn't relevant in my school of iai where we focus more on the left hand and the scabbard. So yeah, there's a lot of different kind of iai.

**Your Chizuru is very active in your fan fiction, more than in original Hakuouki. Why did you choose to send her on spying missions ?**

Yeah, i don't like the idea of Saito falling in love with someone only making tea (which seems like the only thing Chizuru does in Hakuouki) so i wanted to explore more her « warrior » side and « doctor » side. Let her be a little more useful and be someone that Saito could actually fall in love with.

**Have you played Hakuouki Zuisouroku or watched the OAV ? In it, they change Chizuru in a geiko.**

I haven't played Zuisouroku yet although i have it but i've watched the OAV. I didn't really like it though because even if they say « geiko » she has the obi tied on the front, her kimono reveals a lot of her neck, and she is working in Shimabara therefore, it's an oiran like Kimigiku. Oiran can give some sexual services so i didn't wanted that for my story and i also didn't wanted a poor plot like « yeah lets plant chizuru as a spy but let's ALL go to see how cute she is and therefore, be with her all the time so that we can't learn anything » it just didn't make any sense to me.

**To finish this QA, i will just give some special thanks to Gome, Haruka and Guest who are always commenting and giving me their impressions. Thank you very much, without your comments, maybe i would have given up on this story but with your support, i write everyday to bring you new chapters as quickly as possible. Please continue to comment and bring me some motivation ! Saito, Chizuru, Yuki and the others are counting on you so that their story can continue ! **


	50. Second-expedition

June 1866

« Saito. There's a meeting in Kondou's office. » said Harada behind the shoji.

« Ha. I shall be on my way. » I answered before joining him outside.

It was a beautiful afternoon. The sun was heating my skin but not burning it yet. As usual, the hard months would be July, August and September with the unbearable heat and humidity. The cherry flowers all had fallen now and Chizuru was sweeping them away with a broom in the courtyard when I passed her.

« Good morning, Saito. » she told me politely.

« Good morning, Yukimura. » I answered formally.

I hesitated on continuing my walk but I stopped to ask her to make some tea for the meeting. She nodded and got to it immediately. I entered Hijikata-san's office and sat in seiza. The vice-commander was facing all the captains with a frowned face and I could easily decipher already that the news weren't good ones.

Kondou-san joined us, apologizing for his lateness and took place near Hijikata-san, face frowned too.

« Thank you for all coming here. » started Kondou-san, bowing at us, and we all bowed in return. « We have some news from the Bakufu. »

At this moment, Chizuru entered the office with the tea, giving some to every man in the room and we thanked her, taking the hot cups in our hands. Kondou-san waited for her to finish silently but when she was ready to get out the room, he stopped her.

« Yukimura. You may stay, this may concern you too. »

« Hai, Kondou-san. » she bowed before taking place in seiza with the rest of us and we all waited for Kondou-san to speak again.

« The second Choshu expedition of the Bakufu started this morning. » he said.

We knew it was coming. It had been decided months ago, not long after the first Choshu expedition which was an immediate response to the Hamaguri gate incident in august 1864. We all kept silent.

« Suo-Oshima, in the Yamaguchi prefecture had been bombed by the navy of the Bakufu. We have a lot of hope that this will calm the Choshu and the rest of the opposition domains. » said Kondou-san with a smile and we all felt light hearted at this idea.

Maybe the most delighted with these news was myself. I could already picture it, the Bakufu stable again, the Choshu bowing to the shogun and me, being finally able to marry Chizuru and be with her all days and nights of the rest of my life, living an honorable existence.

Ito and Miki, even if they were supposed to be allied with us and therefore, with the bakufu despite being imperialists, frowned at the news. I had a feeling that these two would prefer the Choshu to win this war.

Harada and Nagakura, especially Nagakura, didn't loose this occasion to suggest that a party was necessary and were followed immediately by Souji and Toudou but Hijikata-san raised his hand to ask for silence.

« We're not finished yet. » he said and silence came back in the room « Kondou-san, please continue. »

« Thank you, Toshi. » replied Kondou-san with a small smile directed to Hijikata-san. « Yukimura. We have some news about your father. »

« Really ? » yelled Chizuru and I turned to her to see her gaze full of hope directed to the commander.

« Yes. » nodded Kondou-san « although I do not know if you will be pleased with it. » he sighed.

We were all quiet in anticipation. Chizuru wasn't the only one wondering where Kodo could have been. We had worked with him, he was the responsible for the presence of the Rasetsu in our compound since he was the one developing the Ochimizu under shogunate's orders. Therefore, his vanishing was rather unsettling. And he was the reason why Chizuru stayed with us in the first place. If he hadn't been her father, maybe we would have killed her that day. Maybe I would have been the one ordered to... And I would have done it without a second thought. If the commanders asked me to jump, I wouldn't waste time asking how high. What if Hijikata-san or Kondou-san asked me now ? Would I kill Chizuru ?

« We know for sure that Kodo has been working with imperialists in the Choshu, Satsuma and Tosa domain for the past year. »

« That ! That's impossible ! » cried Chizuru in disbelief.

That could explain why we couldn't find Kodo in Kyoto. He simply wasn't there. Yet, I was sorry for Chizuru, spending two years looking for her father only to find out that he joined the enemy. A shiver crawled down my spine. Will Chizuru betray too ? Will she decide to join her father among the ranks of the imperialists ?

« I... I know my father... he would have never betrayed the shogunate... » I heard her say with a lump in her throat.

« We can't exclude that he's there as a spy of the bakufu but we have no intels pointing towards this. » Kondou-san said to reassure her without giving her hope.

« Al... alright... » she said.

« Now, we don't have anymore news for you so you can all dismiss. » said Kondou-san and we all bowed before getting up.

Chizuru had already exited the office and I went outside to talk to her.

« Out of my way ! » I heard Miki say and I saw Chizuru fall on the ground.

Harada was quicker than I was and he helped Chizuru get up on her feet.

« What's your problem ?! » he asked Miki, throwing daggers through his eyes.

« Why does anyone care about this kid anyway ? He's not swordman, he's only doing chores and he's the son of a traitor. » he shrugged. « He should keep a low profile if he doesn't want this kind of thing happening. »

I clenched my fists while Ito chuckled. He then put his hand on Miki's shoulder and adressed him.

« Come on Miki, don't waste your time on him. »

Miki shrugged again and they both got away. Harada was brushing Chizuru's palms to get rid of the dirt and blood on them.

« Don't worry, it'll heal in no time... » he said gently.

« I... I know... » she nodded, trying to get her hands back.

He let them go and she brushed them against her hakama. He then kneeled to look at her with always this gentle gaze he had and brushed a finger against her cheek to catch a tear.

« They're idiots. Probably pissed that the Choshu is actually loosing. Do not let them see that you're hurt, all right. » he said in a kind voice.

She nodded and washed away the small tears ornamenting her eyes.

« Now held your head high. » continued Harada, still with his gentle smile.

He took Chizuru's chin and lifted it and she smiled in return.

« Thanks, Harada. » she said.

He stood up again and walked away, leaving me alone with her and I watched him until he was out of sight.

« Show me your hands. » I asked her and she panicked.

« N... No... They're fine ! » she stuttered.

« Show me. » I repeated.

« I... I'm sorry !!! » she said before running away, leaving me puzzled about what just happened.


	51. Patrol

July 1866

I was making a round with Souji, the last of the day before the Rasetsu take their turn. We had a permission after and were supposed to join Harada, Nagakura and Toudou in Shimabara, in a pleasure house they affectionated, the Sumiya. My unit was walking silently as always, disciplined behind Tetsuya and Tairô. Souji's men were a bit less disciplined but I wasn't complaining. Although I wouldn't accept this coming from my unit, they weren't my men.

« How come Okita-Kumichô always let Saito-Kumichô walk at his left ? » I heard one of Souji's unit ask to another « is it a way to show that Saito-Kumichô's a better swordsman than he is ? »

Souji seemed to have heard too and looked at me with a smirk.

_You wish... _I could nearly hear him say.

The man asking the question was probably new or, not a very observant person. It was true that normally, Souji should be the one walking at my left. He was the captain of the first division and I was the captain of the third. Therefore, he was higher ranked than me and I should honor his rank by taking his right. But Souji and I couldn't care less about rank when it came to efficiency. The reason was much more simpler : I was left handed. Therefore, we could easily dodge any opponent because his right hand would strike on the right, and my left hand, on the left, leaving no space for any opponent to strike. Left-handed swordmen weren't common though even when born left-handed so I understood why the man thought it was a rank issue.

I heard a noise and my thumb unsheathed my katana a little. I wasn't mistaken. Ronins came from an alley, swords up, probably trying to be threatening, but unfortunately, they were in front of Okita Souji, the sword of The Shinsengumi, captain of the first division, and Saito Hajime, captain of the third division. We didn't budge while they circled our men with a mischievous grin. In swordsmanship, the first to strike was usually the one loosing and we had far too much experience to make that mistake.

« Okita Souji... » said the one who looked like the commander. « We meet again. »

« I'm sorry, am I supposed to know you ? » asked Souji with a smirk.

« Shut up ! Don't play dumb with me ! You killed my brother last month ! » he yelled and Souji shrugged with disinterest.

« I'm sorry, I can't remember every brother I kill... » he took a fighting stance and his smile grew wider « wanna join him ? »

And with this simple provocation, it was chaos. The blades hit each others with clatter of metal and the wounded started screaming in pain. In a few seconds, the corspes of the ronins were lying on the ground, dead. Two were fleeing, thinking they were unnoticed.

« Catch them. » I said to Keisuke and Tairô and they ran after them.

I had a complete trust that they would come back with their heads. A running man wasn't a fighting man, it was easier to kill for someone well trained. I took a look at Souji, sheathing his blade after cleaning it in the kimono of one of the dead men. He was smiling with blood all over his face and haori. The Sword of The Shinsengumi, unfaltering, as he always had been. Only I could decipher that his breathe wasn't as steady as it used to be. He was starting to tire more easily even if he was trying his best to hide it. I didn't say anything and cleaned my sword before sheathing it.

A few minutes later, my men came back with their trophy and I nodded to acknowledge that they did a good job. Now that they had proven their success, they didn't need the heads anymore and so they dropped them on the pile of corpses.

« Ara... They ruined our haori... » sighed Souji, still with his smirk.

I looked at myself and sighed as well. My haori was splashed with blood all over it. I passed an hand on my face to see that I had some there too and I used my sleeve to clean it away.

« I hate when it happens... » I heard Souji mutter. « Well, at least it's the blue one, not the white one. That would have pissed me off. »

I nodded. Souji always had a preference for our night haori, the white one. It wasn't a matter of color, not at all, it was just that it was designed by Kondou-san. Souji was looking up to Kondou like a father since he was a kid. I wondered why Kondou never adopted him officially but that wasn't my business anyway.

« I guess we will have to get back to the compound before getting out... » he muttered again.

He started walking and I followed, taking my place next to him at the head of the column. The patrol didn't have any more incident and we got back to the headquarters. I handed my haori to Tairô before going to the well to wash my face and hair. The blood had splattered everywhere, even on my kimono, and so I went to my room to change it before joining Souji so we could head to Shimabara together.

We found the others in an the same oiran house where they usually went, the Sumiya. It was less luxurious than the one where I was meeting Yuki but still one of the finest houses and also the biggest of Shimabara. I knew that a lot of our men were going there frequently. When we arrived, Toudou was already drunk and Nagakura didn't seem very far to join him in total drunkenness. We sat with them and ordered some drinks that the oiran brought us very quickly but that wasn't because of us.

« Here are the drinks for your friends, Harada-han, do you need something else ? » said an oiran with a blue kimono.

« Please tell us if you need anything, Harada-han. » added one in red.

« Do you wish me to dance, Harada-han ? » asked the third in an orange kimono.

I sighed. Things like this would never change. Everywhere Harada would go, every woman was here ready to bend to any of his wishes.

« Aaaaaaaaah ! » yelled Nagakura holding his head with both hands « how is it that you are so popular ! That's not fair ! »

« I'm not that popular... » objected Harada with an embarassed smile.

« Sano's so popular ! Sano's so popular ! » was singing Toudou, moving back and forth « eat that, Shin ! »

« I'm gonna make you eat this ! » yelled Nagakura, showing his fist to Toudou in anger before they both exploded in laughter.

_Yeah...they're drunk..._

I sipped my sake silently, savoring it. It was a very fine one with a sweet taste and a lot of aromas. After the bloodbath a few hours ago, it was really appreciated.

« Hey, have you heard ? » said Harada to me « Gion's festival is cancelled this year. »

« Is it ? » I asked.

« Yeah... Apparently the second Choshu expedition isn't really going according to plan and they don't want to have any incidents. »

I nodded. I had news that the expedition was encountering a powerful resistance. Some neighbors domains of the Choshu, although allied with the Bakufu, weren't really trying to crush the enemy and the Choshu was well equipped. If the imperialists in Kyoto heard about this too, this could explain why they were gaining confidence. We had a lot of street altercations lately. I was a bit sad not to be able to take Chizuru to Gion's matsuri this year but it was preferable to cancel it completely than to put her in an unnecessary danger.

We spent nearly all night there, talking about the shogunate, laughing and drinking, exchanging souvenirs about the Sheikan hall... After a while though, it was time to get back to the compound. The sun was rising and the pleasure house was closing. Nagakura got his pouch out before looking at me with embarrassment.

« Saito... » he said in a pleading voice.

« Understood. » I sighed.

It was a secret to no one that my pay was usually better than theirs since the assassination missions often came with a bounty directly from the Bakufu or the Aizu domain. And I was also spending less than them, always out partying. I paid the bill and we all headed out the Sumiya.

« Thanks, Saito ! » yelled Nagakura, grabbing my shoulder. « I really owe on that one. »

« Do not worry about it. » I said to be polite but I knew he wasn't going to worry anyway. He would be back drinking and partying as soon as he had money to spend.

« Next time, it's on us ! I promise ! » he added with a giant smile, tapping on my shoulder.

« Alright. »

« When he says "on us" he meens on Sano and me anyway ! This one isn't capable of managing his money, anyway ! » said Toudou, both hands behind his head.

In this position, he couldn't dodge the fist that Nagakura sent him in the guts and it cut his breath. He got back on his feet in the second and showed his fist to Nagakura in anger.

« Told you it was coming ! » said Nagakura.

« Don't think i'm gonna let you get away with it, Shin ! » yelled Toudou.

The rest of us kept walking. This kind of fight was pretty common between Nagakura and Toudou and drunk, no one could stop them anyway. They would fight to hurt the other the more they can, then fall into one another's arms to say how much they respect each other, and then get back to the compound, each of them helping the other to walk. Staying to watch would only be wasting our time.


	52. Sen

August 1866

The notice board that was in place since two years on the Sanjo Ohashi bridge to proclaim Choshu enemies of the court had been vandalised and the Aizu asked the Shinsengumi to protect the new one. We were taking turns, days and nights, and still doing our rounds. Therefore, the men were pretty tired but in my unit, no one complained.

I was out on a round with Chizuru by my side. She was never missing a round with me and I was pleased to always have her near. Tetsuya was following us closely and Tairô took the rear guard with Keisuke as usual. I stopped near a small shop and announced myself to the owner.

« Shinsengumi. It has been bought to our attention that there's a lot of ronins getting in and out of your establishment. I'll have to control it. » I said in my toneless voice.

« Ha.. Hai ! Please, come in ! » stuttered the merchant and I could see in his eyes already that he wasn't suspicious. Still, I had to do my duty.

I made a head sign to my men and they all followed me inside. We overlooked the merchandises and every drawers but didn't find anything of interest. That's when I heard the commotion outside.

« Leave her alone ! »

_Chizuru. _I could recognize her voice and got out of the shop. She was standing in front of a girl with a luxurious kimono, protecting her from some ronins. Volition was burning in her eyes when she oppened her mouth again.

« Samurai are supposed to protect the citizen, not harm them ! With your acts, you show that you are nothing but a bunch of bullies ! » she yelled in anger.

There were three men in front of her and they didn't seem to like at all the way Chizuru had spoken to them. One of them unsheathed his sword and pointed it at her.

« What did you call us, kid ?! » he yelled, threatening. « We are true imperial patriots ! »

Chizuru wasn't afraid though and she put her hand on her kodachi in preparation for the blow... that never happened. Fast as I could, I came behind the man and hit him with the back of my sword, making him fall on the ground. I looked at the others and my gaze only froze them in place.

« Get them to the headquarters. » I said to Tairô who was exiting the shop as well. « They might be Choshu. »

He nodded and my unit came circling the three men, leaving me alone with Chizuru and the girl.

« Saito... » started Chizuru but I cut her right there.

« What where you thinking ?! You could have been hurt. » I said, harsher than I wanted.

« But... » she tried to continue.

« The man's right, you know ! » confirmed the girl « I had the situation totally under control ! » she added and we both looked at her in disbelief while she was scolding Chizuru. Her expression softened though when she spoke again « oh, I'm sorry... You came to help me and I'm not giving you the gratitude you deserve... Please accept my apologies and... thank you for your help. »

« I.. thanks ? » said Chizuru, flustered.

« Young women like us need to look out for each others, right ? » she added with a wink before noticing our faces « sorry ! Was it supposed to be a secret ?! »

« Yeah... » said Chizuru, embarassed.

« It's ok, Chizuru. » I said to reassure her « you can't expect to fool everyone »

I was glad my unit wasn't there anymore though. This could have been a subject of debate and the outcome wouldn't have pleased Hijikata-san and Kondou-san.

« My name is Sen ! » she bowed « I'm happy to meet you.

« My pleasure, Sen-san. » said Chizuru

« Just Sen, please, we must be around the same age. » she smiled « can I inquire on your name ? »

« Yukimuru Chizuru. Nice to meet you Sen. »

« Yukimura ! » her eyes widened « from... the east ? »

« Yeah, I come from Edo... » she answered, flustered.

I found the behavior of that Sen a bit suspicious but I didn't say a thing as she regained her composure quite quickly. Sen got her smile back and nodded.

« I'm sorry... It's just the same name as one of mine acquaintances. I hope we see each other soon, Chizuru-chan ! » she bowed and walked away.

I watch her until she was out of sight and reported my attention on Chizuru.

« Let's get back. » I told her and we started walking in the other direction.

I didn't say anything for a while but eventually she broke the silence.

« Are you mad ? » she asked me and I didn't have the heart to lie to her.

« Ha. » I said calmly.

« I'm sorry, Saito... I just couldn't stay in the roadside while they were bullying her ! »

I sighed and stopped walking, locking my gaze on her. I could see it reflecting in her eyes. It was cold as ice, more than I wanted, but I couldn't stop myself from being mad at her behavior.

« You could have been hurt. There were three men in front of you and they were ready to attack. » I stated coldly.

« I can defend myself ! I was ready ! » she objected.

« No you can't. » I said with authority « against a real swordsman, you don't stand a chance. »

« What's the point of practicing with the others if you deny my hard work ?! » she screamed with anger « I'm trying my best to improve, even you tested me and said I could defend myself but now that I'm willing to try, you can't trust me anymore ! »

« In the street, there is no such thing as trying. If you fail, you die. » I said harshly. « You think you can defend yourself because you practice in a dojo. How much you trained is irrelevant. Out there, it's danger. I don't want you to get involve and that isn't open to discussion. I don't want to see you unsheathe your kodachi ever again in the streets. Am I understood ? »

« You just can't trust me. » she cried.

I unsheathed my sword and put it on her neck in a fluid, rapid movement that she didn't see coming.

« It's not that I don't trust you. It's that I don't trust the others to fight you loyally. The rules of the streets are not the same as the rules of the dojo. »

She stopped crying and we resumed walking towards the compound. I could tell though that she was still firm on her position. She really thought that she could have stand a chance against them. When we arrived in the compound, I took a look at her frowned face filled with anger and resentment and sighed.

« Alright. » I said « stay here, please. »

I went to my men and called three of them.

« Tairô, Nobuo, Keisuke. » I ordered « take four bokken and bring them in the courtyard.

They ran to the dojo without question and I went back to Chizuru. When they arrived, I handed her a bokken.

« Show me. » I told her before turning to my men. « Don't go easy on him. Imagine it's a street altercation and you're imperialists ronins. I want it to be a lesson. »

They nodded and circled Chizuru. She managed to dodge the first blow and the second one before a bokken landed with force on her shoulder, making her escape a short cry of pain. This would probably leave a bruise. From then, the pain made her loose her focus and she was hit three time and fell on the ground before I stopped the demonstration.

« Enough. Dismiss. » I said looking at the small tears in Chizuru's eyes.

_Please, pardon me Chizuru... _

« These were bokken. The men in the street had actual swords. If it wasn't for me, you would have been dead. Do you understand now ? » I told her in a calm voice.

She looked at me with anger and pain but nodded. I reached to her with my hand and she grabbed it.

« I'm sorry. » I told her with a gentle voice « you just wouldn't listen... I had to show you the difference between the streets and the dojo. There's no honor out there. »

She nodded again and walked away to her room, leaving me.

_Don't go ! Please, Chizuru, I'm sorry ! I never wanted to harm you... _

I got to my room and grabbed some Ishida powder, the medecine of Hijikata-san's family. It was very efficient on bruises. I got out with it and went to Chizuru's room.

« Yukimura. » I asked « Yukimura, may I come in ? »

The shoji oppened and I got in, handing her the medecine.

« Try to drink this with water. It'll help with the bruises. For more efficiency, you can also mix it with sake » I said and she took it but didn't speak. « Chizuru... I'm sorry for what happened. I just don't want you to get killed... »

She stayed silent again and I wiped a tear from her face with a finger.

« You will be a great swordsman one day. I know you will. But now's too soon. Just trust me, alright ? I never meant to hurt you. I just... got out of my mind... because you were in danger and I love you. Please, Chizuru. »

She nodded and although she was still crying, I could see forgiveness installing itself in her mind.

« I understand. I'm not mad at you, Saito. I guess I still have a long way to go... » she said, sadly.

« Promise me you won't fight in the streets again. » I asked.

« I promise. » she answered and I leaned over to kiss her, trying to pour my love, my shame of hurting her and my fear of losing her in my embrace.

At first, she didn't reply to the kiss but when she did, I felt that I was forgiven. I knew that what I did was wrong. No feelings in the world would allow me to get the woman I loved hurt... But she forgave me. With all her little heart. And that was enough. Now I needed to forgive myself. It would probably take more time.


	53. Notice-board

September 1866

« Sano ! You're the best ! » yelled Toudou and the other captains congratulated Harada as well.

We had been affected to the protection of the notice board since nearly a month and Harada had successfully arrested the culprits. This arrestation came with a very high bounty and Harada had more than tripled his pay with this catch.

« Alright, alright ! Everybody calm down ! » said Hijikata-san but even him traded his usual frowning faced for a smile.

« Tonight, it's on me ! » said Harada « We're going out to Shimabara at the Hanamado pleasure house ! »

I frowned. _Why not the Sumiya where they all go all the time ?_

Nagakura turned to me and explained with a wink.

« Thanks for paying for us last time ! To make it up to you, we decided to go somewhere you really affectionate. Souji told us you used to go there even if it's damn fucking expensive but that's not a problem for our Sano now ! »

I nodded. I was touch by their attention. I was glad to go partying with them and it was true that I affectionated the Hanamado. It could give me an occasion to see Yuki again and see how she was doing.

« Alright. » I said.

« Yeah ! Saito's thrilled by the idea and so am I ! » yelled Toudou again, with a smile as big as the world « it'll be my first time in a house that expensive ! »

« And even more great, we would not have to bear Ito and Miki's presence ! » added Nagakura with a cruel lack of tact.

He laughed and we all stood up to get going. It was only a little comitee party. Harada was inviting, Hijikata-san was coming, Souji too, Nagakura and Toudou. The Sheikan hall team, without Kondou-san who was currently away to the Choshu expedition as an envoy.

Arrived in the courtyard, Toudou stopped.

« Wait a minute ! I'll get Chizuru-chan ! » he said before running towards her room.

My blood froze.

_Chizuru. In Shimabara. In Yuki's house. Shit._

« Harada. » I asked « are you sure it's relevant to bring Chi... Yukimura? »

« She never gets out of the compound and I think she'll enjoy it ! Refined food, refined drinks... » he explained with a smile.

« I don't think women are allowed in oiran's pleasure houses. » I objected.

_And specifically those containing a certain Shimabara fox who doesn't know how to hold her tongue. _

« She's pretending to be a man since two years now, she'll be fine. »

« Alright » I said, knowing that I couldn't make him change his mind.

_Anyway, I have nothing to worry about. Since I'm with Chizuru, I hadn't slept with Yuki once and I stayed faithful to her. So it shouldn't be so much of a big deal... Was it ? _

Chizuru arrived shortly and we all headed to Shimabara. When I entered the pleasure house, the owner recognized me immediately.

« Oh, hello, dear customer ! Should I get you and your friend a private salon and fetch... »

« Kiku. » I stopped her, remembering the name of the oiran whose kimono I borrowed « a private salon and Kiku, please. »

She was puzzled for a second but smiled and bowed.

« Kimigiku will join you in a moment. This way, please. »

Fortunately, Chizuru didn't hear that I knew the name of one of the courtesan and I had been able to avoid an encounter between her and Yuki. I was starting to relax a bit.

In the salon, Chizuru was looking everywhere with a mouth agap. It was her first time in something like a pleasure house.

« Is it always so pretty ? » she asked.

« Not all of them are so luxurious, but yeah, it's always very beautiful. » answered Harada with a smile.

Her jaw dropped even more when Kimigiku entered the room. In Gion, she was already impressed by the beauty of Geikos but Oiran's beauty were incomparable. Her kimono was revealing her collarbone and her neck, even a bit of her shoulders and cleavage that we could devine generous. Her face was white with red lipstick and red eye shadow, highlighting her very dark eyes. Kimigiku started entertaining us but very soon, she was only talking to Hijikata-san about how handsome he was. Well, I guess she wasn't wrong. Hijikata-san was always compared to actors and he was receiving a lot of love letters from all Kyoto.

We ordered some food and sake although Chizuru and Hijikata-san weren't drinking. They ordered some tea and enjoyed the food a lot. Probably better than Toudou who was drunk very, very fast.

« Heisuke ! Don't drink that much, eat something or you're gonna be ill ! » scolded Harada.

« But Sano ! It's my first time having sake sooo expensive ! I want to fit as much as I can in my belly ! »

That was stupid but they kept arguing about it for long. Chizuru was gently chuckling and I was glad to see her this happy. She was tasting all the food. A lot of the dishes were a first for her and she was very excited about it.

« Thank you, Sano ! » yelled drunk-Toudou « trying to hug Harada. « And thank you, notice board ! »

« By the way, Chizuru... » asked Harada « did you go out of the compound that night ? »

Everyone turned to Chizuru who became all flustered.

« No, of course not ! Why? » she asked.

« There was a girl that night... She was looking exactly like you... and she was with the culprit but I couldn't catch her. She gave us a hard time. »

That couldn't be Chizuru. Although she made a lot of progress in swordsmanship, it wasn't enough to give a hard time to Harada. But these news were rather troubling.

« Isn't there an oiran here that looks like Chizuru-chan, Hajime-kun ? » asked Souji.

I felt my blood freeze and all the eyes came to me, asking silently if it was true. I wondered why Souji was bringing up the subject. Was it some kind of joke or was it an innocent remark ?

« There is one that has a vague resemblance. » I answered prudently in my toneless voice « but not enough to be mistaken for Yukimura. »

« I'll go call her. » he said, getting up « see if it rings any bells. »

He exited the room and I wanted to disappear. My eyes met Chizuru's and she smiled to me with this innocent look she always had. Souji came back shortly with Yuki. I tried my best to avoid her gaze and she seemed to understand because she didn't salute me personally.

« What do you want me to do, Okita-han ? » she asked with a submissive smile that was so far away from her usual grins.

« Just stand here, please. Chizuru-chan, come near her please » he ordered and Chizuru obeyed immediately.

Aside from the eyes, they had nothing in common. Yuki was a bit taller and her face was in shape of a heart while Chizuru's was rounder. The noze was different too, Chizuru's was smaller than Yuki's. And of course, the age gap of 6 years wasn't helping. I noticed the wooden harpin in her hair. I couldn't help but wonder if she was putting it on specifically for our encounters or if she was wearing it on a daily basis.

« No, sorry. » said Harada, shaking his head « it's not her. »

« Anyone could see she has nothing in common with Yukimura... » added Hijikata-san.

I saw Yuki shiver at the sound of Chizuru's name ans she reported her eyes on her. I saw emotions swirling in her chestnut gaze. Surprise. Disbelief. Interest. Sadness. Happiness. Competition. Jealousy. Relief. Betrayal. So many emotions that it was hard to determine what she was really thinking. She turned to me and I nodded slightly, acknowledging that she understood correctly. She regained her composure and smiled with restraint while bowing to us.

« If you don't need anything else... »

Before going, she whispered something into Chizuru's ear though. When she came back to the table, I asked her.

« What did the oiran tell you ? »

« I don't know... I'm not sure if I understood... »

« Try. »

« She said good luck, to tame the wolf. » she answered, flustered.

_Mibu wolf. Shimbara fox. Always getting back to this. _

I nodded with a small smile that let Chizuru even more confused. I would explain to her later, she deserved not to be kept in the blur, hiding it would be unfaithful. She seemed to think for a second then her eyes lit.

« Okita ! Do you remember Kaoru ?! » she asked.

« Who's that ? » answered Souji, arms crossed.

« the girl we met on patrol. The one that you said looked like me. » she tried.

I remembered too the conversation with Souji that I had when he was flustered by this encounter.

« Oh yeah, that one. » said Souji « maybe it could be her, she looked exactly like Chizuru-chan. »

« Not so much... » added Toudou and Nagakura tapped on his back.

« What can you know ?! » he laughed « you have no eye for women »

The other joined him laughing and Toudou's face blushed with anger.

« Yukimura, are you sure you do not have family in Kyoto ? » I asked her.

« Yeah, I'm sure... » she answered, thinking intensely.

This kind of coincidence shouldn't be ignore though. Especially if the girl was giving a hard time to Harada and therefore, the Shinsengumi as a whole. I would probably have to make an investigation.

« If you see her again, Harada, Souji, Yukimura, bring her back to the headquarters. » said Hijikata-san.

« Why is no one asking me ?! » yelled drunk-Toudou, who seemed on the verge of flipping the table over before Nagakura found a diversion.

« Hey, Sano ! It's time for the main event ! » he yelled and Toudou clapped his hands, his anger already gone.

« Sano ! Sano ! Sano ! » he sang.

I sighed and Chizuru looked with perplexity at Harada before he stood up.

« Alright ! » he said, taking off the bandages hiding his belly « this stomach isn't an ordinary stomach because this stomach knows the kiss of a blade ! » he yelled proudly, blushing with drunkenness.

I saw Chizuru's eyes widen as she witnessed the giant scar on Harada's abs. I leaned over to explain.

« When he was young, Harada was challenged to seppuku. This idiot did it. »

« You mean... He did this himself ? » she asked in disbelief.

« Sure did. » I said with a small smile and she smiled at me too as if she could explode in laughter.

Nagakura asked for a brush and some ink and drew a face on Harada's chest, the scar at the center of the mouth. It was pretty ridiculous. Now, everytime Harada was speaking, the scar seemed to be talking as well. Toudou couldn't stop his hilarity nor could Nagakura, and Chizuru chuckled with her hand on her mouth to hide it but her eyes were sparkling with amusement. In the end, bringing her here might have been Harada's brightest idea. Just like us, Chizuru sometimes needed to let out some steam. I haven't seen her this happy in a long time and that was thanks to Harada.

The night went on with sake, laughter and delicious food before we headed back to the compound. The days after that, Chizuru didn't bring back the subject of Yuki's words and I didn't do it either. If she wasn't suspicious of anything, I didn't need to explain anything that could make her sad without reason.


	54. Tairô

November 1866

Kondou-san was back from the Choshu expedition with some glum news. The shogunate was having a hard time calming the rebels. Although the bakufu's army was larger, the Choshu was better equipped with advanced guns and western tactics. Satsuma, one of the largest domain of Kyushu, joined the Choshu and the neighbor domains weren't making any effort to help the shogunate actually win this war. The Bakufu sent an envoy to western countries, asking for help and support but only the French answered its plea. The french mission was leaving Marseille on a Black Ship to come train our soldiers to modern weapons and tactics.

I was sitting on the wooden floor outside my room with a hot cup of tea, focused on the scene before me. Since Chizuru realized that Toudou and the others were going easy on her and that she wouldn't stand a chance in a real conflict, she asked Tairô to help her train. She didn't hold any grudge against him for the bokken hit and instead, she was coming back for more. She didn't ask me for help. Tairô, contrarily to the captains, didn't know she was a girl and had no reason to spare her, fighting as if he was really defending his life.

She was panting while dodging his blows, one after the other, and never complaining when the bokken was landing on her. Her force of character never stopped to amaze me. Where anybody would have quit, humiliated, she stood up and picked her sword again to show me what she was made of. And I knew now that she was made of steel, like I. Even if shy in her everyday interactions, she would stand for what she believed in, no matter the odds. I was falling more deeply in love with her everyday.

Her movements were improving a lot, she was getting a bit further from the theory and was starting to find her own style, a mix from the Hokushin Itto Ryû she learned from Toudou, my iai and Tairô's style of fighting which was reflecting a lot his previous life as gang member. There was no honor in the way Tairô was fighting, he was aiming for the vital parts all the time, using trickery to lure his enemies. His style became more academic with my teaching but his previous experiences forged him well and he was the perfect adversary for Chizuru to learn how to fight against dishonorable men.

They finished their duel and bowed to each other with respect before Tairô got away to get my haori and Chizuru came sitting next to me, still panting and sweaty.

« You're improving. » I said to her.

« You think so ? » she replied with a smile.

I nodded before I passed a finger on her sweaty face. The scent of spice, so strong, caught my nose. I wanted to see if she tasted spices as well... but I threw that thought away.

« You should go and wash yourself before you catch a cold from the wetness of your sweat. » I said.

« Aren't you going on a round ? If you do, I'd prefer to go with you. » she objected.

« I'll wait for you. Go. »

She flashed me a giant smile and took the direction of the bathroom. Before, we only had the public bath and the well in the courtyard to wash ourselves but since Matsumoto-sensei came visiting us, he scolded Kondou-san because that wasn't sanitary enough and we dedicated a room for the baths. It was really an improvement, especially for Chizuru who couldn't go with us to public baths nor use the well.

I began walking to the entrance of the compound where I found my men already dressed and ready. As the usual ritual, Tairô handed me my haori and I put it on.

« We'll wait for Yukimura. » I told them and they waited, disciplined.

She arrived, running, and took her place by my side when we started walking for the last patrol of the day, before the Rasetsu had to take the night shift. It was starting to get dark already and Sannan was probably waking up. I was a bit disappointed that I couldn't see him very often since he became a Rasetsu. With Souji, Sannan was probably the one I was the closest.

We walked quietly in the streets of Kyoto and insisted in the neighborhoods of Gion and Shimabara where usually there were drunk ronins at this hour harassing some innocent townsfolks, but no event of importance occured. The night was already installed when we took the direction of the Nishi-Hongwanji to get back to the headquarters. That's when I heard it coming from behind, at the rear guard.

« SONNÔ JÔI ! Revere the emperor and expel the barbarians ! »

We fell in a trap from imperialists coming from all around us, yelling the same battlecry and attacking my men. In a swift movement, I positionned myself in front of Chizuru and with a glare, I provoked the opponents to attack me and solely me. From the corner of my eye, I saw her put her hand on her kodachi but she didn't unsheathe it, according to her promise.

« Stay behind me. » I ordered her as four ronins ran at me. I unsheathed my blade and cut them open before turning to the two who were trying to get to Chizuru from behind me. She turned at the same time I did to stay in my back, as if we were one, and my sword swung mercilessly against the enemy. They weren't very good swordsmen but they were outnumbering us and I saw that some of my men were wounded already. I sliced everything coming at my range, still moving at the same time Chizuru was, protecting her with all my strength. The altercation only lasted a few seconds but it was intense with violence. When the last corpse collapsed on the ground, I stayed alert to any noise or movement before sheathing back my sword and turning to my men, finding them drenched with blood, and not only the one of their enemies.

« Anyone badly hurt ? » I asked, wiping my face with my haori's sleeve.

Most of them shook their head before Keisuke opened his mouth.

« They came from the rear guard... Tairô is wounded. » he said and the tone of his voice made me understand that there wasn't much hope.

I walked to the back of the column quickly to find the young Tairô on the ground, grunting in pain with his hands on his stomach. Chizuru near me didn't hesitate. She opened his haori and kimono to look at the wound. It was large and deep. His guts were getting out a little and I saw hope leave Chizuru's gaze when she opened her mouth.

« We can't move him. I'll have to treat him here. » she told me and I nodded before she turned to Keisuke « find some clean, hot water. »

He ran and Chizuru applied both her hands on Tairô's wound to stop the bleeding.

« Kumichô... » he called to me.

« Don't speak. » I ordered but I knew already he wouldn't listen.

« Serving under your command has been the greatest honor of my life. » he continued with difficulty.

Chizuru was crying, her hands drenched in the blood that wouldn't stop pouring from his guts and we all knew there was nothing we could do.

« Being your captain had been an honor for me too, Tairô. » I said gently « we will tell that you died a samurai. »

Chizuru lift her gaze towards me, probably mad that I uttered the word « die » out loud but if there was nothing left to save him, I had to give him at least this consolation. I handed Tairô his sword, lying next to him, and he grabbed it to hold it against his chest.

« I haven't always lived with honor, but at least, I'm dying with it. » he whispered and these were his last words.

Tairô, the youngest of my team, drew his last breath between Chizuru and I, and under the crying faces of his comrades. We waited a moment, honoring his sacrifice and his memory before I stood up.

« We're taking him back to the compound. » I ordered and two members of my unit came to carry Tairô's corpse. He would have the funeral he deserved.

We walked quietly until we reached the headquarters and my men brought Tairô to the infirmary and covered his body with a cloth.

« Go wash yourself. » I ordered them.

They took the direction of the bathroom to bath and get rid of the blood that splattered on all of them. I took Chizuru to the well and cleaned her hands and face with mines. She was in shock. She had seen corpses before but it was probably the first time that she really knew the fallen man. Tairô and her grew closer these past months with all the training. And he was seventeen, like her. Too young to die.

« He didn't deserve this... » she said, crying « he was a good man... »

« Death doesn't deliver justice. » I told her « she takes anyone. »

« You sound like you don't care. » she muttered.

« I do. »

« You never cry. »

« I've shed enough tears for the rest of my life when I was younger. » I said softly, caressing her now immaculate cheek with my hand.

I saw my unit getting out of the bathroom and I led Chizuru to it. Bath could help her clean her body and mind from what happened tonight. I knew she was holding herself responsible for what happened. She was the one usually taking care of wounds but for Tairô, her friend, she had been helpless. Arrived to the bathroom, I entered with her before turning away to leave her some privacy. I'd bath later. Yet, her little hand grabbed my sleeve.

« Don't go. » she told me and I turned back to her.

« Alright. »


	55. First

The bath was in the center of the room, steamy, and wooden benches and buckets filled with hot water were on the side. I was very uncomfortable.

_What should I do ? She told me to stay but that couldn't mean she wanted to bath with me. That would be unseemly. No, she just needed me to reassure her a bit longer, that must be it._

I sat on the wooden bench with her. She was still shocked, her gaze fixed on the ground and I passed my thumb on both her eyes to get the tears away. Things were hard for me too but I had to be strong enough for the both of us. Tairô had been in my unit since he was fourteen. At first, he was only the kid taking care of my haori but he grew to become the best swordsman of my team. I knew he was looking up to me, not as a father like Souji and Kondou-san, but as a warrior and as a captain, and he was always trying to perfect his technique, trying to become my equal. Even when he gained responsibilities in the unit, he never forgot where he came from and was still bringing me my haori everyday, as if he was still the kid I found in the street one day and that I took in. Loosing him was as much as a tragedy for me that it was for the rest of them but I promised myself I would never cry again, a long time ago, and I was a man of my word.

Pain was violent in my chest, swirling endlessly, and I passed my arm around Chizuru. I don't know who I was trying to comfort at this instant. Was it her or was it I ? In the end, I needed her contact as much as she needed mine. He gaze lifted from the floor and she plunged it in mine, passing both her arms around my body and I leaned over to deposit a gentle kiss on her mouth. She replied, moving her lips on mines slowly, tenderly. Her lips were a bit salty from all the tears she shed and I passed my tongue on it to taste it better. In response, she oppened her mouth a little and I couldn't resist to accept her invitation. Our tongues danced together and I sensed the passion I was trying so hard to refrain take over my body.

My free hand came combing in her hair, already humid from the steam, and took away her kanzashi, releasing all of it. It came circling her face, freely, and I passed my slender fingers in it, holding it, playing with it, taking strands in my hands. My mouth left hers to come and kiss her neck, up to her ear. I took the lobe between my teeth and licked it gently which made her escape a moan that snapped me back to reality.

« Chizuru... » I said with a husky, imploring voice filled with desire while continuing my trail of kisses down her neck again « if you want to stop me, you need to say so now, before I loose my mind. »

But although she tensed, she didn't. And my kisses made her moan again in a so adorable way that it made me smile as I bit gently her neck. I wanted to taste every little parcel of her body. I needed her heat, her arms, her scent and every little thing that was making her, her. Was it because of the grief or because I restrained myself for so long ? I didn't know, but my volition was slowly leaving me as my desire was growing bigger.

My hand left her hair to pull away her kimono from her shoulders and my kisses followed the curve of her neck to kiss one of her shoulder then followed her collarbone to reach the other one. Her arms that were still around my stomach came combing in my hair as I kneeled before the wooden bench. My fingers came pulling on her obi and my nose continued its way down, parting the edges of her kimono and nagajuban.

I was moving very slowly, alert to anything she could say. Perhaps a part of me wanted her to stop me, so that I would not dishonor her, taint her, hurt her and take away what was remaining of her innocence. She was a treasure, my treasure, the purest thing in the world, and I was corrupting it.

« Chizuru... » I implored again with my nose against her skin between her still hidden breasts.

My breath at this sensitive area made her shiver and I sensed the veneer I was trying so hard to keep intact break under the flames of passion. I still had all my clothes on but at this instant, I had the feeling that my soul was already naked before her. My hands came on her shoulders and grabbed the fabric, pulling it down to reveal her breasts, small but round and proud. My nose came brushing against one of them before I took her nipple in. She escaped a small gasp in surprise and my hand came cupping the other while I was licking, sucking and nipping. I sensed her body react to my touch, pushing itself against my palm and tongue to encourage me to continue my ministrations.

She began to pant softly and I opened my eyes that I had shut to focus on the sensations. I lifted my gaze to find her flustered face, embarrassed, red from the heat of the room and the new feelings awakening in her. In her eyes, I could see a mix of pleasure, curiosity, shame and fear that wasn't really surprising for someone who never experienced the touch of a man before.

I took away her kimono and pulled on the strings holding her hakama in place to make it fall on the floor. I sensed her hands move from my hair to my scarf to shyly help me get rid of it and I loved it. I held my head high to reach her lips again and I took them with force as her fingers pulled my obi away, opening my kimono. When I released them, her gaze avoided adorably the sight of my skin and features, shy, and her hands didn't adventure on it either, probably thinking that she had already been bold enough for today. I smiled and with a movement of shoulders, made my kimono fall completely, kissing her again to encourage her before I left her lips to trail another line of kisses.

Neck, collarbone, breasts, stomach, navel, hips, thigh, knee, thigh again. My nose sought entrance to her inner thigh and I brought a hand down there to help me. She parted her legs a bit but when she saw my face approaching her most intimate area, she closed them with shame.

« N...No... » she stuttered with embarrassment and I nodded before getting my head away.

She would have all the time to discover these pleasures later. If she wasn't comfortable with it, I wouldn't force her. Not defeated though, I grabbed her hips to make her quit the bench and sit on my lap, my bare body between her knees. She rested her hands on my shoulders and I kissed her again, a reassuring kiss filled with love and passion as my hand came cuping her womanhood. I didn't move, letting her accept this new contact, before I used my fingers to rub on her little bundle of nerves. She gasped with surprise and pleasure before she started moaning loudly and I pressed my lips on her to muffle the sound. Her body was shivering from my touch the way I dreamt of it so many times before and her loud muffled groans were driving me crazy.

I moved my fingers deeper in the folds to find her entrance, welcoming. I insterted a finger and again, didn't move to let her adjust with the sensation. I then began to move it slowly, joined by another one, rubbing on the spot a bit rougher inside her. A small cry of pleasure escaped her and her moans became even more delightful, stronger, growing steadily. When I sensed she was ready, I lifted her hips and pulled her closer to my body.

« I'm sorry, Chizuru... » I whispered « this is probably going to hurt a little. »

She nodded and I pulled her hips down slowly to enter her in a single, tender movement. A cry escaped her lips but this time it wasn't pleasure but pain. Small tears formed on her eyes and I kissed each one of them, swallowing the salty liquid. She took some time to adjust to the sensation and I waited patiently for her body to relax before I started to move.

I began thrusting very slowly, sensing her body tense as a natural reflex to this intrusion and I whispered to reassure her.

« It will get better. »

That's why I kept her on top, it was easier for her to get away if it was too painful. Although I would have preferred our first time, her first time, to happen on a confortable bedding rather than on a soaked wooden floor. I continued to move my hips and I lifted hers at the same pace to guide her movements. After a few thrusts, I felt her relax and take a little bit more control, moving her hips from her own volition to meet mines. Her hands quitted my shoulders to drape my neck and pull me closer to her body. I nested my head in her collar, resuming to kiss her there as my pace increased, getting deeper and faster with each thrust. I could hear her start to whimper again, abandoning herself into my embrace and it was the most beautiful sound I ever heard.

Making my way in her hair with my nose, I bit her ear again, licking her lobe as I felt the pleasure starting to overwhelm me. I shivered and twitched, nesting my head back in her neck as a reflex to bite her hard as I lost control and released the passion into her body.

_Not smart. Last thing I need right now is a baby. And same goes for her._

Yet, I hadn't been able to stop myself from wanting to be one with her. I loved her. And if a baby had to come from our love, I would take my responsibilities. Still panting, I held her tighter between my arms.


	56. Bath

I detached myself from her neck and looked up to her to find her chestnut gaze. Both panting, sweating from the heat of the room and from our embrace, we couldn't move our hands, as if we both wanted to make this instant last forever. At least, I knew I wanted it. Still burried in her, her heart was beating hard against my chest and I couldn't break this contact. I wanted to make her roll to the side and fall asleep in her arms but on this soaked wooden floor, that would be pretty uncomfortable for both of us.

_I miss a futon so much right now._

Even if I didn't want to, I lifted her up to put her back on the bench and took a soap to rub it on her skin.

« What... are you doing ? » she asked me, her flustered face back.

« You came here for the purpose to bath. There is no way I let you get out of here unclean. » I explained with my toneless voice already back.

« I can take care of it myself ! » she said, grabbing the soap, her face red with embarrassment.

I smiled at the sight of her flustered red face. Visibly her shyness didn't disappear along with her innocence. She was still the same Chizuru, unable to hide her feelings and blushing for anything. I loved this side of her. I got up and kissed her on the forehead.

« I love you. » I told her.

« I love you too. » she replied, becoming even more red.

I took a step back and turned around to pour a bucket on my head. I was doing it more to calm my body, ready to start again already, than to get clean.

_Pity there is only hot water here, an ice bucket would be more effective. _

I glanced at Chizuru from the corner of my eye to see that she was still rubbing the soap on her legs. She noticed me and put her arms to hide her breasts and her core from me.

« Don't look at me ! » she blushed.

« Alright. » I shrugged but the smirk on my mouth wouldn't go away.

I was probably looking a lot like Souji at this instant and I also wanted to act like him, tease her, make her blush even more... I grabbed a soap and rubbed my body before pouring another bucket on my head, trying my best not to look at Chizuru, her silky skin, her wetness, her perfect body and her flustered red face. I glanced again and saw that her body was now covered in soap. I approached and grabbed her hips from behind to pull her against me. With the soap, her skin was even more smooth, like she was an eel, and I held her as if she could escape me.

« Can I rinse myself ? » she asked with a smile, trying to turn her head to face mine « or am I never gonna leave this room ? »

« If only... » I muttered, detaching myself and grabbing a bucket that I poured on her, rinsing the soap off her body.

« Why do you want to help me so bad ? » she mocked me as I was taking all the soap away.

« As soon as we get out of there, we'll be back to secrecy. I'll be back to pretend indifference. Let me care while I can. » I answered calmly and her smile disappeared.

« Sorry... » she said softly.

« Why are you apologizing ? »

« I didn't realize... » she muttered.

« Never apologize for speaking to me. Whatever you say. » I said gently and I put the bucket away. « You're clean. »

« Thanks. » she smiled.

I took a look at our clothes, soaked on the floor and still bloody. Guilt invade my heart. Tairô's corpse wasn't even cold and I was acting like this instead of grieving his death. Where was the respect in that ?

« Get in the bath. » I said to Chizuru « I'll join you shortly. »

She obeyed and I took all the clothes in my arms before exiting the bathroom. The freezing cold of this november night burned my naked skin as I walked to my room. I didn't care if anyone could see me, we were all men here. I entered and grabbed a kimono and nagajuban to dress and brought the bloody clothes to the well. I filled the bucket with cold water and put the clothes in it so that the blood could get off more easily. I would pick them up in the morning. I went to Chizuru's room next to get her a hakama, kimono and nagajuban and went back to the bathroom.

When I entered, Chizuru plunge her head in the bath, making all her body disappear so I could only see the top of her head and her eyes. When she saw it was me, she got her head out and smiled.

I put her clean clothes on a dry bench before getting back outside to fetch some wood. I put it in the fire to heat the bath, not too much so we wouldn't boil. I unclothed myself and got in near her. More at ease than before, probably relaxed by the hot water, she immediately snuggled up with me. I passed my arm around her, letting the water heat my body which had been frozen by the air outside.

« Are you feeling alright ? » I asked her, concerned.

« Yes, the bath's hot, it's so nice... » she answered, snuggling even more.

I was reassured. I feared that maybe her first time had been a bit too painful but she seemed to have forgotten the pain already.

« Do you resent me ? » I asked.

« Why would I ? » she asked in return, puzzled.

« For dishonoring you without marrying you first. » I explained.

Now that I wasn't in the heat of the moment anymore, the guilt was making its way through my heart. I should have known better.

« Yeah, I'll have to find a husband who doesn't care if his wife is defiled... » she answered with a smirk. « Do you care ? »

« I don't. » I answered, smiling as well « and you're not marrying anyone but me. »

_To me you are perfect. How could you be spoiled just by being with me ? You're the most precious thing I have._

We stayed in the bath several minutes and Chizuru started brushing her hand on my chest. She was looking at it, lost in thoughts, and it made me smirk when I remembered how she was doing her best not to look at my bare body moments ago.

« What is it ? » I asked her.

« So many scars... » she whispered and I took a look too.

Of course, it wasn't as impressive as Harada's giant scar but yes, my chest was covered with it. Most of them were small and not so deep so you couldn't really see them from afar but as she passed her hands on them, she could sense the relief and trace their contour.

« I never realized... » she continued, still lost in thoughts « even that time when I came into your room and you were naked... »

I remembered that day, two years ago, when she entered my room thinking I was in pain while I was just having a dream. That day too, she avoided the sight of my bare chest the best she could so it wasn't really surprising.

« Do you remember where you got all of them ? » she asked, curious.

« Unfortunately, I don't. And I don't think I have any great story about them in case you wondered. » I answered in a calm voice.

« You got them in battle ? »

« Would you believe me if I say that most of them come from Souji ? » I smirked.

The way she chuckled indicated me that she was indeed believing it.

« You should see his chest. » I added « it's far worse than mine. »

She kept chuckling and I looked at her. She was mine. All of her. I wanted to make love to her again but that wouldn't be respectful to all the other men of the compound who were using the same bath to relax. She seemed to enjoy the hot water a lot, she never asked if we could get out. After I marry her, maybe I would take her to hot springs. She would probably enjoy that a lot. When the war would be over and the shogunate stable again, marrying Chizuru would be the first thing I do.

« Let's get out. » I said eventually, sensing that the water was getting a bit colder.

She followed me and we both took a cloth to wipe the water off our bodies before dressing up. She blowed the light and I exited the room, looking left and right to see if anyone was out.

« It's clear. » I told her and she got out as well.

Now we were out, I didn't hold her and didn't kiss her. I bowed to her with respect and wished her goodnight before heading back to my room. The magic was broken.

« Good night, Yukimura. »

« Good night, Saito. »


	57. Meetings

December 1866

Tairô had some decent funeral. He laid under a hill with all the other fallen comrades of the past years in a wooden casket. As his captain, I helped my unit dig the tomb. It's the least I could do for a man of his quality. I was rather surprised to see Hijikata-san, Kondou-san and Nagakura attending the funeral. Chizuru came too to say goodbye one last time to the boy who helped her train. Since this event, she hadn't touch a sword, even a bokken, probably feeling that she would betray his memory if she trained with someone else.

We went on with our daily lives. Chizuru and I were still polite with each other in our everyday interactions but we were now sleeping together most of the nights, if my shift allowed it. I took the habit to join her in her room since it was a lot easier than the opposite. My room was in the quarters of the capitains while hers was further, where there were less people coming and so, it was safer for our secret. I bought a second futon that I left in her room because hers was a bit narrow for both our bodies and I couldn't really leave my room without a futon in it. I still needed it for the few nights when I was working until very late or had to go very early in the morning. This way, I wouldn't disturb her sleep.

I was amazed how we could keep our relationship secret for so long without anyone asking any questions. Except Souji, I don't think anyone had a clue about us. Be that as it may, we were all very busy with the rising of the Satcho alliance between the Satsuma and Choshu. The ronins in Kyoto were becoming more numerous but also more raucous. Fights like the one where Tairô died were getting more frequent. Imperialists weren't hiding themselves anymore and would shout Sonnô jôi in the streets without any shame. Chizuru wasn't allowed to join every round now. Things were getting pretty dangerous and she was back to the old rules like not exiting the compound without a captain for example. It was a bit hard for her because she gained a lot of autonomy this past year but she understood that it was for her safety.

As I was coming back from my round, I saw Souji playing outside with kids again. I was used to this kind of scenery. Souji had been, was and would always be a kid and he was feeling at ease with them. He saw me too and greeted me with a wave of the hand.

« Oy ! Hajime-kun ! Come and play with us ! »

« I have a report to make. » I answered him calmly, removing my haori.

« Come on ! Why so serious all the time ?! »

The kids were behind him and singing.

« Hajime ! Hajime ! Hajime ! »

« Shouldn't you be inside ? » I asked Souji. « It's still winter. »

« So what ? You're outside ! »

« I'm not ill. » I simply said and Souji lost his playful smile.

« Mind your own business. » he said, gritting his teeths and I turned around, knowing that he wouldn't listen to me anyway. I said what I had to say, it was his choice now to listen or not, but staying outside like this wouldn't help him to fight his illness.

I went in the common room to find Hijikata-san but he wasn't there, probably in his office. I annonced myself and entered to find him and Kondou-san with grim faces. I waited for them to explain what was happening and I hoped that it had nothing to do with Sannan or Souji.

« Ito is starting to recuit. » said Hijikata-san, arm crossed in disapproval.

« I don't think he is » replied Kondou-san « but he is indeed an imperialist. He talks a lot to the men about his political beliefs. »

« He doesn't just talk. He's organizing meetings about the imperialism philosophy. I'm telling you, that cunt is recruiting amongst our own men. And I can't allow that. » he frowned.

« If you'll allow me, Fukuchô, the Code of Conduct prevents Ito or any of our men from quitting the Shinsengumi. » I objected.

« I know that. » replied Hijikata-san, visibly annoyed. « But I still don't like it. Imperialism philosophy has nothing to do in our headquarters, but if we forbid these meetings, Ito will see it as a personal attack and I don't want him to go against us... I know that Takeda had attended one or various meetings but he's very evasive about it. »

« Toshi... I think you worry for nothing... » said Kondou-san but I had to disagree.

« I think you are right, Fukuchô. » I opposed « If Ito is recruiting in our ranks, we should investigate about it and act before it gets out of hand. »

If Takeda was indeed attending these meetings, it could be very bad for the Shinsengumi. Takeda was a master strategist, Ito a military advisor... and Miki, though I hated to admit it, was a very talented swordsman. If we had those three conspiring against us, we could be destroyed from the inside without even noticing a thing before it was too late.

« Saito. I want you to gain Ito's trust and assist to those meetings. If something is fishy, you'll report immediately to me and we'll take action. »

« Understood. » I nodded.

« Saito-kun... » added Kondou-san, very uncomfortable « please be careful. Ito mustn't suspect that we have any doubts about him. »

« Alright, Kyokuchô. »

I exited the office and gathered my unit. The men wondered why since we were just coming back from a round but I just asked them « Has any of you already been to one of Ito's meetings ? »

I saw them look at each other, uncomfortable and I gazed at each one of them, trying to find my information. They knew that lying wasn't an option with me and so, one if my men stepped forward.

« I have. »

« You, Keisuke ? » I said with my toneless voice but inside, I was furious. A member of my division went to hear some imperialism nonsense under my watch. They should know better ! « Often ? »

« I... I went twice... » he stuttered « I will not go again, pardon me, Kumichô ! »

« No. Just tell Ito that for the next meeting, I want to come. »

I saw eyes widen before me, they couldn't believe their ears. I was respected because I was loyal, unfaltering and true to my beliefs, and now, I wanted to hear the imperialist's ideas. To them, it didn't made any sense. To me neither but they didn't need to know that.


	58. Snow

January 1867

My eyes were fixed on the ceiling. I knew it was morning although it was still dark due to the winter sun, and my thoughts had woken me up before the rest of the compound. I couldn't hear a noise appart from the delicate breathing of my beloved Chizuru next to me. I wanted to take a look at her sleeping face but her head was turned the other way. What a pity. She was so adorable while asleep. Although I was pretty sure she would be mad at me for mentioning it to her. She'd make that flustered red face I loved so much and stutter with embarrassment. Maybe I should tell her, actually.

I passed a hand on her nagajuban and deposit a small kiss at the back of her neck before getting up. Staying here unable to sleep would risk her to wake up without getting enough rest. She'd sleep better without someone near her tormenting himself.

I put my kimono and scarf on before getting my sandals, at the corner of the room like always. I never did the same mistake as the first time when I left them outside. Carefully, I oppened the shoji to get outside and my eyes hurt from all the white I wasn't expecting to see this early.

It snowed. I glanced at Chizuru, peacefully asleep, and wondered if I should wake her up for her to witness the white courtyard, immaculate. She snored a little and I chuckled. The snow could wait. I closed the wood panel and took a stupid step forward to leave a print of my sandal.

_Is love supposed to make me stupid ? Because I really think it's making me stupid. _

I took a step back and sighed, looking at the roof. Best way not to leave prints in the snow but that could be slippery.

_Seriously, the things we do for love... _I thought as I started my ascent. I was sure-footed, relying on all my previous climbs as a spy and in no time, I was on the roof of the Nishi-Honganji. From there, I had a view on the snowy roofs of the center of Kyoto. I sat in the snow and witnessed the first lights of the rising sun. With all this white, the rays reflected everywhere, decomposing themselves in a multitude of colors. The sky, pink, purple and orange, was contrasting with the black and white that was there minutes ago. I felt the warmth of the sun on my skin, contrasting with the coldness of snowflakes landing on my face. When the sunlight started burning my eyes, I decided to move.

I started walking quietly to try to find my room and make some prints from there. I wasn't sure that anyone would pay attention to the prints in the snow but I wasn't willing to take the risk anyway. I got down at the entrance of my room and went in the courtyard.

Now that I wasn't stressed by my prints, I could appreciate the scenery before me. The snow was covering everything with a thin overlay. It wasn't the big snow where you could sink your feet in. It was the delicate one that you could just brush away from the leaves of a tree with a finger, delicate, fragile, nearly dead already. There was still a bit falling from the sky and I lifted my eyes to let some snowflakes land on my face again. The heat on my body turned them to water instantly and they rolled away like tears.

_How ephemeral a snowflake can be..._

It was a simple existence. Just like the cherry blossoms. Just like my sword. The kind of life I was aspiring to not so long ago. Maybe I was still aspiring to it, I didn't know, but now, with Chizuru, I could have a glimpse of another possible way of living, with her. I always wanted to be a sword. A sword cut down good or bad guys. It could be used to attack and kill or to protect and defend. It had no will, no emotions. What it was used for depended solely on the wielder. I wanted to be that to Hijikata-san, Kondou-san and the Shinsengumi, the ones who took me in when I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to become their best tool and make them ascend to greatness. Now, my love for Chizuru had spread doubt in my heart and mind. The Shinsengumi was still my number one priority but I was now thinking about marrying her, settling down, why not building a family. Sometimes, I could catch myself wondering if our children would look like her, if they would have her strength, her kindness... These thoughts were haunting me and I knew that I couldn't be a tool, a sword, and have a family at the same time. I would have to choose and I was afraid of the choice I could make.

I heard some footsteps behind me and I turned around.

« Chizuru... You're already up. » I said.

Her eyes were sparkling with excitement, looking at the white courtyard, and she smiled to me.

« My futon was freezing without my personal heater. » she answered playfully. « And I'm happy I got up to see this ! It's so beautiful ! »

I nodded, it was indeed beautiful. We didn't have much chance to see snow the past years and we didn't have anything more than a few snowflakes. It was possibly the first time for Chizuru to see the headquarters so white. She brushed her hand on a leaf and made the snow melt between her fingers.

« Do you want to play ? » she asked me.

« Play ? » I repeated, confused. Her question caught me off guard.

« Yeah like make a snowman or a snowball fight ! » she answered with excitement before calming down and blushing « sorry, maybe you think it's childish... »

« It's not childish » I replied « but I don't think there's enough snow for that purpose. »

She looked around her with disappointment before smiling again, hit by an idea.

« Let's make a snow bunny ! » she said

« A what ? » again, I was caught off guard by all this excitement. And what the hell could a snow bunny be ? I couldn't ask her though, she would think I was stupid.

« A snow bunny, you know, I used to make some for my father when I was a kid. » she smiled « You should have done some for your family too ! »

« I didn't. Or maybe I can't recall... » I replied with embarrassment.

« Wait here ! » she ordered « I'll make one for you ! »

« Don't bother yourself on my account... » I muttered but she was already gone, running all around the courtyard, searching for something. She had exactly the same excited look on her face as when she was grocery shopping and comparing every price of every product.

She came back shortly after and handed me her snow bunny. It was a single ball of snow with two red berries for the eyes and two green leaves for the ears. I took her hands in mine.

« I see... This is a snow bunny... » I stated.

She chuckled gently and I felt that my mouth was agap. I closed it and smiled to her.

« Your hands are cold. You should warm them before getting frostbite. »

She blushed and dropped the bunny in my hands.

« See, it's starting already. » I said with a smirk.

« You're not funny. » she answered with a pout, her face even more red.

I had to be careful, I was turning into Souji. But the sight of her blushing was something I could never grow accustomed to. I wanted to see her react like this to me for the rest of my life.

« I accept your snow bunny. » I said gently and her smile came back. « Although I'm afraid it won't last long. » I added, sensing already it melt in my hands.

_So ephemeral... _

« Are you coming for breakfast ? I'll go help with the preparation. »

« I'll be there in a minute to help too. » I answered, still looking at the little ball of snow in my hands that was slowly melting.

She walked away and I brought the snow bunny near my room where I left it, as if he was guarding the entrance. I looked at it for a while... A single bunny with no other purpose than to guard, melt and die. Sighing, I walked away, joining Chizuru and Inoue for the preparation of the breakfast.


	59. Wishes

The snowflakes continued to fall all day, not enough to make the snow stay but it was really joyful for everyone at the compound to see them. Seeing them dance in the wind made me think about Yuki. It was January, maybe I should go and send her my wishes for this new year. I was missing her, not in a romantic or sexual way, I've never been in love with Yuki, but because outside the Shinsengumi, she was the closest thing to a friend that I had. I decided to talk to Chizuru about it before because I wouldn't like her to learn by anyone else but me that I went to see an oiran.

« Yukimura. » I called when I saw her outside « May I talk to you for a minute ? »

« Sure. » she answered before she joined me « what do you want to talk to me about ? »

« It's not easy... » I sighed, feeling my ears becoming red « I want to ask you if you would be... If I could... Alright just wait a second... » I paused and sighed again. « I've got a friend. She's an oiran, you've seen her before at the Hanamado. I want to express my wishes to her but I fear you would misinterpret it due to her profession. I want to know if you would be comfortable with the idea of me visiting her... Anyway, that was stupid, just forget it... »

She laughed and I felt even more flustered. I was probably blushing red. Actually, when it was me in her shoes, it wasn't as cute.

« You must really feel embarrassed ! I've never heard so many sentences getting out of your mouth in a single breath ! It's... Kimigiku, right ? » she asked.

« Actually, no. » I muttered « It's the other one. »

« Oh yeah ! The one who wished me good luck. » she stopped to think. « Wait... you're the wolf ? » she asked, confused.

« It's our old nickname, Mibu Wolves. » I explained, thinking that speaking to Chizuru wasn't so much of a smart move in the end. I could sense trouble already. « She's a dear friend of mine. »

« Alright. » she smiled « I don't see why you couldn't go. »

Her voice was assured but I sensed a hint of sadness.

« Do you wish to accompany me ? » I asked.

« I don't need to, I trust you. Besides, if you had something to hide, you wouldn't have talked to me in the first place. »

« I will go in the late afternoon. I promise I will be back before dinner and I'll come to you afterwards. » I said to reassure her and I bowed.

I would have kissed her if we weren't in the courtyard but that would have to wait. She bowed in return and we resumed with our occupations. I went to one of Ito's meetings. It was my second one only. Ito had been suspicious when Keisuke transmitted him my request and he was right to be but in the end, he let me attend to the seminaries. I was surprised of the numerous warriors attending those meetings but most of the men were Ito's. For the moment, he never talked about quitting or betraying the Shinsengumi. He only talked about philosophy and Confusianism. I had a feeling I was wasting my time listening to that nonsense. After the meeting, I headed to Shimabara.

I entered the pleasure house and asked for Yuki that I met in a private salon but instead of her foxy smile, she greeted me with her oiran mask.

« Good afternoon, Saito-han. Or do I have to pretend that I don't know you ? »

Alright, she was mad at me. It was understandable since the last time I came, I was so afraid that Chizuru would learn about her that I tried my best to avoid her. Sometimes I wondered how men could have a wife, three mistresses, concubines, and still go to oirans, geiko or prostitutes... That sounded pretty exhausting.

« I came to wish you hapiness on this new year. » I said politely.

« That's nice. Does your woman know you're here or are you lying to her already ? » she chuckled.

« Actually, she does. » I confirmed.

« And she's okay with it ? » she asked with surprise.

« She is. »

« Still so much conversation... » she smirked and I saw in her eyes that she wasn't really mad at me in the end. That girl and her thoughts were an enigma for me. « So what did you wish for the new year ? »

« I'm not really a man to make wishes. » I answered.

« There must be something you want. »

I took a moment to think. What did I want ? Peace. The end of the war. Recognition for Kondou-san. Marry Chizuru. A cure for Souji.

« What did you wish for ? » I asked her instead of replying.

« Tell me what you see from the window. »

I wondered if one day, we could answer one another's questions.

« Snow. » I answered as the snowflakes continued their dance in the wind.

« Snow. Yuki. Outside. I think that's my wish. » she said with her melancholic voice, playing with the wooden fox in her hair « Hey ! Are you going to see the French ?! »

« What are you talking about ? » I asked, puzzled.

« The French ! » she repeated with a childish smile « you know, people talk here. I heard some frenchmen just arrived to Yokohama. They will form some shogunate soldiers to western tactics in Osaka. Will you go ? »

« Yuki, this information is supposed to be classified... » I sighed. « Be careful who you talk to... »

I didn't know which shogunate high ranked felt like it would be a bright idea to reveal this to an oiran but she would have to watch her mouth if she didn't want to get any trouble.

« Alright, alright... Have you already seen some ? » she asked again.

« Some what ? » I asked in return, lost again.

« Some westerns ! I heard they're so ugly ! They have looooong nose like Tengu and are hairy and they stink ! Is it true ? » she asked, miming the long noses.

« Well their noses are different of ours... » I muttered, thinking.

« So you've seen some ?! »

« Yes. » I confirmed.

« I want to see some so bad... » she said with a pout « they never come here... »

Sometimes I was forgetting that Yuki had been raised in this house since she was a child. There must be so many things she had never seen, never experienced... How could someone force others to be locked in cage ? Were there really girls meant to be oirans or were they all like Yuki, wearing a mask of docility and dreaming of freedom ? I looked at the window again to see the sky becoming darker.

« I shall get going. » I said, getting up.

« So soon ? Will you come again ? » she asked with disappointment.

« I don't know. Things are getting tensed outside. I might have my hands full. » I explained and she nodded.

I went back to the compound before the sun got down according to my promise. I ate the dinner with Chizuru and the others then got back to my room to wait a reasonable amount of time before joining Chizuru for the night. I meditated for the first time in an eternity and it really helped me ease my mind. I then got out to make myself a cup of tea and I drank it outside my room, looking at the snowflakes still falling from the sky. My eyes went to the snow bunny Chizuru made. It hadn't melt yet but the red berries she used for the eyes had become brown. I fixed my gaze on it. It seemed so lonely with its little hazel eyes. My tea finished, I picked some snow, two leafs and two blueberry to make another blue eyes snow bunny that I put next to it. Now it wasn't lonely anymore.

I looked at the courtyard still white but I was happy to see that there were a lot of footprints this time. I wouldn't have to climb up the roof again. I walked to Chizuru's room and entered after announcing myself. She wasn't in bed yet but she already was undressed, wearing only her nagajuban. I took off my sandals and came to hold her.

« You had a good time ? » she asked.

« It was just a courtesy visit. » I answered, nesting my head in her neck.

« You're cold. » she complained.

« I know. That's what people usually say about my person » I said, taking my head off her neck and blowing the light.

« Your attempts at humor get worse everyday... » she chuckled, laying on the futon.

« You laughed. In my book, that's a success. » I answered, laying next to her.

I passed my arms around her and deposited a small kiss in her neck as I spooned her body. I fell asleep nearly instantly, hoping to sleep better than the previous night.


	60. Snowball

« Chizuru ! Chizuru, wake up ! »

I opened my eyes abruptly, my body around Chizuru's, and grabbed my katana as a reflex as I tried to understand what was happening.

« Chizuru, are you there ?! »

_Shit. That's Toudou's voice. _

Chizuru had opened her eyes too and she turned to me, panicked. With a nod, I encouraged her to answer.

« Y... yes ? » she said, unassured.

« Come on, Chizuru-chan, get out ! » yelled Toudou from behind the shoji, impatient.

She questioned me with her eyes and I nodded again.

« I'm coming, Heisuke ! » she said.

I put a finger on my mouth and got up. I picked up my sandals, wakizashi and clothes and put them behind the closed shoji. I then folded my futon and put it with the rest. During this time, Chizuru put her kimono and hakama on. When she was ready to slide the wood panel to get out, I stood back straight against the one that wouldn't move. Normally, Toudou shouldn't have any reason to get in and therefore, he shouldn't see me nor my belongings. And if he chose to get in... Well I still had my katana in hand so maybe I could knock him inconscient before he realized i'm there... Ready, I indicated Chizuru she could open the door.

« Come on, Chizuru-chan ! You have to see this ! » yelled Toudou and she oppened the shoji.

I saw from the corner of my eye her pupils widen with surprise and then get filled by excitement. Toudou's hand passed the shoji and I stiffened but he only grabbed Chizuru's hand to get her outside.

« See, it's so much more than yesterday ! » he yelled as Chizuru closed the shoji.

I sighed, releasing the breath I've been holding during all that moment and I kept alert to anything.

« Oh wow ! » I heard Chizuru said and I took a glimpse through the not so well closed shoji.

The snow was now a thick white mat on the courtyard, enough to dig your feet in it. It was beautiful and I saw that Chizuru's mouth was agap in awe.

« It's so pretty... » she said.

« Right ! It's so cool ! I didn't think the snow could stay ! That's why I had to wake you up ! »

That was indeed amazing and Chizuru looked pretty excited but I was starting to wonder if they would move from Chizuru's doorsteps at some point so I could get out unseen. Silently, I closed the shoji better so they couldn't see my eyes and I went to sit on the futon, listening to the conversation and waiting for an opportunity to get out.

« How could so much snow fall in one night ? » she asked in awe but it was a rhetorical question.

« Good morning Chizuru ! » I heard another voice. « Sure it's a lot of it, right ? My hands are freezing though... »

_That sounds like Harada..._

« Well, you know : cold hands, warm heart. Although it's not like the ladies even know what Heisuke's hands are like ! »

_And that's Nagakura. We have the trio at our doorstep and I'm stuck inside. Shit. _

« That's because I'm a gentleman ! » yelled Toudou « besides you're both half naked ! Put something on ! »

« And forbid the world of seeing the beautiful piece of art that my body is ? I'd rather get ill. » replied Nagakura.

« Besides, Shinpachi is a force of nature. He never gets ill. » added Harada.

« I was also talking about you, Sano. Chizuru ! Say something to those two idiots ! »

_Will you move, please ? So I could get out of this room ? _

I heard Chizuru chuckle to the exchange.

« Anyway, there's so much snow ! » she tried as a diversion.

« Right ! Let's play with it ! » yelled Toudou .

_Yes, go play somewhere else !_

« There's not enough to make a fort but we can make snow bunnies... » she said.

« No way, I'm making snow bunnies, Chizuru. We're men. » objected Nagakura « We can't play kids game. »

_What does your gender has to do with this ? I made one just yesterday. _

« I'd kill, and I'd probably die laughing, to see Shinpachi make a snow bunny » I heard Harada say. « But to be fair, I saw two of them near Saito's room. Who could guess he could be so childish ? I guess even he had been a kid once. » He laughed.

I tightened my grip on my katana. They were mocking me in front of Chizuru. If it wasn't for her, I would gladly settle this with a duel.

« Two... » repeated Chizuru before adding « then, what should we do ? »

« It's obvious, Chizuru-chan ! » yelled Toudou.

« Wait... what are you doing ? A snowball fight ? » she yelled.

« Exactly ! We already discussed the terms and the team, you're with me Chizuru ! »

« We're gonna crush you ! » yelled Nagakura

« Sorry Chizuru, he's a pretty weak excuse for a partner but that's luck of the draw. » added Harada.

« Wait until I kick both your asses ! And you wont even be able to get a single hit on her ! Just leave it to me Chizuru ! I'll protect you ! »

I then heard only the sound of their snowball landing, their laughs and sometimes a few complains.

« Are you hurt, Heisuke ?! » I heard Chizuru scream.

« Only my pride, I guess... » he answered.

Waiting for it to be over, I sat in seiza on the futon and tried to meditate, my katana lying before me. I closed my eyes and emptied my mind when I suddenly sensed something. Rapidly, I opened my eyes, grabbed my katana and sliced in two the projectile aiming straight at my face. It was a snowball. I rolled to the side quickly and saw a big round hole in the shoji.

_These idiots are ruining Chizuru's bedroom..._

The hole was followed by another one, and another one, and another one, as it became very hard for me to be unseen. I threw myself on the ground near the wood panel so that they couldn't see me through the holes. I was starting to be pretty annoyed and angry. That wasn't the kind of wake up that I had wished for.

Outside, they were yelling even more, something about putting rocks in it and aiming only at Toudou. To be fair, I wasn't paying much attention, only waiting for them to go away.

« You aim so bad ! That's totally off the mark ! » yelled Toudou.

« Oh no ! Heisuke, move ! » screamed Chizuru and I heard a big noise, like something very heavy falling on the ground.

« Alright. I think we won this time ! » I heard Harada say. « What do you think we all go for breakfast ? »

_Yes, please do._

« What is all this ?! »

_Shit... Hijikata-san..._

« Do you realize how many sliding doors you bastard had damaged ?! » he yelled.

The boys took the blame and it was decided that they would have to repair every shoji they damaged including Chizuru's. I was pleased though that they decided to get breakfast before repairing it otherwise I didn't know what I would have done. When it was silent outside, I exited the room with caution and came to ask Souji to get out of bed before we joined them for the breakfast.


	61. Duck

February 1867

I was getting back from the market where I bought everything for the dinner tonight. I was planning on a fish stew with rice and a dessert. Normally, we never had dessert at the headquarters but I wanted to try to make one, for once. As I arrived, hands full with all my groceries, I saw Chizuru running toward me.

« Saito ! » she called with a smile « are you making the dinner tonight ? »

« Ha. »

« Heisuke took me to the river this afternoon and he caught some ducks ! » she explained, excited. « Can we eat them tonight ? »

I looked at Toudou from afar who waved at me with his hands filled with dead ducks and a smile that was so wide it was going from ear to ear. I counted the ducks... eleven... not enough to roast them but enough for a stew if I put them in instead of the fishes but I would have to change a bit my ingredients.

« I can make a stew. » I said.

« Great ! That sounds delicious ! » she said, still so excited. « Do you need help ? »

_No. And I want you to avoid the kitchen all day. Don't even think about coming in._

I would need to find her occupations to make sure she wouldn't try to help me.

« Maybe you and Toudou could pluck these ducks and put them here afterwards. » I said, showing her a basket near the kitchen. That should take them at least one hour... « but before, since the menu changed, may I ask you to go back to the market and fetch some ingredients and spices ? »

I saw her eyes lit and she nodded. Good. Chizuru loved the market, she would probably stay there a long time, comparing prices to be sure to have the best deal. I made her a quick list of ingredients and she went away with Toudou. I entered the kitchen to put my bags in and wondered what I should do first. Since I needed the ducks and spices for the stew anyway, my best option was to start with the dessert.

I took out the flour, the eggs and the mizu ame out of my bags and got my recipe out of my sleeve to mix the ingredients properly. I decided to make some only for the captains due to the expensiveness of the ingredients. I took a big bowl to mix everything, following the orders on the paper before my blood froze.

_Honey. I need honey. I forgot it. Shit. Maybe if I put more mizu ame instead... but that wouldn't be according to the recipe. I can't just invent something. If there's honey on the recipe, then I need honey..._

I began opening every cupboard, hoping to find some honey and I got lucky. I sighed with relief. I would have prefered not serving dessert at all instead of serving one that wasn't according to the recipe and I needed that dessert. I put the honey in my preparation and stirred it until it was homogeneous. I put some wood underneath the oven and waited for it to be hot enough before pourring my preparation in a big rectangular shape mold and engulfing it in the oven.

I heard some noise outside and supposed Chizuru and Toudou were back. I opened the door to take their groceries. They nearly stepped in, wondering what was smelling that good.

« The ducks, please. » I asked to get them out of my way.

They went away and I looked at them on a bench, plucking the ducks. They were going faster than expected. Chizuru was carefully putting the feathers in a basket to keep them. She would probably make pillows from them. Toudou wasn't as careful and Chizuru scolded him so he started putting the feathers in a basket as well. Nagakura and Harada joined them and I saw that the task was rapidly turning into a contest of the fastest plucker. I sighed. They would stay kids forever. I started the preparation of my stew with the vegetables and the spices. The meat would be added last.

After about half an hour, I got out my dessert from the oven and put it somewhere where it could cool down peacefully. It looked good and was smelling good as well and I was pleased with it since it was the first time I was trying this recipe.

They brought me the ducks and I emptied and prepared them before adding them to the stew. I took off a bit of wood from under the pot so that it wouldn't burn and got out from the kitchen. The only thing to do now was to wait and I repeated my movements in the courtyard, keeping an eye on the kitchen door.

At dinner time, the captains and Chizuru ate the duck stew all together, except Souji who was unwell and decided to stay in his room. Chizuru brought him a plate but he said he wasn't hungry. I decided that I would try to bring him some later with extra spices. His illness was modifying his sense of taste and he said to me once that now, everything was tasting the same to him. Nagakura and Toudou fought for the last piece of duck, as expected, before Hijikata-san barked at them, ordering them to calm down. When everyone was finished, Chizuru started gathering the plates but I put my hand on her shoulder, asking her silently not to move. I took the plates out of her hands and took them to the kitchen. I came back shortly after with the dessert and I saw Chizuru's eyes widen with surprise and delight just as I hoped. I put the plate down and everyone smiled with envy.

« Castellas ! » said Harada « did you make these, Saito ? »

« Ha. » I nodded.

They all took one and bit in it.

« It's so soft and delicious ! » yelled Toudou, nearly putting the entire castella in his mouth.

« What's the occasion, Saito-kun ? » asked Inoue, politely.

« My birthday. » I answered « three days ago. »

« Hey ! » added Toudou, spitting crumbs as he was speaking « Chizuru's birthday is also near ! When is it... » he tried to remember, scratching his head.

« Actually... » she answered, blushing red « it's... It's today... »

She plunged her gaze in mine and we both smiled.

« I see. What a coincidence... » I muttered in my toneless voice, eating my castella.

« Happy birthday Chizuru-chan ! » said all the captains one after another and Nagakura went to his room to grab a bottle of sake to celebrate.

« How old are you now, Chizuru-chan ? » he asked, opening the bottle and serving a cup to everyone.

« Ei... Eighteen... » she answered.

« Old enough to have a cup ! » he announced, handing her one.

« Oh no, I can't ! » she refused, shaking her head.

« Come on ! Just one ! » insisted Nagakura and the other captains joined him. Her gaze went on me, probably wondering what was my position on the subject and if I could rescue her.

« Yukimura. » I finally said « the taste of the sake will reveal more flavors in the castella. You should try. »

« Al...alright... » she stuttered and she brought the alcohol to her lips, sipping.

Her face twitch from this new flavor. It was a bit sweet and bitter at the same time. She bit in the castella and her smile grew bigger.

« It's true ! » she said to me « it's even more delicious now. »

I nodded, pleased, while the others laughed.

« Drink some more, Chizuru-chan ! » encouraged Toudou but she didn't want to. He took her cup and filled it while Nagakura started encouraging her as well.

« Ora, ora » said Harada « respect what the lady wants ! »

« I think you shouldn't force her to drink some more if she's not willing to. Unless your intentions aren't honorable. » I agreed with a icy gaze and Toudou took back the cup.

« I never meant to... » he started, blushing red with shame and anger.

« I know. » I said but my gaze was still locked on him, leaving an aura of doubt in the room.

After that, all the captains let Chizuru be and she was pleased with it. I saw a _thank you _in her gaze when it landed on me and I stood up.

« I'm going to bring some to Souji and Sannan. » I said before turning to Harada who nodded with a smile.

« Yeah, I know. It's my turn for the dishes... » he sighed « mind helping me Shinpachi ? »

The two of them gathered the plates and I went to the kitchen first to add some spice to the stew I made and bring it to Souji along with his castella.

« Souji. » I called.

« Leave me alone. » he answered and I heard him cough.

« I'm leaving a plate with extra spices in it outside your room. There's also a castella I made. » I said, putting the plate down.

The shoji opened a little and I saw a hand grab the cake before closing it again. I hoped he would eat some stew too but Souji always had a preference for sugar anyway.

« If you want more, I think there's leftovers in the kitchen. » I said but he didn't answer and I walked away.

I went to the Rasetsu quarters but found them empty, probably already on rounds. I put a castella in Sannan's room with a note and went away, to Chizuru's room.


	62. Gold

I entered the room and blowed the light instantly, as always, so that no one could witness two silhouettes inside. I stayed in the entrance, waiting for my eyes to grow accustomed to the dark when I sensed two little hands on my face.

« I can't see you... » I heard her complain.

« You will. »

« Those cakes... They were for my birthday ? » she asked.

« Ha. »

« Thank you. It meant a lot to me... I was happy to share them with everyone... » she chuckled « in the end, no one cared about your birthday ! »

She kept chuckling and I leaned over, trying to see her contour, and landed my mouth on hers, passing my tongue on her lips. My hands came grabbing her hips through her thick nagajuban.

« What are you doing ? » she asked, confused.

« You left crumbs. » I replied, licking the corner of her mouth.

« I'm pretty sure that's not true... » she said, protesting.

« Are you calling me a liar ? » I whispered, my tongue flickering, trailing down her chin and neck.

I hadn't behaved with her like this since her first time. We only slept platonically because I was feeling guilty of what I did and because I wanted her to initiate it, to be sure she liked it, she wanted it... but she never did and tonight, I didn't care about all the barriers I built myself anymore. It was her birthday and I wanted her to feel special. I wanted her to see how much she meant to me.

My tongue continued its course down and my hands opened her nagajuban, allowing me to lick the valley between her breasts. She started to pant softly in anticipation.

« I'm... sure there's no crumbs there... » she said and I smiled even if she couldn't see it.

I trailed to the side to one of her breasts and my tongue circled it, doing smaller circles at each round and eventually landing on her nipple, flickering against it. She moaned in response and I took it in, gently sucking it. My hand came cupping the other one and I couldn't resist but bite a little. She escaped a cry of surprise and I continued sucking to ease the small pain before detaching myself. I could hear her pant softly and the desire in me grew bigger.

« Look at the one who was speaking about dishonorable behavior minutes ago... » she said playfully.

« Do you wish me to stop ? » I asked in a whisper.

She didn't answer but instead, she grabbed my neck and pulled my face to hers. She kissed me with passion and I answered immediately. My hands were wandering on all her body, never stopping their course and my tongue invade her mouth. I could taste the sweetness of the castella, the sake, and even the spices of the duck in her mouth. It was a weird but delicious combination and I wanted to taste all of it, trying to guess all the aromas in her breath.

My hands left her body to push her on the futon and I came atop her, still kissing her. She still had her nagajuban on but it was now fully oppened.

_If only I could see better in the dark... _

I put a knee between her legs, parting them, and I resumed kissing her neck, trailing to the other breast which I gave the same treatment I gave its twin. Chizuru's hands came combing in my hair while she was panting and moaning and I could sense her naked body shivering and twitching with pleasure under my touch.

I got back to her mouth again. I wanted to take it slow, to make it last and let her build up with pleasure, anticipation and frustration. I wanted her to come for me and I had all the time in the world. Last time, I was more focused on reassuring her and diminishing the pain but this time was different. This time wasn't about the least pain I could give her but the most pleasure. I brought my mouth to her ear and she shivered from my breath even before I touched it. I took it between my teeths and licked the lobe before biting gently her shell.

« Still looking for crumbs ? » she tried to joke between two moans.

« I think I found a better dessert. » I whispered in her ear and her body reacted, pushing itself against me. I knew I could merge with her right now if I wanted to but that wasn't my objective tonight.

I trailed some kisses and little nips and bites in her neck and her collarbone before getting lower, in the valley between her breasts and lower again, on her stomach and hips. I kissed her stomach before nipping her hips that were already lifting themselves against my face in anticipation. I could sense Chizuru's need of me, her frustration to not have me already, her impatience and her desire. All of it was driving me crazy and my own body was also making me acknowledge it's eagerness, but it would have to be patient.

« Saito... » she implored but I didn't answer.

My mouth continued its way down, kissing the top of her womanhood and she closed her legs in reflex. I let my mouth kiss her there and came brushing her thigh with one of my hand.

« Do you fear me ? » I asked gently.

« N.. No... » she answered, flustered, and it brought a smile on my face while I kept kissing gently.

« Then please, allow me. » I begged.

She twitched but didn't open her legs. Patient, I kept brushing her thigh and deposit small kisses and I was rewarded for my patience when she finally relaxed and parted her legs a little. I laid between her legs, parting them with my body and my mouth got down again, finding her bundle of nerves. She gasped at the first flick of my tongue and I heard a second moan, muffled, and supposed she put her hands on her mouth. I got up to take them off, trapping them in mines, before I plunged in her intimacy again.

« But Saito... The sound... » she cried with pleasure and shame.

« The Rasetsu are out. » I answered softly « You don't have any other direct neighbors. I want to hear you. »

My tongue resumed to flick against it and she tried to protest.

« But... B... Sai...To... » she moaned loudly and it was adorable.

_Will you one day call me Hajime ? _

From where I was, the scent of spices so characteristic of her body was the strongest it had ever been. And as I was tasting her for the first time, I was pleased to see that she tasted spices as well. I couldn't get enough of it. Her breath was becoming more shallow and it delighted me to see her loose control. In the dark, deprived from her sense of sight, her other senses, especially touch, were more sensitive. Releasing her from my grip, I brought my hand under my mouth and inserted two fingers in her welcoming entrance to rub on the rough spot at the same pace of my tongue flickerings.

She became even more loud, panting, moaning, groaning and her body was shivering, twitching, pushing itself against me. I could sense her building up, reaching some peaks of pleasure unknown to her. When I felt her stiffen and get tighter around my fingers, I took them off and stopped my tongue. Selfish maybe, but I didn't want her to come right now. I wanted to look at her while she did even if I could only see shadows and contour.

I sat and let her catch her breath while I undressed myself quickly so that she would not quit this half-extasy state. I came atop her and kissed her lips tenderly before entering her in a slow, single thrust. The cry that escaped her lips had no hint of pain in it and so, I began to move. Her moans transformed in cry of pleasure and I hoped they weren't too loud. Last thing we needed right now was a commander or a captain barging in the room.

I passed an arm under her leg to lift it on my shoulder, allowing me to go deeper and to touch her where it was the most sensitive. Stuck in her half-extasy, I could sense her pulse around me, tightening and relaxing and tightening again. That sensation alone was so pleasurable to me that I knew I would not last long. I went faster and I finally sensed her entiere body stiffen, from her ankle on my neck all the way to her jaw as her moans became louder and sharper. She became so tight around me that it triggered my own release as she let out a nearly silent cry of pleasure, so high-pitched that I could barely hear it. She opened her eyes in extasy and they seemed to light the room. I could see them as if it was daylight, two golden orbs that were generating their own light.

_What... Is this ?_

I didn't have so many women in my life but I had enough experience to know for sure that that wasn't natural. The golden eyes disappeared when her cry ended, leaving me confused and wondering if I hadn't dream it.

« Chizuru... Your eyes... » I whispered in disbelief but she didn't answer, still slowly descending from her peak of pleasure. I wasn't even sure she heard me.

I put her leg down and rolled to the side to release her from my heavy body and I looked at her silhouette. She was still panting heavily, gaze locked on the ceiling in awe and I knew it could take several seconds or minutes before she would be able to talk again. It is said that women experience ten times more pleasure than we do. When I see how much it is for me already, I have trouble imagining how much it could be for them.

I grabbed her hand and started kissing her shoulder and she turned to me.

« Is it always supposed to be this good ? » she asked, still panting and a proud smile drew on my face.

« I try. » I told her, still kissing her shoulder.

« Well, that was amazing... » she said with a numb voice, snuggling against me.

I took her in my arms and felt her fall asleep peacefully. I kissed her forehead and held her. Even after the embrace we shared, I wasn't sleepy. I was haunted by the golden eyes I saw and what they could mean. When I finally closed my eyes, these two little orbs were still dancing behind my eyelids.


	63. Part-2

**Hi everyone ! It's starting to have a lot of chapters here so I decided to start another file for « What i do not say, I still feel - part 2 » since there is still sooooo much to tell !**

**Please tell me your impressions on this part 1, now that it is finished ! **

**I'm marking this file as complete but of course, this is not the end and I hope you'll keep reviewing my part 2 !**

**I have a lot of ideas for it and already 3 chapters written (yeah i know, i never stop !) I'm putting it online right now with the first chapter and a « previously »**

**See you in part 2 ! **


End file.
